How to fire a bridesmaid #Friends & Family Advice#bridesmaids#conflict resolution#wedding party May 20 | Guest post by Little Red Lupine When it comes to dealing with drama, Little Red Lupine (aka Kirsten, the former Community Manager of the Offbeat Bride Tribe) has held thousands of brides' hands as they work through it. Here's her advice on one particularly thorny issue… Photo by Oliver Barth Yes, firing a bridesmaid sounds shitty. Honestly, it usually feels pretty shitty. There are lots of different reasons that a bridesmaid just might not work out — some that are high drama (like a fight or a friendship ending) and some that aren't quite as emotional (life situation changes, unexpected illness or injury). Regardless, it still sucks. And it isn't just bridesmaids. Maybe it's a bridesdude, a groomswoman, a groomsman, or anyone who you asked to stand up with you at your wedding. If you're in this situation, there are probably a lot of feels. And we all know that when there are strong feelings, it can be way easy to say or do something you might regret. If you're having issues with a wedding party member to the degree where you want to ask them to step down, you really need to keep your cool and just make it through with minimal damage. You also need to carefully consider your own responsibilities in the situation, and take ownership for your own issues. Think about why you asked them in the first place Were you expecting your bridesmaid to be a henchwoman? Were you asking because of what they mean to you? Do you feel like you owe them because you were in their wedding party? Is there history you want to respect? You asked them, so you must have had some reason… but maybe you aren't really clear on what it was, or maybe it wasn't the best reason. When you take the time to examine your own motivations, you may be able to better understand the role that you've played in things falling apart. Consider exactly why you think it might be time to fire them Make sure you really understand your reasoning. Are they not living up to your expectations? (Do they even know what their expectations are?) Are you no longer friends? Do you want to do this for their sake due to finances, time availability, or health considerations? Then think about how this compares with why you asked them in the first place. As much as possible, try to focus on the actions you have taken — it's easy to blame other people, but it's much more difficult to look at how your choices contributed to a rough situation. If someone's not meeting your expectations, is there a chance you were unclear or they misunderstood? Be honest with yourself. Related Post Bridesmaids: honored friends or henchwomen? "If they aren't even going to be able to help me, should I just avoid having them at all?" Talk to them Note that I said talk. I know it can feel way easier to send an email or text but trust me, on the Offbeat Bride Tribe, I've seen how even the best-intended emails can play out — and it's infrequently well. You may be angry or hurt (and here are some tips for communicating when hurt or angry), and you may say something you will regret. Or they may misunderstand something you typed. You need to have a conversation if at all possible — preferably in person, and definitely in private. Here are some things to talk about: If you're undecided about them remaining in the wedding party, ask them about their feelings. Find out what's going on for them. If they haven't been responding to messages about the wedding, it may be because something has come up in their life that you don't know about. Listen carefully. Talk openly about your concerns. Again, take full ownership for the role you have played in miscommunications and mis-aligned expectations. Apologize if you weren't clear about expectations, or had unreasonable expectations that don't line up with their availability or resources. Be sure to emphasize that you asked them to be a bridesmaid because they are important to you. Don't be a dick. Stay open-hearted and patient. Think of this as information-gathering. There are no wrong answers. Don't cast judgment on any feelings that come up. Just listen, and learn. Most importantly, take responsibility for your own role in things going awry. Yes, she might have fucked up royally… but even if your take-away is just "I should have been more thoughtful in making my original decision," there's almost always a lot for YOU to learn in conversations like this. In talking, you may learn that your bridesmaid is actually looking for a way out. You won't know until you talk to her. Sometimes, you just have to end it Ok. You examined your own original motivations and potential mis-steps. You talked to them open-heartedly. You listened. You learned. And it's clear: this is not going to work. If you know it's not going to work, then it's in everyone's best interests to ask your bridesmaid to step down. Now obviously, if you want to remain friends with them, you need to be as respectful and loving as possible — even as you're asking them to step down from being a bridesmaid. Even if you've realized that a friendship is over, you still need to act with integrity. Here are ways to word a difficult message: I asked you to be my bridesmaid because you are super important to me. You will always be important to me… but at this point, I'd rather you be a guest at my wedding than a bridesmaid. I feel like we're not lining up on our ideas about you being a bridesmaid, and want us to be able to both enjoy my wedding together — and it feels like having you attend as a guest is the best way to do that. I love you and I know your life is really busy right now with _____. I really want to support you in being able to focus on that, and so let's just have you come to my wedding as a guest instead of as a bridesmaid. This is emotional and hard, but I guess I'm just going to rip off the band-aid: I want you to come to my wedding as a guest, and not as a bridesmaid. This was a really rough decision, and I totally understand if you're upset with me. I hope you can understand why I made this choice, but I understand if you're mad or frustrated. Unless you're ending the friendship, it can be helpful to talk to your former bridesmaid about other future plans. Even if it's just "Let's get drinks next week," it can be hugely reassuring to know that just because being a bridesmaid isn't working out, doesn't mean the relationship needs to be over. The goal with any difficult conversation is to take responsibility for yourself, and communicate with integrity and maturity. It can be easy to try to externalize it when bridesmaids don't work out, but ultimately this is your choice, and your responsibility. Do what you need to do, but do it with respect. Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Little Red Lupine Kirsten Hansen, aka Little Red Lupine, is an academically-minded geek who works in instructional technology by day and crafts by night... when she isn't playing video games or watching TV with her husband, playing with their ferrets, or cuddling their kitties. She can usually be found with her nose in a book but might just be baking something yummy instead. PREVIOUS Weddings bite back: Attack your wedding with the shark awesomeness NEXT Talia & Charles' herbtastic foodie wedding Toggle comments [ 83 ] Hmm, not cool bridesmaid to be a pain on your best mates wedding day and during the lead up… such a shame but sometimes it just doesn't work out. 12 agree Reply Great advice that applies to most difficult conversations. It's odd how we can lose sight of this because weddings are so emotional. 7 agree Reply Yep, this post definitely reiterates some of the common themes from this archive: http://offbeatbride.com/tag/conflict-resolution 5 agree Reply just another reason we love OBB! you've got brains and balls when it comes time to face down the difficult situations – and people – of wedding planning. bonus that this is good training for marriage! 7 agree Reply Where was this article three months ago?! Haha I, unfortunately, asked a bridesmaid to step down. Well, told her that I no longer felt it appropriate for her to stand with me on my day. I am incredibly awkward by nature, and have a tendency to lose my temper. After she blew me off for a lunch meeting (where I intended to talk to her about the situation), I gave her a hand written letter. Not the best, but I would have likely gotten mean if we'd talked face to face. I think the most important part of this article is the end. "Unless you're ending the friendship, it can be helpful to talk to your former bridesmaid about other future plans. Even if it's just "Let's get drinks next week," it can be hugely reassuring to know that just because being a bridesmaid isn't working out, doesn't mean the relationship needs to be over." I haven't followed up with her. And she, understandably, hasn't followed up with me. In fact, I'm not even inviting her to the wedding. It's a sucky situation no matter what. I hope no one else has to have this conversation. 13 agree Reply Chelseykelsey, Sorry to hear of your sucky situation; I agree that while a letter probably wasn't ideal, it at least got the job done. I think sometimes texts or letters are better than face to face, because at least with the written words there is no confusion about what was said (or not said). I feel I had a similar situation to yours as I just fired my MOH yesterday, and ended the friendship. I also had a lunch date with my MOH yesterday (I get 30 mins during my work day & she doesn't work). She just didn't show up and didn't tell me she wasn't coming…2 hours later I sent a text and asked where she was and she said, "Oh I overslept and didn't have time to text you"…Also, after 6 months after I got engaged her husband filed for divorce. So, she has asked me to plan a divorce party for her but is unwilling to help me with anything. She said she would be "honored" to help me plan wedding stuff, but the 2 times I asked her, she came over with divorce party plans and wanted me to help her form an online dating site profile: 2 weeks after her husband filed. So, I couldn't take it anymore and ended the friendship. I tried to talk to her as well but wouldn't she wouldn't respond, I sent a text. Reply Here here! As an HR manager who deals with difficult people and difficult conversations all the time, this is rock solid advice. 10 agree Reply I was once "fired" from a wedding… eventually I think I was joined by all of the original bridesmaids in this fate. I was actually relieved, though still ticked. I was debating resigning my post as bridesmaid anyway, when the bride called and said she'd rather have me as a guest than a member of the wedding party. [Which is very good wording, by the way. I was still upset with her, but it was for all the things I was already upset about and the mere fact that she was "firing" me; but not for the way that she did it.] I was too upset at the time to actually attend the wedding, but we later got back in touch & we now maintain a facebook friendship. 3 agree Reply You know, for all Facebook's faults, there is something nice about the way it maintains a connection in a way that would not have been possible just a few years ago. I almost married the wrong person. He ripped the Band-aid off. Totally the right move for both of us, as it turns out, but it hurt like hell at the time. One of the most painful parts was losing touch with his family, who were already like in-laws to me. I really mourned the loss of his sister in my life and his/used-to-be-my nephew. Now, because of Facebook, I at least get to watch him grow up and cheer on his good report cards and Boy Scout achievements from afar. His sister is always the first to "like" my big life news, from my engagement to my now-husband to the introduction of a new cat. It's not the relationship I thought I'd have with people I genuinely loved, but it's okay. So, yay Facebook for this one tiny thing at least. 