How to deal with pressure to lose weight for your wedding #Friends & Family Advice#body image#boundaries#conflict resolution#mother of the bride#plus size Updated Jan 26 2017 (Posted Aug 27 2012) Ariel arielmstallings I am not a skinny girl, and I have been trying to justify loving myself as I am, feeling beautiful in the body I have and trying to accept my body no matter what size. My boyfriend (who wants to propose this year) loves me the way I am, and I love him the way he is. But I have serious anxieties about my mother scrutinizing my weight all through the engagement process… "No wedding dresses are going to look attractive on you if you don't lose a good XX pounds!" "MOM!" "Well, it's true." If my mother criticizes me and doesn't stop, how do I deal with it? How do I tell her to back off without pissing her off or giving her a brush-off answer? -Sarah Hoo boy. We all know that weight loss is a hot button issue in women's publications, and it's one we normally avoid on Offbeat Bride. We avoid it not because it isn't important, but because it's incredibly pervasive and talked about everywhere — and I don't think it should be tied to wedding planning. As we say in the Code of Conduct for our Offbeat Bride Tribe members: No weight-loss/negative body image talk This is a touchy subject, and without a doubt our most controversial rule: The Tribe is not the place to talk about weight loss, or negative body image. Too many wedding communities are overtaken by unhealthy, triggering discussions, and our aim on the Tribe is to promote positive attitudes of self-acceptance. We are about celebrating all body shapes, sizes, and abilities, and encourage our members to find ways not to snark or talk negatively about their own bodies. We discourage insulting anyone's body — and includes your own! I am all for making the decision to lose weight — but strongly believe the decision should NOT have anything to do with A) wedding planning, or B) pressure from others, even family members who love you. That said, I do have two potential communication strategies for how you could handle this situation with your mother. The quick boundary Related Post 7 ways to keep "Momthulhu" from hijacking your wedding plans Before the Bridethulhu, there was the Momthulhu: wrecker of peaceful wedding planning, stirrer of pots, and thwarter of offbeat ideas. Maybe you have one? Maybe... Read more The next time the issue comes up, simply tell your mother "It means so much to me that you care so much about me. That said, I hope you can respect that I've put a lot of thought into this issue, and honor the fact that I've made a different decision than you might. Please trust my ability to make choices about my body that work best for me. I don't want to talk about this any more." If she presses the issue, make the line very clear: "Again, I really appreciate that this means so much to you, but I've told you where I stand on the issue. If you bring it up again, I'm going to have to end this conversation." If she pushes it again, try this: reach out and hold her hand in yours (if that feels right), look into her eyes and say, "I love you, and I'm done talking about this." Then get up, and walk the fuck away. Lather, rinse, and repeat as the issue comes up. I know it feels harsh (…walk away?) but really all you're doing is articulating that A) you love her, B) you hear her, C) you're clear about where you stand on the issue, and willing to draw very clear boundaries around talking about it. The longer discussion Related Post I'm a fat bride I recently posted on Facebook that I want anything emblazoned with "bride" to be changed to "fat bride." My identity as a fat woman is... Read more Ok, so maybe you want to use this as an opportunity to have a longer discussion about the issue. That's awesome, if you've got the energy for it. (I'm not sure I would, if I were in the thick of wedding planning.) Here are the conversation tools I'd use: First, recognize that your mother is coming from a place of concern — however misguided it may be. She wants you to look pretty and feel good and be healthy — all things you likely want too (even if you disagree with how to get there). Frame all conversations around recognizing this common ground. Pick a few of your favorite self-identified plus-size brides from our site to show your mother. Show her clear examples of how beautiful and happy brides of ALL sizes look on their wedding days. Talk about the feelings that come up for you when she talks about weight loss and your wedding. Does it make you feel like she doesn't support you? Does it bring up feelings of fear around her being disappointed in you? Avoid blame ("You make me feel sad!"), but articulate the emotions that come up after these conversations. Share the process you've gone through to get to the place of body positivity. Tell her about what makes you feel confident and good in your body. Give her clear ideas about how she could contribute to those feelings. Read together — print out a few posts from our body image archive, and talk over what you relate to there, and what you disagree with. I also highly recommend the Fat Bride Survival Guide, written by an Offbeat Bride we featured in 2008. Related Post Psychology Today: Fighting the Unhealthy Cultural Push for Wedding Weight Loss I've written in the past about the pressure put on so many brides to lose weight for their weddings (and how I suggest people handle... Read more I'd love to hear from brides who've dealt with this issue: how do you deal with pressure from family? I want to be very, VERY clear here: I'm not interested in hearing about whether anyone should or should not lose weight for their wedding. That's a personal decision, and not one that people on the internet have any place telling you how to make. What I want to hear from y'all about is this: if someone has made the decision NOT to lose weight, how can they constructively deal with pressure from friends, families, or vendors? Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Ariel Author of the Offbeat Bride book, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives in Seattle with her son, and if she's not reading or writing books, chances are good that she's dancing or happy-crying. Subscribe to her newsletter to get the behind-the-scenes stuff. PREVIOUS Joyful jumping, kilted men, and the starriest night ever NEXT Julie & Paul's farm fresh and sassy wedding Show/Hide comments [ 142 ] June of last year, I decided I was tired of having zero energy, and I was going to do something about it. I started eating healthier, and forced myself to start going to a gym. In October, my BF became my fiance. This had NOTHING to do with my new eating habits or exercise program. He had just gotten out of the hospital after a 12 day stay for apendicitis and realized we don't always get all the time we think we will. He decided he didn't have to come up with the perfect proposal and just asked. It was the perfect proposal because it was a complete surprise (I love surprises!) and it came from the heart. The problem I've had during my wedding planning is not people telling me I need to lose weight for the wedding. It's been their assumption that the weight I've been losing as I've been eating healthier is due to the wedding. I have explained countless times that I'm not trying to lose weight for my wedding, I'm trying to eat healthier and work out more to improve my self image and to live a healthier life. I try to take a gentle approach when I explain this. "Actually, I hadn't even thought about losing weight for the wedding, I was just tired of being tired all the time." This tends to make most people change how they're looking at it. There have been some that persist in asking how the wedding weightloss is coming along, and I've started to either ignore the question or simply say "I'm not losing weight for the wedding." and change the subject. My response to that question depends entirely on who is asking it. I've seen a LOT of good information already about how people have dealt with this question. Much of it is better than my two cents, but I can only talk about my situation. I'm not skinny, and I'm never going to be. I AM much more comfortable in my skin than I was last year in June but I think that has more to do with the energy I have now that I'm eating better for my metabolic rate. I was fortunate that my family didn't even mention my weight when they heard about the engagement. I do wish I'd known some of these things before. It would have made holidays more enjoyable with the more judgey members of my Southern family. Reply Like you, I started to change my lifestyle around the time I got engaged. I started eating well, and I challenged myself to run a half marathon. At the same time, I started losing weight. I was so tired of people telling me "good job for losing weight for the wedding" when in reality, the weight loss was just a byproduct of this whole self-empowerment journey I started. Each time a person mentioned my wedding and new lifestyle in the same breath, I felt like they were erasing my agency to determine my own motivation. It was really frustrating, and at times, those comments actually threatened to de-rail the pro-empowerment, kick ass attitude I was maintaining about my new fitness routine. But I stayed strong, and honestly, finishing that half-marathon was probably one of my greatest accomplishments because I did it for ME and not for my partner, society, or anyone else. Reply When I got engaged I confess I started looking at myself in terms of "how will I look in a wedding dress, in photos that will last forever?". However, I am actually glad I did, if only because that was my wake-up call that I really had gotten unhealthily large. I honestly didn't realize it before. Sure, I kept having to buy new clothes, and didn't like the way I looked in anything, but I never had before anyway, and nobody was calling me fat, so I just… didn't realize. So I started losing weight and exercising a little, and I felt wonderful and empowered and all the things that come with being a healthy weight. But then the tables turned again and I started making my goal a date (the wedding) instead of a feeling or a ratio (BMI) or something. I started telling myself I had to lose X pounds by this date. Which was a good motivator for me, but then left me feeling relieved and done with health management after the wedding. I gained almost everything back after the wedding, because I had made that my goal instead of a healthy lifestyle. Argh! So now I have to try to motivate myself back to health again. Ah well. I am learning to love my body without becoming accepting of my health problems, mostly with help from OBB, so hopefully I can feel pretty but still motivated to be healthy. 🙂 Reply "Being fat at the holidays" link up-thread, and this discussion thread have been eye-opening for me. If you switch out "fat" for "divorced", then you have the essence of every interaction with my mother, and even a relative stranger or three–essentially, people who feel strangely comfortable judging you and your life. I guess the whiff of "failure" is too tantalizing to resist; some folks seem to delight in projecting their own relationship fears by forecasting my own (repeated) doom. So though I'm not plus-sized, I found this discussion very helpful and surprisingly applicable to my own wedding stresses. Thanks for this. Reply In struggling with my weight, my mother has made some pretty crass, judgmental, rude, and totally hurtful comments. Coming from a place of love where she thinks she's supporting me! I had spent WEEKS dreading a trip back to my hometown to visit, because we invariably go shopping (usually sharing a fitting room if they were busy or just to skip the step of walking out to say "what do you think of this?") and I knew she was going to make commentary about the weight I had gained since the last time she saw me. I was psyching myself up for a big long discussion, I wanted so badly for her to understand that I RECOGNIZED that she was just trying to be helpful, but that I was on the verge of triggering an eating disorder and I didn't need her to help me get there. I stepped out of a fitting room to ask her opinion and said, "Mom, I need your thoughts on how this fits me without making judgey comments