How we're making a Swedish kissing tradition into a poly-friendly, queer-friendly wedding ritual #Advice#LGBTQ#polyamory#queer#sweden#traditions June 14 2018 | Guest post by Arielle Greenberg Morgan and Ryan's wedding had some EPIC kissingPhoto by Jesse Schafer Related Post How we decided which wedding traditions to uphold or scrap Sorting through wedding traditions is a Sisyphean task. American wedding traditions are a conglomeration of hundreds of different cultures, not to mention the endless traditions... Read more My fiancé and I hold ethical non-monogamy as one of the values at the core of our relationship. So we are determined to make sure that value is represented at our microwedding, and have been thinking about creative and subtle ways to incorporate it into our ceremonies and rituals. Although our beloved friends and family know we’re not monogamous (and some of them aren’t, either!), we want everyone present to feel comfortable. We’re not looking to shock our guests, and we also want our weddings to be at least a little tasteful –we’re not throwing an orgy, after all (not on this particular date, anyway!). We also want to make sure that whatever we do at our wedding feels authentic to us, not appropriated or co-opted from another culture. So imagine our delight when, while researching wedding customs traditional to our ethnic backgrounds (he’s half Italian and half Swedish; I’m Ashkenazi Jewish), we discovered that there actually exists a ritual that’s time-honored, joyful, culturally-specific, and non-monogamous. And it's even a little queer-friendly. The Swedish kissing tradition. Turns out that at Swedish weddings, it’s a thing that if either member of the couple leaves the other’s side, guests rush up to steal a kiss. If, say, the bride goes to the bathroom, guests might line up to kiss the groom. Traditionally, of course, this meant that male guests kissed the bride and female guests kissed the groom. But according to Stockholm wedding planner Mariella Rietschel Gink on the Swedish site The Local, “there’s almost always a male friend who also gets up to kiss the groom.” Sure, this is probably usually played off as a sweet-natured joke instead of actual gay delight, but why not capitalize on it? And why not make it more consensual, while we’re at it? A guest kissing the groom at SansOrigineFixe's weddingPhoto by David Pernot The way we’ve decided to implement and personalize this tradition is to have our guests at our adults-only, legal, City Hall elopement form a U-shape in the room at the beginning of the ceremony. Our amazing officiant will let them know that we’re about to engage in an age-old wedding ritual practiced in my fiancé’s maternal ancestral homeland, Sweden. She’ll tell everyone that we are going to connect with everyone there — and that if anyone feels like kissing us at this time, they should feel free to, in accordance with Swedish custom. That they can even make out with us, if they like, and we consent to being kissed by everyone present. Related Post Finding poly-friendly wedding songs (that AREN'T about forsaking all others) My fiancé and I practice ethical non-monogamy. We prefer this term to polyamory, but sure, you can call us poly if you want to. We... Read more Then we’ll walk around the U of guests in opposite directions (probably to the Don Henley/Stevie Nicks classic “Leather and Lace,” for reasons), hoping that our guests — some of whom have made out with us before — will choose to make out with us a little at our wedding. With any luck, my fiancé will get kissed by lots of cute girl-types and maybe some cute guy-types. With any luck, I’ll get kissed by nearly everyone (yay for a community full of bi/pan women!). And even if some folks choose not to mack on us, we will still get a moment to stare into each other’s eyes, hold hands, share a laugh, and otherwise have a special second with each and every person who has chosen to be there for us on that day. Nothing would make us happier. Skol, Sweden! We're planning two weddings: family-friendly AND kink-friendly One of things my fiancé and I most cherish about our relationship is that we lead the kind of double-life worthy of one of the superhero comic books he loves… Read More Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Guest post written by Arielle Greenberg Arielle Greenberg writes and teaches poetry and creative nonfiction, and loves to talk and think about feminist sexual pleasure whenever possible. http://www.ariellegreenberg.net PREVIOUS A little bit retro, a little bit punk: this woodsy Maine wedding has it all NEXT A fantastical villainous Candyland sideshow music fest wedding Show/Hide comments [ 2 ] …it's a Swedish tradition? It's true that I ran into it on one of my partners' wedding, but otherwise I'd never even heard of it, never experienced it, either before or after. I'm a Swede, having discussed the matter in confused tones with other Sweden-born people, so I might've missed this particular cultural export. Maybe it's more a sort of overall Scandinavian thing? Or something that arose in recent years? I didn't run up and kiss any of them during that wedding. It was that matter of "when the spouse is away you get to kiss the other one!" that is supposedly tradition (again – wait, it is?) and I was and am SUPREMELY uncomfortable with such non-open, behind-the-back behaviour. I like the way to do it as described above much much better – no sneaking or "when the cat's away" or suchlike! Very inclusive and sweet! 2 agree Reply Maybe they mean Danish 🙂 Here it's definitely tradition. If the bride or groom forgets to go to the bathroom someone will remind them so the kissing rounds can begin. It's very innocent and usually on the cheek. I went to a Danish-Canadian wedding once – there were some looks of surprise from the Canadian visitors when the bride left the room and half the women in the room went up to kiss the groom, who had been warned beforehand. 1 agrees Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. 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