Because Ann Landers isn’t especially helpful when you’re trying to figure out invitation etiquette for your polyamorous parents or trying to figure out what to non-floral item to hold when you’re walking down the aisle.
So I was looking around your website, and I feel like sort of a poser even being here. I’m wearing a white dress and I have my bridesmaids wearing pink and although we’re not getting married in a church, our ceremony looks pretty traditional. Do you have any suggestions for how I can make my wedding more offbeat? —Jessica
I actually don’t, Jessica — because I don’t think your wedding needs to be more offbeat. It just needs to be honest and authentic, and if what you want is a white dress and a more traditional ceremony, I think that’s fucking awesome.
I’ve run into this a lot in talking to people about their weddings — the dirty flip-side of “my wedding is too weird” is “my wedding isn’t weird enough.” Both sentiments make me sad because your wedding is not a contest.
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A week ago I went into a bookstore looking for something that would make me feel ok for having “weird” notions about what I wanted my wedding to be like. Just finished your book and adored it!
Now I know it’s ok to have an orange macramé wedding dress, 12 unmatched attendants (who wants to shop with all those girls? thank god my fiancee found my dress on ebay so I didn’t have to shop for that! I swear he’s more of a girl than I am), and my one-eyed pug, Magil as my ring-bearer!
My request? Any ideas for vows that are simple, cool, easy — whatever. Thanks! You rawck! —Alexis Lynn Grilli
Alexis, yay! Thanks for the sweet words — I’m so glad you found the book (or the book found you?). As far as vows, of course there are a bazillion books to inspire you, but here are my favorite websites to steal ideas from:
I would suggest using a few of these for some general ideas, and then writing your own. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it!
Both of my (still married) parents want to walk me down the aisle but my partner and I are so shy that we want to avoid an aisle all together. How can we, 1) avoid an aisle 2) still somehow start the ceremony off meaningfully? and 3) How can we include both sets of still married parents? —Jessie
To help me answer this question, I decided it was time for another episode of DUELING OFFICIANTS! See, every now and then I pull on the expertise of two wedding officiants — my parents! They’re both Internet-ordained ministers, and between the two of them they’ve married dozens of people, often helping couple craft their ceremonies from scratch. They have different styles of officiating, though, so you’ll get differing views.
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My fiance and I both want a non-traditional wedding ceremony, without the procession. The ceremony and reception will be held at an restaurant in NYC. I’ve read somewhere we could have our guests stand in a circle around us with a small wedding. However, we are inviting about 50+ people and am not sure if this could still work with this many people. Do you have any thoughts on this or any other alternative ideas to a non processional wedding? -Dorothy
 As those who’ve read Offbeat Bride know, I loves me some circles, and of course it’s only fitting that I’d be all for couples trading in the aisle approach for circle time. Doing your wedding in the round is a great symbol (you start your wedding inside a ring!) and also a nice way to avoid the hierarchy of rows of seats.
As you can see from the picture here (from Vania’s Island celebration), you can make some pretty big circles with lots of guests. That said, if you’re in a smaller enclosed space, I can imagine it could get kinda of tight. In that case, I would vote for two circles around you — a seated inner circle, and a standing outer circle around the chairs. It still means you have to split your guests into two tiers, but that’s better than rows. Making some of your guests stand wouldn’t work for a long ceremony, but it’s good encouragement to keep things short ‘n’ sweet.
If you want to read more non-processional ideas, here are a few links:
I have been contending with a lot of negative feedback from my future in-laws regarding my nontraditional wedding decisions and so I am feeling a little humorless when it comes to discussing event details with casual acquaintances. I do not feel squealy and elated when I talk about my wedding, and this seems to disappoint (and sometimes even upset) other people. How can I address others’ unsolicited wedding enthusiasm without seeming negative or rude? —Molly
Why, I just cannot imagine why you wouldn’t be jumping up and down in delight about organizing an event that’s incredibly high pressure, involves family resistance, costs a small fortune, and takes up months and months of your project management time. What, you mean you haven’t spent your entire life up until this point dreaming of the day when you would put on a big white dress and stand next to a vulva sculpture? What’s wrong with you, Molly? WHY AREN’T YOU EXCITED FOR YOUR SPECIAL DAAAAAY!?
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My fiancé has a very small family, while my family is ridiculously huge … do you have any ideas on how we might be able to help his family (of about eight Polish immigrants with limited English speaking abilities) be not so intimidated by my family (of about 50 festive Mexican Americans)? We’ve already decided that having the guests split up into a groom’s side and a bride’s side is just ridiculous and we’re not having any of that. However, I am at a loss as far as how to diplomatically integrate our very different families. —Veronica
 First, I have to take a second to say that Veronica and her fiancé Luke are one of the cutest couples I’ve ever seen at an Offbeat event. Look at how adorable they are in their matching little veils! So much of teh kyoot™!
But anyway, onto the question at hand: how to deal with enormously lopsided family guest-lists …
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“Marriage is not about the dress….it’s about two people doing what works for them and them alone.” -Kristy Cade
We don’t want wedding bands…ever. So we decided on tattoos, but this leaves us “finger-naked” for the ceremony. I thought I hit a home run with the idea of using ribbon and “tying the knot” to symbolize the damn thing, but he wasn’t too thrilled about that. Got any ideas? —Roan
To help me answer this question, I decided to pull on the expertise of two wedding officiants — my parents! They’re both Internet-ordained ministers, and between the two of them they’ve married dozens of people, often helping couple craft their ceremonies from scratch. They have different styles of officiating, though, so may I present to you the first edition of DUELING OFFICIANTS!
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