I blow my nose on dirty socks: why my wedding won't reflect who I am

Updated Oct 12 2015
Guest post by Sinéad
(Photo by Tristan Crane.)
Photo by Tristan Crane. (Oh and PS: this is not the author.)

I'm the kind of girl who wipes her dirty hands on her trousers. The kind of girl who would rather sport chipped, shitty nail polish for a week than actually bother spending two minutes taking it off. And honestly, like, really honestly? I have — on more than one occasion — blown my nose on a dirty sock that was closer to my bed than the tissues.

I am also a girl who has devoured almost every single post on Offbeat Bride since I stumbled across the site way back in 2007. So now, years later here I am; 24 years old and all ready to marry a beautiful man next year.

"Of course!" I cried when we got engaged, "OF COURSE every single part of our wedding will represent every single part of our combined personalities and totally reflect who we are as people and be lovingly orchestrated by mine own fair hands! Duh!" Because that's the thing to do when you're a young, independent, quirky, modern Offbeat Bride marrying your equally modern, quirky Offbeat Groom.

So we started planning the sort of event that one might associate with young, offbeat couples such as ourselves. Big Informal Festival Garden Party would have been the tagline had it been featured here. But with those celebrations come responsibilities. And organizing. And the dreaded Making Sure Everything Runs Smoothly On The Day. I was getting sweaty palms and losing sleep just thinking about it.

I suddenly realized something…

The actual type of celebration we have doesn't really need to say anything about us as people. It's all in the details. The childhood pictures we plan to display (teenage sweethearts FTW!), the playlists, the Pokémon hunt, the arm wrestling contest, and the bouncy castle. All of these things are the real things people will remember about the wedding of my partner and me: two outrageous big kids. It doesn't matter if we strategically place those items in a back garden, a village hall, or some grand stately home; what matters is us having enough patience and energy to plan these personalized elements that mean so much.

I have decided that on the day of my wedding, I don't want to feel like the host at what would just be a large version of one of my house parties. The same parties where I stress over stupid shit, can't sleep the night before, never put effort in to the important stuff and always rush around without taking the time to enjoy myself. No. I want to be the gosh darn guest of honour. I want to walk in, looking fly as hell, and be handed a drink.

Solution? Package wedding. Mmmm. Even just writing it makes me feel like I've slipped into a nice hot bath. Ahhh.

Frankly, I've always secretly dreamed of unleashing my long-suppressed inner fancy bitch for the "big day," princess style, but I'm just so damn LAZY. If the planning were all left up to me, it would be a half-baked disaster. In reality, I don't give a flying frig about making/renting/buying chair covers! But I'll be damned if I have naked chairs at my wedding. You see the contradiction here?

That is all to say, no, my wedding — as an event — will not represent me as a person. Because that person rarely brushes her hair, would rather sleep for five more minutes than shower, and can't cut paper in a straight line. That person half-asses things so often, it's a genuine surprise she actually has a whole ass.

My wedding will be suspended reality where I can be the fabulous, glamorous, high-maintenance diva that I'm utterly convinced I would be if I wasn't so busy being a disgusting, cave-dwelling troll. And I can't fucking wait.

  1. "My wedding will be suspended reality where I can be the fabulous, glamorous, high-maintenance diva that I'm utterly convinced I would be if I wasn't so busy being a disgusting, cave-dwelling troll. And I can't fucking wait."

    OMG THAT IS THE BEST LINE EVER!!!!

    Seriously, I wipe my nose on socks, sometimes, too. And I wore a crown on my wedding day. Rock it girl!

  2. LOL, you are funny….but seriously with hair like that, who needs to brush it. You are low maintenance cause you don't need it, you are preety without all the "fluff." I am sure that your wedding will be just fab & the wonderful part about it will be that you paid someone else to "stress" for you. Hey that is what event planners are for. All the best E

  3. I love this so hard. This is a lot how I feel about my dress and hair and make-up lately. I'm not the kind of lady who wears make-up unless it's a super important event (job interview or fancy party), or does her hair every day, or wears heals ever and I fart and burp more in a day than my FH probably does in a week. I worried about my hair/make-up/dress looking "too princessy" (whatever the hell that means) and whatever I am or am not, I decided I'm no-one's damsel in distress (I'm the damsel in datdress – badumcha!). But then I decided, "who fucking cares?" Lots of women go for the princess look on their wedding days, specifically cause they DON'T feel or act like princesses every day.

