When I get married, I am not planning on changing my name. Our families are not forward-thinking and are bound to assume I will take my future husband's last name. My family tends to give money/checks at weddings and I am concerned that they will write out checks to "Mr. and Mrs…" and we wont be able to deposit them. How do we let our families know that I'm keeping my name with out mentioning gifts on the invitation? -Ticia

Ah, the never-ending offbeat bride issue of last names. This specific issue's actually got an easy solution: there's no need to mention gifts or last names on the invitation. If you receive checks written out to "Mr. & Mrs. His Last Name," just have your then-husband sign the back of the checks to deposit them. When checks are written to two people, only one person needs to sign the back. Easy peasy.

But there's a larger issue, of course: letting your families know after the wedding that you're keeping your last name. That's got a relatively easy solution, too… thank you cards, which offer two opportunities to share the news:

• Your return address on the envelope should include both of your full names.
• Sign the cards with your full names — and you want to really drive the point home, draw a little arrow to your last name and note: Yep, I kept my last name!

Ultimately, it will likely still take your families a while to fully get it. But this will ensure that you've done your part to get the news out there.

Oh and PS: For those of you (brides, grooms, straight, gay, whoever) who are leaning towards changing your last names, I'm now partnering to offer offbeat name-changing kits.

I decided long ago that I'd keep my name if I got married. But … what IS my name? I've often used the "Ms." title, and I expect to keep doing so. "Mrs." can, however, be useful. I always assumed I'd use Mrs. MyName at those times, but during this last week I've realized that in my mind the Mrs. title is inextricably linked with the husband's name. Mrs. doesn't just signal that I'm married, it tells people the name of the person I'm married to. Mrs. MyName feels self-contradictory and weird, like I'm married to myself.

Maybe I just have a problem with the title "Mrs." Do people use it when they keep their name? Are you Mrs. Stallings? (My man, when asked, said I should just use "Dr.", but that's only because he likes reminding me that I really have finished my PhD.) -Suzanne

It's not just in your mind that the Mrs. title is linked to your husband's name. Historically, the Mrs. honorific doesn't just mean "I'm married" — it means "I'm the the wife of ______."

If you're using Mrs., technically you're not even Mrs. YourFirst HisLast. If you're into etiquette, when you marry someone and take his name, your title becomes Mrs. His First HisLast or just Mrs. HisLast. By the traditional rules, it's not correct to refer to yourself as Mrs. YourFirst HisLast. It's easy to see why feminists in the '60s and '70s balked at using Mrs. — your name literally disappears when using the traditional honorific!

Sponsor:

Since Mrs. does indeed tell the world who you've married, you're right that Mrs. YourFirst YourLast suggests you've married yourself. If you're keeping your own name, you stick with Ms. YourFirst YourLast. The honorific of "Ms" intentionally doesn't indicate whether you're married or who you're married to. If I'd taken Dre's name, I could be Mrs. Fetz or Ms. Fetz. Since I kept my own name, I'm definitely Ms. Stallings … if you're nasty.

Recommended reading from the Globe & Mail today: I took my wife's last name by Josiah Neufeld:

So far the name change hasn't cost me more than a few hours of paperwork, some explanations to public officials and a few strained conversations with brittle relatives who think I've joined a matrilineal cult. I still feel like myself. My identity remains intact. Marriage will demand larger sacrifices than this, I expect.

Read the full article, and thanks to Michelle for passing this my way.

You know you're an offbeat bride when…

By Cassie…

…you ask your engaged friend, "What are your centerpieces going to be, and how are you making them?" and she looks at you funny and says the florist is bringing them. Then you remember, oh yeah, centerpieces are traditionally beautiful flower arrangements brought in by florists, not the homemade concoctions made from a combination of dried gourds, vintage buttons, wind-up toys, and mini cast-iron bicycles that you were planning on.

…your relatives think your engagement must be off just because they can't find a wedding website/registry for you on The Knot.

…you ask a bride-to-be what color her dress is and she says, "Like, do you mean ivory vs. white?" and you remember not everyone considers red/purple/rainbow/polka-dotted dresses for their wedding day.

Continue reading "You know you're an offbeat bride when… (by Cassie)" →