about my body." She was clearly taken aback, but THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS SAID! And a year and a half later, there have been no comments about my body, and questions about me going to exercise have been phrased JUUUST differently enough to be noticeable, with a much less aggressive, accusatory, guilt-inducing tone of voice. All that anxiety and it was a flippant, off-hand comment that made the moment work without hurt feelings. It totally could have gone the other way, but I lucked out. I was sure we were going to revert back to our relationship when I was 14 because I totally felt like a petulant child when I said it–but she took it as an adult setting boundaries and it worked! If you think your relationship can handle it, a seemingly off-hand comment that's direct but not "picking a fight" might be the way to go (although mine was totally picking a fight so I don't necessarily recommend it!). I think ultimately *I* would have been happier with a more in-depth discussion, because I still worry that I made my mom feel bad. So, to each their own. Reply Wow, the number of replies to the original post just goes to show how much we young women share in common! I didn't feel pressure to lose while approaching my wedding (which was last week 😉 ), but I did put on a couple of pounds. Stress and being unwell meant that I was unable to maintain my normally active lifestyle. On my wedding day I still managed to feel good about myself, and it was mostly because I was marrying my sweetie and because I had all of the people I love most in the same place to celebrate (and party) with me. With this in mind, I was joyful and totally let any of my body image stuff go. I also had a second dress to put on later in the evening, and that happened to help a whole lot as well! 😉 It was an outdoor wedding, and though gorgeous, it was hotter than the hubs of hell being in a wedding dress all day. I had the second dress for 'just in case' I felt gross later on, which I did, and I could change into something equally as beautiful as my wedding dress, but more colorful, and comfortable! I was surprised how good I felt about myself after I slipped away and changed, to make my second reveal of the night! No one knew I had the extra dress, so it was a surprise, and I got many more compliments about how pretty I looked. How could that be bad?!? Ironically, I had more of a struggle with body image on my honeymoon than I did at the wedding. Now that I'm back to normal life (ie non-planning mania), I feel an urgency to get my life back under control. Settling into a healthy, active lifestyle is my focus now. At least it's not as daunting as planning a wedding (to me, anyhow)! Reply About 2-3 years ago, I lost a lot of weight. I stopped working towards my goal weight/fitness and went back to school with about 15 lbs or so left to shed. I ended up taking this summer off and decided to use my new free time to get crackin–I enjoy being fit and active and it was great to have the time to work on my goals. Problem is, I'm now engaged. I have a big ol ring on my left hand or on a chain around my neck and that apparently kills any desire for self improvement/change for the sake of improvement/change–it must be because of the wedding. Every trainer I've talked to, every fellow gym person I've talked to, even my friends and family and future in laws–they all say something like "Oh! So you've got a dress to fit into then? Good for you for getting a head start!" WHAT THE FUCK. It makes me so stabby that because I happen to be planning a wedding, anything I decide to do with myself, my life and my body must be focused on that. The rest of my life up until now was just killing time until the Big Day. I hate the pressure to be thin and perfect and I hate the idea that I'm just working towards being a motherfucking princess and that I'm incapable of thinking, doing or planning anything not wedding related for the next 11 months. Reply I am so with you on this. I'm in the same situation, I lost a lot of weight in the past year for my own health-related reasons, and got engaged a month ago and I'm finding myself involuntarily swept up in the whole "losing weight for the wedding" garbage. Drives me crazy that it's so ingrained into our culture to assume that I couldn't possibly be doing it for reasons other than "fitting into" (ugh I hate that phrase) a wedding dress. Reply My parents have long been concerned about my health, even before I was overweight, because my grandma had diabetes and they are afraid that I will get it, too. And I certainly don't want to get it! The trouble is that the way my parents broach the subject of my weight, it always manages to make me feel worse about myself, which makes me rebel and want to eat even more. It doesn't help that my parents are both very active (their retirement helps with that) and my mom and my aunt have both been losing weight with Weight Watchers. I feel like I am under constant assault by reminders about weight from them. Now that I am engaged, there is extra (though subtle) pressure from my family to lose weight. My mom, for instance, made a comment about how I should maybe wait to get measured for my dress, "in case you lose any weight." While this was more positive than saying "in case you gain any weight," the comment was still very loaded, implying that the way I am right now is not good enough. I also felt awful at the bridal shops I went to. David's Bridal had nothing in my size, but if I wanted to order something to my measurements, I would have to pay for it up front, and if I didn't like the result, I'd only get store credit. I didn't want to risk it. At the other stores I went to, the dresses were all multiple sizes too small for me, and I felt like I was being stuffed into a straightjacket with every dress I tried on. So much for that "you'll fall in love with your dress" dream! But in addition to the traditional wedding dresses, I also tried on a large number of bridesmaid dresses. I found a knee-length one that I really like, which very much my style (modern, but with a retro feel), has a fitted waist and flared skirt that flatters my curves, and