I'm at the hard part of my book proposal. The part where I have first drafts of all six sample chapters, and now I have to revise them. Extensively. Imagine two glaciers colliding, and that's about the sound and speed of this part of the process for me. Lots of grinding and crunching and the squeals of rock hard ice compressing. And that's just to get to the place where I feel like I can sit down and do anything!

At times I think inebriation would help (certainly it's a time-honored practice of writers everywhere, and one I've used with marked success in the past), but that only works for the composition component. The editing part needs coherency and cohesion and clarity.

Sometimes I think I'm not supposed to do this right now, but if not now, then when? Boulders of insecurity roll around in my head, and I find wonderful ways to distract myself from the noise.

10 pages of book just fell out of my fingers. I like that feeling, but why does it seem so out of my control? I've built my career about being able to turn my writing on and off like a vibrator; being able to write about any topic on command. "Oh, telecom training courses? [clack-clack-clack, ctrl-p] Here you go! Oh, colocation web hosting? [clack-clack-clack, send] Done! Oh, urine testing kits for women with osteoporosis?* [clack-clack-clack] Check, please!"

And yet here I am, trying to tell a story I not only know really well, but one that I've told a million times in a million different ways. It's my damn story! So why does it feel like writing it is totally hit and miss? I like to think I have more of a grasp on my own process, but clearly I have no fucking clue. It sort of hurts to be so typical.

• Totally not making up the urine testing kits.

I am finishing up my book proposal today. You would think that all my years as a copywriter would have prepared me well for selling my ideas, but I'm still finding it a major challege to write about myself in third person. Unable (or unwilling) to escape her parents' worldview, Ariel approaches each community with both idealism and cynicism, ultimately finding pieces of herself and her family hidden through-out the contemporary Left Coast landscape.

Writing a book proposal is akin to composing a personals ad for my brain. Ariel has ideas she'd like to share about culture and our search for community. ISO editor who isn't afraid to dish out the constructive criticism and preferably has good hair and dry sense of humor. If you are Geoff Kloske or just wish you were, please call! Also: bonus points for familiarity with weirdos. Ariel also likes her kung-fu Elvis action figure and walking on the beach.

I'm reminded though of this quote from Super Hero Blessings, sent to me by Paisley:

All of this waiting to feel ready, inspired, strong enough, smart enough. Maybe the writing of the book is in the end what will make us feel ready to write the book, and the blessing of others will make us feel blessed ourselves.

Oh wait. Did I ever actually mention that I've got an opportunity that's encouraging me to move ahead with the first steps of writing a book? All very tentative, but the baby steps are being taken thanks to an old CPC classmate. Perhaps Columbia Publishing Course will pay off some day.