Blind women get married too

Updated Oct 12 2015
Guest post by Elsa Sjunneson
Photo of Elsa aka Snarkbat by Stephanie Jones Photography
Photo of Elsa aka Snarkbat by Stephanie Jones Photography

I am completely blind in my right eye. I'm super nearsighted in the left. Not allowed to drive, no depth perception, limited peripheral vision, and calcium deposits in the right eye that cause me migraines if I don't wear a scleral shell. To the left is what my eye looks like when I wear the clear shell that I have. It is my preferred way of going about things. I do have a painted shell, it makes my eye match my other one, but after twenty-five years of having mismatched eyes, matching feels weird and untrue to myself.

I carry a white cane. It helps me to warn sighted people that I can't see them, since I lack all the things I mentioned above. Furthermore, it has made my life better. I can look around and not stare at the ground. The cane has changed my life.

So what does this have to do with weddings? It has everything to do with my wedding.

Families can have a specific picture in their head of what a bride will look like; people on the street will even have images in their head. I am not that picture. It is no one's fault though, it's the fault of the Wedding Industrial Complex. The WIC likes to project the image of a bride to be one specific thing, possibly so that we all try to look like their models. Which would be why I've always envisioned myself as having an "offbeat" wedding.

I am not wearing a veil, because I know that it would prevent me from using what peripheral vision I DO have. I am not wearing a white dress, because I would not be able to see the detail on my own dress. I am walking down the aisle by myself because the idea of a bunch of people on either side of me and one person really close to me makes me very nervous.

And this doesn't really get across with some people.

Within three days of becoming engaged, I had already been told that I shouldn't wear my glasses, because they're not bridal. I was told my cane wasn't bridal. I was told my eye (featured above) was not bridal.

And I realized that if I was going to be "bridal" in their eyes, I was going to have to change who I am. I am proudly disabled. I am the blind woman who moved across the country by herself to live in New York City. I am the blind woman who has done sword fighting and parkour. I am the blind woman who loves to lindy hop on a crowded dance floor — and I will not change to meet what the Wedding Industry believes is bridal.

When I was told that I shouldn't carry my cane, my fiance's comment was this:

Him: I think you would look very pretty walking down the aisle with your cane.
Me: But it'll be a flat aisle, right?
Him: Actually, I was thinking speed bumps and broken glass!

My glasses are a part of my face. And he loves my face. So they stay, too. πŸ™‚

When a vendor commented that they weren't comfortable with a guide dog (even though I don't have one), or when another venue told me that they were impressed with my typing skills and asked if I was the "helper" for the bride, we chose not to hire these people because they were not supportive of who I am, or who we are as a couple. I am so glad that my fiance chooses to combat my frustrations with laughter, and to support the decision to never give our money to someone who doesn't get the fact that blind women get married too.

So, what did I do about the cane, you might ask? Well, a very dear friend of mine Michael Angelus Salerno made me this cane:

This is the Steampunk White Cane aka, "The Steamcane." And lord help anyone who tells me it's not "bridal." I will carry it with pride on my wedding day.

Updated to add: be sure to check out Elsa's wedding profile!

    • Ditto what Laura said πŸ™‚

      And I completely get not going with vendors because they don't get the decision to not fall in step with outside expectations.

      • Totally! You're paying the vendor, which means that they're working for you. I'm not paying someone who is working for me to do something other than what I want. I hired you, I'm the boss. Employees do what the boss asks.

  1. You rock, I love this post. My best friend is legally blind and I know at times she struggles with the same issues. But she is one of the strogest and most awesome people I know and your story reminds me of her. The best weddings are those made by the happiest of people and almost never fit into whatever image is portrayed out there of what a wedding and bride "should" be. Ignore the nay-sayers, they apparently have no idea how awesome your wedding is going to be.

  2. You are amazing! I've been wrestling with whether I'd like to do glasses or not, but they are apart of me, and they're likely to stay. I've seen so many beautiful brides on the site with glasses.

    I would love to know more about Snarkbat, but the link is only for Tribe members. I hope we get see your wedding on the site!

      • Ms. Sjunneson, you are awesome!