can be ordered in pretty much any color, including ivory. Plus it costs far less than a "real" wedding gown. I tried the dress on in dark blue, so it will be a surprise to me to finally try it on in ivory once it arrives. My mom lives across the country from me, and I emailed her pictures of me trying it on. I also deliberately sent pictures of me in dresses that were much too small, so that the contrast was even more evident, highlighting that the non-traditional dress is far more flattering than the traditional ones. My parents offered to help pay for a weight-loss plan, and I finally decided to let them help me, but under my own terms. I told them that I want to do an online program where I can manage my weight myself, rather than feeling obligated to other people's ideas of what I should be doing, and I told them that I need positive encouragement, not negative nagging. I also emphasized that I am doing this for me, not for my wedding, not for anyone else's ideas of how I should look in my wedding dress, etc. My fiance loves me just as I am, and thinks my body is incredibly sexy, so I am not doing it for him, either. I did, however, set myself a goal: we want to go hiking in Europe either for our honeymoon next year, or soon thereafter. My goal is to be able to comfortably hike several miles a day for a couple of weeks in a row. No set weight. No set size. Just something that lets me have more fun exploring with my soon-to-be husband. Reply People are SO nosy about it, no matter your size. I'm 6ft tall and 160lbs, putting me at about a size 8 or so. I have a little tummy flab and I've got some serious baby-birthing-hips, but I'm not really a big girl. I had a customer of mine ask "So, how much weight did you lose for your wedding?" Wait.. what? Um, none? Reply There is a whole movement of Fat Admirers (who refer to themselves as "FA") who are slowly coming out of the woodwork. Maybe your mom could check out some of those websites and get a feel for how the negative comments make people who love fat people (and fat people themselves!) feel. She obviously thinks she's helping, and might just need a new point of view. My mom put me on my first diet when I was 7 years old, and it's been an uphill battle since then. I'm 30 now, and she's mostly given up… but we haven't been dress shopping yet. I AM getting lots of static from my friends though, which makes me wonder why it's ok for me to go about daily life being overweight, but not ok to be overweight on this ONE DAY? =/ Whatever. Reply I find turning it around works quite well (though is a little rude). When people ask if you are trying to loose weight for the wedding, hold their hand, look into their eyes and say, "I'm so sorry, is everything ok at home? Because verbal abuse is still abuse. My partner loves me the way I am an doesn't need me to change, don't ever let anyone try and change you." It makes them realize how hideous they sound, and you don't get shouty! 🙂 Reply I'm getting married in four weeks. I chose not to diet. There are several reasons why, but the main one is this: I've witnessed several friends lose weight for their weddings, then put it back on again afterwards and beat themselves up about it…for years. "I now weigh two stone more than I did on my wedding day *sob*." I don't want to be comparing myself to an unrealistic, unsustainable 'wedding-day weight' for the rest of my life. Reply Erh.Merh.Garrhhhh. Or rather, OhMyGod, look at all these posts. A nerve's been hit. And I know I'm not alone in my worries. I have always struggled to love myself because of my weight. My boyfriend of nine years proposed last summer when my mother was sick and dying. We were out walking our dog, and it was Mother's Day weekend. He had to hurry home to go back to work, and he popped the question. My first answer was "Yes!" My second answer was "Yes, but…is it just because of the cancer?" He assured me it wasn't, though I doubted it for months after. I said I wanted to ask for my mother's blessing. When we got back with the dog, we said we had big news. Mom looked expectant. David told her and she stood right up as if she was as fit as ever. She hugged us both and we gave her flowers from the mountainside, and she rushed to find her old rings in exchange. But as some dire weeks passed, she also sat up late at night watching "Say Yes To The Dress" and showing her open disgust at plus-sized brides-to-be, letting me know if I was to be married, I'd better not disappoint her beyond the grave. "When I die, don't get fat!" she said. "I know you're easily depressed!" I didn't know if I'd shared extra stressful news with her along with the reality of her condition. Maybe we shouldn't have told her about our engagement? She was dying…but I might get fat and look ugly in some dumb frock from David's Bridal. And there was no time for a quick wedding what with our plans to get Mom home for a final visit to Finland, where she hadn't visited in ten years since her own Mom's passing, and our hands were full already organizing hospice and preparing ourselves to understand and communicate with hospice services abroad. The good/bad news is she made it home and died there. I think it's what she wanted, though I can't be sure. Maybe she got all caught up in the barn-raisin' atmosphere of "get Mama home" and never felt brave enough to speak up for what she really wanted. Maybe it all felt like a train speeding out of control. But now, just over a year past her loss, I feel terribly guilty for getting married…and getting fat. I got her old dress out of the bottom of a box. She'd never showed it to me to hope about because she was always thinner. It upset me to hear that my awesome friend, a dressmaker doing me such a huge kindness in tailor making my dress so that I don't even have to know what the hell size I am, had to "block" the lace sleeves to expand them. I thought, "Mama would be so disappointed." It took months to get it started, but I'm now going to a bereavement group. It seems odd to do this in tandem with wedding planning but at least I feel I have a place ot put my grief and not just feel guilty about the bittersweetness of honoring a sacrament