What I learned from canceling my wedding

Guest post by ThisisHalloween

The invitations came back from the printer. They're everything I expected and more. The dress is hanging in the closet, tucked away in its garment bag. His vintage tuxedo looks dashing with the new vest and bow tie.

But oh wait… when is the wedding again?

Cancelling a wedding can be a hard thing to deal with, especially when it's due to a breakup. I consider myself lucky because my fiance and I are still together and very much in love. Right now, life is too complicated to add anything else that needs to be planned. Too many important people wouldn't be able to attend. And that jobless while in school thing… it kind of sucks. So, after canceling our wedding, with a heavy heart, I decided to take my obsession with list-making to another level. Here is a compilation of the lessons I learned in wedding cancellation…

1. If you are going to cancel your wedding, do it early (if possible)
Now, this doesn't mean be hasty. One fight or a little setback isn't necessarily a cause to cancel. Decide what's important to you and discuss it with your fiance. The deciding factor for us was the fact that key members of the family would not be able to make it out. Sure, we can party with other friends and family, but if those certain people weren't there, the day would feel empty. If you choose our route, you'll need time to cancel contracts and let family members know.

2. Take a good look at your budget
If you were planning a ridiculously expensive event and you, let's say, lost your job and were unable to pay for the wedding, a cancellation (which usually translates to lost deposits) could be cheaper, and less stressful, than trying to figure out a way to pay for it all. Then again, if you have most of your wedding paid for and good money invested into your wedding, maybe you could think about scaling back?

3. Your vendors are more awesome than you think
I practically had a panic attack when we decided to cancel our wedding. We really loved our space and our vendors, and didn't want them to blacklist us from ever having an event again. I wrote a detailed e-mail to each vendor. (Yes, personalized is the way to go. It's only polite). I explained to them that we were cancelling and stated our reasons why. No one freaked out! Remember that vendors are people too.

4. Communication with your partner is always key. Always.
I started having doubts about the wedding (not the relationship… the WEDDING) early on, but I knew I wanted to marry my fiance so I didn't say much other than “Do you like this venue?,” “Would you rather have German chocolate or pumpkin spice cake?,” etc. I thought I was doing him a favor by keeping my mouth shut when it came to my apprehensions. It turns out that, as the planning process carried on, we became more and more distant. Finally I exploded and screamed and cried and told him the truth about the way I felt. We ended up sitting down and talking for hours during our anniversary weekend. We discussed why we wanted to get married and laughed at ourselves for making this more complicated than it should be. We also shared our expectations of relationships and life. It was like getting to know each other all over again. We have been a lot more open in our relationship since then and have paved the way for future serious talks.

5. Online forums (including the Offbeat Bride Tribe) could be hurting your relationship
Yes. You read that correctly. I spent too much time online venting with my fellow brides, when I should have been addressing these things to my fiance. Sometimes, we need to vent and it feels safer to do so to a bunch of anonymous people than to blow up at the culprit. However, I tended to get the satisfaction of “Ahh, I feel better now. I'm not mad. It's all better,” or think “I don't want to bother him with another favor idea, I'll just ask the Tribe,” when in reality the problems were growing worse. Now I know that, if I need to vent, get it over with and then have a level-headed discussion with my fiance.

Also, there are a lot of us who are online every. single. day. Sometimes we need to back away from the keyboard and look our lovers in the eye. If you must do a search, write it down and look it up later. Just think, “My fiance is more important than knowing which appetizer the caterer will serve first. The menu will be there later. My fiance might not be.” Make it a habit to have one distraction-free night a month.

6. There is nothing wrong with wanting a wedding (or lack thereof)
Seriously, there isn't! So many people have said, “Why don't you just elope?” Because we don't want to! Our wedding will be the only time our families will ever be together at the same time. We want that chance. Throughout the wedding process people will *ahem* offer up their opinions. It's not their call. Do what's right for you. And of course, if that means ditching the wedding all together, so be it!

