10 tips for how to handle me now that I’m a bride

Guest post by hathycol

I am getting married and I am, to the surprise of myself and those around me, not a wreck. Hurrah! However, there are some things I have noticed about the way people are treating me that is causing some strife. So here is my guide to handling me now that I'm a bride.

1. DO NOT ask me if I'll be wearing my glasses on the day. I wear my glasses during every waking hour. I cannot see without them. So, at what point exactly is it sensible for me to take my glasses off? In fact, that leads me to my second rule…

2. PLEASE TRY not to suggest things about my looks. I have been surprised at the sheer level of vanity/paranoia that the whole “bride” thing has set off; comments are innocently made, but combined with the knowledge that these photos are going to be around FOREVER I am paranoid. So, er, unless I am actively asking your opinion then don't opine on my looks if you wouldn't do it to me normally.

3. DO NOT tell me your horror stories. “On my wedding day, the priest got our names wrong and I fell over my own veil,” the wife of my boss cheerfully told me the other day. I nearly cried. They are funny stories, I will freely admit, just not at the moment.

4. DO tell me your horror stories about stuff that cannot possibly happen on my wedding day. A friend told me about a wedding she attended where the child of the pastor ran around unchecked for the whole thing. There is no child of the pastor at my wedding, so I can laugh and also faintly be victorious that whatever may go wrong at my wedding, this will not be it.

5. DO NOT ask me open-ended questions that can be solved with common sense. I cannot arrange how you are getting to the wedding. I am sorry. I provided instructions with the invitations. I am also unable to find you shoes, tell you when you check in to your hotel (yes, a real question!), or advise what time you should take off work.

6. DO ask me specific questions. I got a text enquiring if a guest house someone had found was a sensible distance from the town. I can answer these questions without having the sense that I'm having to organise you on top of organising myself.

7. DO NOT assume the groom is in some way invisible, or not helping with the wedding. We've split it remarkably equally.

8. DO ask me about the day. Look, I like to burble about it, and to be honest I can't help it. I enjoy talking about it!

9. DO tell me about stuff that has nothing to do with the wedding. Please, please, please tell me about the course you're doing. Tell me about your new job. Chat with me about Being Human and why Tom is ace. Discuss that new book with me. Tell me about why you're never drinking gin again after what you did last weekend. Bitch with me about your neighbours. I am still a person who isn't this mythical bride figure. I like being the centre of attention, and it's a fabulously easy (and fun!) topic to talk about, but I can be drawn along a line of just talking about it and that is a bit rubbish.

10. Finally, DO tell me when I'm being ridiculous. I tend to hysteria at the best of times, and now I'm even worse. Laugh at me, I need it.

So, tell me, what are your rules for how YOU want to be treated as a bride?

Comments on 10 tips for how to handle me now that I’m a bride

  1. One of my “rules” is that unless it risks life or limb don’t question a decision I and my FH have made.

    • I could not agree with your rule more. I wish my FMIL would follow it… about my choice of earrings (they’re gauged so I need to wear gauged earrings), our choice of late night food (nacho cheese fountain ftw!), the times our photographer has told us he has to be where for what pictures (she thinks he will wait for her if she is late getting ready, and cutting time out of MY getting-ready pictures), my surprising FH with the ceremony music… Sorry, ranting. πŸ™‚

        • lol ya eh! FMILs response “Ewwww, I think I’ll stick to chocolate fountains”. Too bad their ain’t going to be one!

          • haha no way! I just texted my fiance: Nacho cheese fountain! Nacho cheese fountain!
            That is brilliant.

      • Holy nacho cheese!!! I so want this. The FH will want it EVEN MORE. This is so full of win, I can barely handle it.

      • Wait wait wait wait wait.

        They make NACHO CHEESE FOUNTAINS?!?

        My life is forever changed.

  2. My one and only rule is no ridiculous drama. I don’t want to hear about any fighting/disagreements/issues between guests. It’s incredibly selfish and avoidable.