        I love this: "My glasses are a part of my face. And he loves my face. So they stay, too. :)"

        I'm not blind, but I have bad eyesight. I wear glasses and have done so since Grade 1. So does my man. He loves my face, and I love his. Sometimes our glasses click when we kiss or hug. I think it's a wonderful sound.

        So many people, vendors and loved ones included, have asked us "you aren't wearing your glasses in your wedding photos, are you?" It irritates me to no end. How about asking "aren't you going to dye your hair / get a tan / have cosmetic surgery so you can look pretty in your photos?". No, I'm not drastically changing my appearance for one day so I can look "bride pretty". We're just dressing up a bit. I want to look like me. I want to recognize my husband.

        My man and I are wearing glasses at our wedding, in wedding photos and probably for the rest of our lives. We both want the wedding photos to reflect who we are, not a "picture perfected" version of ourselves.

        Sure, we're wearing nicer clothes and I'll have my hair done. But to take our glasses off would be a far too drastic change. We wouldn't be "us".

        Ms. Sjunneson, I'm so glad you aren't giving into all the "photogenic bride" hype. Thank you for your integrity! It makes me feel more confident about my choice.

        • I plan on wearing my glasses at my wedding too! I've worn glasses every day of my life since I was 12. I'm 30, and not about to take them off just for one day. My glasses are my trademark, I am not taking them off to look "bride pretty". But considering I have dreadlocks and tattoos, i don't think too many people expect me to be "bride pretty" πŸ˜‰

          • YAY! Bespectacled brides FTW!

            One thing I WILL do with my glasses is to have them re-adjusted so they sit correctly on my face. This pair seems to not want to hold the adjustment on one side : (

        • I'll most likely be wearing my glasses, too. I have too much face without them. Does that make sense or do I sound crazy just now?

        • I asked my partner to at least try to wear his contacts for the wedding. He only wears them rarely because the old ones he had were dumb. He's going to test new ones to see if they're more comfortable, and if he hates them I've promised that I'm not pressing the issue. But we fought with a lot of issues regarding glare & tinting on his particular glasses with our engagement photos, and there are already a lot of issues with photos due to my disabilities and his distractibility and a somewhat tight timetable. Plus his eyes are gorgeous and pictures NEVER capture that with his glasses on. Putting him in contacts, assuming these new ones are more comfortable, is just one of the multiple ways we are managing the situation to set us up for success.

    • Yay bespectacled brides! Personally, I'm planning on finding another pair of kick ass glasses to wear that will coordinate with my ensemble a little better. But I normally rotate between a few pairs, so it doesn't feel weird to me to wear another pair. If you usually wear one pair, there's no reason to feel un-bridal for wearing them. I'm sure they look awesome on you, so why would they look any less awesome on your wedding day?

  3. You sound amazing! I wish you the best of luck on your wedding and I look forward to seeing it on here too!

    As a side note, with the comment by a vendor about a guide dog, is it even legal in the US for them to not serve someone because they have a service animal? It really seems like it wouldn't be…

      • props to you! That was totally my first reaction–so not cool! I hope you show the offbeat empire your wedding, I am sure it will be beautiful. OH! And I totally dig the steampunk cane.

      • Did he say *why* he had a problem with it? I've definitely seen some people who are so afraid of dogs they just *shut down* and curl up in a ball, or worse, try to attack the dog even if it's not acting threatening.
        …OF course, some people just hate dogs, not to mention telling you that without even inquiring if you HAVE a dog is lame. "oh you're blind? I now know everything about you, and decide you're not what *I'm* looking for" -lame.
        So if the white stick is "thwacky stick of destruction." What shall you dub that awesome wedding cane?

        • Well, even if someone is afraid of dogs the ADA is pretty strict about allowing for mobility accomodations which a guide dog IS. That being said, they said it was for health board reasons not for fear reasons, which is not cool.

          Secondly – the cane is named the Steamcane πŸ™‚

    • That's what I was thinking! I was completely shocked that a vendor would even suggest it.

      Also rock on with the lindy hop. My heart gives a little swoon for my fellow swing dancers πŸ™‚

  4. The part about the speed bumps and broken glass had me laughing my guts out. I do want to see/hear more about your wedding!

    I had never thought about it before, but clearly being blind, or even physically disabled in general, is the best litmus test for awful to work with vendors. If they can't accommodate a bride with functional requests, you clearly can't trust them with aesthetic requests.

