This post is totally hetero groom-centric. While sometimes same-sex relationships have similar imbalances, it seems like this is one of those issues that comes up more with the whole boy/girl partnership thang — clearly, offbeat hets aren't exempt from wrestling with traditional gender role issues! That said, many of these tips would work with an uninvolved partner of either gender.

Mustache Groom

1. Talk to him

It's a common misconception that the bride plans the wedding and it is the role of the groom to just show up wearing a suit. If your guy hasn't participated in the planning yet, it could be that he has no idea that he's even allowed to! So the first step is to come right out and say, “I'd like us to plan our wedding together.” If you're lucky that'll be all it takes to get him to enthusiastically climb aboard the crazy wedding planning train! If not, no worries, keep reading…

2. Support & encourage his ideas

You can't ask him to be involved and then shoot down all of his ideas. He's gonna get frustrated with that pretty quickly and then you've blown your chance to have him as your partner in planning. 

Offbeat Bride reader, Kathleen, put it well when she said, “Give him support and encouragement. When James comes to me with an idea I usually just tell him that if it is important to him and if he thinks it will make our day better, then let's go for it! Which is why I am having a graveyard/tombstone wedding cake — despite the fact that our wedding is nowhere near Halloween.”

3. Relax Your Inner Control Freak

Once you've mastered being supportive of your groom's ideas, then you gotta be willing to go along with those ideas even if they didn't fit your overall wedding concept.

Ashley & Matt12

I pulled this piece of advice from another reader, Emi, and her wedding planning update called “Advice from the partner of an uninvolved groom:”

Trevor and I have very different tastes … I don't want to relinquish control completely on any one aspect because I just plain don't trust him to choose something I will also like, or that will ‘go' with the rest of the wedding. My advice to myself, and to people like me, is that you just have to let go of the idea that everything will be perfect.

Or… keep your mind open to the fact that he might just think up something that makes it even more than perfect. That guy I married is a musician, so I asked him to be in charge of the music. And then he decided that he was going to make our first dance song a surprise! Uh… talk about giving up control!

When that moment finally arrived and we were standing up there ready to get our dance on, I heard the first chords of Pavement's “We Dance” and my heart felt like it was going to burst with elation — it was the most perfect song for us and I would have never thought of it myself. Plus Aaron gets bonus points for including the word “castration” in our wedding celebration.

4. Give him special projects that cater to his interests

Offbeat Bride has seen everything from Grooms making the wedding dress, carving the bride's wedding ring, to creating his own Star Wars cufflinks. So we know that guys can get into the spirit of offbeat wedding planning — but as was the case with all these things, the guys were either playing off their strengths or doing things that involve their own interests. So ask your partner to do the same!

Photo by Megan Finley
Photo by Megan Finley

Is your groom good with words? Ask him to write his own vows or heck, why not the entire ceremony!? Is he a graphic designer? Why doesn't he graphically design your wedding invitations?

On top of being a musician, Aaron is also a pretty good artist, so when my mother insisted on including personalized, hand-drawn maps of our wedding locations, I left that up to Mr. Artsy-Fartsy. And to my delight (and surprise) he really took the idea and ran with it, spending hours on it and going way above and beyond my expectations. And it was also something that he was super proud of when all was completed.

5. Ask him for help

One of the commenters on Ariel's original post about this topic made an interesting point:

The problem with [the groom only taking on projects he's interested in] is that it means that he gets to work on only the things he cares about, where I have to work on both the things I care about (the trampoline) and the things I could care less about (place cards).

First of all, I love that in the same sentence mentions “trampoline” AND “place cards” — that's an offbeat bride for ya. But also, yeah, right-on sister!

You're both in this together, so the bride shouldn't be the only one doing all the boring/hard stuff. Fortunately for you, one of the reasons that people get married is so that they have a partner in life to help them out when they need it! And what better time to play that card then right now!?

Offbeat Bride reader Kate gave a perfect example of what you can do in this situation:

I made him call all the prospective venues for me — admittedly in part because I hate making phone calls. Having him involved in booking the venue allowed me to learn that he really likes chair covers, and that he didn't really care about having a steak dinner (which I expected him to want)… He may not have suddenly developed an interest in table linen colors, but he expressed opinions he wouldn't have thought of if we had just been talking about venues.

6. Include something special in the wedding FOR HIM

Aaron admitted to me during the planning process that he had no interest in any of the wedding details… until I said that I had arranged for him to be brought to the wedding ceremony on a canoe. All of a sudden the ceremony changed in his mind from a boring and formalized ritual that he'd seen played out hundreds of times, to something personal and unique to our relationship. 

Other examples of great moments in groom history: The groom ziplining into the wedding, the couple that got married at a train station because of the groom's love of steam trains, and the many musician grooms that have gotten to perform at their own weddings! The groom should be just as excited about the wedding as you are.

7. Look at porn together!

The few times that I've actually seen Aaron get all excited about a wedding idea was from showing him an Offbeat Bride post. (The most recent cause of wedding-related excitement being the View-Finder wedding invitations.) Show him some things that you find exciting/funny/unique/etc., or check out all the offbeat groom posts together and see if anything resonates or inspires him. As Offbeat Bride (and my buddy) Ragani put it:

Show him the porn! Then, sit down and let him tell you what he envisions. Takes notes, and don't shoot anything down at that stage. Once you have some ideas of what he wants, see if you can figure out what are the most important to him, and why.

Also looking at wedding porn together will accomplish a few things:

  • help him see that you're thinking outside the traditional wedding box which may get him to be more interested in the planning
  • give you a better idea of what he's into
  • get the inspirational juices flowing like, you know, the other kind of porn.

8. Don't overload him with wedding crap

So get this: apparently the moment someone gets home not the best time to ask questions about the wedding. I had to learn this the hard way, and then constantly be reminded of this fact. Yikes.

