How to deal with pressure to lose weight for your wedding #Friends & Family Advice#body image#boundaries#conflict resolution#mother of the bride#plus size August 27 | Ariel Meadow Stallings offbeatbride I am not a skinny girl, and I have been trying to justify loving myself as I am, feeling beautiful in the body I have and trying to accept my body no matter what size. My boyfriend (who wants to propose this year) loves me the way I am, and I love him the way he is. But I have serious anxieties about my mother scrutinizing my weight all through the engagement process… "No wedding dresses are going to look attractive on you if you don't lose a good XX pounds!" "MOM!" "Well, it's true." If my mother criticizes me and doesn't stop, how do I deal with it? How do I tell her to back off without pissing her off or giving her a brush-off answer? -Sarah Hoo boy. We all know that weight loss is a hot button issue in women's publications, and it's one we normally avoid on Offbeat Bride. We avoid it not because it isn't important, but because it's incredibly pervasive and talked about everywhere — and I don't think it should be tied to wedding planning. As we say in the Code of Conduct for our Offbeat Bride Tribe members: No weight-loss/negative body image talk This is a touchy subject, and without a doubt our most controversial rule: The Tribe is not the place to talk about weight loss, or negative body image. Too many wedding communities are overtaken by unhealthy, triggering discussions, and our aim on the Tribe is to promote positive attitudes of self-acceptance. We are about celebrating all body shapes, sizes, and abilities, and encourage our members to find ways not to snark or talk negatively about their own bodies. We discourage insulting anyone's body — and includes your own! I am all for making the decision to lose weight — but strongly believe the decision should NOT have anything to do with A) wedding planning, or B) pressure from others, even family members who love you. That said, I do have two potential communication strategies for how you could handle this situation with your mother. The quick boundary Related Post 7 ways to keep "Momthulhu" from hijacking your wedding plans Before the Bridethulhu, there was the Momthulhu: wrecker of peaceful wedding planning, stirrer of pots, and thwarter of offbeat ideas. Maybe you have one? Maybe... Read more The next time the issue comes up, simply tell your mother "It means so much to me that you care so much about me. That said, I hope you can respect that I've put a lot of thought into this issue, and honor the fact that I've made a different decision than you might. Please trust my ability to make choices about my body that work best for me. I don't want to talk about this any more." If she presses the issue, make the line very clear: "Again, I really appreciate that this means so much to you, but I've told you where I stand on the issue. If you bring it up again, I'm going to have to end this conversation." If she pushes it again, try this: reach out and hold her hand in yours (if that feels right), look into her eyes and say, "I love you, and I'm done talking about this." Then get up, and walk the fuck away. Lather, rinse, and repeat as the issue comes up. I know it feels harsh (…walk away?) but really all you're doing is articulating that A) you love her, B) you hear her, C) you're clear about where you stand on the issue, and willing to draw very clear boundaries around talking about it. The longer discussion Related Post I'm a fat bride I recently posted on Facebook that I want anything emblazoned with "bride" to be changed to "fat bride." My identity as a fat woman is... Read more Ok, so maybe you want to use this as an opportunity to have a longer discussion about the issue. That's awesome, if you've got the energy for it. (I'm not sure I would, if I were in the thick of wedding planning.) Here are the conversation tools I'd use: First, recognize that your mother is coming from a place of concern — however misguided it may be. She wants you to look pretty and feel good and be healthy — all things you likely want too (even if you disagree with how to get there). Frame all conversations around recognizing this common ground. Pick a few of your favorite self-identified plus-size brides from our site to show your mother. Show her clear examples of how beautiful and happy brides of ALL sizes look on their wedding days. Talk about the feelings that come up for you when she talks about weight loss and your wedding. Does it make you feel like she doesn't support you? Does it bring up feelings of fear around her being disappointed in you? Avoid blame ("You make me feel sad!"), but articulate the emotions that come up after these conversations. Share the process you've gone through to get to the place of body positivity. Tell her about what makes you feel confident and good in your body. Give her clear ideas about how she could contribute to those feelings. Read together — print out a few posts from our body image archive, and talk over what you relate to there, and what you disagree with. I also highly recommend the Fat Bride Survival Guide, written by an Offbeat Bride we featured in 2008. Related Post Psychology Today: Fighting the Unhealthy Cultural Push for Wedding Weight Loss I've written in the past about the pressure put on so many brides to lose weight for their weddings (and how I suggest people handle... Read more I'd love to hear from brides who've dealt with this issue: how do you deal with pressure from family? I want to be very, VERY clear here: I'm not interested in hearing about whether anyone should or should not lose weight for their wedding. That's a personal decision, and not one that people on the internet have any place telling you how to make. What I want to hear from y'all about is this: if someone has made the decision NOT to lose weight, how can they constructively deal with pressure from friends, families, or vendors? Get your daily dose of Offbeat AWESOME Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Ariel Meadow Stallings Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA. PREVIOUS Joyful jumping, kilted men, and the starriest night ever NEXT Julie & Paul's farm fresh and sassy wedding Show/Hide comments [ 142 ] Size never matters- it is how you live that matters. Are you happy? Are you healthy as you can be? Do you make others happy? Then who cares about anything more?!? There are dresses and designs out there for any body type and shape, find one that looks good on you in the way that makes you FEEL great about yourself and that is all you need! My husband and I did lose weight for ours, but not because of the wedding– we both went on a health spree and have mostly maintained it– our choice and the timing happened to line up (engaged for over a year and make a New Year's goal simply to get healthy and fit). It was surprising how many calories juice was! Small changes for us and a daily walk together (also to relieve wedding planning stress) was all we changed. The week before I did get so nervous I barely ate… I have friends who did not lose any for their wedding- they fell in love with each other as is. Simple as that. In fact, I believe one of my friends's words to her mother were "I do not need to change myself for him to love me, so why change myself when we declare our love to the world?" 59 agree Reply "I do not need to change myself for him to love me, so why change myself when we declare our love to the world?" – this is so true! And something definitely worth bearing in mind. 39 agree Reply Rock on, I totally agree with you! The decision to lose or not to lose weight should really come from YOU, not from any outside forces. Do it to feel good for YOU, not to fit some unrealistic magazine aesthetic. I truly relate to this and could have written this letter word for word…literally. I was always very waifish, about a size petite 0 (as in, less than a size 0, even). Like most women, once I entered my 30s my metabolism slowed and I started gaining weight. Now I tend to fluctuate between a size 2 and size 4. According to my mother I'm now a fat ugly mess. I was unbelievably hurt when I overheard my mother and my aunt talking about me at my rehearsal dinner, saying how fat I've gotten and how much it pains my mother to look at me. Mind you, this was while I was wearing a size 2 dress! (and it was a beautiful one too, by Carmen Marc Valvo–and my husband loved the way I looked in it) Well my husband would have none of that talk. He gently but firmly told them that he thinks I'm beautiful–and that if anything, I'm thin! That shut them up really quickly. I tell this story to show how some people will just NEVER think you're thin enough, or will always have unrealistic expectations–where even a size 2 is "plus" size. There's no point in trying to always meet other people's expectations because some are just impossible to meet. Sorry I couldn't defy nature and be a size sub-0 forever! I will say that on the wedding day, I never looked or felt more beautiful. I seriously don't care if my mother and/or aunt thought I looked fat. My husband beamed as I came down the aisle and one of my friends told me later that his jaw DROPPED when he first saw me! When he took my hands into his, and I saw that look in his eyes…I no longer cared about my dress size or any other such stupid, irrelevant things. All I cared about was that I finally met my soulmate, and was about to embark on an amazing life journey with him. He has given me really good advice to not let that sort of talk affect me so much. No, none of us can change other people or what their expectations are. However, we can change how we respond to that. I have firmly made up my mind to just let that chatter go in one ear and out the other. No one else thinks I'm fat and everyone else thought I looked absolutely beautiful on the wedding day…and no, I can't believe everyone else is all wrong or crazy and my mother is the only one who's right. 