How to talk about your wedding on Facebook without pissing people off

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RUT ROH: Don't let this happen to you!
RUT ROH: Don't let this happent to you!
So your relationship status has changed from in a relationship to engaged and now (along with gaining those horribly sexist wedding-related ads on the side bar) all of Facebook is chiming in to say “congrats” and “omg yay!” Even your second cousin, twice-removed commented that she “can't wait for the wedding!”

But the thing is… you never even planned to invite ‘ol what's-her-name, in fact, you only added her as a friend because your mom “suggested” you add each other.

Can I get a little less awkwardness in my monitor? Yeesh.

Engaged couples have been dealing with all sorts of uncomfortable moments since the dawn of big wedding celebrations. It's just that now, in the era of Facebook, it amplifies that awkward by a degree of eleventy, and then live-streams that awkwardness to all your relatives' most recent updates.

Here are some steps you can take to reduce your wedding's Facebook time and put a cap on at least some of that wedding-time awkwardness…

Stating the obvious solution: Resist the urge to discuss your wedding on Facebook at all.

Or at least, keep it to a dull roar. Clearly, bitching about your bridesmaids on a super public forum could lead to bad blood and unnecessary wedding dramaz. Similarly, talking about how amazing a party is going to be to someone who isn't invited is terribly hurtful. Sometimes it's just better to keep your virtual mouth shut.

This is actually part of why 10,000+ of you love the Offbeat Bride Tribe so much. Our private forum gives Offbeat Brides a place to vent and freakout and discuss wedding stuff endlessly… all without bogging down your Facebook feed.

Hide your wedding-related status updates from non-guests by making a list.

You may or may not know that you can easily set up different lists and then, come status update time, you can chose who can see what.

Here's how to create lists on Facebook:

  1. From your homepage, find the Friends section in the left menu and click More
  2. Click Create List
  3. Write in the list's name — “wedding guests” or “bridal party”
  4. Enter the names of friends you want to add to this list in the Members section
  5. Click Create

Then, when it comes time to excitedly share some info about your planning process, you could only make that status/photo/link visible to that particular list using that little lock icon.

publish to your facebook list

How to make your status visible to a particular list:

  1. Enter your status in the status bar (DO NOT hit enter yet).
  2. Click the button just to the left of Post.
  3. Chose the correct list in drop down menu.
  4. Now you may click Post.

Create a wedding group on Facebook.

Your other (slightly more complicated) option is creating a group for your wedding guests. Then when you want to do wedding updates, you can do so on that group page instead, and only the people in that group will see your updates.

make a secret group on facebook

How to create secret groups on Facebook:

  1. From your home page, go to the Groups section on the left side menu and click More.
  2. Click Create Group. A window will appear, where you'll be able to add a group name, add members and select the Secret privacy setting.
  3. Click Create when you're done.

The downside of this, as I've experienced myself, is that you're forcing your friends to be part of a group they may have no interest in being part of. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to remove myself from groups I never signed up for.)

Want to go a step deeper and REALLY freak out the squares?

Delete your facebook.

One of my best friends did this the moment all of her old college buddies started asking when and where. She wasn't even CLOSE to inviting those guys — they didn't even make the list of “maybes.” So my girl just said “fuck it” and deleted her entire facebook page and never looked back.

For more info on deleting your facebook, check out this group.

And I mean actually deleted her Facebook.

How to actually delete your Facebook account:

  1. Go here
  2. Click “Submit” and follow the instructions.

Because apparently, the usual way people “delete” their Facebook is more like deactivating it — all of your information doesn't actually disappear. Indeed, if you don't want to entirely delete your page, you can easily disable your profile, then come back to it and it's like you never left! [Copyeditor's note: I routinely do this at exam time!]

But let's face it: these days it's way too easy for everyone to find out where you had lunch and what you purchased on Etsy. People are going to know that you got engaged, and hell, you shouldn't have to hide that fact — it's big and exciting news! People that you aren't going to invite to your wedding ARE going to know about the impending nuptials. So, you more than likely are going to have to face a few awkward comments about how excited someone is for a wedding in which they won't be attending, much less invited. When that happens, you just gotta grin and bear it. Have a few copy-and-paste responses a la Ariel.

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Comments on How to talk about your wedding on Facebook without pissing people off

  1. I made the mistake of updating my facebook status before my now husband had a chance to tell his brother that we were engaged. I didn’t think Facebook would publish the info until after Mr. Ivriniel had confirmed it. Ooops.

    He was not happy to be the only family member to find out via Facebook that we got engaged.

  2. Hey can you give a new tutorial with the new facebook upgrades. Pretty please?

  3. I post about my wedding occasionally, but I don’t post anything that I think is funny/entertaining. I can’t think of any examples off the top of my head, which shows how much I’ve posted. Other than that, I did a “yay six months til we’re married” post and a couple crowd-sourcing things (how we found our photographer). I don’t want to annoy anyone, and I don’t want to spoil all the surprises for the people who are going to be there.