43 agree Reply I was a bridesmaid for a girl last year, she got upset when I got engaged. She didn't wish me all the best or anything. When we set a date, she got grumpy that it was before hers (she had been engaged for 5 years and changed the date so many times i wasn't about to wait for her to do it)…. I tried to rise above it… but to no avail. It ended with her leaving me in the middle of a strange city, and me getting a txt saying: "I don't think you should be my bridesmaid anymore". what are you supposed to say to that? – Needless to say I haven't spoken to her since, and we didn't get an invite to the wedding. . . More people (unfortunately) need to read this post!!! 10 agree Reply I'm actually having issues with this at the moment. i asked 2 friends of mine to be bridesmaids when i got engaged 2 years ago and all was great, since then we have had somewhat of a falling out (to this day i still don't know what i have done) and i haven't spoken to once since last October and the other since January this year. Since then they have been pretty mean to my best friend (and other bridesmaid) and completely ignored me so i think its safe to say the general consensus is that they will not be standing up with me, yet my wedding is still 9 months away. How do i reiterate this to them since i barely want to be in the same room as them ??? xoxo Reply I'm sorry you have to go through that, it's never easy or fun. I personally would consider them not attending at all. I think we can both agree that adults shouldn't act that way. You can try to make contact with them to talk, but from what I've learned with people like that. It's best to just let them go and not have them attend at all. Especially if you feel uncomfortable around them now, and they aren't very nice towards your other bridesmaids. I do hope whatever you decide, works best for you and everyone involved. Hopefully you are able to rise above this issue and have the most wonderful wedding! Reply I got fired. But I wasn't ever told, the bride just kept ignoring my texts offering help, asking whether I needed to go try a dress on, wondering how she was getting on with everything. We went to the wedding and had a great time but I'm still very upset that she didn't just talk to me. Reply I was kind of pressured into having my younger sister as a Bridesmaid. At the time she was only 15 and full of the usual 'delights' at that age. Having never had a close relationship, and being very different, I wasn't happy at having her stand up with me on my big day. When my Mother started moving the emphasis to my sister being Bridesmaid, rather than my big day, I bit the bullet and fired her. Admittedly it wasn't just the jealousy (on my part) of my Mothers attention, but also how my sister regularly conducted herself (inappropriate comments, vulgar language etc) that made me do this. I did take the cowards way out and explain to my Sister we couldn't afford to have her as Bridesmaid (no contributions from my family, so not exactly untrue), but it still caused huge issues with my Mother threatening none attendance and my Sister turning up dressed completely inappropriately, and stealing my dance with my Dad etc. The most important part of this article for me is to think very carefully about who you ask in the first place – never let yourself be pushed into something that you're not comfortable with. 23 agree Reply My gosh, I have no words. I am so sorry you had that experience. I can't even imagine what that was like for you. 1 agrees Reply I was once "demoted" because the bride felt that being MOH was "too big of a financial commitment" for me – i.e., I wasn't wealthy enough to throw a cool enough shower. (!) C'est la vie… I walked as a Maid, and a year later (to the day! The actual 1-year anniversary day!) she dumped her husband, having gotten him to pay off all her credit card debt and buy her a new car. I call it the "marital refi". 3 agree Reply I had to fire someone AND tell her not to come to the wedding. It was awful. For anyone in this place, I'm so sorry. I figure life is a tight rope – struggling with the decision means really thinking about it and hopefully making the right choice for you and your partner. I want to give everyone permission to remember what your wedding is about: You and your partner. Friendships come and go, dresses and decor go out of style, but hopefully your marriage is forever. All this extra stuff is just fluff. Fun but unnecessary. The important thing is you and your partner. IMO – it's important to put that first. 19 agree Reply I also had to "fire" one of my bridesmaids. Or she quit. I'm still not entirely sure. I was getting down to the wire getting their dresses ordered, and by the 'due' date, everybody had yet to order their dresses. I extended the date a few days and told my girls to just let me know when they had their order in so I could tell the shop to go ahead and put the order through. Come the extended due date, I asked my bridesmaid if she had had a chance to order yet- thanks to the power of BBM, I saw that she read my message but didn't reply. The next day I sent her a polite message stating that if she couldn't commit to the dress at this point, I understood and I'd still love to have her as a guest at the wedding, but I would need to know so I could get the dresses ordered together to make sure they were all the same colour (no lot variations). By the next day she had defriended me on Facebook and deleted me off BBM. I guess that was my answer, just sucked that a 10 yr friendship had to come down to that, rather than her just letting me know she couldn't make the commitment anymore! 7 agree Reply I can relate to having one of your friends, that was supposed to be in your bridal party, pretending that you don't exist. I asked this girl who was my best friend since 6th grade to be my maid of honor. She was thrilled. When I invite her to my events she would confirm that she will be there, however, she never did show up. She didn't even bother letting me know that she couldn't make it. I would text her or Facebook her but no response. A couple of months later she text me saying that she isn't fit to be my maid of honor because she has a lot on her plate. I understood her position respect her decision. She asked if she could be a bridesmaid instead and I told her that is fine with me. I kept her updated about anything, ask her questions, making sure she was okay…basically, I was being a good friend to her but…I did not hear from her at all. She would post up a lot of "fake friends" comments on facebook. I am not sure if that was directed to me or what but I did not take it personally. I decided to replace her. My door is open for now but if she continue with her behavior she might not come to wedding. I don't really see a reason to continue our friendship but I am trying to have a little faith in it. 2 agree Reply I agree with you, I love the people in my life but I refuse to let myself be stepped on or treated