7. Just because you're not getting married NOW, doesn't mean you're not planning on getting married
I have a ring on my finger. People often ask, “When is the date?” I answer, “To be determined.” Most of the time they give you a funny look and disregard your commitment. The fact is, we plan on getting married… when it's right. When that will be, I don't know. I'm just so happy to be in love with a wonderful man who is in love with me. I don't need to be an offbeat bride. I'm okay with being an offbeat person in love with a bearded Irishman who happens to be pretty damn offbeat himself.

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Comments on What I learned from canceling my wedding

  1. We’re not canceling our wedding- we’re just 2.5 months out (*que hyperventilation now!*) but we did have some, shall we say, “come to Jesus” moments, talks where we had to do a sanity check and make sure that what we’re doing is what WE want (and can reasonably do!). Thanks, Halle, for your post. We did consider canceling and this week I’ve joked that I wish we had gotten hitched when we were in Vegas in November (roadtrip!). Kudos to you for doing what you need to do- it’s VERY hard to remember in the midst of it all!

  2. Thank you, ThisIsHalloween (love your alias, btw!) for this post. My fiancé & I are (old farts at) 42 & divorced. We both married young, had fairly long marriages (decade+), and once divorced neither of us thought we’d ever remarry. We were each single for almost 10 years & had known each other for 7-8 years. Honestly neither of us were looking for a relationship but life has a funny way of changing what you thought you knew and/or wanted. He proposed exactly one year after we started dating & we planned a small family-only ceremony preceded a few months by an “engagement party” in the park with all our friends (since they were not invited to the actual wedding). As the dates started to draw near, though, we both got a little uneasy and canceled everything (technically, we postponed). It was not because we don’t love each other, or had cold feet, just because we weren’t ready. We both lead hectic lives, and even our simple family-only ceremony started to wig us out. We still plan to tie-the-knot, but maybe we’ll have our Supreme Court Justice friend do it on the sly–just a fun night out with me & my fiancé and she & her partner. We can figure out the pomp & circumstance later.

  3. I can totally relate to what you all are saying. My fiance and i have been together for ten years and after numerous “when are you going to married” interrogations we decided to tie the knot. We set a date even though my fiance had just started school and was not working. The plan was school would be done 6 months before the wedding and be working shortly after. Neither of those happened. My mother had graciously become the financial backer for our wedding but I had to majorly scale down what I thought I wanted my wedding to be. It’s been really stressfull because we have put down deposits and on some things have made a second payment so we have too much invested now to turn back. Sometimes i feel like i am “settling” and worry that when i look back at my wedding pics all i will see is what i didn’t get to do the way i wanted but i am trying to replace that thought with the fact that material stuff shouldn’t even be the focus, our marriage should be.

  4. Our vendors were great when we had to tell them we had moved to another country and had to cancel our bookings. Two of them refunded us all of our deposits, even though it wasn’t their policy, and the photographer is trying to fill that spot so she can refund the deposit we have with her.

    We never asked them for the refunds, they were offered to us, and we were pretty stoked, because our contracts said there wouldn’t be one.

    One of the things I noticed about when we cancelled our wedding and decided to have a small courthouse wedding in the country we moved to is that the people that weren’t happy with the decisions we’d made for our original wedding are also the ones complaining about our decision to cancel the wedding and do the courthouse thing. The ones that supported us all the way through are even more supportive now we aren’t spending thousands having a bigger wedding. They see it as a sensible decision.

  5. I’m definitely struggling with this now. Specifically, the detachment of marriage from wedding. I’m postponing a wedding for financial reasons, timing reasons, life reasons, AND relationship reasons, and I’m having a hard time remembering that not being able to afford the wedding I want is a big part of canceling it. Instead my focus goes to the relationship aspect and assuming ‘calling off wedding’ = ‘calling off relationship’. I’m trying to focus on the fact that lack of wedding does not equate to lack of healthy relationship. All those hard-ingrained patriarchal ideas are hard to recognize sometimes.

