Should we say "I do" early for health insurance?
Advice
By
on March 13, 2008
56 Responses
My fiancé has no insurance (health, car, dental or vision) and I do. I want him to be insured and don't want to wait until our actual wedding in October for him to be able to be added to my insurance. Do you think it is a good idea to secretly go to the courthouse and get the legal stuff done ahead of time before we do the ceremony we already have planned? -Sarah
Girl, I feel you. As anyone who's read the book knows, health insurance was a big part of why Andreas and I decided to finally get married after 6+ years of unwedded bliss. It's a sad commentary on health care in the United States, but them's the facts. (Canadians, you have no idea what kinds of fun you're missing. *snork*)
With that personal bias in mind, I think it's perfectly acceptable to be pragmatic: go to the courthouse, do the deed, and quietly enjoy the insurance. No one but your health care providers need to know, and you and your fiancé can rest assured knowing that if he breaks his leg next month, you won't have to use your wedding budget to pay for the cast.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
scunshine said
That's part of the reason why my husband and I moved our date up entirely. That and all the student aid benefits a married couple gets. Not very romantic but too practical for anyone to criticize!
Krista said
My Fiance and I are doing the exact opposite thing for similar reasons. My oldest son from my prior marriage is disabled, and our backwards state only has the services he needs if we are poor enough to qualify for Medicaid. If we get legally married, his income becomes mine, but if we stay domestic partners, his income is not counted for my son's benefits. We want to get married and have a big damn party for our friends, so we are. We are just not signing any sort of legal paperwork. It is honestly not up to the state to designate our status anyway.
KelleMarie said
Thats kind of the same issue with my mom. My mom is disabled and has been with her boyfriend for 12+years. If they get married my mom would lose her benefits and insurance. And although she doesnt actually get much she relies on it (mainly insurance of course).
Samantha said
You know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially after doing my taxes this year. I'm tired of living like a "married" couple but not getting the benefits implied therein… When we rent a place, we have to pay two application fees. We have to do our taxes separately, our financial aid separately, our insurance separately. We pay twice as much for everything, despite the fact that for four years we've been, for all intents and purposes, married.
The more I've been thinking about it, the more that I've come to see the actual legal marriage and our wedding as two completely different things.
I think that the legal marriage part should be just called a "civil union" and offered up to everyone… And I think that we're going to do it (on the DL so as not to upset our families because they're old school) so that we can reap the legal benefits.
The wedding is, to me, the part that really counts. The ceremony and celebration that celebrates our life together. And I want that, too, but (because of budget and time constraints) that'll be a little while down the road.
In the meantime, there's no reason that the can't get hitched in the eyes of the law…
I just wish that ALL couples, of all genders, had the same option available to them.
This isn't very eloquent or well written 'cause I'm sick and distracted, but I think you get what I'm sayin'.
amii said
I don't know if you've looked into it or not, but some states (California, Oregon do, I know for sure) have "spousal equivilency" insurance, or domestic partnership insurance. if you are living together, or are on the verge of living together, this may work for you also. good luck in whatever decision you make.
Sarah said
Well I talked to my benefits person at work and found out it would cost us over $400 a month to have both of us insured, as opposed to the $40 I am paying a month just for me. So we can't afford the insurance even if we do get secretly married before the wedding. Time to move to Canada! And I couldn't agree more with Samantha about ALL couples having the same options open to them.
Kammie said
My fiance and I did exactly what this girl wants to do. My fiance was about to start a new job and he was getting great benefits, while I had no benefits at all at the job I was working at.
So we went to the town hall and got married. We are still planning our wedding and are very excited for our big day. Us already being married hasn't taken away at ALL from this special day we will have.
My parents know about it but his parents don't. Only because this is the first wedding out of their three children and we don't want to spoil their joy and excitement over the occasion.
Sarah said
My fiance and I were soooo close to doing this, until his parents agreed to pay for his health insurance up until we get hitched. If she thinks her family or his family won't like it, then there's really no reason they have to know about it.