of marriage without her. I know I should be talking about body issues but body and spirit are to me the same. I'd love to see some posts on Offbeat Bride about honoring loved ones who've passed away. Right now I feel the only way to honor Mom would be to magically become the 30- or 40-pounds lighter person she thought I'd be if I'd just put down the comfort food for a while. Yes, the self-loathing is just so tiresome and I'm sorry to risk posting it here, as I respect the Tribe's statements at the time I joined. But equally tiresome is the pressure from comments of "Oh, you'll be so beautiful on your big day!" when you just don't believe it, and here, I'm seeking some support on that. Sometimes I just want to hear the truth: You're very organized, and thanks for getting out your invitations on time. No pressure to be pretty! Reply My mom and I have been at war over my weight since forever. So I was prepared for the weight loss pressure when my fella produced an engagement ring. I chose to not try to lose weight for a lot of reasons… Very top of the list, he fell in love with me and my curves the way we look now. So I knew what his vote would be. Then I started making my DIY list. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm a professional floral designer, broke and crafty. We were paying for this shindig ourselves, so I was out to save every dime I could. All the decorations and flowers were my babies. We had an outdoor ceremony and an indoor reception, so some of the decorating could be done the night before, but the bride was still up at 6am decorating a gazebo the morning of. Plus, we home catered. A dessert buffet. I made several things I had never made before, and everything had to be tasted. (Filled cakeballs decorated like hand dipped chocolates, baklava, bite sized cheesecakes, Italian Creme Cake………and lots more) We had a full on BBQ dinner, most of which was made the night before. Who needed all the pressure of weighing, counting calories and all that? Besides, on a short notice, I bought my awesome, first choice, gotta have it dress secondhand at a great deal. So my goal became maintaining my weight so that it wasn't too tough for my amazing cousin to make it fit like a glove. I threw in some fire engine red accessories and felt like a 1940s movie star as I walked down the aisle. DH had tears in his eyes, and our nephew was whispering that I looked beautiful, what else can a girl ask for? Reply This is a wonderful article and a legitmate concern! I'm a bride to be, and while no one is pushing me to lose weight, I have been beating myself up about losing weight for the wedding because I want to look and feel beautiful – and I want to enjoy my photos. I saw this posted on Facebook the other day, and reading it nearly made me cry. It's a blog post from a photographer, who makes such an incredible point, it's really helped me change how hard I am on my own self-image! http://myfriendteresablog.com/so-youre-feeling-too-fat-to-be-photographed/ I highly, HIGHLY recommend it! It's eye opening and profound. Reply I'm overweight. I get given reserved seats in public transportation a lot, because people think I'm pregnant. It's not like I don't care, but I had made the decision of not trying to lose it before the wedding. ALL women I interacted with during the wedding preparation told me I HAD to lose weight, with the sole exception of the vendor who sold me my dress (other vendors said something on the lines of "should" rather than "have"). My vendor actually asked me to maintain my weight, so there wouldn't be problems with the dress fitting. To all the others (including mom and mother-in-law) I simply, but forcefully, said "I don't have to and I won't lose weight. My guy loves me the way I am, he doesn't need me to be thinner to think I'm pretty". After a few times of this, they stopped bugging me. With the vendors who told me they thought they didn't have dresses that would look good on me, or pressured me to try pregnancy wedding dresses, I just showed them: I would insist on trying on dresses that I liked, rather than the ones they chose, and to their amazement they would look good on me. Because, like you say, brides are beautiful, no matter their weight! So my advice is: if you decide your weight is the one you're taking with you on your wedding day, say so and say it as frequently as needed. Avoid being bitchy (it's super hard, sometimes, especially when you're being told the same thing for the 20th time!) but show your decision has been made and nothing will make you change your mind. Rock that gorgeous bod with pride! Reply Wow. What a great article. I guess I just grew up with a different mind-set. I can't imagine my mother telling me I need to loose weight to look good in a wedding dress. This time in your life is already stressful enough, there's no need to add any extra stresses on your life because of somebody else's opinion. I am a wedding photographer and have seen all shapes and sizes and can tell you 100%, every bride I have seen is beautiful. Every bride has that amazing glow about her on the day of her wedding, and your photos will show this. Screw what anyone else thinks. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Never change anything about you for anyone but yourself. Reply I love this post. I am a plus size bride marrying in December. I have always been curvy but over the last few years piled on quite a bit more weight due to some health issues. My partner loves me exactly the way I am, but my mother keeps pestering me about how i will get some weight off before the wedding. To be honest, I would love to loose some weight, but I am not going to go on a diet, I am eating healthy, watching portion size and exercising. My 18 year old son is annorexic and I don't ever want to show him that weight defines who I am. I am having my dress made and the dress maker, bless her heart, told me my curves are to be celebrated. I will look great in a dress made for me! Reply I think wedding planning was the only time in my entire life that mum didn't hound me to lose weight which I found very refreshing and I think I still expected it from her the entire