    So yeah. Imma be a pretty pretty princess and it'll be awesome. Rock the fuck on.

    • "Lots of women go for the princess look on their wedding days, specifically cause they DON'T feel or act like princesses every day.

      Yep. Not everybody has that inner princess (or diva), but if you do, what better day to let her shine and strut?

  4. "That person half-asses things so often, it's a genuine surprise she actually has a whole ass."

    Can I get an AMEN?! In the prelim planning stage I'm already all sweaty palms and anxiety, worrying about being a sell-out by having others create things that may not be exxxxxaccctly how I envisioned. Glad I'm in the same boat as someone who has successfully seen the light.
    Also, congrats and enjoy putting on your fancy pants.

    • I'm gon' be so faaaancy. But for reals, being a sell out is way better than what would be a pathetic attempt at trying to orchestrate a huge 24+ hour, 100 person+ event when I can barely successfully orchestrate dinner, ya know? x

  5. Ugh laziness ftw!

    I had a dilemma when we got engaged cause your wedding has to reflect you yada yada yada. But you know what? I did my soul searching when I was 25 and I'm pretty boring. And I'm completely good with that. I like watching movies and wearing jeans and I also like wearing dresses. I'm not a steam punk, I like my nerdy things but I'm not a nerd girl. I am just me and my partner is my partner. And our wedding is not offbeat but it ain't WIC either! But that's who I am!

    • Dude. This. This is like you read my mind. Turns out, I'm actually sort of boring as well! At least on the outside… I mean in my mind it's a crazy sparkly wonderland, but most days I'm just a girl with bike helmet hair and a pillow-marked face from where I decided to sleep instead of shower. We are great! x

  6. [applause to author]
    I found OBB too late, when my fairly traditional wedding planning (by venue and style, though we skipped many traditions) was already in full blow.

    And more than once adored and envied those really offbeat, couple-reflecting weddings featured here, regretting my own lost possibility to plan Something Special That Reflects Us (outdoors! sport bikes! kayaks! dress in tribal bellydance style!). And had to diminish some ambitious DIY projects too, even though my mother was in charge of all of them (because she is far more better than me in all crafts). But then I realized – what actually reflects me and my now husband as a wedding hosts, was willingness to throw super party where all guests would have fun and would feel like they have been taken care of (as opposed to some weddings where hosts plan dozens of activities for guests but don't provide food for hours between ceremony and reception).

    As a result our wedding was really great, we put there just some personal DIY touches (dessert table with our favorite homemade sweets and recipe booklet), but my friends said "This was so YOU!"

    And I guess this is the key of all great weddings – take care of your guests, and they will celebrate with you wholeheartedly, no matter what are your centerpieces and shoes, and whether choice of venue really "reflects you". (That said, I still drool over some of featured weddings here and think that I would have liked to have something similar – but, what's done is done, and I'm really happily married :))

  7. PREACH IT! Our wedding did have some small elements that were unique to us, but mostly I just wanted to play princess for the day. When else do I pay someone to do my hair? Not cut it, just curl and pin that shit. Never, that's when. It was awesome to have it done for me for the wedding. I cannot even tell you how much in my life gets half-assed…I'm surprised we managed to pull off a wedding at all!

  8. I could have written this exact post and I am SO HAPPY I am not the only one. I agree with each and every single line. My venue includes, caterer, cake, ceremony space, desserts, chairs, linens, table clothes….. it's amazing. And yes, my fiance has had to specifically ask me if i'm going to shower on our wedding day.

  9. Ohhh, yes, package wedding. That's our bag, and it's working out great. A package wedding doesn't mean you don't get what you want – ours are super accomodating, and they do tons of weddings so nothing is a big deal at all. I want to have fun, enjoy the day with my new husband, and (perhaps more) importantly, stuff my face and drink lots of lovely wine. (Joking, but only a little bit.) We're having a reading to reflect our interests, and a they're also in our table cards and favours and a fair few other places as well, so it's hardly sterile, total WIC, but mostly, I just want a nice day without stressing about it!

