Supposed-wedding trend: “Global meats”

Posted by
Photo by Luz Adriana Villa A., remixed under Creative Commons license.

So, we were sent a 2012 wedding trend report press release, and half of it was slightly interesting and the other half was just full of WTF-ery. Most notably this little gem:

Wedding Food
In: Global meats
Out: Bacon, bacon, bacon
“Lean global meats like goat, kangaroo, antelope and horse will be big,” predicts [name redacted], whose clients include Will Smith, Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin.

Of course, after we giggled over the term “global meats,” Ariel took it to Facebook — “According to a press release we just got, ‘global meats' is the hot new wedding trend. GLOBAL MEATS!!” — hilarity ensued. Here are a few of our favorite exchanges:

Amanda: Only the jet-settingest meats will do!
Ariel: I gotcher GLOBAL MEAT right here, ladies. (Yeah, I said it)
Caroline: I think I'll stick with agoraphobic veggies.
Laura: I smell a new Pinterest board! (Seriously. You can smell it!)
Ariel: Dude you guys: eating goat flesh out of a mason jar is SO hot right now.
Sariah: We're importing only the finest antelope from the Savannah a la Lion King for our wedding!
Sarah: ‎”Now remember, Simba. When we die, our bodies become the grass. And the antelope eat the grass. Grass-fed antelope is all the rage right now in those American weddings. Thus continues the Circle of Life.”
Megan: If I get another wedding invitation with a menu selection of “chicken or steak” I'm gonna cross it out and write “global meats or GTFO!”
Stefanie: because nothing says i love you like eating animals you might find in a zoo

And, come on guys, global meats as a trend? Really?

(Be sure to check out our takes on OTHER wedding trends.)

Comments on Supposed-wedding trend: “Global meats”

  1. “global meats” just makes me think about the butcher shop montage from “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” Harriet… Harr-I-et… Hard hearted harbinger of haggis.”

  2. When I had that headline, I legitimately could not even begin to fathom what they meat by “global meats”. The explanation somehow managed to leave me more vexed.
    AM I TO UNDERSTAND THAT KELLY RIPA EATS HORSE?

    • Um, whut? It is illegal to sell or procure horsemeat for human consumption in the US – in part because we have a complex pet/livestock cultural view of horses, but primarily because THERE IS NO MANDATORY WITHDRAWAL PERIOD FROM MEDICAL TREATMENT prior to slaughter for horses in the US, like there is with other livestock. So, unlike your pig, cow, or chicken that makes it onto your plate you have no guarantee that a horse steak is not still harboring drugs that are bad for humans. (Of course, some people might rightly point out that there are plenty of legal things that legal livestock might still have in their meat that are also bad for people even with the wthdrawal period for other livestock.)

      I was also rather perplexed by this announcement, as per above. Clearly whoever the trendsetter is that was quoted above needs to do some homework before he or she sources their meat. Yikes!

  3. While I find eating the rest of those “meats” strange and totally out of my “localvore” diet, goat is actually quite good. I’ve bought it from local farmers and made curries. I also have eaten goat confit, out of a jar, from a high-end, trendy “green” restaurant.

    And to think that my “theme” is local, farmers market. I’m so “last year”.

    • I’ve never commented on this site before, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of a Farmers Market wedding! That sounds like a really fun time. I hope it’s amazing for you!

  4. This had me giggling no end! 😀

    Goat is nothing special. Nor is kangaroo or any other venison.
    Why does the writer need to “drop names” to give their wtfery gravity?

    • They want you to recognize that this is no ordinary fuckery. No, their asshat has been blessed by people with real experience in fuckery. Plus they invested all their money in frozen unicorn steaks and if they don’t move them soon, they’re going to lose their shirts.

  5. Oh please, OBB, do share the other bits of WTF-ery! If they make me laugh even half as hard as GLOBAL MEATS, I’ll be rolling on the floor.

    • LoL, I found an article talking about the wedding trends of 2012 online. Definitely good for a laugh. Apparently, it’s also in to have a bride roast video rather than a choreographed dance. Who in the world would want to be made fun of on their wedding day? It’s like, sure! I’d love for you guys to make fun of my bridezilla moments until I cry. :rolls eyes: tehe

      • A lot of people enjoy having roasts done. For couples where humor is a big part of their lives, especially if one is a comedian, something like this would hold a lot of meaning for them. I know my fiance for one would love to have a roast of the two of us done and I know how to laugh at myself. We’re also not big on dancing so this is something that would be more “us.”

        • I completely agree with this, and am surprised a “roast” is now a trend when it seems to happen pretty often at toasts no matter what! As someone who lives a life of humorous self-deprecation, I find the idea of a roast fantastic… perhaps a bride roast followed by a kangaroo roast?

      • I was at my (now ex) boyfriend’s sister’s wedding a number of years back and the best man and maid of honor roasted the bride and groom. It was awful. I was standing next to her father while it was happening and all he kept saying was “I didn’t need to know that”. It was so embarrassing. I even felt embarrassed for the couple and their family.
        For me, I have told my family that I do not want to be roasted and that there are certain subjects that are off limits. I think they will respect my wishes.

  6. Well gee, everyone knows only meats from six time zones away are worth serving to your guests. If your entree doesn’t have a new stamp on its passport, it’s not worthy.

  7. LoL! That’s as bad as when I heard on the news that deer was an expensive “treat” and “fad” in New York (while in NY on a business trip). Yeah, it’s pretty common in my area of the South (Georgia) and not “expensive”. My future hubby’s co-worker is a hunter, so they eat it at work like once a week. =P

    Could you imagine the RSVP for that though? Menu choices…. horse, kangaroo or kitteh. LoL! Whats next, organically/grain fed horses? Free range kitteh? Lulz.

  8. I’m not sure what concerns me most – that ‘global meats’ is (are?) a thing, or tba BACON IS OUT!!! How on earth can Bacon ever be out?? it is eternally delicious…

    • Well you can have bacon but it has to be, like, horse bacon. And it has to come from Argentina. On the back of a unicorn.

    • Does Canadian bacon count as global meat? (Presumably not in Canada, but elsewhere.)

      • Psst – we don’t call it Canadian bacon in Canada. That’s just in the US. 🙂

Read more comments

Comments are closed.