badly. I will have no problem replacing people, not inviting them at all and if need be, removing them from our lives all together. We have one life and I don't intend to spend it around people who don't care about us I'm glad that you are positive about it all "happy bride to be" congratulations to both of you! 2 agree Reply Is there an article on how to quit being a bridesmaid? I am on the other side of the stormy rainbow having a long term friend who I am BM to, but she is starting to get really nasty at me over things I can't help (she flipped out cause I'm a few sizes smaller than her, have an odd shoe size), and is also getting pissy over me not being able to organise the hens night when she originally asked the MOH to organise it and won't give me any details on what she wants for it or who she wants there. I am pretty sure there is some underlying issue, but when I asked her she denied it. I don't want to ruin 25 years of friendship, plus 35 years of friendship between our parents but I can't fix something if she won't tell me and I don't like being verbally abused every other second. 12 agree Reply I was expected to be a henchwoman after the death of my brother. The expectation was too great. I just didn't understand why a maid of honor was expected to help plan a wedding. She was my maid of honor too which made the situation more difficult. A couple months later while I was still mourning I had to have this difficult conversation. I left out so many other things that I wanted to say due to her seemingly self-centered expectations and lack of understanding for my feelings. It doesn't even feel strange that neither of us have spoken since though we said we would. We quickly went from BFFs in a time of desparation and withdrawl to not speaking at all. We'll be at each others weddings, though I doubt there will be much more than passing friendly hellos and chit chat. It did feel terrible. It still does. 2 agree Reply This article couldn't of come at a more perfect time! I literally woke up with anxiety regarding my sitauation and read this post that very day! Unfortunately, I had already had my icky interactions and didn't use all of the wise advise proposed here. My issue is with my MOH. We have known each other for many years and have been a part of each others lives during critical times. We have had our ups and downs and she is definitely my most high maintenance and drama filled friend, but I have stuck with our friendship throughout it all. Lately I feel like she is draining me and not listening to my boundaries at all. She is completely focused in her own experience and in "all she is doing for me". I feel like her role is coming at such a taxing cost and I have not asked her for any if the help she has commited to. I am feeling like my wedding is all about her and her experience! When we talked all she could focus on was herself. Her hurt feelings and how much she has done. I am trying to be empathetic, but I feel completely exhausted by her and her issues. I am to the point where I want to cancel my bridal shower because I don't want to feel indebted to her. This situation is eating me up and I know I should talk honestly with her, but honestly i don't want to deal with the drama. I just want to focus on my wedding and feel like its about myself and my partner instead of her! Thank you for letting me vent! I needed that! 9 agree Reply I had to fire a bridesmaid but it was because I ended the friendship. It was a very bad scene that took place via e-mails despite the fact that I told her this was a bad idea and we should talk in person. We met and became fast best friends…too fast. I asked her to be in the wedding about 5 months after we became friends and I apparently did not know her as well as I thought I did. The friendship did not end because of the wedding, although she brought an unbelievable amount of drama to the process. I was trying to keep the drama and stress to a minimum because I have some serious health issues (autoimmune) that are exacerbated by stress. The friendship ended because I finally stood up for myself, in an appropriate way, when she confronted me about why I was not spending more time with her. My soon-to-be mother-in-law, who I got along with and loved, had passed away 3 months before my wedding and in the months previous to that, we were spending a lot of time traveling to see her regularly. When I was approached about not spending time with this ex-friend, who was very possessive, my mother-in-law had been gone for about a month and I had been working on supporting my then fiancé who was struggling. My efforts were going into getting HIM out amongst our mutual friends. That was just one example of a lot of issues. One thing that I know I did right was that I was very clear with her that I was not the type of friend she needed or wanted, that we could no longer be friends (she was extremely nasty to me at this point), and she was no longer in the wedding. Make sure you are clear about this! My now husband is very supportive of all my friendships but he commented after this incident about how much this ex-friend's drama affected our life and our relationship because I was always worried, anxious, or fearful of how she was going to react to something I said. My advice is to be certain of who you ask to be in the wedding in the first place. This whole falling out took place 2 months before the wedding and I chose to not ask someone else because despite the fact that there were several other people I wanted to ask, I felt like it would be insulting. We had an uneven number and when that day came, it didn't matter and this person's presence was not missed. Great article! 