🙂 We're all adults here and dealing with the pressure starts within us…and with the decision to seek internal validation, not external validation. Reply I think Ragen Chastain's wisdom on "Being Fat at the Holidays" has great advice on how to set boundaries. (Note, she uses "fat" as a value-neutral descriptor.) http://jezebel.com/5862253/how-to-deal-with-the-thanksgiving-food-police 24 agree Reply Wow, this is a really wonderful resource and SO relevant to Sarah's question! I have a way that I insist upon being treated. If you can't live up to that then you just don't get to be in my life and it doesn't matter if you're the mailman or my father. I give people clear information, and several chances, but I don't keep anybody in my life who consistently fails to treat to me with the level of respect that I require. Highly recommended reading: http://jezebel.com/5862253/how-to-deal-with-the-thanksgiving-food-police 59 agree Reply That's a great line for most issues, not just weight pressure. 23 agree Reply Seriously! I'm going to keep this in mind when I have to deal with difficult people everywhere! 2 agree Reply This IS fantastic! I have always found that remembering this excellent point helps me deal with the judgments of others: "As with so many situations where people lash out at you, remember that this is about their issues and has nothing to do with you." In any situation where anyone says anything to you about your body, it's ALWAYS about them and their issues and NOT you! 9 agree Reply It's ridiculous how true this is. Honestly, I feel like (especially in weight-obsessed situations) it could be helpful to turn the conversation around from your mom being all "you are chunking up a bit, be careful about eating that ice cream!" to "Mom, why are you so insecure about my body? Are you or were you insecure in yours? I'm sorry you feel such passion over this, I hope I can help you learn to love all body types, and especially your own body." Definitely have a friend whose mom needs to hear that. 9 agree Reply "Dances with Fat" is one of the single most encouraging sites I've ever visited–she does her homework, and her advice is *solid*. 8 agree Reply I'm not plus size, but I'm not skinny either. I was hit very hard while wedding planning to become much, much thinner. Honestly, so long as you are healthy and taking care of yourself (a good idea in general) I don't see how I matters one bit what size you are. I'm no size six but I stay active and eat a balanced diet and my doctor says I'm doing fine. Not everyone has to look like a supermodel. 24 agree Reply I was a plus size bride just last October (and featured on OBB cuz you're awesome!). My family never pressured me about my weight, but one of my best friends did. She continued to tell me I didn't look good in the dresses I was picking out and made me feel very self conscious about everything. In my case, I ended up not talking to her about my wedding anymore in order to avoid the comments. With family members, that's obviously a bit more difficult. Personally, I would just say that I feel comfortable and know I look beautiful and that's what matters. Who cares what everyone else thinks? You and your future hubby are what matter most. As long as he thinks you're gorgeous, and you're feeling awesome, that's all that matters. If you keep telling yourself that, you can get through it. 7 agree Reply 1st of all, congrads on the impending engagement. 2nd of all, and I will quote my aunt on this… "You are a strong, independent, and beautiful young woman. No matter what you do in your life, hold your head high. Some people, though well meaning, will try to bring you down. But don't you dare let them for a moment. You. Are. Beautiful." On the end note, do some independent dress research. Learn what looks good on you, and what doesn't. Thankfully, prom dresses are being marked down and homecoming dresses are coming out, so find a store, grab a few and try them on. Learn what accentuates your body best before you walk into any store. And who knows, you might find the perfect style for your body shape. Now, I'm going to hop on my bike and off my high horse. 🙂 18 agree Reply I just spend like, 20 mins trying to find your comment! (I read it before, lost it, finally found it again..) You're aunt is a freakin superstar!! This is the best quote ever and I'm going to steal it, memorize it, and bloody well use it 🙂 2 agree Reply I'm getting married in 2 months and have faced what Sarah is going through. My mother was the one to plant the seed, and then my head took over and I considered crash dieting. However, the more involved I got with wedding planning, the less I concerned myself with what people think about me. I KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT ME, and that's what matters. My mother is still very involved in my wedding, but she has also taken a back seat without much interference from me. I think our turning point was when she saw me eating a slice of chocolate cake at a family gathering. She asked, "I thought you were trying to 'cut back' on things like that?" I retorted, "…Don't remember saying that. My dress fits just fine, and this is my treat for today!" Nom omnom… I'm guessing she realized since I wasn't stressing over my weight, she shouldn't, either. I also don't think any bride should have to put up with criticism from vendors. Weddings are a HUGE business, so there are a lot of options for us plus-sized brides (yay!). In saying that, always always always choose a bridal shop that carries sample dresses in plus sizes; if they carry 2's and 10's only, what fair shot do you have of trying on a gown that looks and FEELS right on you? When a consultant tried to squeeze me in to a size 14 dress, I laughed and told her to find me something similar in my size, 24. (I was nice about it, of course!) Don't be afraid to ask. People are there to make money and cater to YOU– you are the bride, of course! What matters most is knowing who you are and why your hubby-to-be is in love with you. Maybe it's your brains and your butt… but whatever it may be, he put a ring on your finger and made the biggest decision of his life to be with you until his dying day. (*swoon*) Thinking of your wedding in a bigger picture like that makes every other worry seem so very small… 22 agree Reply The biggest place where I faced "misguided concern" about my weight was in dress shopping – both from loved ones and vendors. (That oh so subtle "what diet are you going on?" "um none")I ended up just having to be choosey about who could come dress shopping with me, which ended up being just me and my husband. In fact I ended up only going to two wedding dress shops, just to see what silhouettes I liked. Then I hired a seamstress to make my dress. It was less expensive, exactly what I wanted, and I didn't have to deal with other people taking issue with my size. You're a beautiful woman! Your partner loves you and at the end of the day that's what you're celebrating. (Congrats on the upcoming engagement!) 10 agree Reply My mom's the type who occasionally made what she thought were "helpful" comments about my body size in a pleasant yet intrusive way ("That skirt looks a little tight on you!" "That dress makes you look hippy."). You know. The well-meaning nagger. She recently asked me (post-wedding) why I didn't try doing more exercises to reduce the size of my hips and thighs (a quite curvy part of my body that I inherited, interestingly, directly from her). I looked at her and calmly but firmly said something along the lines of: "I am well aware of what my body looks like. I need you to not talk to me about this anymore. I don't talk to you about your body. My body is not any of your business, only mine, so please don't bring it up again." She looked a little surprised, but she hasn't actually said anything about my body again since then. I think realizing that my body is only my business, not hers, sank in. I really do believe that reminding people that your body is private property that is not up for public speculation can really help. It can seem SO obvious, but apparently people need a reminder that other people's bodies are not public property! If it's a loved one, you may need to have several conversations along these lines so that things can really sink in. But if it's a vendor, chances are you'll never have to see him/her again after the wedding, so remember that you won't have to deal with them for very long. And if a vendor is REALLY being a jerk who won't understand where you're coming from, you can always choose to take your business elsewhere and let them know exactly why you are doing so: "Your judgmental comments/attitudes about a person's body size are unacceptable to me, so I'm leaving." It always helps to remember that you're marrying or partnered with someone who KNOWS you're hot as hell regardless of your size! In conclusion, there is a dress/garment for EVERY body shape and size and you will look and feel gorgeous when you find that special garment. Conventional wisdom said I shouldn't wear a fitted trumpet dress because of my body shape and my weight. Guess what? I wore a fitted trumpet dress (in purple!) and looked absolutely bangin'. Breaking the rules rocks. 45 agree Reply "I am well aware of what my body looks like. I need you to not talk to me about this anymore. I don't talk to you about your body. My body is not any of your business, only mine, so please don't bring it up again." This is most excellent. I like Ariel's suggested response as well and it all goes to personality type. I am quite comfortable being firm and direct, so a shortened version of what you said would be my response. Probably, "I'm well aware of what my body looks like and plan on dressing it the way it is." Then silence. Let mom decide where the conversation is going. I think those sort of direct and short answers take people by surprise and force them to really think about the words that just came out of their mouth. I find this very effective, much more than changing the subject. 