While wedding planning is lots of fun, it can also be stressful, especially when the each partner has different ideas of what the wedding should look like. While I try very hard not to subscribe to the Wedding Industrial Complex's idea of "everything is about me, me, me." Aometimes it's hard to compromise. Sometimes I get pouty and selfish, maybe even demanding, and in those moments, I am not loving my fiancé.
This is Offbeat Bride's archive of Relationship Advice posts.
Because ultimately a wedding is all about your relationship with your partner.
Over on Offbeat Home is where we talk about all the post-wedding-y goodness: marriage, honeymoons, relationships, etc. Last week Homie Cassandra told us about her and her husband's awesome "relationship summits" that they hold every year on their anniversary…
Recently, an old friend of mine decided to have a non-legal commitment ceremony… a commitzvah, they called it. For various reasons, she and her dude decided they didn't want to legally get married, but you know what they did instead? They sat down with a lawyer, and had some really, really difficult conversations and worked out a legally-binding commitment agreement. Conversations about money. Conversations about children and aging parents. Conversations about fidelity and divorce. Realistically, because they opted to build their legally-binding commitment from scratch, they had conversations that many of us planning state-recognized marriages don't have.
I was nearly there, you know. I'd bought a second hand dress and Irregular Choice shoes. I had booked my venue and I was organising my independent honeymoon to India. I had invited just eight people to my little ceremony. I had made 500 paper cranes for my Senbazuru decoration. I had chosen music and a menu and started to stockpile little bits and pieces for my small but no less special day. And then my relationship ceased to make sense. It was a very hard, very sad time. And I really remember feeling very alone when it all happens — plenty of people talk about divorce, about second marriages, about boyfriend breakups… I couldn't find other people who had cancelled their wedding. So, without further ado, here is my guide to canceling your offbeat wedding. These are just some of the things I wish I'd heard last year.
When the girl of my dreams accepted my proposal, I thought that was the happy ending to my single-hood. Bam! You're engaged, it's what you wanted and worked for, proceed to have a bridal glow till you walk down the aisle! Right? Wrong. I felt like there must be something wrong with me. I wasn't as happy as I should be.
Lying in bed one night, sleepless and guilty, I started googling "Cold Feet." Among the fairly unhelpful articles, there was one titled, "Mourning my single self." Upon reading it, I had such a moment of epiphany that I was surprised the choir of angels didn't wake my fiance up.
Look, I know what you're thinking, because I'm a lawyer when I'm not being a bride and I hear it all the time. Seeing a lawyer isn't like a cake tasting or interviewing a band. It's not fun. But if your offbeat family fits one of these five categories, you'll want a consultation with an attorney licensed in your state ASAP, not after you start getting RSVPs.
I never saw an article titled, "How To Deal With The Crappy Parts Of Marriage As Well As Unrealistic Expectations Of Society." So, I came up with my own marriage advice that maybe doesn't make you say, "Awwww!", but later on down the line, after the wedding high descends, might make you feel stronger.
Imagine: You're in a long engagement with the love of your life. Then the worst happens. Your beloved is in a horrible car accident, hanging on by a thread. You rush to the hospital to be by their side and oversee their care. When you get to the hospital, you are told that you can't make those decisions- only the next of kin can. What if the next of kin doesn't know the wishes of your fiancé? Is there any work around? Luckily, yes there is.
I have doubts. I wanted to blame them on the stress of planning the wedding but I couldn't lie to myself. I have always had them. So after one particularly long and emotionally draining day, I talked to my partner about my doubts and even created an action list of thing we should do to move forward. These are just a few of the things we've decided to work on together, and maybe they'll inspire similar discussions for you and your partner, with equally positive results.
I never would have expected that my first bout of chilly feet would be triggered by a beautiful new car. I know cold feet can mean many things, and has an alarming sound to it. So let me define my version of it.