  4. This should be painfully obvious to most people, but most people that use Facebook are gluttons for punishment.

    It has to be the worst idea ever to grace the internet. So many problems have arisen due to Facebook. People have been using it to show off, or as a form of internet bullying. They use it to show off where they’ve been, what they’ve acquired, whom they’ve married.
    It’s a real shame that it became so popular.

    Since when is it acceptable practice to post your wedding photos on Facebook. Do you realize that everyone and their pet dog Fido can see your photos? Do you even care? Do have the foggiest idea how many times security has been breached on Facebook?

  5. I have talked dozens of friends through how to do stuff like this with lists and all. It is a nice feature and helps 90% of the time.

    I’ve had a good experience with FB. People who couldn’t come liked to keep up with the wedding. I didn’t over post, not even once a week, no more than twice a month, but the support was awesome.

  6. While this may be helpful to a large majority, it’s kind of off putting for me. And by off putting, I mean irritating. If people can go on and on about how crappy their work day is or post photo after blurry instagram photo of the food their about to eat, why should I limit the amount of joy and happiness I’m experiencing due to the huge life dissision I’ve made?
    I made it clear to everyone how things were going to be and I put a cap on how many guests we’d have because it gets out of hand financially. Especially since we were planning on paying for everything ourselves (thanks to the unbelievable generosity of our parents, we were able to redirect some expenses).
    Some of the stuff, like complaining about someone in your wedding party or about someone you invited who declined (shouldn’t have invited them to being with if you didn’t really want them there)…is a common sense kind of no-no.
    So I say, keep scrolling haters cuz it ain’t gonna put a skid mark in my squeaky clean panties! ;-D

    • If people can go on and on about how crappy their work day is or post photo after blurry instagram photo of the food their about to eat, why should I limit the amount of joy and happiness I’m experiencing due to the huge life dissision I’ve made?

      I think you’re misunderstanding the motivations here. The issue is less that you shouldn’t be allowed to share your happiness because people are mean, and more that posting on Facebook can interfere with that happiness in the form of unwelcome guestlist drama, unwelcome advice, unwelcome family interference.

      This post is intended as less of a “you should silence yourself out of consideration for other people” and more of a “how you can avoid unwelcome drama.”

  7. It may be because I went full tilt diva in the beginning stages and avoided it right off the bat. I’ve relaxed a bit now that I’m near the end.
    I think it is that, I don’t understand the need to add everyone you’ve ever known to your fb (whether or not one was a friend or foe), which leads to a majority of those awkward drama situations. I don’t understand the stigma that comes along with how people “should” behave/do as far as planning and whose “automatically” invited.

  8. Although I don’t talk about the wedding constantly, I’m also not going to act as if I am not planning a wedding. Also, I’m sick of people catering to butt hurt people that cannot understand people don’t have infinite budgets, guest lists, and space to invite every single person they know. I have a good friend who I met at a friend’s wedding who I remained friends with for over 2 years on FB. She and her husband will be invited to my wedding. She is having a 20th anniversary vow renewal. I was not invited, but she is STILL on my guest list. I STILL want to hear of her plans and I want to see all pictures of her big day. What reason do I have to be butt hurt? I am inviting her to my wedding because I like her and she’s so fun to be around & talk to. Friendship should be deeper than stupid parties and whether or not you get invited to them. And people should not have to keep their wedding a secret to keep grown babies from having their feelings hurt. You don’t think people will realize they weren’t invited when they don’t see themselves in any of the pics you and your friends will post?

  9. Surely everyone should be conscious of over sharing information on fb! I had deleted my account a while ago but I opened a new one about a month after I got engaged. The purpose is to keep friends and family informed of all the achievements ticked off the list so I get less of the “how’s the wedding planning going?” and then forget to tell some little detail and hurt someone’s feelings when they hear it from someone else (like my sister telling my mum who lives in another country). The only people on my fb are people who I’m actual real life friends with. The kind of people that do care. And I generally don’t moan that much so no drama here! 🙂

  10. In the real world, people are still going to get annoyed, hurt, or upset by things you do, say, or feel for MANY different reasons. It isn’t Facebook, it’s the society we live in. Not everyone is going to like the bridesmaid dress you chose. So what. If YOU like it and want to share it, why should there be anything wrong with that? Would you never speak a word again simply because you were afraid someone would disapprove or have their feelings hurt over it? No. Such is life. If someone cannot handle what you have to say, feel, or think, then it should be their responsibility to keep quiet and rid themselves of it instead of cause the drama in the first place by bitching about how YOUR life is unintentionally offending THEM. If they can’t be happy for you, or support you, then maybe they shouldn’t be a part of your life. End of story.

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