I am officially decreeing myself done with the word “tacky.” It’s a word thrown around a lot in the wedding world — even the non-traditional wedding world! People are worried their centerpieces will look tacky. People decree honeymoon registries tacky. There’s muttering over etiquette: “I want to do things this way … but is that tacky?” brides whisper in terror. Tacky: the dark evil that sneaks into your bedroom and eats your face at night.

I’m here to tell you that, YES: everything you want to do for your wedding is tacky. All of it. The red dress is tacky. The handmade paper flowers are tacky. Your custom-designed invitations? TACKY.

Because you see, “tacky” is in the eye of the beholder and there is always, always going to be someone who sees things differently than you. Your handwritten wedding vows? Tacky! Using old mugs as favors? Tacky! Your ribbon veil? Tacky! Your father reading a poem he wrote instead of Corinthians? Tacky!

There is no end to the tackiness. It is ALL tacky, according to someone. Someone will tell you it’s tacky to get married in your backyard. Someone will tell you it’s tacky not to decorate your chairs with large bows and organza. Someone will tell you it’s tacky to have portapotties at your wedding. Someone somewhere thinks sequined wedding shoes and button bouquets and Wai-Ching dresses are all tacky.

…This website? TACKY!

Tacky is the manifestation of your fears that people won’t approve of your wedding.

I’m exhausted by the tacky debate. I’m sick of people asking if some component of their wedding is tacky. (Sure it is! …to someone. Do you care? Is that why you’re doing it?) I’m sick of commenters decreeing certain wedding thangs as tacky. (Sure it is! …to you. Do I care? Are you invited to my wedding?) Tacky: the dark monster that creeps in at night … tacky is the manifestation of your fears that people won’t approve of your wedding.

Moving forward, I’m decreeing a moratorium on the word. When it’s ALL tacky, none of it’s tacky and we can finally stop talking about it.

I just received this message from a clueless publicist who clearly didn’t actually read this website before emailing me, and it’s so funny that I have to share:

[Cheezy Bridal Magazine] and [Cosmetics company] have teamed up to create a collection of must-have shades for every bride-to-be . Guided by [Cheezy Bridal Magazine], the industry’s authority on wedding day beauty and nail color [Cosmetics company] has custom designed Diamond Strength Nail Color shades to suit every blushing bride . . . this is the perfect “marriage” between America’s bridal expert and America’s #1 nail expert.

The “Just Engaged!” Collection is available in the following 8 shades: Sheer Magic, I Do, True Love, First Dance, Wedding Bells, Sealed With A Kiss, Passion Flower, Wedding Bliss

WHAT THEY COST: $4.75
WHERE TO FIND THEM: Drugstores nationwide

If interested, we can send samples!!

Bwahahahaha. Stupid.

Just in case you ever thought to yourself, “Self, what I really need for my wedding ceremony is a vulva-shaped ring pillow,” this site is for you. (Scroll down to see the wedding vulva.)

As they say, “A popular occasion for the Velvet V Valentine is the Wedding Ceremony. The Velvet V is a perfect place for rings, tokens representing hopes for the union, or other ritual items.” All for the low, low price of $175!

(I kid, but these silly vulva purses are handmade by an artist, so if you’re going to spend $175 on a ring pillow, it might as well be one crafted by an independent artisan. Then again, does anyone need to spend $175 on a ring pillow, let alone one shaped like genitals? Up to you!)

This cracked me up — except for the part where the bride growls “I WANT WEDDING FLOWERS.” Fuck that stereotypical shit.

Ok, so you’ve all heard of Trash The Dress, the photography fad of doing a shoot with the bride after the wedding where she destroys her wedding dress.

I posted very briefly months ago about why I didn’t like TDD, but I realize that I actually didn’t go into much depth there, and based on a discussion I recently had with a wedding photographer, I realized I probably should say more—

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In this episode of Mailbag, a reader explores the rip-off of wedding limos.

Hi, Ariel. I’m a bride from Southern Maine and while researching Limo companies in my area I came across Mr. Limo in Scarborough, who advertises 10-passenger limos. His “basic rate” is $45 an hour. His “wedding rate” is $250 for three hours including “complimentary red carpet service and champagne.” So that’s $115 MORE for the same thing only with “complimentary service”? Not too complimentary. I emailed him on this and here’s his response:

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I’m introducing a new offbeat feature here on the website — Mailbag! I get so many great emails from readers and someone of them are just meant to be shared with the world. In this first installment of Mailbag, we hear from Siouxzi, who had a nightmare dress shopping experience

Hey Ariel,
I wanted to say thanks I bought your book when we first got engaged. I really appreciated the anecdotes and advice. I thought I’d share what I’m going through right now with you.

My mother has stage IV lung cancer and also cancer in her pelvic bone. I don’t say that for pity. It’s just the situation we’re in. My fiance and I never really did the whole on the knee surprise engagement. We’d decided drunkenly on night ages ago (I think this new year’s maybe?) that we wanted to get married. My mother asked if we’d set a date, and the answer was no. We didn’t even have an engagement ring. We saw it mostly as a thing for her to look forward to, maybe in Spring 2009.

Tuesday I got the call from my mom. The tumors are growing again, her lung was filled with fluid, they were going to drain it and start chemo on Friday. After a lot of crying and thinking and talking we decided to push up the wedding. To
November 2007.

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