How to walk down the aisle when you’ve got two moms

I have lesbian parents and I was wondering how I ask one mother over the other to walk me down the aisle? I am planning on asking my ‘other' mother, that is my non-birth mother, to honor the special relationship we have. But even the thought of it makes me feel like I am, 1) totally giving into lesbian parent stereotypes by asking her to fill a traditional ‘father' role, and 2) leaving my birth-mother out of the ceremony. Have any other children of gay parents struggled with this dilemma? -Carmen

My husband, who also has two moms, lucked out on not having to deal with this particular challenge — his “other mother” Susan is quite shy, and making her get up in front of a crowd during our ceremony was her worst nightmare. We had Dre's mom Nancy act as our ring-bearer (and my bouquet holder) during the ring exchange, while Susan happily watched from her spot on the lawn.

For your situation, one option would be to create a wonderful role for your biological mother in the ceremony, because you're right: asking one mother and not the other has the potential ruffle some feathers. If you find a well-suited way for her to participate in the ceremony, it'll likely be less of an issue that your other mother is involved in the traditional “dad” role. I don't know your mom, so I'm not sure what the best suggestion is here — my mother is super musical and loves an audience, so she sang our recessional song.

If you want to avoid the “lesbian dad” gender issues of having your other mother step into the typical father role, then I'd advise having them BOTH walk you down the aisle! Jewish brides are traditionally walked down the aisle by both parents, and if Andreas and I hadn't walked down the aisle together, I would have borrowed the “both parents” tradition.

Also, it would behoove you to talk to your biological mother about this — it may be that, like Dre's other mother, she doesn't WANT to be part of the ceremony and would rather have the luxury of just watching. Alternately, she may have ideas for how she wants to get involved that wouldn't cross your mind.

About the Author: Ariel

@arielmstallings

Author of three editions of the Offbeat Bride book and its sequel (From Shitshow To Afterglow, the ultimate offbeat breakup book) Ariel Meadow Stallings is the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire web properties. She lives in Seattle with her son. To read her latest writing, follow @arielist on Medium.