7 agree Reply Firing a bridesmaid because of illness or injury? That is ridiculous and horrible. I'm sure I'm sensitive to this because I have debilitating chronic pain/illness but that is bullshit. If you are concerned about a bridesmaid's health, ASK her about her limitations and how much/what she feels she can do. Don't just decide for her, that patronizing and inconsiderate. She may not make the perfect accessory for you in pictures but that is not what being a bridesmaid should be about. The mention of illness was vague but it really seems out of line with what this site is supposed to be. 18 agree Reply When it comes to illness or injury, I totally agree you should ask her what she feels works. In the post, I tried to lay out some approaches to take and things to consider in that conversation. (Key phrase: conversation! I tried to emphasize that talking to a bridesmaid should always happen.) One of my bridesmaids was 8 months pregnant and had just gotten off bedrest. In our case it posed no problems — but if I'd wanted bridesmaids to be doing something strenuous (or even standing for longer than a few pictures) then maybe being a bridesmaid wouldn't have been the best thing for either of us. 7 agree Reply I think that's what they meant honestly I think they meant if a bridesmaid is really having a hard time due to those issues, and maybe she may not want to say anything. I have a chronic illness and I know I would feel bad about agreeing to be in the wedding and then my health issues making it a very difficult process I would feel like I wasted their time. But I do really agree with you that if the person is making that decision without even talking to bridesmaid first, that is really not right at all! You should always talk first and speak freely with each other so that you are on the same page. 1 agrees Reply I didn't get fired, but I got demoted. When my friend got engaged 5 years ago, she asked me to be her maid of honor. I went with her to everything I could, as long as it didn't interfere with my job. I planned her shower and her bachelorette party. I even made drinks for everyone and didn't drink myself since I had a flight early the next morning. Then, a day before the wedding, we were setting up the church and one of the bridesmaids casually mentioned how happy she was to be maid of honor. That was later confirmed at the rehearsal dinner. I didn't say anything, but it put a little smudge on our friendship. Luckily, most of the smudge has been wiped away and I've asked her to help with my wedding (we're not having a wedding party). It can work out, but it hurts like hell when it happens. 2 agree Reply Wow, that's classy of you not to say anything. I probably would have done the same, but only on a good day! That is pretty ridiculous of her to do. 8 agree Reply This would've been so useful when I got married! I didn't fire a bridesmaid and I regret it. When I texted her to say I was engaged she didn't sound happy, she called me and said that she'd never met him (spouse and I'd been going out over a year and I just didn't hang out with her very much anymore), and said "well do I get to be a bridesmaid?" I didn't think much of it, but as time went on she got worse. She tried to take control of things, mocked some of my choices, and in some ways was incredibly traditional about weddings (which I thought odd because she's otherwise offbeat). I broke off the friendship a year later because she'd been lying to me and trying to play my brothers, friends, and myself against each other, but I wish I'd been able to stand up for myself before I got married. 1 agrees Reply I had to fire a bridesmaid and end the friendship at the same time. When I knew her, she was a recovering heroin addict who had turned her life around. 10 months before my wedding, she was headed down the wrong path again, and after offering all I could to help her (taking her to a recovery center, a halfway house, etc), when she turned me down, I told her that for the safety of me and my fiance, the friendship was over and she was no longer going to be my bridesmaid, let alone in my life at all. It hurt a lot, and I wonder how she's doing now, but I can honestly say that at the time, it was the best decision I could have made. 3 agree Reply I'm SO glad I found this article linked to by another I just read! I'm going through this exact same thing right now, tons of feels. All shitty. I asked my best friend to be my MOH probably two weeks after I got engaged, even though the wedding wasn't being planned for another two years (and she was aware that we didn't need to delve right into planning and that I didn't want her to host any parties on my behalf). We had never gotten into a fight, we got along great, had been through some life things separately and were there for each other through everything, from the moment we met. And then things started to get dark and smelly. She was excited and happy for me and helped me research venues and caterers and everything else as long as her work schedule permitted, for about two months, before she slowly started to spend less and less time with me. Any time I would text her to hang out (and not even talk about my wedding, just get lunch or go shopping) she would respond with a passive aggressive excuse as to why she couldn't – some of them were confirmed lies by other friends or family who saw her out somewhere when she had told me she had food poisoning for the sixth time in a month and was in bed sick. The only time we've talked at ALL in the last three months was a one sentence text message. I haven't been able to get her on the phone and on FB she's deleted pictures of the two of us together and to this day I have NO IDEA what, if anything, actually happened between us. My dude's "Momthulhu" says it's jealousy because my guy and I have been together half the amount of time she and her guy have been together but her guy hasn't proposed. Is that really a reason to dump your best friend? That's terrible, if that's the case, and leaves me with no idea what to try to say to her regarding not wanting her to be my MOH anymore.. :/ Reply It just occurred to me, that if my former best friend/MOH wont even reply to my text messages or phone calls, getting her face-to-face to talk about this is probably not going to happen. And this has been going on for a while, I try to establish friendly communication with her and she blows me off. Is it completely out of line to "fire her" via an impersonal means? Or if she's already treating me this way is it wrong to just part ways without saying anything? I'm hurt. And I have no idea what to do. 1 agrees Reply Contact her via text or phone and tell her you have something important you'd like to discuss face to face. If you still can't get a response, then do what you gotta do — but don't fire a bridesmaid via impersonal communications unless you've exhausted all options to meet face-to-face. Even if you don't want to retain this person as a friend, maintaining your own integrity with how you handle difficult communications is still important. 