  10. Hell. Yeah. I'm also a modern, quirky offbeat bride, and I am totally on board with our wedding package. In a way, for us, it's an offbeat decision; we care so little about so many of the details that we're TOTALLY on board with not having to think about setting up tables and chairs and hiring a linen vendor and procuring plates and bowls and forks. Such a relief.

  11. "In reality, I don't give a flying frig about making/renting/buying chair covers! But I'll be damned if I have naked chairs at my wedding. You see the contradiction here?"

    Hit the nail on the head for me. We booked an inn for the weekend where they take care of all the boring details (tent rental, porta pottie – ew!, chairs, plates, caterer, bartender, etc).

  12. OMG, THIS!!! So very this! My FH's younger brother is getting married this August, and we've planned ours for next May. When the Dougie beast called his bro to tell him about the engagement, we were told to ELOPE because it wasn't worth the stress to deal with the vendors. They are dealing with renting EVERYTHING, because their venue is quirky like them but doesn't provide anything to them. I seriously feel for them, because I would not be able to keep everything straight, even with spreadsheets. My venue, OTOH, is a dream. I have to think of nothing because it's all included: food, cake, linens, flatware, etc etc etc.

    So yes, I'm going to take my half-assed troll self to my wedding with the sole purpose of having FUN, dammit! Princess dress, tiara, heels (ugh), professional makeup and hair … and then I'm going to enjoy being the center of attention with the beast. Because I can guaran-damn-TEE it will most likely not happen again.

  13. Just wondering; are you secretly me from the future, but somehow a year younger, com back to point out why it was a really good thing that we went the package wedding route despite the little things that still annoy me about it? No, wait, there is no way future younger me would bother with that, I am waaaay too lazy. On the topic of socks, once I wore the same pair 3 days in a row because I couldn't find clean ones. Ok, it was the start of this week. I still haven't bothered to put on a load of washing, but I did just buy 8 new pairs to stave off the next sock drought. Did I mention I have a child? I promise I change her socks every day. Usually.

  14. I married my lovely wife a few short weeks ago! After a ceremony at the local registry office we had our wedding party in the bar our favourite cinema/art gallery. It was so fabulous and its own funky self we didn't decorate it or re arrange the small clusters of tables and chairs into big wedding banqueting long tables, we just kept it as it was and didn't change anything. We had a buffet meal catered by the venue and the catering manager acted as our day of co-ordinator once we got there. Basically wewalked into the venue after the ceremony and didn't have to do a thing, it wasn't quite a wedding package but it was party in a box as it were, hosted by someone else.

    I am known for being a host, I love throwing parties with themes and lots of little details (and my family are total diy wedding types) but when I am hosting as well I don't get to do ALL the little detaily things I plan, something has to give. Handing responsibility for hosting over to the venue and left me and my wife time and energy for going to town on things like origami (fake) tealight holders to go on the tables, activity packs for the kids, sweetie bag favours, notice board with postcards instead of guest book, map covered card box, our speech/powerpoint presentation etc etc. It all got given to the venue the day before with full instructions for what went where (including photos) and they set it all up, to my surprise it felt amazing to walk away and leave it someone else's hands.

    Much as I love hosting it is also responsibility and this once (to some people's surprise) I was really really glad to hand it over. What was for me a situation where perhaps my wife and I deliberately stepped back from expressing ourselves as much as we could have chosen to (ie, we didn't do EVERYTHING) was as far as all the guests were concerned, totally an expression of me and my wife and no one else could have thrown that particular wedding! The expression and indivduality really is about a few details rather than unilateral control I realise now.

  15. We're having a wedding in a dry hire barn so are having to do coordinate/order everything ourselves*

    Part of me loves this. Part of me is wondering why we didn't just book a package wedding and not have to worry about: ordering ice, having enough glasses, who will move chairs for the ceremony, OMG I almost forgot a table for the guestbook etc etc etc. My sister-in-law-to-be is having a package wedding this year and part of me wishes we'd gone that route – and I NEVER thought I'd say that.

    For us, I think we made the right choice despite the hassle… We wanted to party late into the night, and have a free bar… which meant somewhere we could provide the alcohol ourselves (to make the bar affordable, and get around license laws)… and I'm a bit in love our caterer, who we got to choose ourselves and who just 'gets what we want (and is lovely!)