    Also, how can your eyeball not be bridal!? It seems to me the eyeball of the bride pertains to the bride. How ridiculous.

    • That jumped out at me too! "Your eyeball isn't bridal."

      "Your ankles aren't bridal."

      "Your left ventricle isn't bridal."


  5. You rock! Your wedding should be exactly the way you want it, however that may be.

    I have a friend who's lost 90% of the vision in one eye; she's a bellydance instructor, so her solution to the issue has been to create her own line of custom eyepatches. Check her out at!

    • Oh that is awesome!

      I've got a friend who has a glass eye and she'd probably love these. She doesn't need an eye patch but she's always up for fun ideas and some of those look truly fantastic.

      • Sometimes it's nice to have an option other than the insert; I also have a friend who has a prosthetic eye, and there are times it's simply too painful for him to wear, so I do get it.

        • I wish I could wear eyepatches. Unfortunately, I NEED to wear my glasses all the time, and eyepatches and glasses don't really mix…

          • Snarkbat!
            You could wear an eyepatch and a monocle!
            now there's a bridal look for you πŸ™‚

          • Actually, Holly (of One-Eyed Jills) has the exact same issue, so she's working on making designs specifically to be worn *with* glasses, if need be.

          • They make sticker eye patches. My mom's done daycare for a young child with strong eyeglass prescriptions, and they had to give her a patch to correct her lazy eye, which she wore under her glasses. Granted, they aren't as fancy as the ones from think, but nothing a bit of rhinestones couldn't fix!

          • You can get eye patches that slip over your glasses, there is a slit on them where the wing of the glasses go through. I saw a little girl wearing a GORGEOUS pink leather one the other day :)!

  6. I made a lot of similar choices, but for aesthetic or personal reasons, rather than practical — I wore my glasses, didn't have a veil, had a dress that was as much green as white, and my husband and I walked toward each other from either side of the front of our (outdoor) venue rather than having someone walk me up an aisle to where he was waiting.
    Fortunately, most of our choices weren't questioned (or at least not much) by our family, friends or vendors, and afterward even guests who said they hated weddings said they loved ours (and they sounded surprised and honest, rather than pandering).
    So don't be afraid to make nontraditional decisions just because you want to, whether there's a practical reason or not!
    Also, *awesome* cane!

  7. That's a gorgeous cane, you're going to rock it. It's like decorating or getting an awesome wheelchair for brides who can't walk down the aisle at all…the point shouldn't be shedding who you are but gussying up who you are and what you want/need for your day. I hope you find more vendors who "get it" and that your wedding goes wonderfully.

    Also, I know some people who've gone without glasses for their big day, but my take is to wear them if they help you see it better. Better to see your wedding.

  8. I love the cane! It's going to look so awesome! And yes to glasses on your wedding day. I'm wearing mine. Amazingly only one person has said something about it, and that person just suggested a few pictures without them. But they're part of who I am, I refuse to wear contacts, and I can't see without them and/or suffer migraines if I don't wear them.

    • I have black plastic frames and feel naked without them. They will be a part of my every one of my wedding pictures because they're a part of me eveyday.

  9. Thank you so, so, *so* much for using the phrase "proudly disabled"! Your wedding is going to be awesome. You're a bride, therefore whatever you're wearing or using at your wedding will be bridal.

  10. How is being blind different from anything else? I have severe adult adhd and my husband is so rebellious that you'd think he was getting paid for it, we weren't exectly accepted by the wic either. It just goes to show that all of us 'special' chics are way more hip than the squares that subscribe to the wic's traditional way of thinking! I hope your wedding is everything you dream it'll be and i can't wait to see the amazing pics!

    PS. That cane would look aaahhhhhhmazing if paired with a funky tophat! πŸ™‚

  11. You rock! You are my favorite person of the week! πŸ™‚ I am seriously inspired by this. I'm so proud of you for sticking by who you are and not falling into the WIC trap. Your glasses are a part of your face. Why would your partner (who loves you for who you are and exactly what you look like) want you to look differently on the one major day he is pledging his eternal commitment and love to you? What a disappointment that would be. You stay true to yourself, the way that you look and the aspects that make you completely comfortable.