6 agree Reply This sounds like great boundary setting! 1 agrees Reply Your comment struck me as very interesting. I think for mothers it is all the more difficult not to worry about our physical appearance because for so long that was part of their job as our mother. It truly was their responsibility to make sure we ate well and dressed well, and it reflected on them if we didn't. Our weddings are big occasions and most likely bring that feeling back. Not that I am excusing such behavior but I think it helps put it into their perspective. That most of what they are saying is well meaning and they truly want us to look and feel our best. They just might have different ideas of what that best is. 14 agree Reply thank you for what you shared. i'm in a position (expecting my first little in a few months) where my body has become public property in a way no blog or advice column could prepare me for. thank you for sharing your words as i think they are appropriate for SO many settings. 1 agrees Reply I could have written your first few paragraphs word for word, thighs and all! I happen not to be skinny, and I have the usual occasional self-esteem issues about it, but I'm in the "normal" BMI range and try hard to maintain a positive self-image. My mother is a well-meaning person who has a few times in my life flipped out in an extremely un-constructive way about any perceived weight gain of mine. A few days after my engagement my mom and I went on a cross-country road trip to move me into a new city. Along one highway there were no restaurants besides McDonald's for a dozen exits, so we stopped at one. We got up to the counter and my Mom said, "Get whatever you want." I took her at her word and ordered a hamburger and small fries, no drink, and she gasped and admonished me IN FRONT OF THE CASHIER for ordering fries, and took it off the order. I was speechless with outrage until we got in the car, when we looked at each other and she had this smug "I just saved your ass, literally," look on her face and told me that now I really should give up eating such things. I had to calm myself down, but then I gave her a talking-to about her attitude, recounting how I felt about every hurtful thing she's said or done about my weight (luckily there were only a few– I can't imagine what it's like to be nagged or insulted constantly about it), and told her that I'd finally reached a point of acceptance and good self-esteem and she should back off. She looked sheepish and kind of apologized, saying she'd never bring it up again, and I told her that that wasn't necessarily the point. I wanted her to accept my decision not to freak out about my weight and to trust that I would maintain a healthy (mental and physical) perspective and do what I needed to do. If you can take your conversation to the point where they're willing to drop the subject, you might try asking them to accept you as you are rather than just keeping their opinion bottled up. They can be happy for you that you are happy WITH you– as everyone seems to agree, that's so hard to do in this society– and maybe only discuss it when it is in a neutral (not diet-centered, e.g.) context and with a constructive attitude. So, Mom under control. Now, my already pretty thin, goal-oriented and overachieving fiancé has decided (and is succeeding) to whittle down to a defined six-pack. I visited him recently and found that to do so he's been calorie counting and generally paying way too much attention to his food intake for my taste, and he couldn't help but mention it nearly every time we ate. And he started voicing his observations on MY eating, and I had to start again with the positive body-image talk. WTH? What is it about weddings that makes people go nuts? 1 agrees Reply Full disclosure: I've not yet been a bride. However, like so much on OBB, this topic hits very close to home. I apologize for the length of this in advance. The personal decision I recently made to NOT attempt to lose weight anymore is one that I have struggled with for a long time. I no longer consider myself "fat" or "unattractive"– and it has taken me YEARS to develop the self confidence that I can be just as pretty/smart/funny/attractive as a size *gasp* 14 or 16 as I was when I was starving myself and vomiting to achieve a size 4. Yes, my issues may be more specifically related to those who have gone through an eating disorder, but having to deal with the seemingly negative comments and judgements I've been getting recently about my very public decision to stop giving a f%#$* has been a frustrating process. Mostly, and I know this is totally cliche, but what has come across the strongest is that my *real* friends don't give a crap– most of them have seen me as a size 0 and a size 18, and they accept me however I look- big or small, blue hair or brown. Non-supportive friends are the easiest to deal with– you get to choose your friends, and I refuse to spend time with someone who would pass judgement on the size of my ass. I also am an actor, and recently the paper ran a story on some people who came to a show and made fun of me DURING the performance for being "fat". (true story). There were some really cruel comments made on the article about how ridiculous it was that a girl who was a size 14 could ever hope to be an actress. Once upon a time, those comments would have upset me for months, but I've realized that I am more than a jeans size— I suppose what I'm getting at here is that it's not ABOUT what your friends or family or vendors think– it's about YOU, and your personal journey. I've worked in bridal alterations, and I very vividly remember one girl who came in– she was a size 28, and just gushed over how wonderful a job we were doing, how happy she was that we were so accommodating, and I remember saying to her, 'You have EVERY right to be here. You have EVERY right to be happy. You have EVERY right to feel beautiful and if anyone tells you differently, kick them in the nuts". Maybe not the most professional, but I made my point. That's where I stand on this issue. It's your right to be happy no matter HOW you look– and you're getting married because the person you love has accepted you for how you are– why would you change it? 46 agree Reply "I also am an actor, and recently the paper ran a story on some people who came to a show and made fun of me DURING the performance for being "fat". (true story). There were some really cruel comments made on the article about how ridiculous it was that a girl who was a size 14 could ever hope to be an actress." Can I just point out that these a**holes were the ones in the AUDIENCE. While they're talking about how ridiculous it is that you could "ever hope to be" an actress.. you were up there, BEING ONE. If they were hating on your for being comfortable in your own body AND getting to do what you love, then that says a whoooole lot about who they all are and what they think of themselves. 20 agree Reply I am by no means a plus-sized person, but that doesn't mean that in this process of wedding planning weight isn't still an issue. My sister's a recovering anorexic and I've had my own struggles with my appearance, so the issue is definitely there. I know that people are going to/have all ready hinted that since I'm a bride I must want to work out and loose weight; that the wedding must be why I'm eating healthier, and working out. Nobody cares to think that it's just because I want to be healthier with my life. I know people will only push this as the time to go dress shopping gets closer. My family and friends mean well, but they are driven by the attitude "bride = must loose weight, must look look a certain way, etc," so I know that it'll come up or be an issue that I need to work out. My plan is to kindly say "I'm sorry you see something wrong with me that you think needs changing, but I love myself the way I am." It sounds confrontational, but I think it'll be best because it's clear and to the point that I love myself, and they shouldn't think otherwise. 8 agree Reply As a plus sized bride myself I have found a real mix of positive and negative from vendors. I think the bridalwear shops are the worst. My advice to other brides is to find a dressmaker you are comfortable with, find a selection of dresses you like on the internet and show them to her, then ask her to make a dress that will flatter your figure. Most dress makers know what to do to hide all those bits that you want to and make you look fabulous. As you are having it tailored it can be altered along the way depending on how your size changes (if at all). This way you end up with a one of a kind dress for a fraction of what you could have paid for a designer one. On the day it will fit like it was made for you (because it was!) and you will feel fabulous!!! 3 agree Reply I noticed the facebook ads change to weight loss pretty much straight away after we got engaged. The OBB community was so refreshing compared to other forums where the second most active section was nearly always about losing weight for the big day. As a very plus size lady of ~250lbs at the time of getting down to serious wedding planning I made a conscious decision not to put myself under any pressure to lose weight before the big day. My mum did mention it to me but I made it very clear that I had enough to do with a wedding to plan without adding to the stress, especially as I was perfectly happy with my weight. Trying on dresses was a different issue, I think I only tried on one dress in my size, everything else was way too small and I was putting it on and holding up the front to "get an idea of the shape" In the end I went with a custom made dress (which I ordered too big as I was convinced I'd gain weight before the wedding) which was perfect for me. I'm currently losing weight and one thing I have to say to everyone that is asking how I'm doing it is that it was my decision there was no influence from my family or friends. Also that I'm doing this for me, my health, not for a specific dress or a photo that I may look at in years to come with only the memory of harsh dieting instead of how happy we were on the day. 7 agree Reply I removed my gender from Facebook's profile page, and most of those ads disappeared. *eyeroll* 18 agree Reply I hide the ads, and when it asks why I am hiding them I tell them that it is "against my views", haha! 12 agree Reply I report them as "offensive". 