I decided long ago that I'd keep my name if I got married. But … what IS my name? I've often used the "Ms." title, and I expect to keep doing so. "Mrs." can, however, be useful. I always assumed I'd use Mrs. MyName at those times, but during this last week I've realized that in my mind the Mrs. title is inextricably linked with the husband's name. Mrs. doesn't just signal that I'm married, it tells people the name of the person I'm married to. Mrs. MyName feels self-contradictory and weird, like I'm married to myself.

Maybe I just have a problem with the title "Mrs." Do people use it when they keep their name? Are you Mrs. Stallings? (My man, when asked, said I should just use "Dr.", but that's only because he likes reminding me that I really have finished my PhD.) -Suzanne

It's not just in your mind that the Mrs. title is linked to your husband's name. Historically, the Mrs. honorific doesn't just mean "I'm married" — it means "I'm the the wife of ______."

If you're using Mrs., technically you're not even Mrs. YourFirst HisLast. If you're into etiquette, when you marry someone and take his name, your title becomes Mrs. His First HisLast or just Mrs. HisLast. By the traditional rules, it's not correct to refer to yourself as Mrs. YourFirst HisLast. It's easy to see why feminists in the '60s and '70s balked at using Mrs. — your name literally disappears when using the traditional honorific!

Sponsor:

Since Mrs. does indeed tell the world who you've married, you're right that Mrs. YourFirst YourLast suggests you've married yourself. If you're keeping your own name, you stick with Ms. YourFirst YourLast. The honorific of "Ms" intentionally doesn't indicate whether you're married or who you're married to. If I'd taken Dre's name, I could be Mrs. Fetz or Ms. Fetz. Since I kept my own name, I'm definitely Ms. Stallings … if you're nasty.

I am planning on designing our STDs, invitations, and thank you cards myself. Do you have advice on great design or desktop publishing software? I have MS Publisher, but have never been that happy with it (should I give it another try?). Any recommendations for invitation designing software would be most appreciated. -Amelia

Great question, Amelia. I decided to bring in an expert to tackle answering this one — Aerin, whose wedding y'all saw here, and who designs wedding invitations (and wedding website templates!) as Royal Steamline. Take it away, Aerin!

First off, I love your DIY attitude! Whether it's because of the rotten economy or because you want to add a personal touch, I support anyone who uses the tools at hand to bring their wedding to life. Invitations can really set the tone for your wedding (they're the first thing your guests see, right?) and it's not surprising that many brides and grooms want to have an active hand in this important first step.

Before I address your question about recommendations, let's talk definitions and uses…

Continue reading "What software should I use to design my DIY wedding invitations?" →

Hey, Ariel. While my partner is getting married in a lovely gown, I lean more towards the butch end of the spectrum and would like to get married in a stylin' suit or maybe even a tux. Question is, I just can't find any good suits for women. Help? -Jessica

Hey, Jessica! I get variations of your question pretty frequently, and as someone on the femmey end of the gender/fashion spectrum, have been at a completely loss for an answer.

Thankfully, I tracked down an expert, S. Bear Bergman, author of Butch Is a Noun (and recent newlywed), to help me address the issue.

And so, now I present to you …

Snagging the perfect suit for your wedding
By S. Bear Bergman
It turns out that many butches, transmasculine beings, and other festive gender-benders would like to know exactly how a person to whom men’s clothes are not traditionally marketeted should go about purchasing a well-fitted suit or tuxedo. The answer, I am cheerful to tell you, is the same as it is for any person of any gender or sex who wants to buy a suit and have it fit well.

First: buy a suit. A decent–quality suit.

Next: take it to your tailor (or use the tailoring services of the place where you bought it). If you don’t have a tailor, ask your suit-iest pal where he or she goes.

Those are the key points.

The bad news is that you will not be renting anything, and you will not be getting off the hook for less than $300 to $400 if you buy the suit new. The good news is that a good-quality suit will last twenty years if your size remains stable and you care for it well.

A well-fitted suit costs more money – there is no way around it. Unless you are a perfect size off the rack, you will need a tailor. Cheap suits cannot be tailored much because they're not cut for it — they're all of a piece instead of assembled out of contoured parts, which is cheaper to make but cannot be altered much beyond shortening legs or arms. Someone who wants a nice suit that fits well should be prepared to go to, say, Men's Wearhouse at least (and a department store or specialty shop at best). Men’s Wearhouse also guarantees their tailoring for life, and carries a very wide range of sizes for those of us who are short, fat, or (like me) both.

Continue reading "Wedding suits for butches, transmasculine beings, and other festive gender-benders" →

You ladies know me: I'm really not one to talk that much about "shoulds" or "gottas" around weddings. But there's one "should" that I feel the need to emphasize: You really should send thank you cards for all gifts received during the course of planning your wedding with-in two months of the wedding itself.

First, a word about why. Yes, it's courteous. Yes, it's a way of showing how much you truly appreciate people's generosity. We all know these things and honestly, they should be enough to motivate each of us to carve out a couple nights to sit down with the new spouse and get to work on some cards.

But in the era of gifts ordered online and honeymoon registries, it's more than just common-sense courtesy:

Continue reading "Why you should start thinking about thank you cards before the wedding" →

This question actually came in as a comment on the post about Hannibal & Myshell's wedding video:

This brings a question that I've been wrestling with as a performer – if you or your beloved is a performer by trade, how much of the wedding is a "performance"? I feel like my guests are an audience and I worry that I'm not going to give them a good enough "show" -Leah

This is a great question, and one that I totally relate to. I hope I made it clear in my Authenticity vs. Attention post that this issue is one I wrestle with a lot. Little known Ariel Trivia: I started college as musical theater student on scholarship. I lasted one semester before bailing, but the when you spend your formative years singing and dancing, you can't ever really get rid of the jazz hands.

Continue reading "Planning a sincere-but-theatrical wedding" →