How to talk about your wedding on Facebook without pissing people off

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RUT ROH: Don't let this happen to you!
RUT ROH: Don't let this happent to you!
So your relationship status has changed from in a relationship to engaged and now (along with gaining those horribly sexist wedding-related ads on the side bar) all of Facebook is chiming in to say “congrats” and “omg yay!” Even your second cousin, twice-removed commented that she “can't wait for the wedding!”

But the thing is… you never even planned to invite ‘ol what's-her-name, in fact, you only added her as a friend because your mom “suggested” you add each other.

Can I get a little less awkwardness in my monitor? Yeesh.

Engaged couples have been dealing with all sorts of uncomfortable moments since the dawn of big wedding celebrations. It's just that now, in the era of Facebook, it amplifies that awkward by a degree of eleventy, and then live-streams that awkwardness to all your relatives' most recent updates.

Here are some steps you can take to reduce your wedding's Facebook time and put a cap on at least some of that wedding-time awkwardness…

Stating the obvious solution: Resist the urge to discuss your wedding on Facebook at all.

Or at least, keep it to a dull roar. Clearly, bitching about your bridesmaids on a super public forum could lead to bad blood and unnecessary wedding dramaz. Similarly, talking about how amazing a party is going to be to someone who isn't invited is terribly hurtful. Sometimes it's just better to keep your virtual mouth shut.

This is actually part of why 10,000+ of you love the Offbeat Bride Tribe so much. Our private forum gives Offbeat Brides a place to vent and freakout and discuss wedding stuff endlessly… all without bogging down your Facebook feed.

Hide your wedding-related status updates from non-guests by making a list.

You may or may not know that you can easily set up different lists and then, come status update time, you can chose who can see what.

Here's how to create lists on Facebook:

  1. From your homepage, find the Friends section in the left menu and click More
  2. Click Create List
  3. Write in the list's name — “wedding guests” or “bridal party”
  4. Enter the names of friends you want to add to this list in the Members section
  5. Click Create

Then, when it comes time to excitedly share some info about your planning process, you could only make that status/photo/link visible to that particular list using that little lock icon.

publish to your facebook list

How to make your status visible to a particular list:

  1. Enter your status in the status bar (DO NOT hit enter yet).
  2. Click the button just to the left of Post.
  3. Chose the correct list in drop down menu.
  4. Now you may click Post.

Create a wedding group on Facebook.

Your other (slightly more complicated) option is creating a group for your wedding guests. Then when you want to do wedding updates, you can do so on that group page instead, and only the people in that group will see your updates.

make a secret group on facebook

How to create secret groups on Facebook:

  1. From your home page, go to the Groups section on the left side menu and click More.
  2. Click Create Group. A window will appear, where you'll be able to add a group name, add members and select the Secret privacy setting.
  3. Click Create when you're done.

The downside of this, as I've experienced myself, is that you're forcing your friends to be part of a group they may have no interest in being part of. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to remove myself from groups I never signed up for.)

Want to go a step deeper and REALLY freak out the squares?

Delete your facebook.

One of my best friends did this the moment all of her old college buddies started asking when and where. She wasn't even CLOSE to inviting those guys — they didn't even make the list of “maybes.” So my girl just said “fuck it” and deleted her entire facebook page and never looked back.

For more info on deleting your facebook, check out this group.

And I mean actually deleted her Facebook.

How to actually delete your Facebook account:

  1. Go here
  2. Click “Submit” and follow the instructions.

Because apparently, the usual way people “delete” their Facebook is more like deactivating it — all of your information doesn't actually disappear. Indeed, if you don't want to entirely delete your page, you can easily disable your profile, then come back to it and it's like you never left! [Copyeditor's note: I routinely do this at exam time!]

But let's face it: these days it's way too easy for everyone to find out where you had lunch and what you purchased on Etsy. People are going to know that you got engaged, and hell, you shouldn't have to hide that fact — it's big and exciting news! People that you aren't going to invite to your wedding ARE going to know about the impending nuptials. So, you more than likely are going to have to face a few awkward comments about how excited someone is for a wedding in which they won't be attending, much less invited. When that happens, you just gotta grin and bear it. Have a few copy-and-paste responses a la Ariel.

