Scientific Romance: Is this the best science fiction wedding reading OF ALL TIME?!


How much do you love these retro sci-fi wedding invitations from Kate Barnes Studio?!

An Offbeat Bride reader first brought this poem by author Tim Pratt to our attention way back in 2011. Almost 10 years later, we stumbled upon it and it's still just so freaking perfect for those of you looking for a nerdy, science wedding reading that would feel great at a science-minded geeky wedding, or space or astronomy-themed wedding or even an atheist wedding

Scientific Romance by Tim Pratt

If starship travel from our
Earth to some far
star and back again
at velocities approaching the speed
of light made you younger than me
due to the relativistic effects
of time dilation,
I’d show up on your doorstep hoping
you’d developed a thing for older men,
and I’d ask you to show me everything you
learned to pass the time
out there in the endless void
of night.

If we were the sole survivors
of a zombie apocalypse
and you were bitten and transformed
into a walking corpse
I wouldn’t even pick up my
assault shotgun,
I’d just let you take a bite
out of me, because I’d rather be
undead forever
with you
than alive alone
without you.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back
to the days of your youth
to see how you became the someone
I love so much today, and then
I’d return to the moment we first met
just so I could see my own face
when I saw your face
for the first time,
and okay,
I’d probably travel to the time
when we were a young couple
and try to get a three-way
going. I never understood
why more time travelers don’t do
that sort of thing.

If the alien invaders come
and hover in stern judgment
over our cities, trying to decide
whether to invite us to the Galactic
Federation of Confederated
Galaxies or if instead
a little genocide is called for,
I think our love could be a powerful
argument for the continued preservation
of humanity in general, or at least,
of you and me
in particular.

If we were captives together
in an alien zoo, I’d try to make
the best of it, cultivate a streak
of xeno-exhibitionism,
waggle my eyebrows, and make jokes
about breeding in captivity.

If I became lost in

the multiverse, exploring
infinite parallel dimensions, my
only criterion for settling
down somewhere would be
whether or not I could find you:
and once I did, I’d stay there even
if it was a world ruled by giant spider-
priests, or one where killer
robots won the Civil War, or even
a world where sandwiches
were never invented, because
you’d make it the best
of all possible worlds anyway,
and plus
we could get rich
off inventing sandwiches.

If the Singularity comes
and we upload our minds into a vast
computer simulation of near-infinite
complexity and perfect resolution,
and become capable of experiencing any
fantasy, exploring worlds bound only
by our enhanced imaginations,
I’d still spend at least 10^21 processing
cycles a month just sitting
on a virtual couch with you,
watching virtual TV,
eating virtual fajitas,
holding virtual hands,
and wishing
for the real thing.

  1. We used this reading in our ceremony too! It's so perfect and the absolute best photo from the whole day is the look on our (conservative republican) parents' faces when an auto-erotic 3 way was mentioned in the ceremony reading. This was definitely a highlight and I'm glad to see it still getting love in other offbeat folks' weddings <3

  2. Nothing says "I am a white descendent of colonizers" more than having a "what if we were in a human zoo and forced to exhibit ourselves lol that'd be sexy" joke at wedding ceremony. Like I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, but given like… the legacy of colonialism, that's tonedeaf af.

    • Nothing says "I'm awkwardly wielding an incomplete grasp of sociology and philosophy" like finding an opportunity to virtue signal in the comment section of a wedding readings article.

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