  3. Do not ask me what I have left to do. No matter how much I’ve already accomplished, my “to do” list seems dauntingly long and no amount of telling me not to worry about it will ease my stress. So just don’t ask!

    • I assume that “What do you have left to do that I can help with or do for you?” is an okay question, though πŸ™‚

      • Haha yea just respond with “oh are you asking to help out with something?” πŸ™‚

  4. My three rules (in addition to the ones you posted that I TOTALLY agree with):

    1. Stop telling me it is the happiest/most important/best day of my life. It is ONE of the best days, but I would like to think it is at least the same as, say, the birth of my future children, or the day I finally finish my doctoral work, or when my future spouse or myself FINALLY land a full-time job. It will be a great day, but let’s not add more pressure by insinuating that it has to be the best day of my life!

    2. Don’t think anything about my wedding has to be perfect, especially if you are involved in it in any way. I have already accepted that something will go wrong, and you will probably enjoy yourself more if you accept that, too!

    3. Do try to keep an open mind about my non-traditional wedding and have fun!

  5. Great article and I agree 100% with #2. I am 37 and I have what I think are really great grey streaks growing in my bangs. My hair dresser is obssesed with them and I think they are neat. I started greying early but it is the most gorgeous silvery grey I can’t color over it, I like it!! I can not tell you how many people have asked/suggested that I will color my hair for the wedding. Why would I do that?!

    • I don’t think it’s that early…It might just be that lots of people dye theirs

      • Agreed, I am 31, and have plenty of gray. My FH says it doesn’t make me look old, I make the gray look young, (insert ahhhh here.)

        • Gray and 32 here. I dye mine a little but I leave bug chucks of gray and it’s staying like that for the wedding. Silver is the new black!

          • Haha, I can beat you all! I started getting grey strands at 23 (I’m 25 now) from stress. And now I’m wedding planning.. I have no doubt my whole head will be grey by the end of this wedding!

          • I’m 29 and have a grey stripe -it’s spreading a little, but is still mainly a stripe. It’s been developing since I was about 24, I guess it must be a little genetic as my sister has a lot of grey and my Mum was pretty grey quite early. I like to say I’m cultivating the Caitlin Moran/Rogue/badger look. A couple of people have asked if I’ll dye it, and while I won’t for the wedding, I can’t rule out ever dying my hair. Maybe I’ll dye it to leave just the one chunk of grey! πŸ™‚

    • People keep asking me if I’m going to change my pink hair to a more natural colour for the wedding. Have they met me? πŸ˜‰ Pink pretty much IS my natural colour!

      • I have to have natural-colored hair for my stupid corporate job (which I HATE–the job AND the natural hair, YUCKO!) and I just informed my mother yesterday that I will SO being doing fun-colored hair for the wedding. Oh we’re definitely talking blue here, possibly some other colors as well. Maybe synth dreads, too! Oh hells yes.

        • I, too, have been forced to resign my old crazy-hair ways for working a job (urk.) However, I will do whatever I need to to have wild hair. I miss it terribly and want the pictures of that day to really show ME! Probably insertable extensions for the day in any colors I happen to be in the mood for! πŸ˜€

      • Hehe I love these tips.
        I have had purple hair since 1994. My 3 children don’t even know what my “natural” colour is. They assume it is purple… I can’t wait to go grey, so I can stop bleaching it. My other half is 9 years younger and has greys, no fair!
        Of course your hair will be pink! Idjits!

  6. I wish I had worn a shirt that said “Don’t expect me to be excited about EVERYTHING wedding.” I loved talking about my Cookie Monster card box or carefully coordinated table numbers, but when asked about flowers, people didn’t like my “meh, whatever” responses.

    • This sounds like me. I’m extremely excited about the star trek communicator boutineers and serving our home brewed beer, but can’t bring myself to care about flowers. People seem more shocked by the fact that I am seriously thinking I might just ditch flowers all together than about any other aspect of my wedding.