It might be a freaking fantastic idea to set up a specific time to talk about wedding stuff. For example, wait until he's settled for at least an hour or two before you bombard him with questions and ideas. That way it gives him a moment to decompress without giving him more things to deal with, which might put him off wedding planning in general. Or you may have to do what we did which was to designate a day for “wedding time,” like every Wednesday at dinner time.

9. If all else fails…

You could always try to get him to dye his hair to match your color scheme.

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Comments on 9 ways to get your groom involved

  1. I've got the problem where my partner doesn't have any suggestions about what they want for the wedding, but continuously shoots my ideas down… So far, out of about fifty gazillion suggestions, we've agreed to ONE. Not a whole lot of wedding's gonna get planned this way! Discussions about it all seem to lead to arguments or to me feeling miserable and discouraged about all of my ideas getting rejected all the time. when I say, 'well what do YOU see happening at our wedding' I get shrugs… and I'm not the one who proposed!

    • I'm on exactly the same page you are! At the moment I'm confused about why he asked to get married – he seems violently opposed to the idea! Wondering about giving the ring back until he decides he really wants to be married – am I going too far? We've been engaged six weeks…

  2. I agree with getting the groom involved and having a project. My fiance' found and worked with the designer who made my engagement ring and will do our wedding bands. When we first started talking about getting engaged he wanted me to just tell him what I wanted so he could go buy it. But he ended up getting very invested in the design and it's obvious he's very proud of the way it turned out. Here's what else I have to say about the ring.

  3. Here are some ways I got my partner/groom involved.
    First of all, I didn't decide on any venues without his consent. I found the venues, he chose the ones he wanted, and I happen to like them. We said we found an agreement, but after he saw the venues, and I saw how happy he was about certain ones, I realized I loved them too.

    There were certain things I made completely his responsibility, like the invitations. He chose the invitations, designed them, found the vendor, everything. He just showed me the final product and I put my two cents in. I was "legal", he simply had to pass his ideas through "legal" but I made few changes, he did a great job and I was so over boggled with everything I didn't care bout these details and was glad he was in control over something.

    Cake tasting was the best thing to get him involved!
    One day I simply called as many bakers as possible, and set up a day where we went cake tasting.
    After he got home from work, I had goggle maps and we drove to several bakeries where I treated us to tastings.
    We had lots of fun eating cake together! He thought is was a pretty special treat. All that cake was so good, I told him he could pick out whatever flavors he wanted, as long as I was in control of how the cake was decorated. He picked two delicacies flavors that our guests loved! He let me pick the third flavor because he couldn't decide (three flavors of cake, on for each tier).

    Of course he was in control of what he and his groomsmen wore. He didn't chose my dress for me, there's not way I'm choosing his suit, though I did offer my advice when he asked for it. And if there was something I couldn't live with, I let him know. But honestly there's so much work involved in planning a wedding, these details get lost.

    It's one thing to talk about the wedding, it's another thing to take your groom to the venue, to eat the cake, to look at real paper invitations. Attitudes may change once he actually sees his options.

  4. My FI is pretty content with letting me run the show (as he likes to say, he's just paying for it!), but it's kind of a lot sometimes because our parents aren't involved and it's very much a DIY wedding. I have though, made sure to run ideas past him first (making the colors turquoise, venue ideas, etc), and in fact, he inspired the food. He said all he really wanted was steak, so I ran with it. We are doing a backyard barbecue, and FI enlisted his brother in law, who is a chef, to run the grills with a few buddies. I'm keeping the dress and decor very formal but the more I plan our backyard barbecue, the more excited I get. It's the perfect way to express "us" and since his family is really large, it's going to feel very comfortable and relaxed, and I probably wouldn't have thought of it without his help!

  5. My fiance and I have just started our wedding planning this week, and it's already lead to a lot of fighting- something we never do! He has been very involved, and came up with some really creative, fun ideas. We live in NY and really love winter sports, so we wanted to plan a fun wedding weekend in our favorite part of VT (Woodstock/Killington area). However, his ideas of venues there require us to limit the guest list by a lot more than I want (mostly because my family is a lot bigger than his and I feel more obligated to invite not-so-close relatives whereas he does not). They also involve potentially excluding children to keep things small. That really breaks my heart, especially when I think about my friends who are new moms. With "destination" weddings, it seems likely not everyone will show up…but there are lots of people I'd like to cater to because I want them to be there. I'm not sure how to get him to agree!

  6. My method for not overwhelming him with wedding questions is to write them down in a notebook. When he comes home and decompresses from work, has a shower, and after we eat, sometimes he’ll pick up the notebook and look it over. It’s worked really well so far. 🙂

  7. I’m about 2 months away from the big day and my FH has not had the most input. Since he works 60 hours a week, much of the wedding work has been left to me. So, in our early planning stages, I just tried to get an idea of what thematic elements he wanted, and if they were too weird for the ceremony (Granny can’t get her wheelchair into the wild west cemetery), I have found ways to include it elsewhere (our day-after photo shoot will have some cemetery shots). So, it’s really been all about my artistic vision of his suggested visions. I know he will be happily suprised.

    Oh. And I let the “Every groomsman must have a moustache” rule stay in effect. He’s pretty proud of that.

  8. the dude on the phone with my best friend…

    “the great thing about being a guy is weddings just plan themselves.”

    he. actually. said. this.

  9. Now, if only I could get him to call his guys and ask them to be groomsmen. Not that effing hard (two brothers and a best friend) but it’s like asking him to saw off his freaking arm. I laid down an ultimatum and told him I’d put a fatwa on him if he doesn’t by next month, but still nothing. I’ve tried involving him and including things he likes but it’s virtually impossible.

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