Because Ann Landers isn’t especially helpful when you’re trying to figure out invitation etiquette for your polyamorous parents or dealing with confusion over whether dinosaur figurines make acceptable table centerpieces. If you’re drowning in wedding woes and confusion, tell me your troubles!
Everyone warns you about Bridezilla, but no one tells you about how your mom will morph into Momzilla! We set the date for June 2009 and my mom’s trying to plan everything now. She’s totally not listening to me about what I want, or what is important to me. She and my father are paying for it. Would it be selfish of me to tell her it’s my wedding, and not hers? Or should I let her have her way because she’s paying for it? -Jenna
My simple rule: If mom’s payin’, you need to listen to what she’s sayin’.
I can’t handle addressing these wedding invitations. Everyone says I should address it to “mr. & mrs. man’s-name last-name” but it pisses me off — addresses like this completely blow past the female component of a relationship. Any ideas for how to be true-to-self without trying to make an in-your-face statement?
I’m not sure what etiquette would advise, but my solution was to skip last names completely on my invites. I addressed them with first names and affectionate titles, ie “Dad & Andrea” (for my father and his gf), “Auntie Cherie & Dave” (for my aunt and her bf), and “Dallas & Erin” (for my married friends). I usually listed whoever I felt like knew better first, i.e. “Susannah & Michael” for my best friend from high school and her husband.
Obviously, your mileage may vary with this technique and it’s probably not up to any sort of etiquette, but it felt like the simple, straightforward solution to me.
I’m looking for wedding party gifts that don’t suck. All I see for the girls are the same old monogrammed purses and mirrored compacts and for the guys all I see is pocket watches, flasks, and pens. How much use can you possibly get out of this stuff, besides a pen, but why spend $20–$100 on a freaking pen! What would you suggest for gifts for the wedding party? –Katie
I’m bringing in an expert guest blogger to answer this question. So ladies, welcome Jennifer from Etsy Wedding!
We’ve all been on the receiving end of some intriguing gifts — my favorite was an engraved monogrammed sterling-silver toothpick case. Yes, with toothpicks in it. What — are you trying to tell me I have something in my teeth? We’re friends, girl, you can just *tell* me.
For the offbeat bride, you’re looking for something meaningful, not just easy to purchase in a set of 6. The gifts you list don’t ring true because they have nothing to do with the relationships between you and your bridal party. You’ve asked these people to stand with you as your closest community; a great way to dream up authentic gifts is to think with care about how you or your affianced knows each person — a funny joke you’ve shared, an interest that brought you together, a memory only your siblings know — and go from there. (If we learned anything from Lloyd Dobler, you don’t give someone a pen!)
I’m getting married in September and am thinking about not carrying anything (flowers, etc) when walking down the aisle. I love flowers, but I don’t really feel like having something that I will only hold for about 10 minutes. What are your thoughts? Has anyone else done the same? -Rebecca
I’ve seen plenty of instances where folks replace flowers with something else — like Jesse’s bridesmaids carrying candles. Some brides walk with a book in their hand (usually the bible, but could just as well be the karma sutra), framed photographs, or other family heirlooms. Apple Bride has some great bouquet alternative ideas like a parasol, fan, muff (heh), or sparklers — but that’s not what you’re really asking about, right? You want to walk down the aisle without a prop at all, yes?
I think it would be deeply romantic to walk down the aisle holding only the hand of your beloved. The two of you could enter separately, meet and clasp hands, and then walk toward the officiant together hand-in-hand. Very simple, very romantic, and no bouquet or other props involved.
I belong to a community of brides on another site. One of the brides prides herself on her uniqueness and originality. No one has a problem with that. But she really puts down a lot of the other brides who are more traditional. She calls their weddings cookie cutter.
I’m sure there was a time when the offbeat brides of the world took a lot of slack for doing things the way that made them happy but now this lady has started bride-reverse-discrimination. My point, how do I tell someone to chill with their “I’m so original and different” superiority trip?
