So, it's summer, which means that the kids are back at it at The Columbia Publishing Course. When I retured from Phoenix Fest, I had several emails from a couple CPC students who are in the throws of CPC's book workshop, wherein students create faux publishing houses and crank out book proposals. Remember when I did that in 2001? The weird thing is, my faux book idea was almost picked up, so while the whole process is very faux, there's some possibilities lurking around the edges.

Anyway, it appears that I've been recommended to one of the faux publishing houses as an author for one of their faux books, and they were even so kind as to write a faux pitch for the faux book I could write for the faux publishing house! In some ways, this faux pitch is better than the real one I'm working on. Take a look…

Columbia Publishing Course
Editorial Description Sheet

Publishing House: BoldFace Books

Title: The Bride Wore a Hula Hoop
Subtitle/Sell Line: Reflections on Life, Love, and Modern American Culture
Author: Ariel Meadow Stallings

Hook: A countercultural goddess explores marriage and personal identity in this fresh, humorous memoir.

Description: Ariel Meadow Stallings would be the average twenty-something woman planning her upcoming nuptials: picking up a marriage license, choosing rings with her fiancé, arranging a reception…if the average twenty-something woman was determined to wear a bustier and lime-green skirt for her wedding gown, that is.

A self-described “word mercenary” who is fascinated by pop culture even as she gravitates towards the underground, Stallings examines the lead-up to her wedding and, in turn, what it means to be young in America today. With her trademark zesty and tart sense of humor, she scrutinizes the struggles faced by many young women. Stallings is hard at work forging her own individual future while trying to balance the demands of the present: “Unable (or unwilling) to escape my parents' worldview, I approach each community with both idealism and cynicism, ultimately finding pieces of myself and my family hidden throughout the contemporary Left Coast landscape.” From the vegan cookbooks on her Amazon.com wedding registry to questioning what is means to be a “bride,” Stallings deftly combines valuable thoughts for relevant issues for young women with a sharp eye for the humorous details in this crazy countercultural life.

Smart, funny, and sexy, tapped into the immediacy of our culture but wrestling with the past, Stallings offers a fresh view of modern life in America. Part wedding diary, part cultural memoir, The Bride Wore a Hula Hoop will have you laughing and groaning at the same time, but is irresistible either way.

Author bio: Ariel Meadow Stallings is an award-winning copywriter for The Seattle Times, a columnist for Hatch Magazine, and a freelance writer. Stallings is also the co-founder and editor of hooping.org, a website devoted to the sport of hula-hooping, and runs her popular blog, electrolicious.com. She lives in Seattle, WA with her husband.

Format: Paperback
Retail Price: 13.95
Trim size: 5 x 8 Illustrations: None
Pages: 256 pp.
Other Special Features: None
Category: Memoir/General Interest

Royalty Advance: $10,000 [ha! that'd be nice]
First Print Run: 5000
Royalty Rates: Standard paperback (7.5%)

I'm at the hard part of my book proposal. The part where I have first drafts of all six sample chapters, and now I have to revise them. Extensively. Imagine two glaciers colliding, and that's about the sound and speed of this part of the process for me. Lots of grinding and crunching and the squeals of rock hard ice compressing. And that's just to get to the place where I feel like I can sit down and do anything!

At times I think inebriation would help (certainly it's a time-honored practice of writers everywhere, and one I've used with marked success in the past), but that only works for the composition component. The editing part needs coherency and cohesion and clarity.

Sometimes I think I'm not supposed to do this right now, but if not now, then when? Boulders of insecurity roll around in my head, and I find wonderful ways to distract myself from the noise.

10 pages of book just fell out of my fingers. I like that feeling, but why does it seem so out of my control? I've built my career about being able to turn my writing on and off like a vibrator; being able to write about any topic on command. "Oh, telecom training courses? [clack-clack-clack, ctrl-p] Here you go! Oh, colocation web hosting? [clack-clack-clack, send] Done! Oh, urine testing kits for women with osteoporosis?* [clack-clack-clack] Check, please!"

And yet here I am, trying to tell a story I not only know really well, but one that I've told a million times in a million different ways. It's my damn story! So why does it feel like writing it is totally hit and miss? I like to think I have more of a grasp on my own process, but clearly I have no fucking clue. It sort of hurts to be so typical.

• Totally not making up the urine testing kits.

I am finishing up my book proposal today. You would think that all my years as a copywriter would have prepared me well for selling my ideas, but I'm still finding it a major challege to write about myself in third person. Unable (or unwilling) to escape her parents' worldview, Ariel approaches each community with both idealism and cynicism, ultimately finding pieces of herself and her family hidden through-out the contemporary Left Coast landscape.

Writing a book proposal is akin to composing a personals ad for my brain. Ariel has ideas she'd like to share about culture and our search for community. ISO editor who isn't afraid to dish out the constructive criticism and preferably has good hair and dry sense of humor. If you are Geoff Kloske or just wish you were, please call! Also: bonus points for familiarity with weirdos. Ariel also likes her kung-fu Elvis action figure and walking on the beach.

I'm reminded though of this quote from Super Hero Blessings, sent to me by Paisley:

All of this waiting to feel ready, inspired, strong enough, smart enough. Maybe the writing of the book is in the end what will make us feel ready to write the book, and the blessing of others will make us feel blessed ourselves.

Oh wait. Did I ever actually mention that I've got an opportunity that's encouraging me to move ahead with the first steps of writing a book? All very tentative, but the baby steps are being taken thanks to an old CPC classmate. Perhaps Columbia Publishing Course will pay off some day.