🙂 38 agree Reply I do that too! 4 agree Reply I don't get any ads. Is that weird? Joy Nash of FatRantBlog had the best idea about this. If you have a family member who simply can't let it go, say "I'm not really planning on losing any weight, but if you're so worried about my health, you can pay for my gym membership." Or groceries, or medication, or soap or whatever it is you need to be happier and healthier. It satisfies their need to help. If they really want to help, that should be enough. A few years ago, I had to have a moment with my mother. I had to say "Mom. I'm motivated by encouragement. That's what gets me going. Being negative about my body doesn't work. It makes me give up. I'm not even trying! I don't want to try!" Just getting it out there was a BIG moment for both of us and it's changed how we talk to each other about our bodies. It's a conversation everyone can have! I encourage you to have this conversation because you're still going to have your body after the wedding. 12 agree Reply I think the key here is not to wait until he proposes if she's the type of mother to say hurtful things… I remember getting pressured to lose weight from as young as 9 (9!! Who does that?!?) and through my adult life too. After many, many one liners in conversations and arguments how it was not appropriate and I wished she would never bring it up again, she went behind my back and asked one of my best friends (through fb no less) to tell me to lose weight because no way would my now-Hubby stick around if I didn't-but not to say that my mum said these things…kinda an impossible situation for my friend!! Naturally, I was furious but instead of blowing up at her, I wrote a VERY strongly worded but well-thought-out letter about how it made me feel (that she didn't love me, couldn't accept me, made me angry and sad which made me want to gorge on chocolate & the only time she didn't pressure me was when I was a kilo or 2 away from anorexia and I never wanted to go back there) in comparison to how I normally feel (yeah… I'd like to be thinner. But I like food too much and I'd rather be healthy, happy and "fat" in her eyes than thin and miserable). I then ignored all calls for a few weeks while I read and re-read my letter. Many things were a lot harsher than they really needed to be but I ended up sending it anyway because none of my more gentle words had worked… And because weeks later, everything in the letter still rang true. To this day, she has never acknowledged that she received the letter, or that she read it-but all comments stopped (apart from a very occasional one which is probably out of habit and those get silenced with a "look") and that was all I needed/wanted. It was a very long process though so if you have a turbulent relationship with your mum, I'd start trying to win that battle well before he proposes! 8 agree Reply I kind of love how parents think they know about all relationships, especially modern ones. I distinctly remember my mother asking me, "you don't fart in front of your boyfriend, DO YOU?" Why, yes, actually, we're pretty comfortable with each other and it's something everyone does, and that's the way our relationship rolls. She was pretty horrified and implied strongly that men don't like that sort of thing and that if I wanted to keep him around I should basically try to hide things like that. Again, because "men don't like women doing stuff like that!" But… it's my relationship, I know him better than you, mom. What the heck? Ah well, I'm fortunately more amused by these things than annoyed, because it just shows how much pre-marriage relationships have evolved in the past 30 years. 🙂 11 agree Reply ….someone once told me that one should wait up until their husband rolls in, no matter what the time he meanders home, in full dress and makeup. I was speechless lol…. Maybe it's a different generation thing? I dunno, you ladies are nicer than me. With toxic people like that, I say it three times nice, and after that you can fuck right off about it – if I acknowledge your comments at all. I work hard enough to keep my own brain from saying ugly things to the mirror. Yes, I know I'm not quite the 'right' BMI, no, I'm not starting my healthy lifestyle until after the wedding (and fondant making/ chocolate molding/ rice krispie treat deliciousness being created,) and yes, I'm going to be all fluffy and busty and rock my corset at our wedding. Cuz that's the way he loves me 😀 1 agrees Reply I got a lot of criticism from family for most of my wedding plans and I was grateful to Offbeat Bride for giving me the courage to say "because it's OUR day, it's OUR party, and it's what WE want." The best advice I can give has a short story attached: I didn't do anything unique with my hair and I did my makeup the way I would for any dress up date I had with my husband. He later told me that he was kind of worried he'd see me walk down the aisle and not have it be me, and he was very pleased to see the face he fell in love with, the face he proposed to, and the face he wants to have fancy dates with for the rest of his life looking back at him on our wedding day. You are not entering into a marriage expecting a different person and on your wedding day, your man will look at you with the love that has been building your entire experience together and excited anticipation of what your future experiences will hold. That's all that matters, because this is about the two of you deciding to define your relationship in a more permanent way. I would lay down the law with your mom. My weight is not an issue to me or the man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have enough to deal with in the planning process, so if you want to turn non-issues into issues, I'm going to have to remove you from helping me plan. 13 agree Reply This has been an ongoing issue between my mom and I. I've avoided getting to the nitty gritty of my own body image with her… because when it comes down to it… It's honestly an issue about her own body image. My mom is 5'5" and well within her BMI ( I have a problem with BMI because its only about weight and height and ignores too many important factors… like that muscle weighs more than fat… bone density… gender… age… etc…) But my mom, regardless of how thin she has been, considers herself "fat"… so, by comparison… I'm really huge at 5'9" and curvy as fuck. I'm honestly not sure if my mom is seeing weight in regards to health or if its only "how clothes fit" and how one looks. I told her I'm losing weight for my health. I am only looking for more energy and the ability to run after my kids without collapsing in a big winded pile of goo. I'm a size 16, and honestly I'm fine with it. I can rock a retro wiggle dress like nobodies business. But, inevitably, the conversation always leads to size… and how I'm not going to look like Mae West because she was smaller than I am… I do admit I have my own body issues… every woman does. I'm learning to love them though… may take a while… but I'm getting there. I may need to flood my moms inbox with beautiful plus size girls… LOL 5 agree Reply PS. One thing that helped me realize I'm not sasquatch… a pin up photoshoot. The best, most wonderful thing I've ever done. Biggest confidence booster ever. Come to think of it… maybe I should show my mom those pics… well… the not naked ones anyway. 15 agree Reply Totally related post: Why you should consider boudoir photos. Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love my body 5 agree Reply I would love to do a boudoir shoot, partly for the purpose of loving my body and also because showing off my body turns my man on. Of course, I would only give the photos to him only and keep some for myself. But when I explained this idea to my mom, she declared that boudoir pics are "inappropriate" and "un-Christian." I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with those kind of comments. In the meantime, I may end up a) paying for a boudoir session myself or b) create my own boudoir pics. 2 agree Reply The best way I avoided body image issues for my wedding was that I had my dress custom made! The clothes that you spend sooo much to put on your body to tell the story of who you are at your essence mean so much! My husband and I wanted our wedding to be about our ethics and thus our cloth to be organic, so I had my dress made to fit me not the other way around! This way everything was "me" and bonus for not feeling bad for not "fitting" into another image from another person. My designer had my measurements so the dress wasn't too long, the bust wasn't too big and the hips weren't too damn small! It was perfect! Also, stay on cool sites like this and don't watch tv or go near "commercial" bridal mags!!! 5 agree Reply I'm LOVING all the comments about getting dresses custom made! That's always been my top advice for plus-size brides. 4 agree Reply That's what I'm doing! Bonus; it fits almost perfectly at the first fitting, since it's made to your body. That's a confidence booster AND a time/money-saver. 1 agrees Reply Not just plus size brides should do this. It is a great way to get exactly what you want, made to fit you. I found the whole experience made me more excited about how I would look on the day 8 agree Reply Here here! You spend the rest of your life buying clothes that are meant to fit other people from stores – getting your wedding dress custom designed makes it THAT much more special! 