Offbeat Bride, Divorced

Posted by
Notice anything missing on that left hand? Photo by Glass Coat Photobooth at Atlanta Lovesick Expo 2016
Notice anything missing on that left hand? Photo by Glass Coat Photobooth at Atlanta Lovesick Expo 2016

Oh hi there, it's me. Ariel. You know, the publisher of offbeatbride.com. The author with three names who wrote that book, Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, a decade ago? The founder of a publishing business built on the back of her 2004 wedding?

Yeah, that's me. And as of June 2016, I'm divorced.

It hasn't been a secret, but it hasn't felt appropriate to talk about it here until now. Things have been a little intense, you know?

…How intense, exactly?

Well, eight weeks after my partnership of 18 years collapsed, it was my job to fly all over the country to co-produce eight Lovesick Expo wedding fairs. While the expos ended up being deeply therapeutic, there's no denying that co-producing 400-person wedding shows was still a pretty balls-out (labia-out?) emotional experience.

If you came to a Lovesick Expo this year, maybe you noticed. If you brought me a copy of the Offbeat Bride book to sign, I may have smiled a little too hard. If you asked me if my husband was performing at the expo, you may have caught me visibly wince as I politely shook my head and said, “No, not this year.”

Maybe you noticed the lack of a wedding ring, or just picked up on something being a little off, which lots people did, because I have a pretty shitty poker face despite the fancy dresses. If you looked me in the eye in the swirl of the wedding expo and asked me, “…you doin' ok?,” I probably told you I wasn't.

How could I not? If you tell me how you started reading Offbeat Bride when planning your first wedding in 2012, and how you're using it again now in 2016 to plan your second wedding, how could I not tell you that I get it? When a divorced wedding vendor tells me about how he had to work a wedding the day after his ex left him, how could I not tell him that I get it? I really, really get it. I leaked tears all over my sequins, week after week. I flew back to my empty home, week after week.

Ariel at Lovesick Expo 2016
On stage at Lovesick Expo Seattle, with one of my co-producers, Tom.

Sharing & secrets

As my emotional barfing at Lovesick Expos should make clear, my divorce certainly has not been a secret… but it just didn't feel appropriate to publish anything about it while the situation was still unfolding. Out of respect for my son and the rest of my family, it won't ever be appropriate for me to say much about the end of my marriage… but now that the divorce is legally finalized and a matter of public record, it feels disingenuous not to acknowledge.

I mean, a decade ago I wrote a tell-all book about my fucking wedding! That book launched this website. This website launched what became the Offbeat Empire LLC, the company that supported my family as it was, and continues to support my family as it is now.

My greatest personal joy in being both an author and publisher has always been the personal connection with my readers. I'm a memoirist and service writer, for godsake! I write narrative nonfiction and relate my own personal experiences to your experiences! That's my fucking jam, so it's felt deeply uncomfortable to be cagey about such a profound shift in my life. It felt secret-y, even if it wasn't.

…Then again, offbeatbride.com isn't about me, and hasn't been for a very long time. Most readers don't even know who publishes the site, and why should they? If you're looking for wedding porn, it doesn't matter who manages the web hosting and pays the editors. But still, but still… sweet readers, it's felt weird between us, and I haven't liked it. I haven't liked having that wall up. It's nice to open the curtains and get some light in this dark place.

How does my divorce affect my work on Offbeat Bride?

It doesn't, other than that I probably won't be writing much relationship advice. (Oh, the hubris of thinking I had answers to questions like, “How do you make a relationship work for 18 years?” Now I'm smart enough to just shrug.)

As that divorced vendor at Lovesick suggests, there are a lot of us in the wedding industry who've gone through divorces. This is hardly a unique experience, or some sort of pain that I alone understand. I'm not the first wedding industry person to work straight through a divorce — hell, I'm not even the first wedding blogger to go through it. My special snowflake badge is officially forever retired.

Post-divorce, you might see me writing a bit more over on Offbeat Home & Life. God knows my personal writing has been an ink-black, seemingly bottomless cenote of words about grief, loss, healing, recovery, and personal development.