  12. That cane is amazing. And since you're the bride an it's your cane, then it is officially a bridal cane. Tell that to any haters, and keep being awesome!

  13. I'm not doing traditional – no bouquet toss, garter toss, wearing a costume as my dress- and get funny looks from family, friends, and even people who don't know me. I've been asked to leave forums since 'no one has such weddings' and I am 'not taking [my] vows seriously'.

    More power to you! And to your funny fiancΓ©e! This is about your love- who you both are individually and what you make together- and people are INVITED to share and celebrate your happiness. Be happy, be yourselves, and just do what feels right.

    I hope you have a day better than you imagined!

    • P.S.: Just an idea, but what about dressing up your glasses to match your cane a bit? Some gold pinstriping that you can put on a car (and remove later) would tie them together without changing the frames or who you are.

      Just a thought! (I love reasons to change my frames)

      • Believe it or not it was on the knot! I wasn't kicked out, just rudely told 'maybe this isn't the right group for you'. Offbeat bride has been a lifesaver!

  14. I love it! Your "Lord help anyone who says this cane isn't bridal" makes me a very happy girl. THAT CANE IS BEYOND AWESOME. It is the coolest thing I have seen in a long time. You are one lucky girl to have that cane, and such good friends, and such a cute, cheeky FH.

  15. oh man…you lindy hop? this is me, over here, in awe. i mean, following with your eyes closed is supposed to make you a better dancer, sure, as an exercise. but trusting your partner like that on a crowded floor? you, my friend, are awesome.

      • I feel the same way. Dancing is probably the one activity that when I am doing it I just forget all the crap that is going on in the world or in my life at the time. It may not be dancing for everyone, but it's so important to let yourself just feel care-free!

        Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so inspiring to read something from a woman who knows herself, what she wants, chooses to be true to who she is and has the courage to find the way to make it all work, come hell or high water. I needed to be reminded that I can be that woman too…

    • This entire piece was so inspirational, but especially the part about lindy hop! Fiance and I started learning west coast and east coast swing, and blues, and lindy about a year and a half ago and we suck at lindy the most! So amazing that you learned how to rely on your other senses to dance! You and your fiance sound like amazing people and I hope that you have the wedding celebration of your dreams!

  16. Can I just say that you are AWESOME!?!??!?!
    And I do hope that you carry your beautifully-awesome cane on many many days after your wedding!

    • I carried it in my MA graduation ceremony about 2 weeks ago, to all steampunk events, and will carry it for as long as it holds out.

      I am even carrying it at all the events this weekend at Burlesque Hall of Fame. Because that's how I scan. (Scanning being a term for the use of a white cane.)

      • Firstly: you are awesome! Secondly, I got my BA in women's studies two weeks ago and CONGRATS on your MA! Totally awesome, so jealous!! <3

  17. How is a white cane not bridal? It's white, it's carried by a bride, sounds pretty bridal to me. πŸ˜€

    Although any excuse for steam punk is good in my book and that cane looks fantastic. Will you be using it after the wedding too?

  18. You refer to your cane as a "thwacky stick of destruction". That right there makes you one of my favorite people ever. And boo to those who don't think your choices are "bridal"! You're the bride; therefore, what you decide to do is bridal. End of conversation.

  19. This is such an awesome post! I'm sure your wedding is going to be incredible – and I'll add my name to the list of people who hopes it gets profiled! Snarkbat, you rule πŸ™‚

  20. "My glasses are a part of my face. And he loves my face. So they stay, too."

    I wish I had read your story before I had to have my knock-down, drag-out fight with my mom about my "unbridal" glasses. To her, they were just a thing getting in the way of my otherwise pretty face. To me, they're as much a part of me as my brown hair or weird dimple–why the heck would I change those things?!

    As far as I'm concerned, changing things about yourself to the point where you can't fully enjoy or experience your wedding isn't very bridal.

    And holy sh!tbombs–that is an amazing cane!

    • Show your mom the post.

      I think sometimes families forget that glasses aren't actually cosmetic.

      And wear the glasses, I'm sure you'll be beautiful on your wedding day. <3

    • Or show your mom this link: I wore my glasses on my wedding day, because they are part of me! My husband requested I would take them of for one or two pictures (on most of them, I wear them) and we both agree now that those are absolutely the worst pictures of our wedding!
      Good luck!