  7. Oh how wonderful… I wish I’d had this before my wedding, just to make copies and hand it to people.

  8. A rule I have specific to my sister/maid of honor: In the event I start losing sanity and pull a bridezilla, spray me in the face with a spray bottle, tap me on the nose and say “NO.” Because cat discipline works on me. And hopefully it’ll make me pause, laugh and focus on the truly important aspects of the day!

    • My MOH has started carrying a rolled newspaper when we’re together for those times that I’m losing it. Nothing pulls you back to earth faster than a smack on the head!

  9. Thank you for the glasses comment. My sisters made me all nervous about me wanting to wear my glasses (I really don’t like wearing contacts). Fortunately my FH likes me in my glasses and WANTS me to wear them and my sisters did apologize for making me worry about it.

    Other than that it’s just been some comments about how small (not inviting everyone to help keep costs down) and pretty casual we’re keeping it (again, keeping cost down). Mostly they’re benign questions. I actually tend not to talk about it too much because I don’t really want to know what everyone else thinks about it and make me second guess too much. As long as my FH and I are happy with it, people have fun and we’re married by the end of it, I call it a success πŸ™‚

    • I was surprised to find out that people *wouldn’t* have been surprised if I didn’t wear my glasses. I wear mine about half the time (I’m nearsighted so anytime I have to drive anywhere, they’re on for the duration but around the house I don’t usually bother), which means that people always see me with them on. I don’t wear contacts. And, quite frankly, I like how I look in glasses! (Also, Mr. S wears glasses — he can’t go without them, but nobody thought *he* should get contacts for the wedding!)

      • lol @ “but nobody thought “he” should get contacts for the wedding” Sooo true. Is anyone asking the men, “are you going to grow your hair out?” Or “how much weight do want to lose before the wedding?” Or “are you going to get spanx?” It makes me nutso that there is such a double standard. He’s going to be in the pictures too!

        • Tehehe ‘are you going to get spanx?’. You made me laugh my coffee onto myself. But so true.

        • There is a double standard in the normal attire too though. Nobody is going to comment on arm/back/whatever fat if you are wearing a suit, but the chances are higher if you are wearing a strapless/backless/etc dress.

        • In defense of the men, well, actually, to an extent, yes. I get your point, but it’s worth voicing the vastly-underrepresented voice…

          I’m getting the 3rd degree from various people about *my* appearance (not the bride’s) as well as constructive an not-so-constructive criticism about our various wedding choices. To date, *I* have done the majority of the planning for our wedding, so many of the questions are being directed to me. I guess my point is that I’m not so sure it’s a “double-standard” as much as the groom is so very often left out of so much of the planning (by chance or by choice) that there’s no point in talking to him about the decisions.

      • Yeah, I love my glasses, I put a lot in to picking out frames I love on me. Besides it sort of bothers me to think about drastically changing my every day look. I want to look back at my wedding pictures and know it was me there.

    • Husband and I would not look like ourselves without our glasses so despite pleas from our mothers and queries from vendors and photographers, we wore our glasses at our wedding. We wouldn’t be us without them! We want to look like us in our photos!

      I walked out of a vendor interview over this. I also walked out of a shop when I was told Husband’s opinion “didn’t matter”.

    • I wear glasses 95% of the time, as in… When I’m not in bed. I did not wear them on my wedding day, but my husband had my glasses in his tux pocket and handed them to me so I could read my vows. For some reason, this caused everyone who noticed to laugh hysterically. I think it was a good thing, because it broke up the ceremony and I was not as nervous about reading my vows and somehow managed to do so with a smile on and without breaking into hysterical happy sobbing. I do regret not wearing my glasses all day, though. I look at my wedding photos now, three years later, and I notice myself squinting in most of them. My face doesn’t look like ME because I don’t have the glasses on . On the other hand, hubby wore his glasses all day because he is blind as a bat without them. He has transitions lenses and he looks like he is wearing sun glasses for all the outdoor photos… Which was actually why I didn’t wear mine… My glasses also have the transitions lenses. A good suggestion I wish I had received is: are you going to get special fun glasses for your wedding with anti glare that are not transitions? That way we can see your beautiful eyes and you can see us too!!

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