My fiancé has no insurance (health, car, dental or vision) and I do. I want him to be insured and don’t want to wait until our actual wedding in October for him to be able to be added to my insurance. Do you think it is a good idea to secretly go to the courthouse and get the legal stuff done ahead of time before we do the ceremony we already have planned? -Sarah
Girl, I feel you. As anyone who’s read the book knows, health insurance was a big part of why Andreas and I decided to finally get married after 6+ years of unwedded bliss. It’s a sad commentary on health care in the United States, but them’s the facts. (Canadians, you have no idea what kinds of fun you’re missing. *snork*)
With that personal bias in mind, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to be pragmatic: go to the courthouse, do the deed, and quietly enjoy the insurance. No one but your health care providers need to know, and you and your fiancé can rest assured knowing that if he breaks his leg next month, you won’t have to use your wedding budget to pay for the cast.
First, ask yourself…
What makes you feel amazing or really brings out the sparkle in you?
How far do you want to take your “offbeat” look?
What do you want to think 30 years from now when you see your wedding pictures.
Likely one wouldn’t be thinking about dreads if they didn’t feel spectacular in them to begin with. But your wedhead should be something that really turns the beauty of you up to 11. When I do hair for people, even if it is wild colors, I aim to make it as realistic as possible. When you go see a magician, you don’t want to know the secret of the trick, at least not during it. You want the pleasure of enjoying the show in all your innocence. If you saw the stage hand release the dove a little part of you would be disappointed. For me, fakehair is the same way.
I have stretched earlobes, 2G to be precise. Not as big as they could be, but they’re definitely not bridal-jewelry accessible. Even though my ears are larger-than-the-average-bride, I want to play with the wedding bling too! i’ve seen some beautiful large-gauged fancy filigree, and diamond studded plugs online, but I’ve yet to find anything that really looks “wedding day” to me. have you run into any other large-gauged brides who’ve faced this issue and succeeded fabulously? i’m desperate for some inspiration! -Laura Sina
I love it when I get questions that other people have already answered for me. There’s a whole discussion happening right now on the OBT about earrings for stretched lobes — and I figured I’d borrow some of my favorite answers from there to share, plus some of my own findings.
It’s another episode of Offbeat Bride video advice! Woohoo! Apologies for the delay on this one — this vid is actually a few weeks old (my hair is now six inches shorter), but I was having issues with my camera’s memory card. Bla bla bla, technical difficulties whatever — here we go!
Can you steer me in the direction of wedding hair for chicks with dreads? My mom is fucking tripping (which is so completely weak considering that I’m 32 and paying for the shindig) so I thought I’d get her to chillax with some dready wedding goddess hair pix. Thanks so much… I must say Mama~ Andreas SCORED! (Will you thank him for sharing you with us?!) — Reba
Aww, *blush*. Thanks, Reba! I’ll remind Andreas of that next time he’s irked at me for leaving a trail of girlwind detritus behind me all over the house.
Ok, now to answer your question about wedding dreads! Hoo-boy. This is a beloved topic of mine, since back in the day (creak creak creak) I used to have some wilddreadsmyself. There’s so much great inspiration for you out there!
Let’s start with what not to do. I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding back in 2000, and we went to a traditional hair salon to get our make-up and up-dos. Here’s how I ended up. The look was sorta psychedelic Marge Simpson, and while it was relatively tidy, I’m not sure I’d recommend the look to anyone else. (And don’t even get me started on the heavy make-up. Dre could hardly look at me all day!)
Anyway, for lots of inspiration for how you could style your dreads, keep on reading…
I recently received some questions from a journalist for an article she’s writing about bridesmaids. I thought I’d include my answers here.
What do you think are some of the (perceived or actual) down sides of being a bridesmaid, and how can a forward-thinking bride avoid putting her maids through those experiences?
