I really appreciate your Offbeat Bride Blog. I find myself wanting to point friends to your blog and then resist the urge. A lot of my friends are people of color. When one hits your blog it is hard to find any weddings of people of color. Have you considered targeted outreach to photographers and brides/grooms of color?

Again, I love your work. Just wish I could spread it farther.
Warmly, Jodie

Thanks so much for the email, Jodie! This is a great opportunity to discuss an issue I’ve been thinking a lot about.

On offbeatbride.com, I aim to feature diverse weddings in terms of style, location, sexual orientation, etc. … but you’re not the only one to be frustrated by the lack of color on offbeatbride.com. I have been deeply disappointed by the lack of racially diverse offbeat weddings across the web and in my inbox. I see a bazillion tattooed white women, but very very few black hippie brides, goth asian brides, steampunk latina brides, rockabilly native american brides, etc.

I actually brought the issue up six months ago on the OBT forum (“Where are all the OBBs of color?”), and brides from a range of ethnic backgrounds weighed in with their theories on why I might be finding less offbeat brides of color online, and what I could do to attract more to the site. Here were a few of their thoughts:

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This was originally posted as a comment to the “Your wedding is tacky” post, but I think it’s important and wanted to take the time to answer it publicly.

…While I at first did enjoy this blog’s celebration of all things unique and offbeat, Ariel’s recent increasing blowups on any negative comments is, frankly, off putting. Any post on any subject is going to evoke negative AND positive reactions from people. Freaking out whenever people comment negatively, whether using “tacky” or not, is ITSELF unwelcoming of discussion.

I enjoyed this blog because it gave me inspiration for various ideas I could ponder and decide whether to include or exclude them with my wedding. And even though it is MY wedding, I still care what other people think, because this wedding is a celebration for my whole family. They’re giving time and money and traveling a long distance to be with me, I want them to have as much fun as possible. So yes, I find value even when people react negatively to different wedding ideas, and I even find value when people use the word “Tacky”

Demanding that every comment flower praise on the couple’s wedding choices isn’t offbeat, it is typical selfish bridal behavior. -Elizabeth

Elizabeth, I totally hear you and it’s definitely a balance I struggle with when thinking about offbeat editorial and moderation strategy. Honestly: it’s not like I love every single nontraditional wedding I see. It’s not like I’ve never looked at a wedding photo and thought “Woah! Bleah!” But ultimately my goal has always been acting as a cheerleader and supporter of nontraditional couples.

From the introduction of my book:

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Ariel,
I received my copy of Offbeat Bride in the mail yesterday and am already more than halfway through it. I just wanted to say.. THANK YOU.

My partner Georgia and I are far from traditional - we’re gay, which is probably the biggest (and most exciting) challenge in planning a wedding (yes, a real wedding - thank you Canada!!!). She’s the long-haired, broken-shit-fixin’, boy-clothes-wearin’, hairy-legged, likes to be spooned gender enigma, and I’m the equally puzzling short haired, boy’s-name-havin’, makeup-loving girly girl. Needless to say, we’re throwing most tradition right out the window.

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Hi, Ariel. I just wanted to express thanks to you for saving me from my mother. She had been pestering me to carry flowers, which I had absolutely no interest in at all, whatsoever. After many impassioned pleas and fights, I decided to email her a link to offbeatbride — particularly the response you wrote to the girl who didn’t want to carry anything on her trip down the aisle.

My mother called me and told me that she had never even considered that flowers were optional — it just seemed like something you had to do. Long story even longer, she spent an hour perusing the site and told me how much fun it all looked like, and how she just assumed since she had always seen things done a particular way, it had never occurred to her that it didn’t have to be that way.

I don’t know how you managed to get it across to her, but you’ve not only opened her eyes, you’ve helped me to be more understanding of where she’s coming from. Thank you so much for making this ridiculous and incredibly arduous process a little bit more human, and a little bit less stressful. -Trish

P.S.: When I walk down the aisle with no flowers in hand, I will be secretly whispering “Thank you, Ariel!”

