I blow my nose on dirty socks: why my wedding won’t reflect who I am

Guest post by Sinéad
(Photo by Tristan Crane.)
Photo by Tristan Crane. (Oh and PS: this is not the author.)

I'm the kind of girl who wipes her dirty hands on her trousers. The kind of girl who would rather sport chipped, shitty nail polish for a week than actually bother spending two minutes taking it off. And honestly, like, really honestly? I have — on more than one occasion — blown my nose on a dirty sock that was closer to my bed than the tissues.

I am also a girl who has devoured almost every single post on Offbeat Bride since I stumbled across the site way back in 2007. So now, years later here I am; 24 years old and all ready to marry a beautiful man next year.

“Of course!” I cried when we got engaged, “OF COURSE every single part of our wedding will represent every single part of our combined personalities and totally reflect who we are as people and be lovingly orchestrated by mine own fair hands! Duh!” Because that's the thing to do when you're a young, independent, quirky, modern Offbeat Bride marrying your equally modern, quirky Offbeat Groom.

So we started planning the sort of event that one might associate with young, offbeat couples such as ourselves. Big Informal Festival Garden Party would have been the tagline had it been featured here. But with those celebrations come responsibilities. And organizing. And the dreaded Making Sure Everything Runs Smoothly On The Day. I was getting sweaty palms and losing sleep just thinking about it.

I suddenly realized something…

The actual type of celebration we have doesn't really need to say anything about us as people. It's all in the details. The childhood pictures we plan to display (teenage sweethearts FTW!), the playlists, the Pokémon hunt, the arm wrestling contest, and the bouncy castle. All of these things are the real things people will remember about the wedding of my partner and me: two outrageous big kids. It doesn't matter if we strategically place those items in a back garden, a village hall, or some grand stately home; what matters is us having enough patience and energy to plan these personalized elements that mean so much.

I have decided that on the day of my wedding, I don't want to feel like the host at what would just be a large version of one of my house parties. The same parties where I stress over stupid shit, can't sleep the night before, never put effort in to the important stuff and always rush around without taking the time to enjoy myself. No. I want to be the gosh darn guest of honour. I want to walk in, looking fly as hell, and be handed a drink.

Solution? Package wedding. Mmmm. Even just writing it makes me feel like I've slipped into a nice hot bath. Ahhh.

Frankly, I've always secretly dreamed of unleashing my long-suppressed inner fancy bitch for the “big day,” princess style, but I'm just so damn LAZY. If the planning were all left up to me, it would be a half-baked disaster. In reality, I don't give a flying frig about making/renting/buying chair covers! But I'll be damned if I have naked chairs at my wedding. You see the contradiction here?

That is all to say, no, my wedding — as an event — will not represent me as a person. Because that person rarely brushes her hair, would rather sleep for five more minutes than shower, and can't cut paper in a straight line. That person half-asses things so often, it's a genuine surprise she actually has a whole ass.

My wedding will be suspended reality where I can be the fabulous, glamorous, high-maintenance diva that I'm utterly convinced I would be if I wasn't so busy being a disgusting, cave-dwelling troll. And I can't fucking wait.

Comments on I blow my nose on dirty socks: why my wedding won’t reflect who I am

  1. “My wedding will be suspended reality where I can be the fabulous, glamorous, high-maintenance diva that I’m utterly convinced I would be if I wasn’t so busy being a disgusting, cave-dwelling troll. And I can’t fucking wait.”

    OMG THAT IS THE BEST LINE EVER!!!!

    Seriously, I wipe my nose on socks, sometimes, too. And I wore a crown on my wedding day. Rock it girl!

  2. LOL, you are funny….but seriously with hair like that, who needs to brush it. You are low maintenance cause you don’t need it, you are preety without all the “fluff.” I am sure that your wedding will be just fab & the wonderful part about it will be that you paid someone else to “stress” for you. Hey that is what event planners are for. All the best E

  3. I love this so hard. This is a lot how I feel about my dress and hair and make-up lately. I’m not the kind of lady who wears make-up unless it’s a super important event (job interview or fancy party), or does her hair every day, or wears heals ever and I fart and burp more in a day than my FH probably does in a week. I worried about my hair/make-up/dress looking “too princessy” (whatever the hell that means) and whatever I am or am not, I decided I’m no-one’s damsel in distress (I’m the damsel in datdress – badumcha!). But then I decided, “who fucking cares?” Lots of women go for the princess look on their wedding days, specifically cause they DON’T feel or act like princesses every day.