By the way, it's super-easy to put your fiance on your car insurance. I just called up my insurance and told them we were living together and sharing each other's cars. It was actually much cheaper for us to have joint car insurance for two cars, rather than individual insurance, as he's had a few accidents in the last 3 years.
Moonspun said
I think that it is fine to do it. I also agree wholeheartedly with what Samantha aid. That a wedding is totally different than legal marriage. They don't have to be the same and the legal part of it is in someways practical. Having been with a woman for 13 years and now marrying a man, I do wish I had had similar rights back then. Everyone should have them, period.
shana said
Ahh, I'm so glad this topic came up. We just set a September date but we're talking about doing the legal stuff in April for insurance purposes. I'm just wondering if we need to tell the families/friends during the interim. Any thoughts??
danicalynn said
My first husband and I got married for graduate school housing benefits. A big wedding was in the works, so we thought we would just do it secretly and it wouldn't be a big deal. (We didn't want to hurt our parents feelings). First of all, people find out. So, then you're in the uncomfortable situation of having the second-cousin of the justice of peace know you're married, and not your own mom. In the end, my parents found out and were hurt and I felt like a jerk. I'm all for getting married for benefits, but I highly recommend not doing it secretly. You are just creating a situation that will have to be dealt with sooner or later.
Cate said
This has everything to do with being responsible and protecting yourself and your future spouse; about relieving societlly imposed anxiety and worry. It is a legal and ethical way of providing for each other; go ahead if it is comforting and reassuring to the two of you to legally marry sooner rather than later in order to have access to insurance. The secrecy issue from the family – that is a little stickier; if it was me I'd be transparent and tell the familes but you know them better than anyone. Best Wishes.
Cate
Crystal said
That's actually one reason my fiance and I decided to get married. Originally we were going to get engaged (which we did in '05) and than were going to wait until after he was done with school… which would have been like '09 or so if not later, depending on IF he passed his classes, but we decided he needed insurance because he none at all and I was afraid of the worst so we actually decided to get married, along with some other reasons as well… however after we booked our venue and everything my company and insurance company now offers opposite sex domestic partners on insurance now, so he's on my insurance now anyway- after all that! However I didn't they'd ever do that, but I'm glad they did! More companies should offer it! I mean they offer same sex partners but not opposite sex insurance. It's like they MAKE you get married! It's crazy! I totally think it's fine if you get married secretly for insurance and then do the actual shin-dig later on! Insurance is important!
lyndsi said
we are planning the celebration for july, but as my fiance is irish and cannot work or get health benefits (we're in canada) until we're married and submit the forms, we figure we'll do the city hall thing first just so we can get everything started. we're definitely seeing it as a civil union first with just a couple of witnesses, and then we're having the wedding celebration that we have dreamed about in july. it's nice to hear others have been in similar situations and it has worked out for them ^.^
zan said
I feel ya. I am so excited about being able to add Gerhard to my insurance after we are married. I am also glad that I will become an EU citizen/member. We all win in the end.
Ali said
So my fiance and I actually did this. When we moved and he got a new job we went down to the courthouse and signed all the paperwork and everything. We were married in the eyes of the law in less than 30 minutes.
A note on telling people, however…
We opted not to tell anyone but my mother, because she had suggested it long before anyhow. (Turns out it was a good decision, we got huge tax return filing jointly and would have owed money filing separately) And that seemed fine, with no one knowing, for a while. But a tiny slip of the tongue occurred… we got used to referring to each other as husband and wife and flubbed in front of his mother. That was the most awkward hour EVER.
So my advice is to get married if it makes financial sense, but think long and hard about how you handle telling people afterwards.
We're still planning a wedding, but are just going to skip a ceremony and do a reception instead.
Shina said
I'm with the woman staying apart for the kids. This idea makes a LOT of sense for singles, it's what my brother and his wife did, then they had their wedding a year later. Everybody knew they were already married, and it didn't matter a hill of beans. My SO and I are staying legally single until I get a job with insurance myself. I'd have to pay for a family plan anyway to include my son, so at that point it won't matter. Until then, my son and I qualify for medicaid and the insurance through my boyfriend's work would brutalize us with the cost of a family plan.
ange said
My fiancé and I have talked a lot about this. Even my mom suggested it when we announced the wedding will be next summer. Some of it has worked it self out. My car insurance let me add him as a part-time driver ($10 a month!). His new job offers partner benefits.
