I've been reading a lot about body image, self-perception. I've also been thinking about how we fall prey to the societal ideas of what we SHOULD look like, as well as being attached to the perception we have of ourselves and wanting to keep our presentation consistent with that image.
Recently I've been thinking about the many levels of body perception we have to deal with.
One of the items that has been plaguing me, on the body image and self-perception point, is the size of my breasts. They were not only a literal pain in the neck, they were a source of really unwelcome attention from the age of 14 (when I hit puberty and grew three sizes in three months).
When I was 17, I had a breast reduction to remove my then-GGs. When the plastic surgeon asked me what size I wanted to be, I replied “Make them as small as you can. I'd prefer flat.” When I woke from anesthesia, I had a between A and B and was happy as can be. Over the next five years, I grew into a C and stayed there for almost 20 years. I wasn't necessarily happy with the C, but it was so much better than my original state.
Fast forward to the year 2008. I'm getting my first bra fitting. The fitter says I have a D cup. I break down in tears in the fitting room. (Embarrassing.)
Fast forward again to 2013. I'm measuring myself per Reddit's “A Bra that fits” instructions. I get 34FF. I break down into tears again.
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Most recently, some folks have been posting old pictures on Facebook, and I'm finding myself in pain over the fact that I look, as I said to my partner, “normal.” And this is not a judgement in terms of size — this is me being deeply, and vulnerably, attached to my self-perception with smaller breasts.
I am finding I don't WANT to have these things on my chest during the wedding.
I have been putting off scheduling my consultation with the corset maker. This has led to tons of second guessing myself, worrying about what types of responses I'll get from other people and family members, about my clothing choices — not only for the wedding but for other parts of life as well.
Then I realized I was focusing on how I looked over how I felt, or how I wanted to move through this event. I was thinking about wanting to be my “perfect self,” but only on the outside.
I finally let it go. I finally hit the point where I said “I am not my envelope.” Sure, I want to feel my best during the wedding, but the choices I will make for that will be focused on what is right for what's inside the envelope.
I reminded myself: That corset that I've been agonizing over… I chose to look for a corset not only because it would support me better than a bra would, and require no special undergarments, but also because the last time I danced at a wedding I hurt my hip pretty badly and was limping for weeks. A corset will help me with that by keeping me aware of my movement and maintaining my stability. These are sound, strategic choices that have nothing to do with how I look in it.
Now I'm planning on writing a mantra card and sticking it on my wall: I AM NOT MY ENVELOPE.
If you've read this far, thank you! I'm hoping this can help others who are fighting with self-perception. I'd love to hear how others are working on it.