    But brides-and-grooms in the planning stage: do not underestimate the effort of a self-organised wedding and think long and hard if you really want to spend that time and emotional energy organising just one day? Or would you rather be chilling safe in the knowledge someone else (your venue) is worrying about it all?

    * We will have an organiser on the day… who I'm about to hand the reigns over to in terms of supplier management, sorting out supplier timings for the day, knowing what should be happening when… BEST £300 I HAVE EVER SPENT.

  16. Are there cheaper wedding packages out there? Because that sounds exactly like what I need only on a cheapskate budget. Honestly it's to the point I'm considering having a weenie roast wedding just so I don't have to deal with all the crap and I'm so stinking cheap.

    • In the UK it could be slightly different, but basically a LOT of wedding packages here at hotels etc actually work out cheaper than doing everything yourself in a field (unless you already own said field). But then, if you go to some fancy castle, you're looking at like £115 or more per head… it really depends what kind of venue you want, and whether or not you live in or near a place (in the UK it's basically only London) where all the cool, quirky, budget venues might be. Not to mention outdoor weddings aren't legal here so we were having to factor in a separate ceremony venue PLUS travel to all the places. So yeah, here, the package option is actually working out cheaper for us, but I have no idea how it might work abroad! x

      • Hey! UK ain't only England y' know! Lots of quirky places in Scotland and the rules are different. You can get married anywhere you like in Scotland, and humanist weddings etc don't need to get legalled elsewhere.

        • Yes! You are so right. I definitely should have written England rather than UK. Many pardons. Scotland rocks!!! Bloody England with their silly rules.

  17. This is great! This is so how I secretly feel about reading OFB and I'm so glad someone else said it out loud!!! Love you for writing and editors for posting this.

    And I've never blown my nose on a sock before, so thanks for that tip. New life hack!

  18. Well, this is what I attempted to do. I realized pretty early in that I not only hated wedding planning, I was doing a pretty poor job at it. Paired with a guy who goes 'uhhhhh' when faced with social occasions, I procrastinated until my mother volunteered to take over. Armed with my pinterest board, she set out to make things happen. And they did. Mostly. Except that the venue hosting us was my mother's friend's garden, and said friend was doing catering, and said friend turned out to be a total ding-dong in the way of organization or following plans or telling people what needed to get done. So we had a wedding where majority of the decorations were hiding in her garage, the food came out at the completely wrong times, the cake was half-decorated, the drinks were all mixed up, the music was inaudible, and the order of the day went straight out the window. Things that I wanted to do but didn't put in a specific slot for, like tossing my bouquet? Forget about it.

    I wish I'd have just said no when my mom said her friend had volunteered for all this, but alas, I didn't know the woman very well or realize what a flaky person she is. A venue that knew what it was doing would have been maybe not as 'cozy' but a whole lot easier and less stressful, and probably everything would have happened. Neither my mother nor I would have been running around trying to find things that should have been out, and my friends wouldn't have had to step in and hunt down various items throughout the evening. I would have been able to trust that my guests were being taken care of rather than wondering why that woman was wandering around with a tupperware container full of bacon offering it to people (??!!)

    At the end of the day, I couldn't have been more thrilled with the wedding up to the point where we arrived at the reception, and couldn't be less impressed with how it went from there. People said they had a good time, and I hope they did. I don't believe it, personally. I had to be talked down from hysterics at one point and was nearly in tears on our way home. I guess what I want to say is that it's okay to have package deals. It doesn't make you less creative as a person, just makes things a little less likely to go wrong on the day when you leave your plans in the hands of professionals. And at least if the professionals screw up you can do something about it, whereas I can't even complain because she's my mother's friend. Though she's now lost all the receipts, so who knows what will happen next…

  19. I blew my nose on a sock once. Not too long ago. We should have a sectret handshake. Maybe not actually touching hands, because God knows where they've been.

