Where is my manual on throwing a wedding with a partner who is transgender?! Both of us previously identified as lesbians, but now it’s “Hey, I don’t have a girlfriend anymore but a boyfriend, but I’m still gay, but we’re getting legally married as male and female, but but but…” Do I let guests show up and see my big queer event with my male partner and have them think whatever they want? -Becky
Hey, Becky. I’ve got my answer, but first I’m bringing in the expertise of Elroi Windsor, who Offbeat Bride readers may remember from this inspiring queer wedding. Elroi is an Instructor and Doctoral Student of Sociology at Georgia State University with a focus on gender issues, and this was hir perspective:
Becky really should just deal with everything up front, before the wedding, so she doesn’t have to deal with it during. That way, she’ll only have people present who support her and her partner.
If everyone knows her as a lesbian, and knew the couple as a lesbian couple, then she needs to explain to everyone what’s up if she wants them at the wedding. It’s up to her to set the limits about what’s ok and not ok to ask about when she relays the news.
My parents offered to pay for most of our wedding next summer, which seemed great at first. But within four days of being engaged, my mom had already used the phrase “If i’m paying for it i will have X” and is being very very pushy about choosing a venue.
I’ve decided that letting my folks foot the bill would mean that we are going to have to have my mom’s wedding and not our wedding. My fiance and i talked about it and decided that we can afford to save up and throw the wedding we want with out my parents financial help. How can i tell my mom Thanks but no thanks on the offer to pay without completely alienating her? -Lisa
I think the best way to frame the discussion is to make this clear that you’re doing this out of respect for your relationship with her and because you respect her too much to cause friction with wedding planning. Emphasize that you’re doing this to reduce her anxiety — perhaps if you can point to a few examples of times when you’ve had disagreements over wedding planning, and let her know that you love her too much to cause her that kind of frustration. Accept full responsibilities for any and all disagreements. Apologize.
Everyone warns you about Bridezilla, but no one tells you about how your mom will morph into Momzilla! We set the date for June 2009 and my mom’s trying to plan everything now. She’s totally not listening to me about what I want, or what is important to me. She and my father are paying for it. Would it be selfish of me to tell her it’s my wedding, and not hers? Or should I let her have her way because she’s paying for it? -Jenna
My simple rule: If mom’s payin’, you need to listen to what she’s sayin’.
Hi, Ariel. I just wanted to express thanks to you for saving me from my mother. She had been pestering me to carry flowers, which I had absolutely no interest in at all, whatsoever. After many impassioned pleas and fights, I decided to email her a link to offbeatbride — particularly the response you wrote to the girl who didn’t want to carry anything on her trip down the aisle.
My mother called me and told me that she had never even considered that flowers were optional — it just seemed like something you had to do. Long story even longer, she spent an hour perusing the site and told me how much fun it all looked like, and how she just assumed since she had always seen things done a particular way, it had never occurred to her that it didn’t have to be that way.
I don’t know how you managed to get it across to her, but you’ve not only opened her eyes, you’ve helped me to be more understanding of where she’s coming from. Thank you so much for making this ridiculous and incredibly arduous process a little bit more human, and a little bit less stressful. -Trish
P.S.: When I walk down the aisle with no flowers in hand, I will be secretly whispering “Thank you, Ariel!”
Aww, you’re so welcome Trish … and Trish’s mom! I’m actually curious if there are any other mothers-of-the-offbeat-bride reading. Mamas, are you out there?
I was recently interviewed for an article in the Northwest Herald, a paper in Illinois:
From tasting the cake to choosing that perfect first dance number, most wedding preparations are fun and exciting.
But there’s one task that can drive a seemingly normal couple to the brink of insanity – the guest list. For small weddings, which industry experts define as fewer than 100 people, the process is even more overwhelming.
“It’s really challenging,” said Ariel Meadow Stallings, author of the book “Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides.” “You feel like a bouncer at a club. You’re in charge of this VIP list.”
I just finished reading your book about a week ago and I would just like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH, ARIEL! I have been having the worst anxiety since my fiance and I got engaged. Between the nagging questions from family…”why not a church?” “why two years?” “what do you mean you’re not wearing white?!?” to everyone and their mother (literally) giving me unwanted advice. We still don’t have any details about our nuptials but I finally feel like I wont have a meltdown while we plan the wedding we want. I’m sure you hear this all the time, but again, thank you thank you thank you! You saved this weirdo girl and her punk lover from going insane. Love, Beth (& Ace)
*sniffle* You’re welcome, Beth (& Ace). Thanks for making my day.
It’s another episode of Offbeat Bride video advice! Woohoo! Apologies for the delay on this one — this vid is actually a few weeks old (my hair is now six inches shorter), but I was having issues with my camera’s memory card. Bla bla bla, technical difficulties whatever — here we go!
Her offbeat partner: Laurie, German studies scholar and language teacher
Location & date of wedding: The Night Kitchen restaurant at the Montague Book Mill, Montague, MA
What made our wedding offbeat: Probably the most “offbeat” aspect of our wedding, aside from our gayness and my burgundy gown (are those things even offbeat anymore? Please!), was our dress code: we specifically instructed our guests to Outshine the Bride. It was right there on our website and in the invitation, and our guests did an amazing job!
Hey, Becky. I’ve got my answer, but first I’m bringing in the expertise of Elroi Windsor, who Offbeat Bride readers may remember from this inspiring queer wedding. Elroi is an Instructor and Doctoral Student of Sociology at Georgia State University with a focus on gender issues, and this was hir perspective:
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I’m actually curious if there are any other mothers-of-the-offbeat-bride reading. Mamas, are you out there?
