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I decided long ago that I'd keep my name if I got married. But … what IS my name? I never use miss, I've often used the “Ms.” title, and I expect to keep doing so. “Mrs.” can, however, be useful.
I always assumed I'd use my full name as Mrs. MyName at those times, but during this last week I've realized that in my mind, if I use Mrs, the title is inextricably linked with the husband's name.Mrs. doesn't just signal that I'm married, it tells people the name of the person I'm married to! Mrs. MyName feels self-contradictory and weird, like I'm married to myself. Like I'm my own mistress, lol.
Maybe I just have a problem with the title “Mrs.” Do people use it when they keep their name? Are you Mrs. Stallings? (My man, when asked, said I should just use “Dr.”, but that's only because he likes reminding me that I really have finished my PhD.) Basically, I don't understand the difference between Ms and Mrs! -Suzanne
It's not just in your mind that the Mrs. title is linked to your spouse's name. Historically, the Mrs. honorific doesn't just mean “I'm a married woman” — it meant “I'm the wife of ______.”
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If you're using Mrs., technically you're not even Mrs. YourFirst TheirLast. If you're into etiquette, when you marry someone and take their name, your title becomes Mrs. Their First TheirLast or just Mrs. TheirLast. You literally lose your first name.
Let's talk about the traditional rules and supposedly proper etiquette
By the traditional rules which were in effect before the 1950s, it's incorrect to refer to yourself as Mrs. YourFirst TheirLast. It's easy to see why feminists in the 1960s and 1970s balked at using Mrs. — your name literally disappears when using traditional honorific titles! For many young women, this struck them as gross. (Hell, for many adult women this struck them as gross! Why should a woman's marital status effect both her names?)
Since Mrs. does indeed tell the world who you've married, you're right that Mrs. YourFirst YourLast suggests you've married yourself. While we love that idea, that may not be what you want to convey.
If you're keeping your own name as an unmarried woman or man, you stick with Ms. YourFirst YourLast.
The honorific of “Ms” intentionally doesn't indicate whether you're married or who you're married to. If I'd taken my husband's last name, I could have gone from Miss. Stallings to Mrs. Fetz or Ms. Fetz. Since I kept my own last name, I'm definitely Ms. Stallings … if you're nasty.
Now let's talk about modern title preferences
- The old rules were that you were miss until you got married, at which point you became missus or mizz, in formal settings.
- The new rules basically boil down to personal preference. You an use whatever prefix you like, including switching to a gender neutral title! If you want to get non-binary about your formal title, let's talk about Mx as an awesome title of respect, regardless of your pronouns.
- That said, divorced women and other femme folks typically use Ms.
How do you let your family know about your last name situation?
If you know before the wedding what you're doing with your names, you can include that information on your wedding invitations. But what about if you want to let your families know after the wedding that you're keeping your maiden name? That's got a relatively easy solution… thank you cards, which offer two opportunities to share the news:
- Your return address on the envelope should include both of your full names.
- Sign the cards with your full names — and you want to really drive the point home, draw a little arrow to your last name and note: Yep, I kept my last name!
But what if you want to change your last name after getting married?
If you're changing your last name to after getting married, we suggest going the easy route using HitchSwitch.
They make the name change process simple, guiding you through the process step-by-step. Prices start at $39, and they make way easier than dealing with all the paperwork on your own.