2 agree Reply As a not-quite-there woman in a serious LTR, I'm loving this idea too… I just don't know where or how I would start the process of finding a seamstress who would custom make a dress for me in the Midwest US. The one simple google search I did for this came up with almost nothing, except for 1 or 2 custom designers who charge thousands as baseline price! Any ideas on the nitty-gritty of having something custom made for someone getting ready to be in this boat? 2 agree Reply I have been married before, and back then I was a teeny tiny little thing (and miserable I now realise, for reasons other than my weight). I still had my dress custom made because my natural style is very simple and it was so hard to find a simply cut dress to my taste. I totally recommend custom made for brides of all shapes and sizes, especially for brides who have simple, classic tastes as I have found it is much less expensive than off the rack dresses. This time, I am larger and happier and I am still going for a custom made dress, which is even simpler than my last wedding dress. I have not had any pressure from my family to lose weight. They have seen me depressed and miserable, and they see me now happy. Thankfully, weight is irrelevant to them. It does amuse me that, ever since we got engaged, when aquaintances find out that I avoid wheat and dairy (its a seasonal thing, to help me deal with sever allergies), they relate it directly to weight loss! I tell them its the allergic conjunctivitis I am trying to lose, not my curves 😛 Reply I'm wearing a custom-made dress too, and I'm a size 8! I simply don't care for a lot of the styles that are featured in mainstream bridal magazines, and I have my own visions of a dress anyway. Thank goodness for Etsy dressmakers. 🙂 2 agree Reply I'm so thankful that OBB doesnt allow dieting discussion on their site for this very reason. Being recently engaged, and fresh from my first bridal boutique experience, I understand what she's going through. Its even harder when it comes from a family member. I'm considered a plus size girl, especially in the bridal world it seems. I felt completely ashamed and mortified when I stepped into my first dress at a small boutique and they broke out the CLAMPS (do they really need industrial size clamps you would see in an auto shop?). Not one single dress actually fit me and the way the try to squeez you in and clamp the dress down is just awful. However, after trying the typical bridal shops, we went to a department store. I think it was Nordstroms. I found a very pretty (very offbeat) dress that I fell in love with, and guess what, the size they put me in was actually 2 sizes smaller than what I normally wear, and it FIT! So I guess the lesson I learned was to skip the high pressure environment all together, you'll probably save money as well as your confidence. 4 agree Reply I can totally see how you felt like the clamps were complete overkill…if I can explain? Bridal shops use clamps to show prospective buyers how their dresses will fit after proper tailoring. They use strong clamps in order to hold many layers, and sometimes many pounds of fabric in place. They use these on every customer, on every dress (I went to Vera Wang's flagship store in Beverly Hills–giant orange handled clamps there, too!). A good salesperson should be gentle and explain what they're doing, instead of making you feel like it's YOUR FAULT that the dress doesn't fit–of course it doesn't–it's not tailored for you! I hope that helps explain–and I'm so glad you found a dress that fits you and makes you feel beautiful! 9 agree Reply Trust me (and the other commenter here), the clamps are not just for "plus-sized" potential buyers. I am a pretty petite woman, and was probably a size 6 when I went bridal dress shopping (which is the smallest I have ever been, despite being quite short), and I think I tried on maybe 2 dresses that didn't require clamps, and even they were tight. I'm pretty sure especially the higher-end shops get the dresses straight off the models they were modeled on, and as the other commenter said use the clamps to show you what it will look like once it's fitted to you. Reply 1) I made my dress and got to have exactly what I wanted – custom clothing to make you feel your best = major winning at any size. I wanted to parse your question a bit though: "If my mother criticizes me and doesn't stop, how do I deal with it? How do I tell her to back off without pissing her off or giving her a brush-off answer?" I think that Ariel gave some great advice about remembering a misguided but theoretically common ground. However, I just want to also say: Do what is best for YOU. If she continues, hurting you, and isn't caring that it's pissing YOU off and brushing off YOUR comments in return, then you need to decide on a line in the sand for yourself and take care of yourself. On some level only you know where that line is, but if you recognize that line, you'll be able to stand on it without having to do a total Gandalf when it's finally triggered. 2) I like to hope for everyone that a wedding day is an amazing day in an amazing life together. You're beautiful today. You're beautiful on every Tuesday in October of 2017. You are going to be beautiful on your wedding day, because you're going to oooooooze awesome "OMFG we're MARRIED!" vibes and those are gorgeous, even when they're full of ugly cries and trashed dresses, and rain, sleet, snow, hail, or firestorm. So turn an oldie on it's head. Just smile knowingly and say, "oh, Mom, you'll seeeeeeee!" 6 agree Reply Oh, I love this idea of saying "you'll seeeeeee!" to your mom! I can honestly see it working, too. My mom COULD NOT fathom how my design for my dress was going to be at all flattering, and kept trying to convince me to change it or just buy one, and I had some serious doubts about it for a long time because of that. Finally (after a good long talk with my future-husband when I was crying over my uncertainty), I informed my mom that I knew what I was doing, it was going to be gorgeous, and she would see and agree. And guess what? She LOVED my dress. 1 agrees Reply In my opinion, the best answer to this is to remind her that people like to say "You'll never find a man if you don't lose a good XX pounds" and if you're engaged, plus sized, and looking for a wedding dress, this is clearly bullsh*t. 16 agree Reply "'You'll never find a man if you don't lose a good XX pounds' and if you're engaged, plus sized, and looking for a wedding dress, this is clearly bullsh*t." New philosophy. 10 agree Reply I really loved this post. I've fought tooth and nail over my weight growing up and have embraced the fact I'm a plus size girl who's a down-to-heart foodie. When I first started dress shopping… I couldn't get out of my head when my grandmother would complain about my weight when I was little. She would get two sizes bigger in clothes when I was a preteen and say with a snobbish tone,"Well, you'll GROW into them anyway, at the rate you're going." Its a wonder I didn't become anorexic or bulimic. Even my mother in law, obsessed with losing weight for any occasion made comments on what diet I was thinking about choosing before the big day. Wrestling with those thoughts, and trying to look for a dress that looked good on me..just made me feel worse about the whole thing. I actually had put down money on a dress that swallowed me and felt retired to my fate as a "fat" bride that can't look good in anything. Finally my now husband stepped in and put the spiral to a halt. He said,"This day is about YOU, stop going with what everyone else says. I'm marrying you because you have your own voice, now SPEAK UP." I finally saddled up and started speaking up. I found a new dress that was BEAUTIFUL, made out of crinkle chiffon and a halter top with an empire waist.Size 20, and I looked like a boss in that thing. I went happily barefoot down a hardwood church isle on June 9th this year with it on. No one else said anything about my weight. Even strangers where we took pictures came up and asked me where I got my dress cause it was amazing. I was on cloud nine all day, and you bet i stuffed my face with food at the reception. How can I not? Foodies need love too! I am so happy someone posted this. Weddings are always so stressful enough without throwing body image into the mix. I say screw the others, be YOU cause its your day..and YOUR life. 9 agree Reply When I got my dress made at Dark Garden, i remember Autumn saying to me, "You can do anything you want, but please for the love of god, DO NOT LOSE ANY WEIGHT!" I understand, of course, that this was because taking in my elaborate dress would be a bigger bitch than letting it out, but it was the first time in my entire life I had ever heard the sentiment. I'm not dainty, I'm curvy and athletic and struggle with my weight everyday, so I like remembering that moment. 5 agree Reply Since meeting my mate this has been an issue for me because I was terrified of shopping with my mother. Shopping with her, she holds no punches. When you come out of the dressing room and ask "how does this look?" she give a straight answer and is critical of every flaw you may have. That can be a good thing. But when your a teen trying to find fashionable clothes and nothing seems to live up to your mom's standards you start to feel like crap. One day a few years ago my mother and I got talking about wedding dresses. To make a long story short she basically told me that I need to wear one of those dresses you find in the "modest" section of some designers lines (Allure Bridal has a section if your curious), because my arms were too big to wear a strapless or strappy gown. Personally I think those modest dresses are not my taste and from then on I was so scared of the day that I would have to go dress shopping. Should I cut her out of the whole thing and go by myself or with a less critical friend? Should I take her with and just grin and bare it as best I can? What to do–? Luckily a few months ago I spoke to my mother about dress shopping and she seemed to have had a change of heart. She told me she didn't care what I wore so long as I was happy with it. What a relief! But in any event my best advice would be this: think about your personality and ask yourself how you want to handle it. Maybe a good thing to do is to say something like this: "Mom, I know you want me to lose weight. I want to lose weight too. Maybe I will soon. But my wedding date is set for x/y/z and that just isn't enough time for me to get everything I need to done, plus keep up my normal life of work/ school/ what have you and then concentrate on losing weight, too. Maybe losing weight is next but its not going to happen in the next X months. So please, can we shelve the whole weight loss issue, at least till after the wedding? I love you and this is supposed to a happy time and a time for us to enjoy being mother and daughter." Maybe if you were feeling up to it, if you are really ready to lose the weight you can make a deal with her that when you come back from your honeymoon you will start a healthy eating and exercise plan– together, as a mom and daughter team. Just a thought. Hope that helps. 