Inevitably, the next question everyone always asks me is this:

Will there be another book?

Gurl, please.

Of course there will.

But maybe not the book you think. There will be no book called Offbeat Divorce. It was weird enough to become some sort of wedding expert — I was an Offbeat Bride who'd planned exactly ONE wedding. Why would I set myself up to give ill-informed advice based on having gone through exactly ONE divorce?

Also, somehow writing a book called Offbeat Bride about my 2004 wedding has meant that it's 2016 and people still ask me about my wedding… I mean, it was awesome, but I do NOT want to set myself up to still be talking about my divorce in 2028, thanks.

So, while there will be no Offbeat Divorce, there will indeed be a book about the process of recovering from that shitshow. See, I have zero interest in writing about my divorce, but I have a LOT to say about the process of healing through rocky-as-fuck transitions like going from Offbeat Wife to Offbeat Life.

UPDATE 2020:

…Well, that only took a few years!

The book that came out of this situation is called From Shitshow To Afterglow, and it hit bookstores in July 2020! You can get it at Amazon, on Audible, or buy it from your local indie bookseller.

If you want to try before you buy, you can read an excerpt over at my new website, findyourafterglow.com.

Comments on Offbeat Bride, Divorced

  1. *HUGS* You rock and I love you and your amazing Offbeat Empire just about as much as I love unicorns and zombies … and that’s a fuck ton! 🙂

  2. As an old school Tribesmaid I am sending you so much love and support!!! Divorce is hard and shitty and I hope nothing but the best for your family during this time of transition. I’ve never been through a divorce myself so I won’t lie and try to give false advice or platitudes, but I hope you know that you have a whole tribe at your back here for anything you need. <3

  3. Add another voice to the chorus offering you love and hugs from afar. Even though I’m not married yet, reading your thoughts and all the posts and being part of the Offbeat Empire community really has changed my life for the better. I’m rooting for you and looking forward to seeing what’s next!

  4. I’m so glad you shared this… not that you went through all that bullshit, just that it makes me feel better about our encounter. I thought for sure that the awkward feeling was me because anxiety told me so. Sending much love during the rocky af period! ?

  5. PLEASE please continue to write and give advice about anything you want. I need it. Your book and the offbeat bride site was holy to this little atheist in the 4 months I had to plan my wedding while a wack ton of life happened. I’m really bad with names so in my head you were the “offbeat bride lady” and I’d ask myself what you would do in certain situations, including non-Wedding. Your voice really reasonated with me.
    So thank you. Also, please be good to yourself. You deserve it.

  6. Oh my.. so hard… loads of love and strength and good breezes from the other side of the ocean. You have been, and are, a great source of inspiration for me, both in owning my shit, and in starting a business. If you ever need a break, I’m sure there are a few Austrian homies and tribesmaids to welcome you in Vienna and all around the country.

  7. Things happen we all know that marriages and relationships don’t always work out. My wife broke up with me only two and a half years after our ceremony some time it just doesn’t work. love your book and this site It’s been really helpful. As a lesbian bride (found the person I was meant to be with) planning the first of two weddings (civil partnership ceremony and wedding after marriage equality comes to Australia) we are planning our wedding how we like it not how the wedding industry thinks we should. Anyway love and healing to your family. Keep up the great work xx

  8. I had the 18 years down, but no advice on how to last 19 because I’m going through separation now.
    Shit doth happen. Good luck to you on your healing and hopefully you can maintain amicability for your young one.

  9. Ariel,
    I can’t help but feel incredibly close to you, as I was just told two days ago that my marriage is also over. I’ve been a big fan of the offbeat sites, and at times I was a participant in the different communities. Offbeat Mama was launched right when I was becoming a Mama, and the community was there when I suffered a death in the family. As hard as it might be, I do hope you write about divorce, because where I stand, I could definitely use the help and support of this wonderful community that you created.

    I’m wishing you all the best, and just so you know, I think you’re amazing. ???

Read more comments

Comments are closed.