Offbeat Bride, Divorced

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Notice anything missing on that left hand? Photo by Glass Coat Photobooth at Atlanta Lovesick Expo 2016
Notice anything missing on that left hand? Photo by Glass Coat Photobooth at Atlanta Lovesick Expo 2016

Oh hi there, it’s me. Ariel. You know, the publisher of offbeatbride.com. The author with three names who wrote that book, Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, a decade ago? The founder of a publishing business built on the back of her 2004 wedding?

Yeah, that’s me. And as of June 2016, I’m divorced.

It hasn’t been a secret, but it hasn’t felt appropriate to talk about it here until now. Things have been a little intense, you know?

…How intense, exactly?

Well, eight weeks after my partnership of 18 years collapsed, it was my job to fly all over the country to co-produce eight Lovesick Expo wedding fairs. While the expos ended up being deeply therapeutic, there’s no denying that co-producing 400-person wedding shows was still a pretty balls-out (labia-out?) emotional experience.

If you came to a Lovesick Expo this year, maybe you noticed. If you brought me a copy of the Offbeat Bride book to sign, I may have smiled a little too hard. If you asked me if my husband was performing at the expo, you may have caught me visibly wince as I politely shook my head and said, “No, not this year.”

Maybe you noticed the lack of a wedding ring, or just picked up on something being a little off, which lots people did, because I have a pretty shitty poker face despite the fancy dresses. If you looked me in the eye in the swirl of the wedding expo and asked me, “…you doin’ ok?,” I probably told you I wasn’t.

How could I not? If you tell me how you started reading Offbeat Bride when planning your first wedding in 2012, and how you’re using it again now in 2016 to plan your second wedding, how could I not tell you that I get it? When a divorced wedding vendor tells me about how he had to work a wedding the day after his ex left him, how could I not tell him that I get it? I really, really get it. I leaked tears all over my sequins, week after week. I flew back to my empty home, week after week.

Ariel at Lovesick Expo 2016
On stage at Lovesick Expo Seattle, with one of my co-producers, Tom.

Sharing & secrets

As my emotional barfing at Lovesick Expos should make clear, my divorce certainly has not been a secret… but it just didn’t feel appropriate to publish anything about it while the situation was still unfolding. Out of respect for my son and the rest of my family, it won’t ever be appropriate for me to say much about the end of my marriage… but now that the divorce is legally finalized and a matter of public record, it feels disingenuous not to acknowledge.

I mean, a decade ago I wrote a tell-all book about my fucking wedding! That book launched this website. This website launched what became the Offbeat Empire LLC, the company that supported my family as it was, and continues to support my family as it is now.

My greatest personal joy in being both an author and publisher has always been the personal connection with my readers. I’m a memoirist and service writer, for godsake! I write narrative nonfiction and relate my own personal experiences to your experiences! That’s my fucking jam, so it’s felt deeply uncomfortable to be cagey about such a profound shift in my life. It felt secret-y, even if it wasn’t.

…Then again, offbeatbride.com isn’t about me, and hasn’t been for a very long time. Most readers don’t even know who publishes the site, and why should they? If you’re looking for wedding porn, it doesn’t matter who manages the web hosting and pays the editors. But still, but still… sweet readers, it’s felt weird between us, and I haven’t liked it. I haven’t liked having that wall up. It’s nice to open the curtains and get some light in this dark place.

How does my divorce affect my work on Offbeat Bride?

It doesn’t, other than that I probably won’t be writing much relationship advice. (Oh, the hubris of thinking I had answers to questions like, “How do you make a relationship work for 18 years?” Now I’m smart enough to just shrug.)

As that divorced vendor at Lovesick suggests, there are a lot of us in the wedding industry who’ve gone through divorces. This is hardly a unique experience, or some sort of pain that I alone understand. I’m not the first wedding industry person to work straight through a divorce — hell, I’m not even the first wedding blogger to go through it. My special snowflake badge is officially forever retired.

Post-divorce, you might see me writing a bit more over on Offbeat Home & Life. God knows my personal writing has been an ink-black, seemingly bottomless cenote of words about grief, loss, healing, recovery, and personal development.

Inevitably, the next question everyone always asks me is this:

Will there be another book?

Gurl, please.

Of course there will.

