As a transgender groom, I have been thinking about the weird privilege I've held as the male-presenting person in my relationship with my femme fiancee, Chelsea. I am granted so much space and almost zero responsibility, if I accept it. I am celebrated if I choose to be part of conversations about the wedding, yet no one demands details or shares their judgments or perspectives about any parts of it with me.
My femme partner, on the other hand, is the sole carrier of all things detail-related and is held responsible for all the choices — what dress she wears, what the colors are, the flowers, etc. etc.
One of the reasons for this may be our immediate families and close friends knowing that I am not great at reporting details… another, I'm quite sure, is that I identify as male.
Men, in heteronormative, cis-normative weddings, are expected to show up and wait as their lady walks down the aisle to them.
There are so many images of relationships that do not reflect who we are, steeped in the binary roles of male and female responsibilities, expectations, and places. I've found it increasingly difficult to witness the ways in which we are expected to play these out.
When I was female, those expectations were not explicitly reinforced… but since I've transitioned, those things are so much more apparent and expressed. I believe this is because people want to honor my identity and respect my maleness, yet it feels uncomfortable and untrue… because it erases the fact that those images don't actually fit our queer relationship, and they don't include my trans-ness.
We are entering this new phase of relationship intentionally and equally. We will continue to encourage each other's authenticity, honesty, and vulnerability and will hold each other in support of our truth — independently and as a pair.
How many grooms, or partners of grooms, have noticed this very issue or male privilege while planning their weddings? How are you dealing with or addressing it?