Aww, you’re so welcome Trish … and Trish’s mom! I’m actually curious if there are any other mothers-of-the-offbeat-bride reading. Mamas, are you out there?

I just finished reading your book about a week ago and I would just like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH, ARIEL! I have been having the worst anxiety since my fiance and I got engaged. Between the nagging questions from family…”why not a church?” “why two years?” “what do you mean you’re not wearing white?!?” to everyone and their mother (literally) giving me unwanted advice. We still don’t have any details about our nuptials but I finally feel like I wont have a meltdown while we plan the wedding we want. I’m sure you hear this all the time, but again, thank you thank you thank you! You saved this weirdo girl and her punk lover from going insane. Love, Beth (& Ace)

*sniffle* You’re welcome, Beth (& Ace). Thanks for making my day.

I am a totally offbeat bride wanna-be … completely trapped in a semi-traditional girl. Last week I sent out save the date cards. Awesome — designed using my Photoshop skills, picture of us, love it. Then came the mailing. I went to Target to buy a sharpie to write the addresses on the envelopes. I almost paid $12 for a pack of 15 Sharpies because I wanted the brown one. Why the brown one? Because it matches the wedding color scheme.

Sometimes I need to be saved from myself. Thanks for the site — it really helps me keep perspective sometimes and be true to who we are and what we want. From reminding myself that it’s much more sane to buy a $1 black sharpie to making me feel like it’s ok not to want to talk about my wedding 24/7, you’re doing wonders for us girls who haven’t quite crossed the “I’m wearing a red dress if I damn well please” line yet. So thank you for supporting my semi-independentness. — Les

P.S. I realize that purchasing a black sharpie over a brown one doesn’t make me an independent bride, but it shows me that I haven’t completely gone over to the dark side.

Les, you are so welcome for the inspiration and perspective. To me, offbeat isn’t a toggle switch — it’s not an are or aren’t. It’s not a contest. It’s all shades of grey and what’s important is thinking for yourself and making decisions based on your own beliefs and values instead of the defaults that are spoon-fed to brides everywhere. Regardless, this site is here to inspire and challenge all brides who need a little more offbeat in their lives … not just the red dress wearers.

Another installment of Mailbag!

Hey Ariel … I just want to say thank you. I am with a great guy and have slowly been planning my wedding with him for a couple years now. I was never ‘that girl’ who dreamt of her wedding since the age of 3… so when we started talking marriage, I completely dove into all the books and magazines I could get my hands on. I’ve been gathering images and stories to try to make ‘our day’ as much about us as possible.

I even joined a couple wedding websites (which I will not name) and posted some of my ideas to see what other women had to say… To my surprise, my unique ideas were not as appreciated as I would’ve thought. Although I was up for constructive criticism from other brides, I was NOT up to having grown women pick apart my entire life.

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Hey Ariel,
So I know you have to get like a ton of messages a day telling you how awesome your book is (and it is) but I have to tell you that I am impressed with something else all together. The thing I am impressed with is you give great economic planning advice (other books do not honestly address this issue). It is so on the money its crazy.

I work as a financial consultant/stockbroker and you have no idea how many times I see parents tapping into the retirement money to pay for an over the top wedding. They not only usually have to take a tax penalty, but they do themselves a great disservice in the end or the couple themselves goes into major debt. You give brides something to think about by encouraging them to not have this fake dream day. Finances are the number 1 reason for divorce is the US so why start that problem. Student loans are bad enough. Anywho, I just wanted to thank you for getting people to think about the cost. -Zan

Aww, Zan — thank you so much! I’m not the biggest money whizz by a long shot (you should have seen the hole of consumer debt I dug for myself in my early 20s — ouch.), but it seems like common sense to me that it’s a bad idea to put yourself into debt for an afternoon party. Yes, its a wedding. Yes, it’s exciting. Yes, you want to make it awesome. But the thousands and thousands of dollars you could spend on favors, decorations, ring pillows, etc, could be put towards a down payment on a house … you get one afternoon party OR you get a place to live.

I know which I chose. And I know which way I encourage others!

Thanks again for the sweet words — and offbeat brides, what’s the ONE smartest thing you’ve done to keep your expenses down?