time. Honestly I'm plus sized and what ever I did I was still going to be plus sized and well I had a wedding to plan. A lot of other people (including most of his family) talking to me about dieting to fit into a dress but I pointed out how silly it was in my circumstances to add extra pressure to myself to try and fit into a dress that didn't fit me or to buy a dress a size smaller hoping I would fit into it by the wedding. In fact I had bought a dress a size larger, with a corset so I didn't need to worry about it. Most of them shut up after that. I was worried about the dress shopping too. I ended up ringing around dress shops to ask what sized dresses they had on the rack for me to try on. I only went to shops that had my size or larger. I found some awesome dresses and actually had a hard time deciding which one I loved more. I actually had a far bigger problem with my bridesmaid dresses. All the bridesmaids are much smaller than I am but most of them were blessed with significant cleavage that needed the dress to cover bras (strapless was not going to happen). The shops were far less accommodating for bridesmaids that for brides (despite it meaning more money because of the number of bridesmaids). We ended up having to get their dresses made as we couldn't find anywhere that had dresses that would fit them all. Reply My first wedding was full of negative body image issues from all sides. I was told by the grooms grandmother that I was too big for the dress that I was wearing. I was told by my mother & the groom's that I should choose other bridesmaids because they would make my pictures ugly (we had my pregnant sister and my ex's best friend of the time who was a big gal). I did not handle those productively, I just told them to get over it (pretty much in those exact words) and did what I wanted anyways. My dress fit & our pictures turned out fine. This time around it started last year when my fiance's sister got married. She asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, which I agreed to do. She never said anything about my size (I'm a petite XL, usually between a 12-16 depending on brand, so I tend to look even bigger), when she was dress shopping she started talking about how she needed to get rid of a few pounds (mind you she is already a size 4) and all of her other bridesmaids were also super skinny. I felt a lot of pressure, even though nobody SAID anything, to be tiny. Finally, I explained to her that her negative body image and self-hate was making me feel uncomfortable. She stopped saying anything around me. I still looked like I was in a big gray sack at her wedding, I blame the dress choice, not my body! Fast forward to this year and my wedding, she still said nothing to me about my weight or anything, but began to bug her brother about "getting fit" for the wedding. He doesn't have any health problems related to his weight, so we all knew what she was talking about. He told her to drop it, but I don't think she ever will. Funny anecdote: While dress shopping with future mother-in-law we came across a very skinny bride (even smaller than her daughter, probably a 1 or 0) who was talking about dropping weight. My fml turned around, at David's Bridal and said to a complete stranger, "If you lose any weight, there won't be anything left!" Then proceeded to pick out dresses for fsl to try on. I lost it! Not to say there is anything wrong with being skinny either, that is. Reply I love this post and am totally choked up reading it. I am a plus size bride too, I get married September 2014. I bought a beautiful dress 2 years ago in a bridal sale. It was a bit tight at the time but I figured it would be fine for when I needed it. Fast forward to now and I am freaking out that I will never fit it. I have various health problems that have caused me to gain weight, plus a mother that thinks I need to be skinny to be a perfect bride because after all 'you need to look at those pictures for the rest of your life Kirsty'. Its awful that we let other people and their monsters into our heads and hurt us but it is so difficult when that person is your mother. Whenever she mentions it I just feel like eating a massive bit of cake! The wedding industry attitude generally sucks but I'm so glad I found you guys, real people who know every bride looks awesome no matter what she weighs! Reply Since getting engaged I've had multiple people not offer me dessert because they assume I'm dieting. When I have dessert or in general when people make comments about my wedding weight, I just tell them "I'm working on it." The fact of the matter is that people don't know what you do when they're not around. I go to the gym 3 times a week because it makes me feel healthy not because I'm "losing weight for the wedding. So if I want to have dessert by golly I'm gonna get it. Let people know you have a handle on your weight. Even if that means you are doing nothing because you are happy with your self. Reply I'm a bigger bride and the trying on dresses I think was the hardest part especially in wedding dress world where a size 18 in reality is a wedding size 26!!! (That was a bit hard to swallow). Its just hit new years so I keep being asked by vendors and random people I meet if my new years resolution is to lose weight for the wedding in 8 months. At first it hurt, I wondered why people were so mean and if I should lose more weight. And then I realizes these people where taking away from the happiest moment of my life. So I have now ordered my dress in the size I am currently and thats awesome because the more weight I lose the more it will cost for my dress to be altered, I'm not going to give in to the pressure of everyone else and my budget couldnt handle it either 🙂 Reply Mothers can be VERY hard without really mean it. I wasn't a plus size bride (I'll send in our wedding soon!), I had my dress custom made, and that didn't stop my mom from telling me that I should lose weight… in front of my seamstress at the very first try of what my dress would be. My seamstress looked at her, then looked at me, and said (mouth full of pins, mind you), "you are gorgeous NOW". After nagging me every time