In the process of researching my book, I spoke to one former bridesmaid who’d been chastised by the bride for getting her shoulder-length hair cut into a bob before the wedding. The bride fuh-REAKED out, because now this one bridesmaid wouldn’t be able to have the pre-set bridemaid updo.
Brides and bridesmaids need to be well matched! If pre-ordained matching up-dos are important to you, then pick bridesmaids who are into meticulous aesthetics.
While this story is pretty fucked up, the thing it makes the most clear to me is that brides and bridesmaids need to be well matched! If, as a bride, things like pre-ordained matching up-dos are super insanely important to you, then pick bridesmaids who are into meticulous aesthetics.
I think it’s really important to have a discussion up-front about what the expectations are. Just ask the bride straight out what she wants and expects from you. If it doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, tell her you love her and would love to help with the wedding in some other way, but that you’re just not in the right headspace to be the bridesmaid she needs. No one’s to blame — it’s no one’s fault. You’re better off having this discussion be a little awkward than dealing with months (or years!) of stress around a wedding you don’t want to be in.
What are some of the things that make a bridesmaid’s experience a positive one?
My real name is Michelle Jennifer, but i grew up going by jennifer and then when i was 20-ish my friends started calling me Rainbo. My fiance’s parents don’t feel comfortable with the Rainbo thing, so they call me Michelle. So when sending out invites, do I do three separate designs, one for each name? If i just go with what most people call me, there will be a whole slew of peeps on my fiance’s side that won’t have a clue who that person is.
Dude, just include all of your names on the invitation, ie Michelle Jennifer “Rainbo” Smith. Or whatever your last name is. Easy! …Next!
I’ve told my bridesmaids that they can wear any black dress of their choosing. Since I’m not requiring them to buy an actual bridesmaid’s dress (ick), should I offer to pay a sort of stipend for a new dress that they will probably buy for the wedding anyway? Or are they on their own if they choose to buy a new dress? — Sarah, aka Lady Vengeance of the Garden State Rollergirls
Sarah first off: yay for letting your bridesmaids pick their own dresses. Second off, yay for making it something easy and pragmatic like a black dress, something most of us already own and have plenty of opportunities to wear. Third off: yay for being considerate of your ladies’ financial concerns. Three yays for you, bad ass!
Finally, a checklist for offbeat brides! Obviously, no checklist can work for everyone, but this one is hopefully a bit more slanted toward offbeat concerns. That said, it assumes you’re got about a seven month engagement — some of you are waaay longer, and some of you manage to do it all in three months. Your mileage may vary.
So, now it’s time to print this out and start checking the boxes!
Any suggestions for how to “dress up” a bride with eyeglasses? I wear wire rimmed glasses that are a subtle cat-eye shape (can’t be too crazy since I work in a hospital) and I can’t wear contacts b/c of a medical condition. However, I find that glasses tend to “dress down” any fancy outfit I wear and I never see wedding photos where the bride has glasses. Any experience out there? -Kerith
Seems like there are two strategies you could use for wearing glasses at your wedding:
1. “My frames are a part of my face!” (ie, stick with the glasses you’ve got)
If you love your frames and feel like they’re really part of your face and identity, or are planning a low-key, mellow wedding, stick with the glasses you’ve got. If you’re a make-uppy type, you could go for extra dramatic eye make-up under your usual specs to add some flair. Dude: when was the last time you tried quality fake eyelashes? Bridget Bardot in spectacles anyone?
2. “My frames are part of my wedding outfit!” (ie, get new ones)
Wearing a pair of one-of-a-kind frames that aren’t your usuals would make a great visual impact on your wedding — I say go for frames that coordinate with your dress. To be even more daring and dramatic, go for frames that coordinate with your flowers. Let your glasses be an extension of your bouquet: a visual splash! You could also go super light and understated — ie frameless lenses that barely show.
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Aww, *blush*. Thanks, Reba! I’ll remind Andreas of that next time he’s irked at me for leaving a trail of girlwind detritus behind me all over the house. 