1 agrees Reply I wouldn't let my mother come with me until the dress was finished. That way, she couldn't make any horrid comments as it was all already completed. 1 agrees Reply I find that my mom needs to feel like she had a say in order to be supportive, so she came along. I think she was just so happy that I was wearing a white gown from a real bridal shop that she wasn't going to insult my body. Interestingly, when we chose the first photographer we met and put the downpayment, my mom started getting worried it was the wrong decision, probably because she wasn't involved in making it. I give her the illusion of input and she gives me peace. I guess this just depends on how your mom is. 2 agree Reply It's always so weird to me how people just automatically assume that everyone is going to try to completely change what they look like now that they're getting married. A while back at work I came in with a Costco muffin and one of my coworkers (who I don't really even know all that well) looked at it and said, "Don't you have a wedding dress to fit into?" After staring at her for a while in shock, I just said, "My dress fits just fine, thanks," and took a HUGE bite out of my muffin. Yummy yum yum. Responding in a way that casually points out that someone is being rude tends to shut the conversation down. "Are you going on a diet before the wedding?" "Nope, why do you ask?" Generally people just get all awkward and kind of slink away. 😉 15 agree Reply I find it very odd that everyone automatically assumes you will try to change *everything* for your wedding. My hair hasn't been past chin length since I was allowed to choose my haircut. I have worn glasses since 3rd grade. And yet, I got asked if I was getting contacts and growing my hair out, as well as losing weight. Why do so many people think you need to look like not-you on your wedding day? 10 agree Reply Very true!!! My usual haircut is a #3 clippers short pixie, but I wanted to wear a hat with long hair… *shrug* so I'm growing it out. I'm growing it as an accessory, not for "the perfect look." It amazes me the reaction I get to my reasoning about it. I guess I didn't realize how much people assume you must change who you for a wedding. Reply I am a plus sized bride who decided NOT to get her dress custom-made. I hit up David's Bridal first, and had them throw EVERY type of dress at me. I wanted to see what I looked like in a fancy dress. I was SHOCKED at how good I looked in the majority of dresses. I tried on bubble hems, princess cuts, sparkles, sequins, lace, buttons all up the back, etc. There were however, some SERIOUS body/dress issues with certain styles. I just looked MASSIVE in certain dresses. Even ones I thought I should look okay in. It's all about the proportion of your body to the proportions of the dress. I know trying on dresses can make you feel like less (more….) but in order to see that it really isn't you, it's the dress ON you that's the issue, you HAVE to be willing to try on a few dresses. Go to a shop that carries your size (or a little bigger, as they can make it look smaller, but not be bigger) and try on a few that you know you won't be buying, to see what YOU look like, not the dress. Afterall, your husband is marrying you- not the dress. However, a well fitted dress (maybe even tailored to you) can make you feel like a bajillion bucks. But that isn't about fitting yourself to the dress, it's about fitting the dress to YOU, like everything else in your wedding. 4 agree Reply I totally agree. I specifically chose David's Bridal because I knew they carried a ton of dresses in many sizes. I really didn't feel like I was relegated to the "plus size" section (even though I did buy a plus size dress) and the sample actually fit! Or were, at least, within one size. It was so much better for my self esteem that way. 1 agrees Reply I must say, I'm rather jealous. I've been to 2 David's so far, and they've had a total of 4 dress they could squeeze my size 24 bum into, all of them strapless A-lines. They didn't even carry plus sized prom dress to try! It looks like I'll have to have my dress blindly custom-made because I don't know what else to do. Reply Thank you all for the thoughtful and wonderful answers! I have been dying over what to do about my mother. I know the comments about losing weight for my wedding are a-comin' and it frankly scares me a lot. But I think the first approach will be best. I have mostly dreaded the dress appointment. Where they shove you in a dress 5+ sizes too small and nobody can envision the dress on you properly because it doesn't fit at all. I'm thinking about a dressmaker (also because I have such offbeat taste that I don't like most wedding dresses :P) and that thought is making me feel so much better. Better to explain that I haven't seen any dresses I like than fight over my weight! I'm also glad my question was answered because you never see weight struggles in the wedding profiles. Nobody says "The hardest part about planning was beating off comments about how I should lose weight before my wedding." because that's so sad! But I was sad that every other plus-sized bride I saw seemed to have a family who loved her and never made comments about her weight. I definitely do not have that family. Thank God I'm not alone! 3 agree Reply See my comment above about David's. That was my biggest fear too. 1 agrees Reply What an interesting and positive conversation–I love how Offbeat Brides talk to each other with such love and respect. I considered losing weight for my wedding, but weight loss is a project like any other–like planning a wedding, writing a book, organizing yourself for a tax audit, raising a kitten, or learning to drive. I wound up doing all those things this year, and they all took time, energy, and patience. In the end, weight loss was not important enough to me to be prioritized above any of that other stuff, and it slipped off the to-do list. Maybe sometime it'll come back–I think weight loss would be good for me if I weren't doing at the expense of other more important things. Really, if I could finish this book versus refashion my caloric intake to lose twenty pounds, I'd finish the darn book. That's me, and my choice. Weight loss is intensely personal, and nobody gets to set your goals and priorities for you. If someone assailed me about losing weight for the wedding, I think a very good answer would be, "Considering all the fascinating stuff in my life right now, that's just not a priority." 10 agree Reply THIS so much THIS. Ever since I bought my wedding dress, if I ever eat anything slightly sugary in front of my boss, she says: "Oh, it's OK if you eat that, after all, your dress has a corseted back if you gain weight." Cheers hon. Why does she think it's OK to comment on what I eat? 4 agree Reply I would be soooo tempted to say "I guess it's a shame your clothes aren't corseted or I'd offer you a cookie too," but I guess that wouldn't be too professional 😉 12 agree Reply Thanks to weddingdress shopping I got a tiny glimpse of what plus sized lady have to go through. When I told the sales lady I don't own a scale she didn't believe me. I used to stress over being too skinny so I threw the stupid thing out and lived happily ever after. They write down your measurements and tell you not to lose or gain weight. (and told me that I lost 1 cm, but it wasn't that bad. Damn right it isn't!) It's pretty though to be immune to those antics. People don't have any business commenting on your body's shape and size, unless it is to tell you how awesome you look! I really respect you curvy ladies for being strong and awesome. I realise you get a lot of cr*p, because some people think that they can just say things to you when you're plus-sized. Beauty has nothing to do with pounds and kilo's. 8 agree Reply I ditched my scale, too! I've found that when I have one I weigh myself obsessively, just because it's there. When it's not there, I don't think about it… I just go off of whether I feel good about myself or not. I highly recommend this to everyone. 6 agree Reply You guys are so much kinder than I would be. I cannot stand people implying that "I'm working out for my wedding right?" I'm a reasonably small size (6-8) and I still get this kind of nonsense thrown my way. Not to mention that I am completely fed up with going to bridesmaid's shops where they insist I try on the dresses because they don't have any samples that will fit my bridesmaids. I can understand why someone would only want to order off the internet, and not deal with the judgey store clerks ever again. A computer would never roll its eyes at me and remind me of how samples only come in sizes up to 10. 