I have lesbian parents and I was wondering how I ask one mother over the other to walk me down the aisle? I am planning on asking my 'other' mother, that is my non-birth mother, to honor the special relationship we have. But even the thought of it makes me feel like I am, 1) totally giving into lesbian parent stereotypes by asking her to fill a traditional 'father' role, and 2) leaving my birth-mother out of the ceremony. Have any other children of gay parents struggled with this dilemma? -Carmen

My husband, who also has two moms, lucked out on not having to deal with this particular challenge — his "other mother" Susan is quite shy, and making her get up in front of a crowd during our ceremony was her worst nightmare. We had Dre's mom Nancy act as our ring-bearer (and my bouquet holder) during the ring exchange, while Susan happily watched from her spot on the lawn.

For your situation, one option would be to create a wonderful role for your biological mother in the ceremony, because you're right: asking one mother and not the other has the potential ruffle some feathers. If you find a well-suited way for her to participate in the ceremony, it'll likely be less of an issue that your other mother is involved in the traditional "dad" role. I don't know your mom, so I'm not sure what the best suggestion is here — my mother is super musical and loves an audience, so she sang our recessional song.

If you want to avoid the "lesbian dad" gender issues of having your other mother step into the typical father role, then I'd advise having them BOTH walk you down the aisle! Jewish brides are traditionally walked down the aisle by both parents, and if Andreas and I hadn't walked down the aisle together, I would have borrowed the "both parents" tradition.

Also, it would behoove you to talk to your biological mother about this — it may be that, like Dre's other mother, she doesn't WANT to be part of the ceremony and would rather have the luxury of just watching. Alternately, she may have ideas for how she wants to get involved that wouldn't cross your mind.

As a rule, I avoid posting wedding memes that are making the rounds elsewhere (this video was on CNN and the couple appeared on Good Morning America and the Today Show, for goodness sake!), but I've received so many dozens of emails about this that I don't think I have any choice.

So I'll wave my little white editorial standards flag in surrender and just say, for those of you who may have missed this elsewhere, here's Jill & Kevin's wonderful dancing wedding entrance video:

My parents were divorced when I was very young, and a family friend stepped in to take my father's place in my life. I still see this man as a father figure, more so one than my biological father. The other man who helped raise me is gay, and at this point in his life knows he isn't going to have any children, and sees my brother and I as his children instead. When I asked he agreed to walk me down the aisle, but I don't know how to break that to my biological father, who I DON'T want to walk me down the aisle. Period.

How do I tell my biological father that another man who did more raising of me is going to walk me down the aisle instead of him? -Ellie

Ellie, I think it's wonderful that you've chosen the man who you feel is a positive father figure in your life to walk you down the aisle. Walking someone down their wedding aisle is privilege, not a blood right — one that you feel this Other Dad clearly earned in his role raising you.

As for how to break it down for bio-dad, here's my advice…

Continue reading "How to tell dad that another man is walking you down the aisle" →

Here's the ultimate DIY wedding bouquet idea: as your guests enter your ceremony venue, give each of them a flower. Or you could even ask each guest to bring a flower as their gift!

Then, when you walk to the altar, you can stop to collect a flower from each guest … assembling your community bouquet as you go.

This gives you an awesome opportunity to acknowledge and involve each guest while building the ultimate diy bouquet — I like this way better than a receiving line.

(Thanks to levinine for the photo!)

Both of my (still married) parents want to walk me down the aisle but my partner and I are so shy that we want to avoid an aisle all together. How can we, 1) avoid an aisle 2) still somehow start the ceremony off meaningfully? and 3) How can we include both sets of still married parents? —Jessie

To help me answer this question, I decided it was time for another episode of DUELING OFFICIANTS! See, every now and then I pull on the expertise of two wedding officiants — my parents! They're both Internet-ordained ministers, and between the two of them they've married dozens of people, often helping couple craft their ceremonies from scratch. They have different styles of officiating, though, so you'll get differing views.

Continue reading "Aisle-free ceremony" →