Where is my manual on throwing a wedding with a partner who is transgender?! Both of us previously identified as lesbians, but now it's "Hey, I don't have a girlfriend anymore but a boyfriend, but I'm still gay, but we're getting legally married as male and female, but but but…" Do I let guests show up and see my big queer event with my male partner and have them think whatever they want? -Becky

Hey, Becky. I've got my answer, but first I'm bringing in the expertise of Elroi Windsor, who Offbeat Bride readers may remember from this inspiring queer wedding. Elroi is an Instructor and Doctoral Student of Sociology at Georgia State University with a focus on gender issues, and this was hir perspective:

Becky really should just deal with everything up front, before the wedding, so she doesn't have to deal with it during. That way, she'll only have people present who support her and her partner.

If everyone knows her as a lesbian, and knew the couple as a lesbian couple, then she needs to explain to everyone what's up if she wants them at the wedding. It's up to her to set the limits about what's ok and not ok to ask about when she relays the news.

Continue reading "Transgender groom" →

The offbeat bride: Kristina, Insurance Maven

Her offbeat partner: Todd, Antique Clock Restoration Expert

Location & date of wedding: The Willows, Radnor, PA. 5-10-2008

What made our wedding offbeat: Our wedding was off-beat because we did it from start to finish our way. My husband works with antiques, so all the centerpieces were from his shop. I didn't want anything too matchy, and he actually sold a few pieces, which was cool. My Aunt custom wrote our ceremony for us, and performed it. She calls herself an atheist minister. I wrote my own vows, I quoted Miss Piggy (the pig) and Pablo Neruda (the poet).

Continue reading "Kristina & Todd's classic punk-rock wedding" →

My parents offered to pay for most of our wedding next summer, which seemed great at first. But within four days of being engaged, my mom had already used the phrase "If i'm paying for it i will have X" and is being very very pushy about choosing a venue.

I've decided that letting my folks foot the bill would mean that we are going to have to have my mom's wedding and not our wedding. My fiance and i talked about it and decided that we can afford to save up and throw the wedding we want with out my parents financial help. How can i tell my mom Thanks but no thanks on the offer to pay without completely alienating her? -Lisa

I think the best way to frame the discussion is to make this clear that you're doing this out of respect for your relationship with her and because you respect her too much to cause friction with wedding planning. Emphasize that you're doing this to reduce her anxiety — perhaps if you can point to a few examples of times when you've had disagreements over wedding planning, and let her know that you love her too much to cause her that kind of frustration. Accept full responsibilities for any and all disagreements. Apologize.

And then …

Continue reading "Turning down financial help" →

Everyone warns you about Bridezilla, but no one tells you about how your mom will morph into Momzilla! We set the date for June 2009 and my mom's trying to plan everything now. She's totally not listening to me about what I want, or what is important to me. She and my father are paying for it. Would it be selfish of me to tell her it's my wedding, and not hers? Or should I let her have her way because she's paying for it? -Jenna

My simple rule: If mom's payin', you need to listen to what she's sayin'.

For the longer answer, keep reading.

Continue reading "Momzilla and wedding budgeting" →

Hi, Ariel. I just wanted to express thanks to you for saving me from my mother. She had been pestering me to carry flowers, which I had absolutely no interest in at all, whatsoever. After many impassioned pleas and fights, I decided to email her a link to offbeatbride — particularly the response you wrote to the girl who didn't want to carry anything on her trip down the aisle.

My mother called me and told me that she had never even considered that flowers were optional — it just seemed like something you had to do. Long story even longer, she spent an hour perusing the site and told me how much fun it all looked like, and how she just assumed since she had always seen things done a particular way, it had never occurred to her that it didn't have to be that way.

I don't know how you managed to get it across to her, but you've not only opened her eyes, you've helped me to be more understanding of where she's coming from. Thank you so much for making this ridiculous and incredibly arduous process a little bit more human, and a little bit less stressful. -Trish

P.S.: When I walk down the aisle with no flowers in hand, I will be secretly whispering "Thank you, Ariel!"

Aww, you're so welcome Trish … and Trish's mom! I'm actually curious if there are any other mothers-of-the-offbeat-bride reading. Mamas, are you out there?