3 agree Reply Dear Sarah, Please never forget that the problem is not you, it's society. I find it devastating to see how some people only seem to care about weight, when there's so many plus size women looking absolutely gorgeous. I've been engaged for 3 months and have been asked twice 'if I was planning to lose weight for the wedding'. That's so insulting, patronizing and why can't people just mind their own business? No, I'm perfectly happy with the way I am and I will not lose weight for my wedding! Don't let your mom (or anybody) get you down. It would be a good idea to talk to her about it. She probably doesn't even realize she's hurting you with her comments… I had a similar problem with my mother. Take care, Ella 4 agree Reply Thank you so much for this. It can be so disheartening when your mother doesn't like how you look, but it is ultimately my groom's and my wedding and he liked it so he plans to put a ring on it! And it's good to know someone else fought their mom on this. 🙂 Reply 1. Be yourelf just as hard as you can be – everyone will love you the more for it, whatever shape you are. 2. Some of the nicest wedding dresses are designed to look fabulous on larger sized ladies – mediaeval corset dresses, to my dismay, don't look at all right on slimmer brides! 3. Whatever size/shape you want to be, you are going to lose some weight before the big day anyway whether you intend to or not. 4. Dive in and enjoy it all for you and him, noone else matters! 1 agrees Reply wow, does this hit close to home. for years, my mother hounded me about my weight… criticized what i ate, offered me money to lose 20 pounds, you name it. she insisted it was because she was worried about my health, and ignored my observation that her concern probably stemmed more from some of her own issues. a few years ago, my mom asked me to come with her to her counselor so i could help her talk something out. turns out it was an "intervention", and she thought that having a counselor talk some sense into me would get me to lose weight. except after the appointment, she has never in 3 years mentioned my weight again. i'm sure that after our meeting, the counselor told her to leave me alone and work on her own issues. anyway. i wondered if dress shopping would make the beast rear its ugly head again, and it didn't. but if she made a comment about losing weight, i was prepared to say: "on our wedding, day, J and i are looking forward to being in the midst of so many people who love and support us for being exactly the way we are. hopefully by then you'll come around and be able to do the same." harsh, but sometimes it's needed. 12 agree Reply Oh gawd, this was such a frustrating part of my wedding process. However, dealing with my mom's (and grandma, and my groom's grandma's) attitude toward my weight helped make me the fine fierce fat activist I am today. For me, the key was to reframe this as a feminist issue rather than a personal assault. OBB has often talked about the wedding industrial complex and the psychological damage it can do. One of the tools of the wedding industrial complex is the patriarchal notion that brides have to be the mainstream feminine ideal. Vendors play into it because they can make money off of it. Family feeds into it because the don't know any other way and are used to people going along with it. When I decided to be myself (all 230lbs of it), it was a radical rejection of the status quo. Every time I got criticized for it, I gave a speech about how patriarchy hurts us all. Some people were receptive. Some were not. When people weren't open to it, I made a boundary (just like Ariel said) and closed the subject. On bad days, I read lots of feminist fat positive blogs (not just wedding ones, because frankly those are few and far between–what up, OBB!) and played lots of music by awesome big ladies (I recommend Gossip and old school Missy Elliot). I added some fat positive songs to my reception playlist which also let me shake my stuff in comfort and let the haters deal with it. Good luck! 8 agree Reply Thank you so much! OMG I am such a huge feminist so this clicked right away in my brain and kinda rejuvenated my soul. I know I can be beautiful on my wedding day haters be damned. 7 agree Reply i just want to say that this advice, "If she pushes it again, try this: reach out and hold her hand in yours (if that feels right), look into her eyes and say, "I love you, and I'm done talking about this." Then get up, and walk the fuck away." is probably the best bit of advice i've gotten on how to handle my mom during wedding planning. she hasn't gotten on me about my weight in a while, but she's been a pretty big pain in the ass about everything else wedding related. 7 agree Reply I've only looked at dresses once (way back two years ago now, before I had to move the date back twice) and I didn't feel too self concious then. Now though, I'm slowly more and more terrified. I've gone up at least 2 sizes since last time I tried anything on, and my mom for two years has been dropping little 'hey you're kinda fat' hints. She's never pushed me to lose weight, and I come from a large, heavy family on my dad's side and plenty of heavier friends so I haven't had much pressure overall, but my mom has this way of getting under my skin completely and destroyng my self-esteem without my even realizing it. She has offered to try and make my dress, and I really want her to, I just hope it won't be a huge issue. I am in no way happy with my body, but I've accepted that it's mine. Reply Also! My amazing honey said to me before we were engaged and a few times after that he thinks losing weight and surgery and things all before your wedding is completely silly, because then it's the person you love saying I love you forever just the way you are, and then you changing the way you are. 2 agree Reply The intro actually made me cry, I can relate. My grandmother is like that, she's tried so many ways to get me to loose weight. She's bought me diet pills and gym memberships, it's hard to have someone you love criticize you. I'm so lucky that when I go through my body self hate fazed that my fiancee is there telling me he loves my body, including my belly, my double chin and especially my butt. 3 agree Reply I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've dealt with the diet pressure too (family diets but mostly so I could lose the weight) and it's HORRIBLE. I'm so glad you've been able to look at yourself for the beautiful lady you are! Reply Does anyone have advice on how I can respond to my boss making comments about having to fit into a wedding dress every time I order something healthy at a business lunch or lunch meeting? He is in his late 50's and I don't know if he's just clueless or what, but it bugs me every time I hear this (about once a week). 1 agrees Reply Take him aside and tell him that you would rather not have your personal business aired in front of clients and coworkers… That as it is your workplace you would rather things be kept as professional as possible. (on a side note… what an ass.) 9 agree Reply Depending on what he's saying, inappropriate comments from the boss can constitute harassment. If he doesn't respond to an icy stare or you saying, "Every time I order a salad, you make a comment about my wedding dress. I'd like it if you stopped doing that, please," then you may need to get HR involved. Good luck! 3 agree Reply Thanks guys 🙂 To clarify, I'm not overweight, so it's not like he's picking on me for the way I look. It's just that I hate his assumption that my wanting to eat a salad has to do with a) losing weight and b) fitting into a wedding dress. 3 agree Reply It doesn't matter if he's commenting on how you look or if you're overweight/underweight/plus sized/missy sized/etc. Him auditing your food choices and body shaming you is harassment. Even if you were a size 2315, he still has no business saying anything about what you eat or why you're eating it. 8 agree Reply Agreed. Even if you work for a small little company where everyone are friends, it's still not acceptable. Thank him for his support (he IS your boss), then redirect him and ask about photographers or flower shop suggestions or something neural he can "advise" you on. Aw man.. I used to get this when I first started working in the job I'm in now!! (I'm talking 10 years ago when I was like 20..) I'd always bring healthy food to work and only buy healthy food from the food truck and OMG almost every damn day SOMEONE would comment on 'Ooh you're eating healthy today' or 'Look at you and your healthy salad!' It shit me sooo much! I don;t stand there and say 'Ooh look at that fat laden hamburger!' or 'Look at you and your deep fried heart stopper' Haha! Anyway, years later and all that went away, but gosh darn I can totally sympathise with you there. Reply There is only one wedding magazine I like. But I lost so much respect for the writers when they had a detox/weightloss piece. It just assumed that everyone wants to do that for their wedding. I think its a vicious cycle. So long as women think thats what we're meant to do, it will be promoted and encouraged. 1 agrees Reply So I can't necessarily relate to pressures to lose weight as I'm very skinny. However, my mother did express the occasional concern about my wedding that put a damper on my enthusiasm. When she was discussing the problems with my sister's purple hair, I commented "This is something I was super excited about and your comments are making me lose my joy. I want to be happy and excited about my wedding so don't take that from me." She promptly apologized and dropped the subject. I imagine a similar line could work when discussing dress shopping, or how you look in your dress, or photography, or whatever the context is where your mother might bring up your appearance. 