we talked in those months, when we reached the 1-month-to-go mark, we talked on the phone and she told me that the ONLY thing I needed was to lose 3 kilos and I was good to go. And I exploded. Apparently, my intent of reasoning (while sobbing in anger) that she had been telling me that I wasn't going to be pretty on my wedding day… well, she thought that I was nervous, not that I was right >_< so she changed the weight issue with "are you calmer, honey?" (FYI, I also lost weight the week before the wedding and my skirt was too loose. My mom was thrilled). Now I'm pregnant. I told her my weight pre pregnancy and her first reaction was asking me to put on 12 pounds max. Calmly, I told her that I would put on whatever I needed to because I was making a person. She still asks me to not get too fat from time to time. So, a LOT of patience and love for you. It's their issue and you don't have to put up with it. Don't let them get you down, you are your own beautiful independent adult person, and you know what to do to be happy. And in the middle of a stressful time juggling with guests and vendors, if what makes you happy is ice cream, GO FOR IT. Please. Reply This article has given me a lot to think about. I'm plus-size and have a number of health issues that mean its difficult to loose weight as I don't have the energy a lot of the time to exercise which is feeding into the guilt. I have been using my wedding (in 3 years time) as a motivation to get to a healthy weight long before I need to go dress shopping. I've already decided I'm having my dress made but I did want to go and do the trying on dresses thing to see what suits me first as I never got that opportunity for my first wedding, I was forced into wearing a beige blazer, blouse and skirt by my Mother as I was 3 months pregnant with my now 20 year old and was made to feel like I didn't deserve the wedding dress of my dreams My darling beautiful daughter who is one of my bridesmaid, is also of a similar build and has the same underlying health issues as me and I've caught myself recently making the same negative comments to her that my Mother and Grandmother said to me when I was her age. I need to find a more body positive way of talking to her about both of us getting healthy for the sake of being healthy. I thought I'd got to the point where I had accepted that my gorgeous naturally skinny fiancé loves me for me but I suspect that deep down I still feel that he's only saying it because he loves who I am rather than what I look like and I need to get past that as I wouldn't want to change him in any way so why should the reverse be true? The reasoning behind that is probably months and months of counselling but fundamentally lies in my relationship with my Mother where I was always made to feel that I never was quite good enough for her expectations and therefore don't deserve to feel good about myself. It was a tempestuous relationship to say the least, although I loved her dearly and now she's not here and neither is my beloved Nan, I'm guilting myself into meeting their expectations for once. Reply The first step toward changing is admitting. It's hard to break away from the habits we were taught as children, but I'm glad you recognize and want to change how you speak to your daughter about your bodies. Keep up the positive thinking! Reply I recently went through this same issue with my own mother. She's been passive-aggresively bugging me about it for a couple years (along with getting married and having kids—you know, cause I'm not getting any younger -_-) but once that ring went on my finger it was like she finally had free range to say I needed to lose weight every time she saw me. Now, I'm one of those people who believes in loving yourself and your body no matter what. And in all honesty, I've watched my mom go from diet to diet my entire life, and while she might lose 10-15 pounds here or there, she's pretty much always been the same shape/size. I am now also that size/shape. My aunt is, my cousin is. It's just what we're meant to look like. I've come to grips with that (this is not to say it doesn't hurt when my mom criticizes me). I, like the questioner, also did not want to spend the entire planning process being berated and criticized, so I took a stand early. It only took 2-3 times for it to sink in for her—so if your arguement doesn't work at first don't be discouraged, stand your ground. I simply explained that I accept my body the way it is, that my fiance loves me the way I am, and that there are a million other things for me to stress about for this wedding, I don't want my weight to be one of them. Also, I'm going to be wearing a corset on my wedding day, so I will look thinner no matter what 😉 After I explained it a few times she started to realize #1) I wasn't going to change my mind and #2) that she hadn't liked when her mother had said/done such things to her (and she never wants to be her mother!) Reply I am not skinny. I am not obese. I'm the in between that nothing fits. Cute tank tops from Hot Topic or dresses from Torrid. They don't make a store for me…shopping has always been a struggle. Now that I'm engaged why is there so much pressure? This is what I look like…why do I HAVE to fit into this image? I've struggled all my life with weight and today I'm the heaviest I've been, and also the most loved by my fiance. I'm not giving in…He loves me like this so I too need to love me like this too. And there's nothing more I love than to see women on this site not fitting in the standard and marching to their own beautiful, wonderful beat. Reply This is a really well written article that shows love and respect not only for yourself but for those issuing offensive opinions. A family member of mine's motto is always she would rather that I hear critiques from her than others as it would hurt less. A sweet sentiment but hard to remember when your hearing judgement. I've suffered with an eating disorder since my early teens, and 2 years ago started to make very good decisions and progress with regards to my body. People think it's appropriate to imply that – even though I work out regularly and eat a healthy