Copy ‘n’ paste conflict resolution (aka How to say “fuck off” and “I love you” and “this conversation is over” all at the same time)

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Photo by madlove photography

So, you your family/friends are freaking about about your plans for a tiny simple wedding in your backyard. Or about how your sweety wants to carry a pirate sword for the ceremony. Or about how you're wearing a black dress instead of a white one.

…Whatever: you told 'em something about your wedding, and they've freaked out.

While every situation is different, I decide to write up a few copy ‘n' paste responses that y'all could use in your conversations with your family & friends. Obviously, these would need tweaking depending on your particular conflict, but hopefully the respectful but firm tone will help you hold your ground while also keeping the peace:

  • “It means so much to me that you're so interested in my wedding planning. That said, I hope you'll be able to respect that my partner and I are putting a lot of thought into having wedding reflect our unique relationship and values. I hope you can place your trust in our ability to find what we feel works best for us.”
  • “Oh my goodness — it's so flattering that you felt you could come and talk to me about your thoughts on my wedding. I love hearing all the different ideas that we get from friends and family — I think you'll be excited to see what we come up with.”
  • “I'm so sorry to hear that you're upset about my decision to [FILL IN THE BLANK] at my upcoming wedding. I hope you understand that this was a decision my partner and I took very seriously, that we made after putting a lot of thought into how we could best make our wedding a reflection of our relationship. While I wish I could change how you feel, I respect that we all have different opinions about weddings … and I hope you know that despite this disagreement, it doesn't change how much I love you! I'm so looking forward to seeing you [at our wedding/some other time/whatever].”
  • “Wow, thanks so much for sharing your ideas with me. It really makes me feel like you're as excited about this as we are! My partner and I believe really strongly in working together to shape a wedding that's a reflection of who we are, and I'll definitely be keeping your ideas in mind during our planning discussions.”
  • “Thanks so much for all your suggestions about our wedding. Although we've decided to take our plans in a slightly different direction, I just want you to know that we put a lot of thought into our decision and your input was so incredibly valuable to us. Thanks so much again … and we can't wait to have you there celebrating with us.”

We'd love to hear your most loving, most boundary-setting phrases that you've used with family members… leave a comment with your favorite ways to say “I love you so much, but absolutely not.”

Comments on Copy ‘n’ paste conflict resolution (aka How to say “fuck off” and “I love you” and “this conversation is over” all at the same time)

  1. lol I love #2. “Wow, it’s so amazing you felt comfortable enough to totally march up to me and make your own demands on MY wedding. You’ve got balls. Kudos.”

    I am so totally using that. 🙂 (The nicely worded version.)

    • Cassie- I personally like your version better! Think I might use that one… 🙂
      So far everyone has been super supportive of my ideas to have WoW analogies & Princess Bride quotes thrown in there. I just plan to keep most of it a surprise. (At least from the bossy & opinionated family & friends)

  2. I’ve also found that a simple, “Thanks for your suggestion! We’ll keep that in mind!” works well for those well-intended folks who provide unsolicited advice or ideas. Most people just want to be heard, and won’t actually remember whether you incorporated their advice when it comes time for the actual wedding.

  3. I know this is a side note, but oh my gosh, do you know where those robot cake toppers came from. they may be the cutest things i’ve ever seen!

    also, I think this is a great post b/c I think it applies to all weddings. I think the more offbeat the wedding, the more you might need to use these quotes but I think that people will (loudly) disagree with choices made in traditional weddings as well.
    I’m divorced now, but I definitely had a few “thank you for you input, but…” conversations during the planning of my (fairly traditional) wedding.

  4. What a useful post – Those are great! Usually people are only voicing their opinions because they care about you, and they don’t realize how annoying or insulting it might be. In these instances a little diplomacy goes a long way towards preventing any fights or hurt feelings. I can’t imagine anyone taking offense at those responses.

    Every wedding, even the most traditional and inoffensive, has it’s detractors. It’s like raising children – everyone believes that there is ONE right way to do it, and that is THEIR way!

  5. Shelly: As with most photos on OBB, you can click on the picture to go to the photo’s source and learn more. 🙂

  6. These are so amazing that I almost wish someone would hurry up and say something offensive about my wedding so I can use one.

    I only have 2 days left… I better call my FMIL and tell her about all the stuff I’m hiding from her!!

  7. No kidding Shelly about these being useful even for non-offbeat topics! I’ve had to use phrases like this twice on people telling to wear my hair curly instead of wavy!

  8. Yeah, I think my parents/friends would just laugh at me if I told them any of that. I think they are just so used to me being sarcastic, they would not understand how serious the situation is!

  9. Thank you! I’m writing these down and putting them next to the telephone right now 🙂

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