Comments on How to talk about your wedding on Facebook without pissing people off

  1. I think changing the relationship status and posting a couple of well-considered statements or links during your engagement is certainly okay, depending who you’re “friends” with. I have no co-workers on my FB, and a ton of people I used to be close with over 5 years ago, including men I consider friends, who might like to think there could be more between us (or there may have been at one time). I think the relationship status change is a very easy way to set the record straight, and I do feel it’s important not to omit my romantic commitment in conversations where people might be romantically interested. You may just receive sincere well wishes and a possible vendor referral! Maturity and consideration are key in all FB interactions, but don’t worry TOO much about other people’s feelings. Everyone is only responsible for their own emotions. The best I can do is be kind and not spaz out all over my Facebuddies. That said, I am grateful for Offbeat Bride as a place where we can all just be excited for each other and not worry whether we are too obsessed with The Big Day for other people’s tastes. Definitely an interesting topic here. Everyone handles FB differently.

    • I should add that I changed my relationship status from “single” long ago, as well, but that I believe many men only realllly get the hint when there is a ring on your hand, and I find the status change helpful in establishing those dynamics.

  2. I made a whole new facebook account and only added those who are invited to my wedding and made everything private so that they couldn’t share it with anybody else then I want on to my old page and deleted it mind you my new page has what will be my new last name so anybody who was important enough to know that I was in the relationship has had the opportunity to send me friend request and I have had the opportunity to accept or deny

  3. So maybe this makes me a terrible person, but when I got engaged ~16 months ago, this guy who used to like me in high school but then turned creepy messaged me and told me not to forget to invite him to my wedding…aaaaand I unfriended him on the spot.

    • I excitedly announced my wedding to my closest friends over private message on facebook when I first got engaged and one of them completely, and I mean completely freaked out on me, actually refusing to believe I was being serious because she didnt want it to happen so much (in hindsight, the fact I didnt realise she had a crush on me is amazing) and I was really upset and I didnt understand why it was happening. She has since apologised but we havent really spoken/been able to repair things since. Similar thing happened with my fiance, he announced he was engaged and his old friend from japan countered by proposing to him o.o I know its not the same as a creepy guy, but I guess im saying that much as we want engagements/weddings to be joyous for everyone, lots of the time not everyone feels the same way and it sucks like vampires. Doesnt make us terrible people though.

  4. I think it’s a bit thoughtless to complain or overshare about anything on Facebook, including wedding planning. I stayed active on FB during my engagement, but I didn’t post any details, just here and there about my excitement, as well as a few engagement photos, and some wedding photos afterwards. Is it really that common for people you’re not close friends with, or distant relatives, to assume they’re invited? Maybe I just got lucky, but I didn’t get any of that. I personally love seeing the wedding pics of my FB friends (ie-people whose weddings I’m not invited to).

  5. Need to vent…Last night a guest who received a save-the-date this week posted publicly on my and my mom’s Facebook walls wanting to clarify the date (hello–that was on the Save the Date, right?) and the place (which hasn’t been set yet, but she’d heard something from someone–Mom, probably–about one of the hotels we’re considering). Now I get to try to explain to my mom over the phone how to hide posts from your wall…. But the damage has been done–all of the 2nd cousins and 3rd cousins (hell, even some 1sts) have had a chance to see it, as have the myriad friends I would love to invite but can’t afford to…

    The thing that gets me is that it was an electronic Save the Date, so it would have actually been easier for her to just hit reply and ask me these questions than for her to go into Facebook, find my wall…write on it… find my mom’s wall… write on it… then post more, follow-up comments on those wall posts….

    Oh well. Big smiles! At least people are excited about my wedding!

  6. Because our wedding is super tiny and planning is stressful enough, we’ve expressly told everyone who is invited that they are not to facebook and they are not to talk about it outside of those who have been invited. We haven’t shared it with anything but immediate family and the few friends who are invited. We have a photo planned at the end of the night to be shared on social media as a wedding announcement because, of course, there are people we would care to share in our day if we had the space/time/budget, so sharing a sweet notice of love is the next best thing.

  7. Im pretty quiet on facebook anyway, but especially with my wedding because when it was first announced I got an invitation to a group for my own event! Made by my mother, where she’d been discussing it with people I hadnt been planning to invite…yeah. gave me a lot of anxiety actually.
    But my own friends list is only 46 people, and I don’t comment on my fiance’s posts with his friends much (just swoop in to defend him when they’re being dicks and leave with a kiss 😉 ) so I guess I keep the drama to a minimum by the sheer power of my social awkwardness. Most people wont even know till I change my name…or until a relative runs their mouth I guess

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