The Onion skewers us: Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

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This is the most awesome satire of offbeat wedding trends since Portlandia's “Cool Wedding”:

Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities“We want it to be a celebration of our love,” the unbearable woman continued. “But we also want it to be fun and quirky, just like us!”

The couple told reporters the insufferably precious ceremony will include readings from Walt Whitman's Leaves Of Grass, a 10-minute silent meditation on each wedding guest's own conception of love, and a forcibly lighthearted accordion wedding march expected to last for nearly 20 minutes.

And the video — HA!

Yes, it's mean-spirited as hell, but I think we can all recognize ourselves in there and laugh at our own ridiculousness. I mean, the part about how they want to “initiate the proceedings with an a cappella rendition of the Etta James song At Last“? Ok, that was exactly what we did at my wedding. Did someone at The Onion read my book?!

If you resemble that comment, as it were, you must see just how many other Offbeat Bride-inspired wedding trends are skewered in the whole hilarious article.

Oh and PS: If you haven't already seen Portlandia's “Cool Wedding”, we're linking it again because it's SO SPOT ON. You must watch.

Comments on The Onion skewers us: Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

  1. This was SOOO funny! It’s especially funny because I’ve considered doing at least 75% of the things in the article. I am in the heat of wedding planning so it’s nice to step back and laugh at yourself and realize that you’re not the most special snowflake ever, lots of people get married and like an article on here said (forgot the name) every wedding is awesome/special/unique.

  2. As someone doing a pared-back version of a traditional wedding/reception but trying to keep it laid back and authentic, I’ve felt almost as much pressure from the “offbeat” side of things as from the WIC. I didn’t realize how good it would feel to laugh at the offbeat side. I love, love, LOVE this!!!

  3. Oh man, I loved this when it popped up on the book of faces! I actually considered how awesome it would be to have some driftwood bracelets, but alas, we’ve never been to Cambodia…

  4. The Onion makes fun of everyone and everything, so it’s all in good humor. I have to admit I liked the best man interview the best. ^^() Although score for me and my fellow geeky peeps, they didn’t mention anything about videogames, Doctor Who, Star Wars, etc. Mwahahaha! (Although the Onion is bound to have numerous bits making fun of geek culture, too.)

  5. This is why I love OBB. Rather than everyone getting their panties in a twist about someone poking fun, we laugh along with them! Yay for a good laugh after a week from hell!

  6. Funny! Though I have to admit “instead of trading wedding rings, the pair said they will wear bracelets hewn from teak driftwood the couple collected on a trip to Cambodia in 200” actually sounds pretty cool… ;D

  7. This was published at exactly the right moment for me. The other day I was contemplating whether I could incorporate a reading of the Molly Bloom soliloquoy from Ulysses into our ceremony because it is my fiance’s favorite passage of literature. Then I realized what an utterly preposterous idea that was. Thank you OBB and the Onion for making me laugh at myself.

  8. Mao Ze-Dog!!

    I laughed at the bike idea, remembering my cousin’s face when I said wouldn’t it be funny to ride away in a rickshaw. (There is one for sale at an antique store.) Instead we should use their Lincoln Navigator … o.0 … At least the Dude thought it was funny, if I’d pedal & he could ride in the back.

    • We had rickshaws as our wedding transport – it was actually a practical consideration, as one of the only ways anyone can get through the city (Oxford, UK) which has lots of cyclists and many restrictions on motor vehicles. It was great fun, especially for our nieces and nephews.

  9. So many comments are saying that it made someone realize their own offbeat idea was stupid/silly/preposterous, and I didn’t take that away from the article. I think what the Onion is satirizing is the posturing, pretension, and “conspicuous cleverness” that can often accompany such choices, not original ideas that actually make sense for the couple. (Also, instances where the couple shows marked inconsideration toward their guests.) If the groom was a professional banjo player who did a bluegrass radio show, that Appalachian band wouldn’t be problematic at all (sans the 80s music)! It’s just when people seem to cherry-pick the “quirky” tangents of their personality, or when their personality is itself highly pretentious and showy, that this behavior grates on me.

    Point being, don’t throw out something you really love at your wedding if you could actually make it work! But also don’t do it just because you feel like you either want to show off or stand out!

    • I definitely agree with you (and we’re actually planning on having a bluegrass band and square dancing!) but the Molly Bloom thing – if I had really tried to do that and I sincerely hope that someone among my friends and family loved me enough to tell me it was a terrible idea.

      On the other hand, a very VERY short passage may works its way into the programs or maybe the invitations somehow. 🙂

      • Doesn’t that chapter begin and end with the word “yes”? Seems like the only excerpt you need. I’ve always liked the “Shall I wear a red yes” part, too…

    • I had moments of this before my fiance was all “We don’t need to be weird just to be weird.” It’s been my mantra ever since. I think you’re spot on; it’s not the authenticity that The Onion is making fun of, it’s the idea that one must use all their quirky hobbies to BE authentic.

    • I dunno, there’s an amazing bluegrass band in my hometown that does 80’s covers. I’d want them to play at my wedding if i could afford them. And even better is the fact their name is Love Canon. 🙂

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