Money aside, the one thing no one has mentioned is the ability to legal speak for your partner. If something was to happen to me on the way home tonight and I am in a coma my finance could not speak for me. Yet he is the only family I have in this state. And I am his only family here. It scares me that he would not be able to make medical or finical decisions for me. He really does know me better than anyone else and would make the decisions I would want.
Katie said
My partner and I got married in January, but our wedding is this coming September. My health insurance ended and I have a few ongoing health issues, so it saves us a boatload of money to have me have insurance.
My parents came with us as witnesses and we let his parents know, but pretty much everyone else is in the dark.
It also gave me an excuse to buy a cute, short vintage wedding dress (as opposed to my more traditional one for the "fake" wedding) since we dressed up a bit.
Cate said
Ange,
Oh, you make an excellent point about who has the right to legally speak for you and represent your interests in case something happens. Marrying sooner rather than later establishes your sweetie in that position. Otherwise, depending on the particular state you may have to go through the legal hoopla of establishing a domestic partnership or just be out of luck. I worked in an AIDs hospice and it was very sad when in the final days long established partnerships weren't honored for lack of the right piece of paper.
Cate
Rykie said
The fiancee and I considered it pretty strongly. I was able to get a job that offers insurance, though, so it's a moot point.
Sean said
We're doing the same thing. I'm about to graduate and go off the parents' insurance. I can't go without insurance due to pre-existing things, and I can't afford COBRA, so we're just going to get married before I graduate so that there's no gaps in my coverage.
Another reason is that I have one semester left of school–I am not yet 24, so I'll be paying full price for the semester. If we get married, I will be eligible for Pell Grants due to not having to include parental income, and so school will essentially be free. Bonus!
Laura said
Well, we're not doing it for the health insurance but it's become an issue for my SO (fiance) and I in terms of the country that I live in. I live abroad and he is joining me for the next couple of years before we move back together. After 6 years of dating/cohabitation, marriage is the only way to get him here and for him to be able to work. We are planning to have a small civil ceremony in May (he moves over here August) but we'll have a larger celebration or reception maybe next summer. The hard part is who to tell — I'm all for keeping it open and telling our families but we don't know what to do about friends and how to get the word out….
Chesney said
I wanted to do this for insurance purposes…mom suggested it. Because i have a 1000 dollar deductable!!!!!
I felt bad and talked to my father about it since he's paying for everything, he told me it would all be off if we did this…plus we wanted my childhood pastor to be able to sign the certificate as it meant something to me..
Here i am a few months later…still on my health insurance but in 40 days i'll be married! It was worth the wait for me I suppose, but if you have nothing holding you back!!! DO IT! It will be worth it!
Jessica said
Re: making decisions for your fiance.
A durable power of attorney doesn't usually cost that much to create (do some attorney-shopping to find out different fees) and would establish whomever you want to act as your medical and legal voice should you become incapacitated. There are forms you can find online and fill out, but I recommend going through an attorney because a) laws vary from state to state, and b) you want a strong legal document given that you're not married.
[Personally-influenced side note: Making a POA is also a great time to discuss your wishes regarding feeding tubes, ventilators, CPR, etc., with your partner if you haven't already done so. You have no idea how many people go all-out because they aren't sure what their loved ones would want and feel guilty withdrawing support.]
Laura said
I had a client recently do exactly this…quietly get married months before the actual ceremony to get on her husband's insurance. No one knew and it didn't change a thing about their wedding!
At the end of the day, the act of marrying (the paperwork portion, that is) is simply a contract. If that contract entitles you to much-needed benefits, I say go ahead and sign it early! It has no bearing on your love, feelings, vows and all those things that make the ceremony special. They're really two completely different things, if you think about it.