    • I really don't get this attitude that brides shouldn't wear glasses, especially coming from family members.

      My brother has worn glasses since he was 6 and now I can't imagine him without them. When he does take them off he looks strange, it's almost like if he'd suddenly dyed his hair or when he cut all his dreadlocks off after having them for years.

      Just as people say they want to look like themselves I don't see why your family wouldn't want you to look like you. (And y'know…be able to see.)

      All I can think is it really is a case of the WIC and general media (because honestly I think TV, movies etc. have as much to do with this stereotypical image of a bride as anything) getting one specific image of a 'bride' so ingrained in the public conciousness that it completely overrides the image of "my friend/family member who happens to be getting married today".

    • I was thinking that a wedding would be a PERFECT excuse to go out and get a brand freaking new, super stylish, banging pair of fancy glasses (ones that are just a little bit "more" than your everyday glasses.) Or a pair of prescription steampunk goggles, or benjamin franklin style specs, or whatever trips you out!

  21. The wic always pushes white as the only bridal color, so how can a white eye be anything but? If anything, you should be considered more bridal than those of us who only hit up the dress, becauseyou've got more white engrained in the ensemble than I could ever hope to achieve, just by being you.
    It's so awesome that you have such a ROCKINGLY supportive partner!
    Rock on!

  22. Add me to the lovefest! Snarkbat, you ROCK! (And Lindy hop, too – as a fellow swing dancer, I salute you!) Go on with your bad self and know that a whole boatload of people are cheering you on (and dying for pictures!).

    • You (and everyone else) will have to wait until after April 28th 2012.

      As will I. Dammit, can't I marry him already!? There will be so much swing dancing at the wedding!

  23. Wow. I just have to say THANK YOU to everyone. The outpouring of support is AMAZING.

    But let me remind you, you too can stick to your guns as much as I am! Be steadfast to who you are!

    So much love for everyone who has already commented and who might comment later!

  24. That's so awesome! Good for you. I never understood why people get all upset about what other people are doing for their wedding. It's not about them, it's about the two people getting married. *shakes head*

    Anyways, I hope you post pictures for us after the big day. πŸ™‚

  25. This is a fabulous article! It is amazing what people feel like they have a license to say. I hope you have a wonderful day!

    PS: I love the cane too, I am a friend of Mr. Salerno's happy to see his work highlighted and planned to be such an important part of your special day:)

  26. love love love love love LOVE this post. It also makes me so excited to wear my glasses when I get married!

  27. My brother has been blind since birth and he was going to officiate my wedding1.0 (we eloped, long story).

    Though we did have a big joke that I was going to trip and knock him off the platform into the lake behind where we planned on doing the ceremony, because I'm incredibly clumsy… and he'd never see me coming. Ha, ha!

    Anyways, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the steampunk cane! It's beautiful and will only make you that much more awesome! Congrats on your glorious day! And if you guys ever have a tutorial on how to make such an awesome cane, let me know I know someone I'd like to give one to. πŸ™‚

  28. Bridal is what you wish for your wedding, not what vendors wish to sell to you.

    Wear a wonderful dress (whatever the colour) and use your wonderful cane. And, above all, enjoy your day!!

  29. Your wedding is about who you are and what you are comfortable with and what YOU and your man want. I'm glad to see you are sticking to your guns.

    And that Steampunk cane ROCKS! Totally love it and am somewhat jealous of it.

  30. Awesome! Kick ass and take names with that amazing cane, or "thwacky stick of destruction" rather. There is no reason for any bride to conform to what the WIC claims we should all look like. How can a part of you not be bridal if you are a bride? Seriously, people who said that need to think a little more logically. πŸ™‚ Loved this post.

  31. That cane is gorgeous πŸ˜€

    Some part of the wedding industry try to walk all over any one or anything that is different, good for you for dropping those vendors! If no one stand sup to them they won't learn, the more customers they lose because of their own bad attitude the more likely that are to change their ways. More fool them.