1 agrees Reply I am not plus size, but I've got my fair share of body image problems. Despite the fact that I'm the 'correct weight' and might even be considered skinny, there's a lot of body shaming I've come across. I'm 5'10", 150lbs wear size 14 pants and a 32B bra. Just that simple number – 14 – has caused me to break out in tears before. Not because I'm ashamed – that's simply the way my body is – but because when people start talking about it, they suddenly look at me like I'm a freak and usually insist "no way! You can't be a size 14" in a disgusted voice. So far, my best way of shutting people down is "and this matters because?" Often people just need that reminder that this is totally inappropriate. 2 agree Reply Don't feel like a freak! Every time you say that and people look at you like you're crazy, what you're doing is changing their perceptions! Don't back down, and don't change what you say. The more everyone is just like, "Yeah…. this is what it is. Whatever," the less important it will all become. 2 agree Reply For some reason, nobody has asked me if I'm losing weight for the wedding– they just automatically assume I am. So I have so many people coming to me and saying "You look like you're losing weight!" When um, nope. It's the same old me! I've taken to answering, "No, I just look ten pounds heavier in mental pictures." 😉 9 agree Reply People butt in when you're too skinny too (though it takes a lot more to get there). I lost a bunch of weight because of a parasite, and my mom kept being on me about being "too skinny" and trying to gain more weight BACK to the point that it was making me feel bad, so I told her that I heard her concern, but that her comments about my body were not helping me. She hasn't said much since. Reply I am a plus size girl and I come from a plus size family. Due to the stress involved in planning my wedding, I actually put on weight, they had to let my dress out. Twice. I am a comfort eater and I'd wager that I am not the only one. The ladies who ran the bridal store told me something that I have always remembered "The size is just a number, as long as you look and feel beautiful nothing else matters" And you know what… It didn't matter. I looked beautiful on my wedding day and I look beautiful in my wedding photos (though they are the only photos of me I do consider beautiful.) (( I wish I could post one here so people could see lol)) 1 agrees Reply This is an awesome post. It's odd how weddings (and to a greater extent pregnancy) make women's bodies such public property that almost complete strangers feel comfortable discussing something so private ("How are you going to get your boobs into something strapless?!" "Err, I'm not? And when the hell did it become any of your business?"). I did lose a bunch of weight before the wedding for various unrelated reasons and my horror now comes from the 'when you going to pile it all back on' questions. "Now you've trapped him I bet you can eat what you like" was a particular low point, and I'm really grateful for this post's suggestions about boundaries and how to set them. Screw them unthinking haters and their gallons of (lo-cal) Hateraid. 3 agree Reply One of the best decisions I made was to GO DRESS SHOPPING BY MYSELF! I love my friends and family, but I wanted what 'I' wanted, and didn't want to be swayed or discouraged by their opinions. I went to a bridal shop that I knew would have dresses to try that were actually my size. I picked a dress that looked great on my body. I later involved a similarly-sized and brutally honest friend once I'd chosen the dress. And I brought my mom and grandmother to the fittings. That way they were involved, but the dress itself was MY choice. 2 agree Reply The pressure is everywhere for me, so I empathize. I'm on the fence between normal and plus-size in a family of mostly-plus-size females. I've had to hear about diet stress, diet failure, diet this and diet that since before I knew what the word "diet" meant. My mother offered to get me liposuction before I had any fat to suck out, just because my family is sensitive to the issue. With that in mind, I know that there is NO WAY I am going to be able to stop their comments about losing weight for the wedding. I can't control what they say, so I have to control how I react. I have two things that help me keep it all in perspective. The Mister and I were talking about HIS ideal wedding a while ago. It was an eye-opening conversation in a lot of ways, let me tell you, but none more so than when I asked him to envision what my dress looked like. He got misty-eyed just IMAGINING me in a wedding dress. Just thinking about it made him almost cry. I think he's happy with the size I am, no? If he doesn't have a problem with it, why should I? He's the one what has to look at it, amirite? 😛 In all seriousness, though, he and I are the ones who get a say in what I look like, and he's only in an advisory position. I am happier with myself now than I was when I was sixty pounds lighter. THAT is what matters. The other thing is that I told my family up-front how this was going to go down with regards to wedding dresses. (They didn't believe me, but I DID warn them.) I can't remember who said this on the Tribe like a bazillion years ago, but the mother-of-the-bride in the situation talked about losing weight for wedding dresses. The bride's response was something like "Bitch, PLEASE. That dress needs to fit onto ME, not the other way around." No one expects you to lose weight to fit into a nice pair of jeans or comfy sweatpants. The idea is totally backwards; just buy clothes that fit you, that make you feel like you look good. That's how I'm looking at wedding dresses. There are so many resources out there for brides of all shapes and sizes; it's not true that you have to be a size 2 or 8 or 10 to look gorgeous on your wedding day. And honestly, a bride is ALWAYS gorgeous, to my innocent-bystander eyes, and I don't think I'm the only person who feels that way. This is how I keep the pressure from getting to me, even if I can't stop the comments from others. I hope that helps! 6 agree Reply Discussions like this are why I love OBB! It is great to hear "it's your body, do what YOU want, and only for yourself!" I have dealt with some misguided wedding advice from my grandmother. She is the sweetest little old lady ever, and I understand she just wants things to be perfect for me on the big day, but obviously our ideas of perfect differ. The last time this discussion was raised I just told her that I had my dress custom fit, and it just wouldn't look right if I lose any weight. Luckily she knows I have a very limited budget because I am a full time student, so alterations are out of the question haha. Reply I am a hardcore, hippie-ish feminist who prides herself on her super-postive body image (blahblah the most revolutionary thing you can do as a woman is love your body blahblahbah) having a tiny, mountain wedding where I will be wearing a crazy sequin dress. I'm also 38. I cannot stop thinking about getting my 11 lines (you know, those two lines above my nose I got from scowling at everbody in Brooklyn) Botoxed. It's fucking sick. I have no kind of wedding pressure of any kind and I will be married in front of a teeny number of family and my small handful of besties. I also have thick bangs that cover my forehead. CANNOT UNWANT BOTOX IN THESE LINES. CANNOT STOP OVERINTELLECTUALIZING THIS WANT IN A FEMINIST CONTEXT. Ugh. Reply The feminist self-flagellation that comes with this kind of thing was the hardest part for me. I'm hesitant to link this (both because it caused a massive shitstorm when I wrote it 6 years ago, and because not all of it fits within the Offbeat Empire's voice), but I touch on some of these same issues here. Reply Thanks for posting this article! I've definitely struggled with getting flack from both sides on the weight issue… from family telling me I'd look so much better if I slimmed down, to my fellow feminists imploring me to not let the patriarchy control me like that! I think when it comes to matters of changing appearance, there really is no "one size fits all" method. The little quiz that I run any decisions through is this: 1) Is this a personal desire to change, or is this because someone else wants me to change? 2) Are the methods I'm planning on using to change safe and healthy? 3) In ten years, is it possible I would look back on this decision and regret it? And most importantly, taking a moment every day to remember that my sexiest body part is my brain. Look at you, foxy brain! All those thoughts and feelings… rwar! 3 agree Reply I grew up with the opposite mother: she had me on a scale daily starting at age 10, and weight stuff definitely re-emerges around the wedding. I wish I would have seen that Alternet post six years ago 🙂 At the time, I was teaching a 300 person Intro to Gender Studies course. I agonized about how to stand in front of that course as an overweight woman and talk about body image issues, AND acknowledge the obesity epidemic and the negative health impacts of my own job (ass in chair) at the same time. It wasn't feminist self-flagellation – it was: how do we think about these things together? I think your Alternet piece is a step in that direction. Ultimately: in the US, we have a really fucked up approach to food and bodies, that leaves us in this weird space with all these things that we can't figure out how to talk about heathily. Wedding planning exacerbates all that x100. Why in the world would we talk about losing weight to look better in a dress? We should be talking about doing whatever it takes – and that is really different for every person – to feel great in our bodies and support our brains, which are part of our bodies after all, every day! Reply Read more comments 1 2 › Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Participate in this conversation via emailGet only replies to your comment, the best of the rest, as well as a daily recap of all comments on this post. No more than a few emails daily, which you can reply to/unsubscribe from directly from your inbox. No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy. Biz owners & wedding bloggers Please just use your real name in your comment, not your business name or blog title. 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