  6. I did this 3 months before our wedding! We were too stressed, my partner had just had a hospital stay that had undetermined costs, my dad was deployed overseas and would have been jetlagged the whole 5 days, we were already in debt, and beloved family members would have gone into debt to join us. We postponed our wedding and everyone was understanding (to our faces. There were some grumbles by those who’d already bought plane tickets prior to formal invites going out).

    The hardest thing was the words of ‘encouragement’ that went “Oh, it’s sooo important that you be sure you’re marrying the right person, it’s good to take time!” and I had to dispel assumptions that we were quietly hiding a breakup.

    This February at my partner’s birthday party at a brew-on-premises, we surprised 20 of our friends by pausing during the wort boil and legally wedding. We ate pizza and I baked a Minecraft cake. Planning a party (so I can wear the dress and eat more cake) sometime next summer.

    • TL;DR version: don’t let shame or pride keep you from canceling your wedding responsibly!

      I hope you understand why those who bought plane tickets (a) did so before you sent “formal” invitations, and (b) were chagrined. Plane tickets are expensive; less so when you plan. They bought tickets early because you told them the date and wanted them to be there, and they wanted to do so as affordably as possible. If you accepted anything less than full responsibility for the fact that you cost them hundreds of dollars, especially if you hung it on something as flimsy as “I haven’t sent the formal invitations anyway,” they have a right to grumble–although it’s braver to do so to your face.

      You have every right to cancel/postpone a wedding. But when people have spent money to be there, you ought to sincerely, personally tell them that you are sorry–not sorry that you’re not getting married, but sorry that your having planned to and then having changed those plans cost them money. If you did not call or write a personalized note to express a sincere apology, that’s why they’re grumbling.

      If these are your relatives or future in-laws, apologize now. Lifelong rifts have been made of lesser debts than these.

      If you got lucky and these are just crappy old friends you don’t truly care about, brush it off. But just in case, DO make sure the people you care about get an apology–even a late one, and even if you’ve not heard of their grumbles.

      • We did precisely that *before* actually canceling, and consulted them specifically on the cancellation, to which they lovingly responded with “absolutely do what you need to do! We love you and want you to be happy!” They are my relatives, and some of them still came out and made a vacation of it. Only a few of them didn’t quite get it. The grumblers were the same ones who assumed we were breaking up. I think they just don’t care for my spouse.

  7. Excellent post and lots of good reasons, not losing sight of each other and why your getting married is so important, you’ll get there when the time is right.

  8. i love this so much! thank you for sharing. this could have been my story… easily could have been my story. I especially like points #4 & 5.

  9. Great article but I got question about cancelation fees. What if someone have to postpone their wedding to the different date. Does it mean that they loose paid deposits? I’m a wedding photographer and got a couple who want move back the wedding. Should I charge them a booking fee again? Thanks for help.

    • We decided to change our date after already putting deposits down with a couple of vendors. They didn’t charge us anything extra. If they had, I would have walked away and found another vendor. It was a really difficult decision to change our wedding date, and the last thing I would have wanted to deal with was more stress and pressure from our vendors. Unless you have absolutely no chance of re-booking the original date (ie, it’s only a week away) and you are 100% sure you are going to lose the business, I don’t see a reason to punish and lose the trust of people who are already in a difficult situation.

      • Thank you Mabrewer. I didn’t charge them extra as I had other date available. Thank you very much and have a happy Christmas.

  10. My fiancé and I have been planning a September wedding. I have already sent out the Save the Dates, the dress is bought, and the venue is booked. We both have a ton of student loans and credit card debt. We have been staying with my parents just to save enough money for the wedding. I have really begun to resent the whole idea of a wedding, not a marriage because it seems to be more of a burden than it’s worth. I talked to my FH about this and he completely understands where I’m coming from and is in total agreement. We originally weren’t going to have a wedding- just go down to the courthouse instead. The problem is, since I already sent out the Save the Dates, I don’t know what I should do for notifying people about the wedding being called off- and what reason I would tell them.

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