Bridesmaids: honored friends or henchwomen?

My bridesmaids are totally flaky and unreliable!

The only reason I even want bridesmaids is so I can have people to help me out and support me before and during the wedding.

If they aren't even going to be able to help me, should I just avoid having them at all?

-Anonyjane

Oh, bridesmaids. There seems to be a lot of drama surrounding bridesmaid selection and relations, which I suppose shouldn't be a shock to anyone who's done much thinking about the nuances of female friendships. (A short glance at research on female friendships includes titles like Female Friendship in Literature: Bonding and Betrayal and Managing Face Concerns in Criticism Integrating Nonverbal Behaviors as a Dimension of Politeness in Female Friendship Dyads.)

So yes: we can all agree that female friendships are complex beasts. When you put these friendships under the pressure of wedding planning, and then add the weight of various expectations and personal foibles … yes, you're going to run into some challenges.

That said, there are a few simple truths to address when considering whether you need bridesmaids, and how you should be relating to them. Hold my hand as we walk through this thorny garden together.

First truth: You need help with the wedding — you do not necessarily need bridesmaids

If you need help with your wedding, find people to help you with your wedding. Don't go looking for bridesmaids when you need laborers.

[related-post align=”right”]I didn't have a wedding party, but I had great conversations with my closest friends, asking them if they wanted to gift us with their assistance with the wedding. Most of them were excited to get involved, but there was no trade of status (“Bridesmaid”) for assistance (“decor help”) so there was no opportunity for bad exchanges. If a friend couldn't help, I gave them a big hug, thanked them so much for letting me know, and found someone else. There was no drama of “Well, now I want to demote them and take away their dress because they're not doing their end of the bargain…”

If you don't have friends and family who are excited or well-suited to help, look into hiring a wedding planner or day-of coordinator.

Second truth: if you do have bridesmaids, your best strategy is to select bridesmaids based on who you love and wish to publicly honor

Shift your paradigm around picking bridesmaids. It's not about getting help, rather it's about you honoring the people in your life. I realize this may contradict how some people view their wedding parties, but I'm just going to put it out there: If you choose to have bridesmaids, they should be selected on the basis of being beloved friends & family you wish to honor. The end. Full stop.

Third truth: Make ZERO assumptions about what bridesmaids will do for you, and you will never be disappointed.

Many bridesmaid issues seem to stem from a disconnect between what the bride expects and what her attendants deliver. One way to deal with this is to have long talks with your bridesmaids before you ask them to be in your wedding party. Really long talks. If you can't talk comfortably about this stuff before you get into the thick of wedding planning madness, then how the hell are you going to be able to do it later on?

I'm not saying there are specific bridesmaids requests that are unreasonable — it's totally dependent on the ‘maid and your relationship. Crafty friends will love helping with the invitations. Glamour girls will be totally into growing their hair out for matching up-dos. Friends who are finishing their PhDs while raising two children and moving cross-country are going to be willing to commit to showing up, and that's it. The moral of the story here is that ANY expectations you might have need to be addressed right up front — before anyone agrees to anything. If you don't know what you want want from your bridesmaids, then slow down and figure it out before you go asking people.

Unless you've had these very explicit conversations, don't expect that your bridesmaid will help in the ways you want. When you don't make any assumptions, you leave room to be surprised when someone helps in the way that only they can. For instance, one bridesmaid may hate crafts — but then the day of the wedding she shows up with pizza as y'all are getting your hair done, just as you were starving and about to eat your own arm.

As in all things, communication and reduced expectations are key. There's no quicker road to drama than a bunch of assumptions crossed with silence.