Will living together really make our wedding night less special?

Guest post by Tessa Bailey

Cross stitch from Naughty Needlepoint
Cross stitch from Naughty Needlepoint
Just like many, many, many men/women/unaligned-and-loving-it folks on Offbeat Bride, I've been living with my partner for several years now. We've been dating for four years, moved across the country together — hell, we've even adopted a one-eyed kitten together. We're so used to being together that when he went to SXSW for five days I literally couldn't get a night's sleep because the bed felt too weird without him.

Basically, issues of co-dependency aside, I think it's safe to say that we're living much more like a married couple already than most engaged people have throughout the vast majority of history. And possibly some married couples too — hey, I'm not here to judge.

Personally, I think this situation is awesome. I can go into my wedding day absolutely sure that this is a man that I'm not only head over heels for, but also a man that I can share a bathroom with without wanting to stab him. These things matter when you're 75, wearing dentures, and contemplating the slow but inevitable decline into wearing nothing but muumuus. (I plan to be as eccentric as possible in my elderly years.)

So it's been interesting to find out how many people think that living together pre-marriage seems to somehow make it “less special.”

The first indication I had was when my future husband looked at me whilst in post-coital bliss. “Should we, like, not have sex for two weeks before the wedding? You know, to make the wedding night special?”

Now, if self-denial turns you on then I'm all for this plan leading to stupid-hot sex, but I'm kind of a “more-is-more” girl myself. So I thought, if anything, we should be practicing pre-wedding — you know, to make sure we get it right.

He seemed relieved with my answer, but it didn't stop there. Since then my Mom has suggested that we “maybe hold off on some things to make it special,” (ew, Mooooooooom!) and I've read repeatedly about couples who even forgo kissing in order to make that First Kiss extra-special.

There's that word again. “Special.”

What's so un-special about the deep love we have? The commitment we're entering into? The fact that we know each other so well and are so happy to be spending the rest of our lives together?

Love is in the air © by Tobias FIdelis, used and remixed under Creative Commons license.
It's not that our sex life is unimportant, but damnit people: marriage isn't about sex in this day and age! We've become liberated! We've got The Pill! The majority of people don't enter into the Sacred Covenant Of Marriage without having been around the block a few times, if you know what I mean (go ask your mother).

Damnit, my wedding is going to be special because it's MINE. My whole marriage is going to be special, even on the boring days when we have to do our taxes, or the bad days when we get in a fight over what kind of milk to buy. For that matter, every time we have sex it's special, because it's us and it's an expression of love and because it's REALLY HOT. I don't need a wedding night to be turned on.

I don't believe you have to recreate some sort of pseudo-temporary virgin-hood in order for your wedding to be Special. I'm glad we're entering into this adventure with the knowledge and experience we have, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Meet your new BFF wedding vendor

Trending with our readers

Comments on Will living together really make our wedding night less special?

  1. We spent the first four years of our relationship either long distance and/or living with friends. So when we moved in just the two of us we and our family saw it as our “make or break” moment. Glad to say we made it hehe. I know that we are truly compatible. Think we’ll take the wedding night as it comes, if we have the energy then fine if we stay up partying instead also fine. Got a couple of days after to make up for it 😉

  2. The husband and I talked about “abstaining” for a bit before the wedding but then decided that was not in our cards since I simply can’t resist him and he thinks I’m smokin’ hot. That said, as the wedding approached, we both got a little stressed and ended up not “doin’ it” any how. Come time for the wedding, our ceremony didn’t even start until 11:45pm and ended shortly after midnight. I’m one of those “turns in to a pumpkin at 9pm” kinda girls, so I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. We got to the hotel, stripped down as fast as we could and fell asleep HARD. In the morning, we had “yay! We’re married AND I actually got some sleep”-sex. It was great.
    I think that the fact that many (most?) people are not virgins on their wedding night anymore has lended itself to a more relaxed view of the dreaded wedding night. You don’t have to listen to grandma tell you about how to “tame the one eye’d snake” the day before. You don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself that it stops being fun. Do what feels right, and if the wedding night sex doesn’t feel “special” enough, put your dress back on and try again.

  3. I lived with my FH before we even started to date! I moved into a shared house with 3 lads after my previous relationship ended (New Girl pinched my story!!) And eventually we started dating. To be honest it was great, as we already got on well living under the same roof. I was initially very worried in case it didn’t work out between us, as I loved living in that house. As it was, it served brilliantly as a test run before we got a place on our own (we also had a 6 month period when the 2 other guys had moved out and so we were together in a massive house, which was great until the rooms got filled again and we realised that we didn’t want others living with us anymore!)

  4. I really absolutely LOVE this post, because I have been getting flack from people just because I am planning my wedding so far in advance ( 2 years). We also want to live together, and people of course make comments, but I really love this?

  5. I live with my fiance, but we dont go past 3rd base. I like this post about living together pre-marital but i also like the idea of poking and stroking after its official that hes mine and im his.. hopefully forever :p
    It was also a lot easier to wait since we were LDR in the beginning bc he moved a few states over for a job, and since i had a job where i lived we only saw each other 5 times in 2 years, but then he proposed which sped up my moving in with him. I dont think its bad to wait, but i also dont think its bad to not wait. Whatever you agree on as a couple is still going to be special, bc your making BIG decisions together 🙂

  6. My Fiancee and I have been living together for over three years now and have been engaged two years. We are also raising my three children from a previous relationship together. I too agree with the writer- no matter what you do a marriage is always special. Regardless of how long we have been together before the wedding- everything we do is special between the two people in the relationship. I don’t have to worry about the uncertainty of whether or not we will get along after marriage because we have lived together and know what to expect. We went into the relationship with our eyes wide open as well. My situation may not work for everyone just as the writers situation may not work for everyone, to each is own. I look forward to my wedding day and the intimacy he and I share after the wedding as I know that it will be demonstrative of he and I. For those who wait until marriage, it works for them and I am happy for them. I personally know that it would not work for me and that is okay. Each relationship and marriage is different just as each person is.

  7. My husband and I lived together for 6 years before we were married. We thought about getting a hotel room for our wedding night but decided the money was better spent towards the honeymoon. Did the wedding night feel less special? Heck, no! It was special because it was our wedding night! Just because it was to a place we’d been at for years didn’t change that. Know why? Because it’s our HOME. And home will ALWAYS be the most special place. 🙂

    • I was 37, never married, was a career woman, when I met my boyfriend of 45, who had been married before, with children over age 15. We moved in together, and planned a wedding 18 months later. I wanted to make our wedding night special, so we planned to “not have sex for a month before our wedding night”.

      It made us appreciate hugging and kissing more, so I am glad we did it, but about a week before the wedding, I was overwhelmed with the pressure of time running out and things weren’t getting done, and I snapped at him. That was a FIRST. He told me what could ease the pressure, so we gave in just once. Wow! He said I needed that.

      The rest of the week flew by, and we had a beautiful wedding on July 11, 1998 at 12:00 noon. I had always been late for every appointment in my life, but was determined that I would be walking down the aisle on time, which I did.

      After the reception, we came to our house to change clothes before going back to the reception for the going away rice throwing event, and you better believe we had hot sex. We were tired, but WE JUST GOT MARRIED! We didn’t want to forget that moment for the rest of our lives. We then went on to an after party until 11 pm, drove an hour to New Orleans, I then passed out, got up at 4 a.m. and flew to Cancun for our honeymoon.

      Oh, and the marriage; we had 10 wonderful years, then his best friend sexually assaulted me, and he wanted to still play golf with this friend on Sunday mornings. That was a deal breaker. We divorced after that.

Read more comments

Comments are closed.