diet – my normal behaviors mean I'm going to make myself sick before my wedding. It's hard to combat because a) I know they are concerned about me getting hurt, the same way a mother of a plus sized bride might say something insensitive for fear her daughter will have a horrible experience as a result of her size and b) I feel like i don't have a defense. I was anorexic, you never really stop being unwell you just work hard to combat it. But these comments of "don't make yourself sick" diminish my hard work trying to achieve the exact thing they are recommending. I look forward to holding hands with the next person who says it and saying "I love you and I understand this comes from a place of concern, but I'm done with this conversation" Reply I'm really a bit jealous to everyone of you who can at least reason with their moms and others with their loving advice. In my case, I question the love behind the advice as much as the fact that there can be any reasoning other than "just shut it". I come from a rather toxic family and my mom has quite a history with eating disorders of her own. Basically, "dieting" has been part of my vocabulary probably before I even went to school; a fact that has not stopped me from fluctuating between BMI's 16 to 35ish. I personally have gotten a hold of myself and my weight issues only around my thirties and still suffer extremely bad body image issues every now and then. My mom has never, ever, ever hidden the fact that she is one of those who just adore the skinny people and I will never get away with that. I'm not obese, but still ratheron the big side simply since I'm over 6ft tall, muscular with a big butt, strong thighs and… LOVING IT. So is my FH, what a surprise. I'm not getting a long dress and that has been a conversational piece number one("but your thighs"), rivaled only with conversations on how would "the weight" go ("oh, body cleanse diet", "oh oh! lemon juice!")… Well, you get the picture. The thing is, I do understand that this is some really twisted way of just thinking that well, she wants to be pretty, but it comes out in SUCH a toxic and violating way because of my mothers own eating disorders that are probably still very much present in her. If someone else knows a good way to talk this through, other than my already signature-like "mom, my life, my choice, just stfu", I'm open but the real cure would probably be a couple of year's worth of therapy. Sorry about this very personal rant, but I must really say that THIS is exactly why Offbeat Bride must be one of the best things I have ever found on the Internet. Not only this helps me see the tiny spark of good intention in my moms bloopers, it really, really reminds me that I don't need to be her. Reply I decided to join a gym BEFORE we'd set a wedding date. In fact we'd been engaged for nearly 2 years so wedding plans were still non-existent. I joined the gym in November 2014 and it wasn't until January 2015 we decided to start planning our wedding for October this year. What I find insanely annoying is all the comments I get about how I'm 'losing weight for the wedding' and I have to stop people and explain to them that it has nothing to do with the wedding!! I'm doing this for ME and not for anyone or anything else. Sometimes it's followed up with a 'Yeah.. sure you are' but I have learned to ignore it. FRUSTRATING MUCH!? Reply One more thing I'd like to add on this subject.. My mum has always made remarks towards my sister and I regarding our weight. Then one fine day, I lost my shit. We were having bacon and eggs for breakfast at mum and dads (staying home for the weekend, I was in my mid 20's at the time) when I mentioned my partner and I liked to have bacon and eggs most weekends. My mum gave me a smirk, held my waist and said 'Yes dear, I can tell!' At that very moment, I snapped. 'How dare you!' From there I let it flow.. I can't remember exactly what I said but I finally let out what I'd wanted to say for a long time. I went on about how my size doesn't matter, she's always commented on my weight even when I was at my smallest. I don't give a flying fuck about my size and neither should she. I recall bursting into tears and yelling through those tears – in front of everyone. 'Your my mum and you're meant to love me for who I am not how I look!' (I remember saying that bit..) After my explosion my mum looked like she was about to cry herself. She was terribly sorry, she didn't mean it like that and didn't realise she was hurting me. (apparently she thought if she didn't say anything, no one would and I'd never know.. uh huh) Since then, mum has never ever said a bad word about my weight 🙂 She's never forgotten the incident so thankfully I got through to her. So I guess there's a 3rd option for those who really don't know how to get through to their mothers (or anyone for that matter!) and unfortunately it requires a blow-up moment but hey, it worked for me! Reply It is a challenge to deal with family members and friends opinions of how we should look. A wedding being such a special event just amplifies the pressure to lose weight. I am very fortunate in that my mother is non-judgmental; therefore I never received from my mother any critic or opinion of my body weight. That is really a relief during wedding planning. It is great that you are giving us the readers 2 communication options: quick and long one. The pressure of losing weight can come up at different times therefore it is good to learn to free ourselves from others opinions. A complementary information about this subject can be found: http://raisefrequency.com/12-law-of-attraction-weight-loss-secrets/#_5_Free_yourself_from_the_effects_of_judgments_of_others Reply Read more comments ‹ 1 2 Leave a Reply to Helena Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Sign me up for your offbeat awesomeness newsletter! No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy. Biz owners & wedding bloggers Please just use your real name in your comment, not your business name or blog title. Our comments are not the place to pimp your website. If you want to promote your stuff on Offbeat Bride, join us as an advertiser instead.