    My cousin was paralysed in a car crash and one of her wedding vendors insisted on measuring her for her wedding dress standing up (i.e. being hoisted up by three people) and refused to recheck the measurements sitting down. Of course if you have no muscle tone things like torso length can change a lot between your normal posture and being suspended in the air. Dress arrived the day before the wedding and was 8 inches too small. Same vendor also told her that "wheelchairs" aren't bridal, and that she should be carried or held up by other people for the whole wedding. After seeing all that drama unfold I'm absolutely determined to make my wedding as disability friendly as possible, so what if the bride and half the bridesmaids are rocking canes and leg braces? It's who we are.

    • "Wheelchairs Aren't Bridal"

      This goes into my list of things that make me angry.

      I would have run over their toes.

  32. Hi Snarkbat,
    I see above that your wedding is a while in the future, but when it happens, you'll do a profile right? And could it include video? Because I would love to see a Lindy Hop first dance! Heck, I love any swing dance as a first dance! If people are going to have to sit and watch the bride and groom dance, it might as well be something fun to watch, right?

  33. Props to you for living life to the fullest and being true to who you are. Second, I think it was great that you didn't use the vendors you mentioned.

    I'm not blind, but I have really poor vision without my glasses, as in, you're a blurry blob unless we're within three inches of each other.

    I didn't want a diamond engagement ring for a number of reasons, but one of them was I wouldn't be able to see the stone as well as a colored one. The same for a white dress. And I am totally in the same boat with a veil. Bad eyes plus, cerebral palsy plus veil = SPLAT.

    I think your steam cane is amazing and I hope you and your partner have an awesome day and an awesome life together.

    • I didn't want a diamond either! For the exact same reason!

      Instead I got a beautiful sapphire with diamond accents (and the diamonds are so sparkly and small enough that in the sunlight they're just rainbows of light!)

      Best of on your day, and if you ever want to talk about this stuff, let me know and we'll try to exchange email addresses. I would love to have a vision impaired bride buddy!

  34. You are so inspirational! I'm so tired of people either with disabilities or their families who say "Well, Susie is autistic (or whatever), she won't be able to do _________." I understand living within your limitations, but nobody ever got anywhere by accepting what they're told! I even read a story about a blind quilter!!!

    As for the wedding, consider this: An eye lens with the word "BRIDE" beautifully scripted across it! I don't know how hypoallergenic the paint would be, but it would certainly be different!

    Good luck and God Bless you both!

  35. Gosh, I bet you get tired of reading all these posts in which people tell you they love you…Oh well, I just voted you my new best friend and we're going to get along famously, mkay? You be you and I'll be me and our men will love us for it and the wedding world shall bow down.

    Excellent post!

  36. haha Your groom is AMAZING.

    No, seriously, you're going with the speed bumps, right? Broken glass – what's not bridal about that?!?!

  37. Great post. Favorite part:
    " another venue told me that they were impressed with my typing skills "

    LOL for days…

  38. Yes!! Yes yes yes yes yes!!

    So why all the YES'? Well..when I got married for the first time in 2004… I was much younger and very unsure of myself. Still pretty unsure but I actually was supposed to be married in 2003. Why did I delay the wedding??

    Because I felt like fat girls did not get married. Everywhere I looked I saw pretty thin (mostly white, which I am not either) getting married. Every site I went to, every everything. So I freaked…delayed my wedding but still never got thin enough and almost delayed it another year.

    So yes yes yes yes yes for being confident and telling the WIC to buzz off. YES to being yourself and comfortable and happy because you are you and you are great.

    This post is a wonderful lesson for all!

    • In my wedding planning process I had a few panic attacks because I "didn't deserve to get married" mainly because I wasn't thin enough, didn't enjoy micromanaging enough, and wasn't enthusiastically screaming "YES! PLEASE help me get rid of my last name, sense of self, and all identifying features just to me a MRS!!!!!!!" Luckily, whenever those voices creeped in I had enough people in my life (and OBB) to sing the song in my heart back to me. I think it happens more than people care to admit (then again, that's not very bridal of us to admit, is it?).

  39. I so hope that you submit photos of your wedding to this site. I would LOVE to see it–I have absolutely no doubt it will be unique and beautiful!!

  40. Even without the rest of your awesomeness, Elsa, anyone who refers to a cane as "thwacky stick of destruction" wins in my book.

  41. I luv this post! Go Elsa; you embody the perfect bride because it IS YOUR DAY and you should feel free to be uniquely you! Celebrate you, your husband and your love not the dress!

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