    So yeah. Imma be a pretty pretty princess and it’ll be awesome. Rock the fuck on.

    • “Lots of women go for the princess look on their wedding days, specifically cause they DON’T feel or act like princesses every day.

      Yep. Not everybody has that inner princess (or diva), but if you do, what better day to let her shine and strut?

  4. “That person half-asses things so often, it’s a genuine surprise she actually has a whole ass.”

    Can I get an AMEN?! In the prelim planning stage I’m already all sweaty palms and anxiety, worrying about being a sell-out by having others create things that may not be exxxxxaccctly how I envisioned. Glad I’m in the same boat as someone who has successfully seen the light.
    Also, congrats and enjoy putting on your fancy pants.

    • I’m gon’ be so faaaancy. But for reals, being a sell out is way better than what would be a pathetic attempt at trying to orchestrate a huge 24+ hour, 100 person+ event when I can barely successfully orchestrate dinner, ya know? x

  5. Ugh laziness ftw!

    I had a dilemma when we got engaged cause your wedding has to reflect you yada yada yada. But you know what? I did my soul searching when I was 25 and I’m pretty boring. And I’m completely good with that. I like watching movies and wearing jeans and I also like wearing dresses. I’m not a steam punk, I like my nerdy things but I’m not a nerd girl. I am just me and my partner is my partner. And our wedding is not offbeat but it ain’t WIC either! But that’s who I am!

    • Dude. This. This is like you read my mind. Turns out, I’m actually sort of boring as well! At least on the outside… I mean in my mind it’s a crazy sparkly wonderland, but most days I’m just a girl with bike helmet hair and a pillow-marked face from where I decided to sleep instead of shower. We are great! x

  6. [applause to author]
    I found OBB too late, when my fairly traditional wedding planning (by venue and style, though we skipped many traditions) was already in full blow.

    And more than once adored and envied those really offbeat, couple-reflecting weddings featured here, regretting my own lost possibility to plan Something Special That Reflects Us (outdoors! sport bikes! kayaks! dress in tribal bellydance style!). And had to diminish some ambitious DIY projects too, even though my mother was in charge of all of them (because she is far more better than me in all crafts). But then I realized – what actually reflects me and my now husband as a wedding hosts, was willingness to throw super party where all guests would have fun and would feel like they have been taken care of (as opposed to some weddings where hosts plan dozens of activities for guests but don’t provide food for hours between ceremony and reception).

    As a result our wedding was really great, we put there just some personal DIY touches (dessert table with our favorite homemade sweets and recipe booklet), but my friends said “This was so YOU!”

    And I guess this is the key of all great weddings – take care of your guests, and they will celebrate with you wholeheartedly, no matter what are your centerpieces and shoes, and whether choice of venue really “reflects you”. (That said, I still drool over some of featured weddings here and think that I would have liked to have something similar – but, what’s done is done, and I’m really happily married :))

  7. PREACH IT! Our wedding did have some small elements that were unique to us, but mostly I just wanted to play princess for the day. When else do I pay someone to do my hair? Not cut it, just curl and pin that shit. Never, that’s when. It was awesome to have it done for me for the wedding. I cannot even tell you how much in my life gets half-assed…I’m surprised we managed to pull off a wedding at all!

  8. I could have written this exact post and I am SO HAPPY I am not the only one. I agree with each and every single line. My venue includes, caterer, cake, ceremony space, desserts, chairs, linens, table clothes….. it’s amazing. And yes, my fiance has had to specifically ask me if i’m going to shower on our wedding day.

  9. Ohhh, yes, package wedding. That’s our bag, and it’s working out great. A package wedding doesn’t mean you don’t get what you want – ours are super accomodating, and they do tons of weddings so nothing is a big deal at all. I want to have fun, enjoy the day with my new husband, and (perhaps more) importantly, stuff my face and drink lots of lovely wine. (Joking, but only a little bit.) We’re having a reading to reflect our interests, and a they’re also in our table cards and favours and a fair few other places as well, so it’s hardly sterile, total WIC, but mostly, I just want a nice day without stressing about it!

Read more comments

Comments are closed.