How to talk about your wedding on Facebook without pissing people off

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RUT ROH: Don't let this happen to you!
RUT ROH: Don't let this happent to you!
So your relationship status has changed from in a relationship to engaged and now (along with gaining those horribly sexist wedding-related ads on the side bar) all of Facebook is chiming in to say “congrats” and “omg yay!” Even your second cousin, twice-removed commented that she “can't wait for the wedding!”

But the thing is… you never even planned to invite ‘ol what's-her-name, in fact, you only added her as a friend because your mom “suggested” you add each other.

Can I get a little less awkwardness in my monitor? Yeesh.

Engaged couples have been dealing with all sorts of uncomfortable moments since the dawn of big wedding celebrations. It's just that now, in the era of Facebook, it amplifies that awkward by a degree of eleventy, and then live-streams that awkwardness to all your relatives' most recent updates.

Here are some steps you can take to reduce your wedding's Facebook time and put a cap on at least some of that wedding-time awkwardness…

Stating the obvious solution: Resist the urge to discuss your wedding on Facebook at all.

Or at least, keep it to a dull roar. Clearly, bitching about your bridesmaids on a super public forum could lead to bad blood and unnecessary wedding dramaz. Similarly, talking about how amazing a party is going to be to someone who isn't invited is terribly hurtful. Sometimes it's just better to keep your virtual mouth shut.

This is actually part of why 10,000+ of you love the Offbeat Bride Tribe so much. Our private forum gives Offbeat Brides a place to vent and freakout and discuss wedding stuff endlessly… all without bogging down your Facebook feed.

Hide your wedding-related status updates from non-guests by making a list.

You may or may not know that you can easily set up different lists and then, come status update time, you can chose who can see what.

Here's how to create lists on Facebook:

  1. From your homepage, find the Friends section in the left menu and click More
  2. Click Create List
  3. Write in the list's name — “wedding guests” or “bridal party”
  4. Enter the names of friends you want to add to this list in the Members section
  5. Click Create

Then, when it comes time to excitedly share some info about your planning process, you could only make that status/photo/link visible to that particular list using that little lock icon.

publish to your facebook list

How to make your status visible to a particular list:

  1. Enter your status in the status bar (DO NOT hit enter yet).
  2. Click the button just to the left of Post.
  3. Chose the correct list in drop down menu.
  4. Now you may click Post.

Create a wedding group on Facebook.

Your other (slightly more complicated) option is creating a group for your wedding guests. Then when you want to do wedding updates, you can do so on that group page instead, and only the people in that group will see your updates.

make a secret group on facebook

How to create secret groups on Facebook:

  1. From your home page, go to the Groups section on the left side menu and click More.
  2. Click Create Group. A window will appear, where you'll be able to add a group name, add members and select the Secret privacy setting.
  3. Click Create when you're done.

The downside of this, as I've experienced myself, is that you're forcing your friends to be part of a group they may have no interest in being part of. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to remove myself from groups I never signed up for.)

Want to go a step deeper and REALLY freak out the squares?

Delete your facebook.

One of my best friends did this the moment all of her old college buddies started asking when and where. She wasn't even CLOSE to inviting those guys — they didn't even make the list of “maybes.” So my girl just said “fuck it” and deleted her entire facebook page and never looked back.

For more info on deleting your facebook, check out this group.

And I mean actually deleted her Facebook.

How to actually delete your Facebook account:

  1. Go here
  2. Click “Submit” and follow the instructions.

Because apparently, the usual way people “delete” their Facebook is more like deactivating it — all of your information doesn't actually disappear. Indeed, if you don't want to entirely delete your page, you can easily disable your profile, then come back to it and it's like you never left! [Copyeditor's note: I routinely do this at exam time!]

But let's face it: these days it's way too easy for everyone to find out where you had lunch and what you purchased on Etsy. People are going to know that you got engaged, and hell, you shouldn't have to hide that fact — it's big and exciting news! People that you aren't going to invite to your wedding ARE going to know about the impending nuptials. So, you more than likely are going to have to face a few awkward comments about how excited someone is for a wedding in which they won't be attending, much less invited. When that happens, you just gotta grin and bear it. Have a few copy-and-paste responses a la Ariel.

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Comments on How to talk about your wedding on Facebook without pissing people off

  1. I email my bridesmaids and one other friend, through Facebook, and talk about the wedding. Other than that, I changed my status and posted the wedding date right when I first had it. Aside from that, I chose not to post about the wedding. I generally don’t update my status very often anyway because I do have work contacts on there and I have no urge to be hassled about things. I also chose not to post about the wedding because I do have some people on Facebook who might expect an invitation, but who I rarely talk to. If I don’t post about it, I don’t remind them that it’s happening. Those who are invited get to see the website, but we aren’t blogging, just giving information. Only those close to me need to know any frustration I’ve been having, or my happy dance over my guestbook after the plans changed 6 times. If people want to know how the planning is going, they can ask.