But maybe not the book you think. There will be no book called Offbeat Divorce. It was weird enough to become some sort of wedding expert — I was an Offbeat Bride who’d planned exactly ONE wedding. Why would I set myself up to give ill-informed advice based on having gone through exactly ONE divorce?

Also, somehow writing a book called Offbeat Bride about my 2004 wedding has meant that it’s 2016 and people still ask me about my wedding… I mean, it was awesome, but I do NOT want to set myself up to still be talking about my divorce in 2028, thanks.

So, while there will be no Offbeat Divorce, there will indeed be a book about the process of recovering from that shitshow. See, I have zero interest in writing about my divorce, but I have a LOT to say about the process of healing through rocky-as-fuck transitions like going from Offbeat Wife to Offbeat Life.

UPDATE 2020:

…Well, that only took a few years!

The book that came out of this situation is called From Shitshow To Afterglow, and it hit bookstores in July 2020! You can get it at Amazon, on Audible, or buy it from your local indie bookseller.

If you want to try before you buy, you can read an excerpt over at my new website, findyourafterglow.com.

Comments on Offbeat Bride, Divorced

  1. I get it.

    And my heart goes out to you. Because I get it.

    My first wedding was published on Offbeat Bride in November 2011. Seven months later, I left my husband. The divorce was just finalized in November 2015 (longest process ever). During that time, I still saw images from our wedding pop up as the featured image for Offbeat Bride posts.

    I also work in the wedding industry, for a blog whose founder got divorced the same year I decided to leave my husband. There is a little pain behind it, something that can almost feel like hypocrisy from time to time. And it’s hard as fuck for a while, but then it’s not anymore.

    Your tribe is still here, and though it may look a little different, it’s still your tribe. And fuck yes, Offbeat Bride, Divorced. I’d get behind that 1000%.

  2. As someone who has also gone through a divorce, I feel you and I admire your candor. Its a shit show, and I admire your ability to be honest about it (and yet still respectful and private) on a public platform. Offbeat bride was a very welcome and supportive haven when I was planning my (second) wedding. So thank you for all that you have worked so hard to create.

  3. I was wondering if this was happening! I was loving what you were doing on Snapchat but wondered about how there was less family in it. I want you to know that I love everything that you have done for us weirdos and I can’t wait to see what you do next! Pour yourself a glass of Lemonade and drink it in. You got this.

    Xoxo

    • Yeah, folks following @offbeatbride on Snapchat have probably had more of a real window in than anyone else. My policy is to keep my kid mostly out of my business social media stuff (although he shows up in snaps some days!), but the telling lack of a spouse these past 8 months has probably been pretty obvious…

  4. I know you’ve probably heard this all before, but I feel the need to reiterate it:

    1) Your relationship was/is legitimate, just because it’s “over” doesn’t mean your advice isn’t any less inspirational or needed. It might be even more valuable.

    2) As much as we as wedding vendors (and especially OBB vendors) don’t want to admit it, a wedding and a marriage are two completely different things. You can (and have) helped plan thousands of weddings, and I doubt you want to put your fingers (ew?) in that many marriages (who the fuck would).

    3) You rock, and while this may be hard, staying in a place where you were unhappy, is harder. It’s not fair to any of you, and it’s so hard and strengthening to admit and make that decision.

    <3 <3 <3

  5. Sending love and positive vibes your way. I get it. My divorce was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. But you will get through it. You’ve been through worse and the only way to go is up. You are now a member of a club you never intended to be a part of. But I will say the most beautiful thing about it is the look other divorced people give you. I hated it at first, but to see recognition of pain and pure empathy from those that have been through it too is comforting after a while. It’s like, “you’ve been through this shitty thing too?! I hurt for you. I remember your pain. But look! It can be better!” I know that doesn’t help now. Stupid time is the only thing that helps. The first full year is the hardest. But once you rebuild your life, you might find yourself loving your new life more than you ever thought possible. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you find what will heal you quickly. Love, light, and positive vibes.

  6. Wow. As I’m contemplating ending a 11-year through divorce, this resonates big time with me. Thank you for sharing this. I’m really in for all the possible contents related to healing to crushing-hard life transitions.

  7. love you so much. bless your honesty. fuck everyone else, you are a goddamn snowflake. xoxo.

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