8 agree Reply What happens when your bridesmaid falls off the face of the Earth? I haven't heard from one of my bridesmaids in over a month. I've tried every method of contacting her. I even asked someone else to stand in her place. My wedding is in two weeks. What do I do if she shows up? How do I treat her in the future? She's been a friend for 14 years. I'm just at a loss as to what to do and how to handle it. Reply My advice would be this – if she turns up, ready to be a bridesmaid and happy to be there, then just let her be a bridesmaid. Having an even wedding party is less important than your friendship. A month always seems longer when planning a wedding. If she doesn't show up, it's her loss and its up to her to establish how your friendship will be in the future. If she ignores you for the rest of time, then she doesn't deserve you. I hope for your sake she gets her act together! 2 agree Reply Are you sure she's still alive? 6 agree Reply I am in the EXACT same situation with wedding 3 weeks away… I'm at a total loss as to what to do and super stressed out about it :(. Long term friend, but I've literally seen her 3 times in the 10mnths we've been engaged and have had zero phone calls/texts seeing how she could help. Imputis for all this is the shower this weekend that she still hasent committed to because she might want to go out of town that day? No offer for helping in other ways either…. I'm Stuck and Stressed :(. I'm pretty positive this is a friendship which is ending but don't know whether I should bite my tounge and deal with it after the wedding or now… 1 agrees Reply After ruining my bachelorette party (which I planned entirely on my own, on top of never even sent so much as a card to my bridal shower which she didn't go to, or call me/initiate any kind of contact to ask about the wedding), I had to ask my sister to step down from being maid of honor. It was (and is) horrible and she is still furious with me, even though I have tried multiple times to mend things and make things work. Honestly, I think every bride needs to remember that you have more than enough to worry about on your wedding day and fights/squabbles with the people that should be supporting you are NOT on that list. Take care of yourself, people. Don't go bridezilla on folks, but for godsake's it is YOU and YOUR PARTNER'S day! 6 agree Reply I am in this process right now but it's my maid of honor and one of my bridesmaids, which only leaves one other bridesmaid. Last weekend we went away for a girls night that they all agreed they wanted to go on. Then one cancelled – she is not the one that I don't want any more. The maid of honor and other bridesmaid that came with me started complaining shortly after I picked them up. Any time I would start a conversation and pleasantly ( I am not a mean person) – they would just have critical remarks. Then they started having a conversation while I was driving about how horrible the dresses are after them both telling me they really liked them. They had this conversation and many more like it as if I was not even there. They criticized my dress too, which I was really offended by. I love my dress. Besides saying such hurtful things as if I wasn't even there, they also did not offer to help pay for anything including gas and the hotel. This would not have been so bad except for me overhearing them say that they were going to go splits on everything – and then they didn't even offer. To top that off, the bridesmaid decided to leave the hotel at 12:15 just after midnight to go "catch up with an old friend". She was gone for almost 2 hours. After a couple days, I decided to tell them how hurt I was and that I was grateful that they had good intentions for the weekend, but I saw a side of each of them I never knew existed. I would never treat anyone the way they treated me. Then, after me telling them in a very respectful way about how hurt I felt, they basically said they were shocked that I was hurt by those things. I have been thoughtful of them in every aspect of my wedding and I bought them very personalized and individualized gifts that I had a hard time finding. I arranged for them to have their hair and makeup done for free. I was asking them to help with making things for the wedding, but they just kept having excuses. And they both made it very clear how inconvenient it is for me to request that they help set up the reception venue. Now, I feel sick at the thought of either of them standing for me. But I feel like I am ruining our wedding. I don't know who to ask when the wedding is only 2 months away. And I am sure they no longer want to be friends. They are completely offended because I told them how much their words hurt me. I am glad I found this post. I really needed to share this with people that may understand even though I don't know any of you. 4 agree Reply Did you find a solution to this problem? It sounds like you deserve a lot of empathy in the situation. 2 agree Reply To me it sounds like bullying, and perhaps based on jealousy. I see a lot of "who does this bride think she is?" within a lot of social circles around where I live and the fact that they couldn't take responsibility for the blatant hurt they did, tells me a lot about these ladies that I don't know. I can't imagine how miserable this weekend ended up being for you. No one deserves to be treated like that, and especially at a time where you should feel special. Good luck, and I hope you can focus on the good of the day and not let these two ruin things. 