Funny and honest wedding vows by two writers

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 | Photography by Jacquelyn Potter
All photos by Jacquelyn Potter

Should you still write vows for your commitment ceremony? Hell yeah! If you and your partner are both writers, does that make writing your vows easier? Hell no!

My partner and I shared funny yet honest wedding vows at our commitment ceremony. There are a lot of things prefacing our ceremony that some people would find terribly unromantic including:

  • We had been long-distance for a year due to our careers.
  • My partner does not believe in committing to someone “forever”.
  • I never liked vows that made broad promises such as “I vow to be a good partner.”
  • My partner has clinical depression.

It was important that our vows were 1) Non-religious and 2) Realistic regarding what we could and couldn't commit to 3) Funny wedding vows because I wanted to make my partner laugh at the altar. I actually had a lot of help from Offbeat Bride's vows archive, too!

My partner's vows focuses on his brutally honest perspective of what “forever” means and mentions our long-distance relationship. My vows include a Stephen King quote and celebrates how my partner's actions and words affect not just me, but the people around him.

So, if you've ever wondered what funny wedding vows look like between a comedy screenwriter and a sci-fi/action screenwriter, now you have special access to our hearts on display here:

Anthony's vows to Suki:

Suki,

We’ve made it. We’re here, facing each other, under the trees, with our friends gathered ‘round. Just as we dreamed. The path here hasn’t been easy—and I’m not talking about the late nights spent worrying over the big details, or the small details, or the dollars saved and spent. We’ve come from far away and far apart to be together in this place for this purpose.

I feel that a question has loomed over our relationship even from the start. Many times I told you that I wanted to be with you “for the foreseeable future.” I said it often enough that it became a bit of a tagline. “Let’s keep seeing each other for the foreseeable future. Let’s keep hanging out, dining out, making out—for the foreseeable future.” It’s not a very romantic thing to say, and not the most reassuring thing one’s partner can hear, but those who know me understand that I rarely express complete assurance of anything. Uncertainty, I’ve found, is one of life’s rare constants, and I thought I was simply acknowledging that I could not predict all the twists and turns which might lie ahead. It seemed practical, especially with that looming question; “What happens when we graduate? What happens when we chose our own fates, and what if we don’t pick the same one?” So I continued with my tagline and you hesitatingly came to accept it as one of my quirks. But over time something began to bother me, to tug at my chest. Sometimes my mouth would say “for the foreseeable future,” but my heart would say “forever.”

Now that was troubling for me. Forever is a pretty unreasonable notion. Nothing lasts forever. Not our rings. Not our bodies. Not a plastic bottle, or the sun, or possibly the universe—although that one is up for debate. It’s scary and foolish to want someone forever, because one way or the other, there’s no such thing. It’s much safer not to be sure, much easier not to commit. The flower never wilts which is never planted. But then, it’s never a flower either.

Before I met you, I was a gardener who refused to plant. It was easy to find reasons not to. Why bother trying when you’ll probably fail? Why bother hoping when, odds are, you’ll be disappointed? The math never added up, until you entered the equation. I found myself going, because I knew you would be there. I found myself trying my hardest, because that’s who I wanted to be in your eyes. I found myself daring to do things because you believed I could do them. I found myself loving you, and all the armor I burdened upon myself to protect against uncertainty fell away.

I do not know what our future holds, but I know that it is ours. Better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health. I always found those words trite, but maybe I understand them a little better now. When we finally answered that terrible looming question, my greatest fears were fulfilled. We chose different fates. I went. You stayed. We promised each other our paths would meet again, but it wasn’t certain. We despised that uncertainty, struggled against it at times, accepted it grudgingly at others. But we endured on that promise, and now, we’ve made it. We’re here, facing each other, under the trees, with our friends gathered ‘round. Just as we dreamed. Now, I vow to be at your side every day as we strive hand-in-hand to be our best selves for ourselves, for the world, for each other—and as perilously irrational and incredible a thing it is to say—forever. 

Suki's vows to Anthony:

In Stephen King's book “The Body”, King says “The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.”

I've always joked that I fell in love with your writing first. The craftsmanship you have for words is intimidating and insurmountable. It was your words I was first smitten by in our very first screenwriting class together. Your writing was like a portal, I could tangibly feel with every line just how vividly you understood the beauty and nuance in all things ordinary, and it was apparent from just those first few pages and all the pages to come that you had a gift for distilling human emotions into meaningful, physical elements.

If important things are hard to say, you make it look so effortless. You are the only person I know whose words do anything but diminish. I have witnessed the way your words have touched and transformed the people around you. I have watched your words heal, motivate, and uplift. I have seen your words become a shield and a blanket under which people seek shelter, comfort, and strength. Your words do not diminish. They swell, burn, glow, and form something inside ones soul with weight and presence, probably a lot like how a rock is made. I have yet to find the precise words to make you feel how I feel when I am with you. That's why I'm always giving you rocks I find instead. Which is why, anyone who has been inside Anthony's room, there are a ton of random rocks lying around, he is not insane, I just haven't found the perfect words for him yet, but I did find a bunch of perfect rocks, so you win some you lose some I guess. As long as we are together, I promise to never falter on my search for these words for you, but should I not succeed, I hope you have room for more rocks on your desk. 

I loved your words before I knew what I really loved was you, but in the meantime I harbored a deep respect for you. Soon after I fell for your witty dialogue and penchant for proper screenplay formatting,

I found myself drawn to your commitment to honesty, your enthusiasm and precision that all tasks, whether it be an Ikea shelf or a low budget feature film, are done well and done correctly, and your ability to hold a meaningful conversation with literally anyone and always make them feel truly heard. But I think, most of all, that I was drawn to your super sexy beard. I wanted to be your friend, to learn from you, to know your thoughts and opinions on anything and everything. I had never met someone who exuded wisdom, compassion, and fairness so consistently to everyone he encountered. But here we are and I'm still perplexed as to how such a selfless human with a really, really nice beard had the patience to give me, a girl who steals wine glasses, the time of day, and continues to do so. When I am with you, I know I am the best possible version of myself. You are my best friend, my guiding light, and my favorite thing about this world.

So Anthony, I vow to walk beside you, to learn with you and grow with you, even as time and life change us both. I vow to have standards when it comes to pizza. I vow to love what I know of you, and to trust the parts of you that I do not yet know. When the world makes you sad and you fall into a deep hole and don't feel like coming out right away, I vow not to force you out. Instead I will build a rope ladder for you to climb out on your own time, and I will also lower down a basket of snacks everyday so you have the strength to make the climb back up to me. I vow to help nourish your creative voice. I will read all your rough drafts and encourage you to pursue the dreams that set your soul on fire. I vow to learn to play Magic the Gathering and tabletop games. I vow to experience regularly scheduled and unscheduled adventures with you whether they are across the world or across the street. I vow not to laugh too hard if the dog throws up on your butt in the middle of the night. When we fight, I vow to put a clear mind before an angry heart. I vow to uphold all your values and your goals as if they were my own. And finally, I vow to love you openly and fiercely, for as long as you will have me. I do not know where our journey may lead, but I will embrace it and welcome every moment of it. 

I believe there can be a balance in writing funny wedding vows that showcase commitment, vulnerability, and honesty. I hope this helps anyone who wants to celebrate the beauty of falling in love with the “real shit” that comes along with it too.

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Comments on Funny and honest wedding vows by two writers

  1. really touching wedding vows. It is highly advisable for bride & grooms to spend time perfecting these, after all these words should mean something to you both. Stay blessed.

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