  20. The timing of this post is great! because it just dawned on me that I was doing the same thing! I realized I was doing such a shiny, fabulous, girly and ethereal wedding when my day-t0-day self wears the same torn jeans I wore the day before, a military jacket I haven't washed in weeks and not a lick of make-up. I've never been girly (other than the 3 times I was a bridesmaid) but after selecting a ballroom venue, picking (and falling in love with) the blingiest of princess dresses, and adding shiny glitter here and there to our decor, and not to mention, realizing it was the same price as if I didn't glam-it-up, I embraced the fabulousness to come! Even if it's not me day-to-day, I'm sure as hell gonna enjoy it! 🙂

  21. I'm so having this discussion with my offbeat fiance. I get horribly horribly anxious about planning informal dinners for my immediate family, let alone planning such a massive and complex event. I am all for a package wedding, so that I can actually relax somewhat and just focus on the day, not spend the entire time freaking out that something will go wrong and it will be ALL MY FAULT. (i'm sure things will still go wrong, but hey if I don't arrange the wedding, it wont be my fault 😉 ) Fiance wants it to be a medieval extravaganza, and reflect all our individual idiosyncracies, which in theory, I like the idea of, but in reality will leave me a horrible freaking out mess…. I'm all, we can just elope? or get married in a registry! I'm so unromantic 🙁

  22. This made me laugh so fucking hard. In a conversation about gender expression, I once identified myself as a "lazy femme": I like the idea of being a glam princess and whatnot, but I just cannot be arsed most days. Maybe I'll be a lazy OBB, too. Ain't no shame in paying someone to worry about chair covers for you!

  23. You fly that flag girl! If I wasn't OCD, I would be the laziest person on the planet. Rock it and don't look back!

  24. Sinéad, I had to double-check this post to make sure *I* hadn't written it…

    Also getting hitched in the Midlands this May, and I am totally not arsed with half of the wonderful, inspirational, quirky, unique, and time-ingesting ideas I see here and across the internet..
    I also adore this site, and my extra 10 minutes in bed thanks to a can of dry shampoo at work. I'd love a bouncy castle, but with a playpark across the road from the hotel it's been cut from the list. There's only so much "Us" you can pump into an event while still being able to relax and enjoy the day without panicking that the hand-cut crepe paper TARDIS banners are crooked.

    From one cruddy little troglodyte in heels to another:
    Do it your way, and live it up as much as you can! 😀

  25. It was at the end of this article when you mentioned two different extremes–one bearing the label, "fabulous, glamorous, high-maintenance diva;" the other bearing the label, "disgusting, cave-dwelling troll." Why label yourself at all? What's wrong with "You do you?"

    For everything, there is a season–and I, personally, believe that this can apply to fashion styles. I saw the two pix at the beginning of this article–the one on the right features a long, white bridal gown; the one on the left shows an ensemble consisting of a shorter, white gown with a black pair of leather boots. As far as I'm concerned–when it comes to wedding ensembles–it's six of one, half a dozen of the other.

    My wife and I are less than a month away from celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary–I wore a two-piece suit with a sterling-silver lapel pin–with the word, "siblatha," the Hebrew word for, "passion," imprinted on it. The fact that my wife wasn't wearing a "typical" bridal ensemble doesn't bother me in the least–she put her ensemble together herself, and it was BEAUTIFUL! She was wearing a long-sleeved, white-lace shirt, an emerald-green skirt–and a brown suede pair of knee-length boots with block heels and inside zips.

    Also: You mentioned a display of childhood pix during your celebration. I've been to weddings where others had the same idea. We didn't have any childhood pix during our wedding or during the reception–but that's okay because my wife married a big kid. I don't change my socks all that often, either.

    I'm 51 years old now, and I still don't know what I wanna be when I grow up. While I can't say that I've blown my nose on a dirty sock–at the same time, I don't see the harm in it, as long as it's one of your own dirty socks and not someone else's. And even if it were–even if there are people out there who would get judgmental about it–it could still be worse.

    I once read a story about a women in Ireland who wore the same pair of socks for (get this) SIX MONTHS STRAIGHT without EVER taking them off. She wore them under the same pair of black ankle boots before she finally peeled them off her feet. So you just do you.

    Your wedding is supposed to be about you and your spouse forming a blessed union–whether you dress in an expensive satin gown with $1200 pumps and imported makeup, having spent the better part of the day in am upscale salon–or whether you show up in a biker's jacket with distressed black leather with torn jeans and cowboy boots–either way, it's a milestone in YOUR life.

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