3 agree Reply Oh am I glad that I stumbled upon this post. I actually got fired from my former best friends wedding. Two years ago we had a falling out but when my daughter was born we reached out to one another. She has forgotten that while in the hospital I guess out of sheer excitement she asked me to be MOH. Later she informed me that she actually had chosen another girl to be her MOH. Explaining in length how that person has practically saved her relationship snd how she just couldn't possibly fire her. All of which was fine w me. I didn't like her MOH for years and all because of things my former best friend had told me about her. Including things that her MOH suposedly has said about me. So lets just say there was no love btw us and I never hid that fact. One thing that started a complete drama for which I was to be blamed for was her bachlorette party I come from a different culture and being a maid of honor is a huge deal. You are pretty much expected to entertain snd pay for the whole night yourself. All of which I was prepared to do for her because I truly loved her. I didn't feel comfortable being at her bachorette party since her MOH was throwning it. Girl had actually themed a party to be Sex and the City lol We were best friends for years and all the girls invited knew that fact. In my mind her MOH, if she truly loved my former best friend and knew our situation she would have offered to step down without my friend having to ask. My fault is that I had expectations. I refused to attend her distasteful bachlorette party , explained to a close friend why ? Which was a huge mistake because that close friends e mail is what ultimately broke our friendship. Words got miss obtruded and twisted and I recived an e mail from my BFF that I was no longer invited to the wedding because of all the drama I have caused. By not attenting her bachlorette party, even though I offered to celebrate w her seperate from the group. We will probably never speak again and it's sad. Ugh 2 agree Reply I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with your decision on not attending the bachelorette party. From the bride's perspective, if you truly cared about her, you would have attended the main party, regardless of how you feel about the MOH. By offering to celebrate separately, she probably felt that you were making it all about yourself, and not her. Granted, the bride's reaction was extreme – I mean, it's not that HUGE of a deal to skip a bachelorette party! 12 agree Reply I am pretty much going through this right now. I have had the same best friend for 14 years however after I moved away from home ( I enlisted) I don't know if she started changing or if I started seeing her from a new prospective. We always talked about how we would be each others MOH's and how it would be fabulous! However for the last year and a half we have been drifting more and more apart. It seems that every time I call/text/FB her with exciting news about my life she says, "oh that's great for you. But OMG this this this and this are going on in my life!" She doesn't take any time to celebrate with me and seems to have a my horse is bigger then your horse complex. It is so frustrating for me! I keep trying to share the excitment of my life with her but she hasn't really cared unless it has directly effected her. Well I live in a different state now and when I brought my then boyfriend now fiancee back there to meet everyone she was so rude to him! He is from the south where manners are hugely important and its the hostesses job to make the guest comfortable. Well after the intial hand shake she turned her back to him and basically ignored him. She didn't even invite us in for about 10 minutes. Just had us standing outside *IN THE RAIN!* Well needless to say when I talked to her about it and how it upset me she got really mad at me and tried to matryer herself and say SHE felt uncomfortable and he wasn't social and why should it be up to her to make and effort. When he had tried repeatedly to. Sorry I am ranting over here. Basically with how distant I have felt around her, and in lieu of that conversation I don't want her as a bridesmaid. Frankly my FI doesn't want her invited to the wedding at all but I feel that that would be taking it too far. I haven't told her she would be a BM or MOH since I got engaged but I know she expects it. This conversation is gonna stink Reply I had to fire one too. It was a very tough decision. It was the same story: we were very good friends, asked her to be my BM, then we grew apart. In one year, we only saw each other 2 times, I tried calling her, and having lunch with her all the time, but she was always too busy. Long story short: She was never there. I had to keep pushing her around, and asking her a lot of times about things as basic as the dress, she never answered txts, I felt like I was forcing her to do something she didn't wanted! Simple things as: Hey! look at the wedding site! it's coming out nice! have a look, and her answer was: nope. My bachelorette party was this weekend and so the rehearsal, and she didn't attend or call at all two both. I tried calling her a bunch of times but nothing. She only txts, so I had to txt her saying that I think its better that she attentds to the wedding as a guest. And once more, there was no answer. I know me, and I wont be happy with her standing next to me, when during a year she wasn't there at all. It's not a nice thing to do tho, I know she won't talk to me anymor 2 agree Reply Has anyone had to fire bridesmaids not due to a falling out?? I was super excited after getting engaged two years ago and asked my 3 best friends to be bridesmaids.. along with my 2 sisters. My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and I can't afford their dresses, shoes.. etc. The wedding is getting closer and I panicked and asked them to be guests instead. Leaving my sisters as bridesmaids. I also have to mention my fiance doesn't have many men in his life to be groomsmen. His stepfather maybe. His brother is in the air force and may be deployed before the wedding. Having 5 women and possibly no men in the wedding scared me. My friends understood but 2 were a little hurt. I'm still stressing over my decision!