  2. I actually just deleted mine for a different reason (the real way you mention up top…not just deactivation). This is just yet another reason why I’m not a fan of the site overall. I don’t need everyone I know (IRL) having info on every step I take in life. If people want to talk to me, there are more than enough other (electronic) avenues to get in touch 🙂

  3. Here’s something I’ve been pondering about weddings and the way Facebook works that I don’t mean in any condescending way but as a serious point of consideration: Why would one want/need congratulations from people who aren’t invited to the wedding? Or, if it’s a really small wedding, from people one wouldn’t/didn’t tell the engagement news to personally?

    • That seems like a funny question to me…cos its nice?
      I know I like to say congrats to people that I wouldnt be invited to their wedding. Just because I’m not super close to them doesnt mean I’m not happy that they’re happy and want them to know that.

      If I ran into an old friend in the shopping centre and we’re exchanging whats new since we’d seen each other last I’d obviously tell them I was getting married, and most people would say congratulations back. I dont really see the difference…

  4. The minute I posted a photo of my ring, I got 50+ comments. It didn’t help that I posted from my phone and instead of “Guess who’s getting effin’ hitched” my phone left out a word and said: “Guess who’s effin’ hitched” underneath the photo of my portly finger. I received many a “WHAT?! YOU’RE MARRIED?!” messages and comments. I fixed my error and posted a status reassuring people that I barely knew that I was engaged, not married. Someone who’s been on my list a few months, and I’ve never spoken to made a sarcastic comment about the status update correction. I ignored it.

    A week later, I changed my status. Someone I don’t ever talk to said “AGAIN?” and another week later I posted something about my fiance’s mom leaving me a really sweet voicemail, and he made another snarky remark. I try not to take things said on facebook personally, but I had a hard time understanding (or maybe I didn’t get the sarcasm) why this person was even concerned.
    While I don’t talk about the wedding on FB very often (it’s over a year away anyway and i’ve probably mentioned it three times since), occasionally I’ll mention something in a conversation. “You don’t like it, either delete me or hide me”.

    While I don’t plan on making it a big deal on a public forum anyway, I think snarky comments are wholly unnecessary. Especially from people who know nothing of me.

  5. Being a incredibly internet-loving person, I would really like to think I can work up to just deleting everyone I’m not inviting from my FaceBook in the coming years. High school buddy I haven’t spoken to since high school, should I REALLY feel bad about deleting you? Naw.

    Unfortunately, there are tough ones… cousins, aunts…… I hate to say it, but even my flake older sister who doesn’t even talk to me, much less has MET my FH. Those are going to be the tough ones to get rid of.

  6. Yea, we are having the Wedding and the Reception, and then an open house for everyone else the next day. I have the open house public, because I don’t care who shows up to that one-its a free for all- but that is the extent of my Facebook bridieness (besides my engaged status)

  7. I definitely support not sharing wedding information on facebook mainly because I definitely support not sharing almost everything on facebook. Maybe I’m alone on this, but I hardly update my status of what’s going on in my personal life and don’t have many posted pictures. I’ll share links or things I find interesting but, my intimate details, even sharing small, mundane things really makes me uneasy. I feel as if someone needed to know what was going on with me, they would be informed in some way other than status updates.

  8. My mom just got married and made a Facebook page about the event. Now, I love Facebook like any other 20something girl, but my gosh she got really annoying with it. Even other family members, who were happy for her, found it really excessive to post every bit of information about the wedding on Facebook. I agree with the first suggestion, just don’t talk about it.

  9. So, my boyfriend and I have been together for eight years and he finally popped the question in February. I changed my relationship status, posted a picture of my ring on my finger, announced that I was going to look at and found my dress, but that’s about it. I’m currently working on my funky little wedding site, but other wise I’m keeping my mouth shut on Facebook.

    I have a great photographer so I will be posting the wedding pictures on Facebook, probably with a “sorry I couldn’t invite you all, but here’s the pics if you want to check out our day”. I keep my “friends” list small though. I only have like 75 “friends” and a majority of them are family, whether local or out of state, and I have a few friends from high school and work. So far I haven’t had any awkward moments with people asking about coming or anything like that.

    I say save the facebook stuff until the wedding day is over.

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