… any advice is appreciated Reply I was a bridesmaid last year. Many, many years ago I was a flower girl and my mother was the MOH at my cousin's wedding. For both weddings, we paid for our own dresses. A good friend of mine was just in a wedding two months ago, as were both her daughters. All of three of them (and her husband?) are in a wedding in May as well. Again, they're supposed to pay for all their dresses. You don't need to pay for their dresses or their shoes. You do, however pay for their hair to be done. 3 agree Reply I have never been in a wedding party but my parents always told me the the wedding party is suppose to pay for their own stuff, which makes sense to me since your always paying for so much. 1 agrees Reply The title of this blog post makes my skin crawl .The word 'fire' implies that being a bridesmaid is a job, a paid one at that. It's more akin to like free labour. Every bridesmaid I've ever met has whined about the cost they endured for the "honor", I know I certainly didn't earn any money being a bridesmaid! So please stop saying how do I 'fire' a bridesmaid like its a job. As a bride you are not your loved one's boss, you are their friend aren't you? 4 agree Reply This is just rude. No one forces anyone to be a bridesmaid – you have to ask. If you agree to being one, you agree to the costs and responsibilities and yes, the work! The idea is that they will do the same for you someday. Anyone who whines about the costs and labor is just in it for selfish reasons. 5 agree Reply In the UK it certainly is more akin to a job aswell as being a honour that my one can still decline.British Brides are expected to pay for everything for the bm/moh apart from the 'hen' doo (equivalent to bacorlertte) but then they are only expected to pay for themselves and a percentage toward the bride (divided evenly between all hens), but in a lot of brides pay for themselves. 2 agree Reply I agree, calling it a job, and something that you can get fired from, trivializes the whole thing for me. When you ask someone to be in a bridal party, it is because you consider them to be a close friend and someone very important in your life. I've been a bridesmaid in several weddings (with no issues) and then was "fired" from one of someone that I had considered a close friend. Being asked to step down from that honor was devastating to me, and our relationship has never been the same again. It's been over a year, and I've tried to move on, but every time I talk to her, it just reminds me of how terribly hurt I was. If you think about "firing" a bridesmaid, you better be willing for that to be the end of the friendship. Although I offered to meet in person to talk about what was going on with us, she was never able to find time to talk to me, and I think that was our biggest problem. In the 8 months that I was her bridesmaid before I got kicked out, she never once asked me anything about myself. When I told her I got a promotion, she said "That's nice. So I'm thinking about asking my nephew to be my ring bearer…" Talking (as this post suggests), even just about normal everyday things, as well as about the big issues, may have saved us a lot of heartache. I think the bride in my case forgot about me as a person and only saw me as a bridesmaid. With a 2 year engagement, that was a long time to feel disregarded. When we think of being a bridesmaid as a "job" that you can get fired from, it makes it much too easy to forget that first and foremost, the relationship between a bride and a bridesmaid should be a reciprocal friendship. Reply I am so glad I found this article. My problem is that I live abroad and although the wedding will be local I can't meet with the two bridesmaids in question. It's a long story but it basically comes down to the fact that in the three years I've lived abroad I only talk to them when I'm at back home and even then it's patchy at best. I asked them to be bridesmaids a year in advance which was a mistake. I felt pressured because two other friends within the same circle are also bridesmaids and there was this general assumption that they all would be. I have now not heard from them AT ALL (via FB, email or phone) in eight months and the wedding is taking place in four. They haven't ordered their dresses yet and I'm glad I at least don't have to worry about that, I would gladly reimburse them if that were the case. I've struggled with how to approach this issue for months and this article really helped. At this point I think I'm going to be forced to send a well worded e-mail. It was also refreshing to see how many people have struggled with this issue. I've felt very stressed about it for the last few months but feel better knowing I'm not alone. 2 agree Reply What do you do when you ask someone to be a BM and they don't say yes? My fiance proposed right before my birthday. I asked 4 out of 6 BM via facetime/skype since they don't live closely anymore and I never know when i get to see them in person again. The other 2 I asked at my birthday hang out at the same time since I didn't know when I was going to get a chance again. They both went "uuuhhhh" and turned to each other. All the others said yes with excitement and it really hurt. They said to ask again when it gets closer. That night after everyone left and when my fiance and I went to bed I told him and balled my eyes out. It still hurts like hell and I still get all misty eyed. One i have been bestys with since senior year of high school the other is just one of the main girls in our circle. It really sucks because im trying so hard but i see them so close now and I feel no matter what I do or say i feel like im being left in the dust. We still haven't set a date because it all depends when he finishes getting his degree. I feel lost, confused, hurt and kinda almost betrayed. Advice? Thoughts? Anything please? Reply I think the "conversation" aspect of this article goes both ways, and may really go a long way in solving the issue. I have had girlfriends who have had absolute nightmare experiences being bridesmaids– whether it be the unexpected financial strain, a time commitment they didn't expect, the friend they knew morphing into a demanding bridezilla, the list goes on. I also know girls who have gotten themselves into juggling too many weddings and not been able to give the time they would have wanted to each of their friends. I have one close girlfriend who pulled me aside after I got engaged and basically said "I love you, and I want to be a part of all of this, but please do not ask me to be a bridesmaid." She went on to offer to still be involved as a friend, just didn't want the trappings of a BM. I have known her long enough to know that this isn't coming from a place of malice, it is not a reflection of the value of our friendship, it's just her personal stance on being in a wedding party. She has already been a fantastic sounding board in my planning process and I look forward to having her as a guest at my wedding. Asking someone to be your bridesmaid is an honor, but it's also a commitment. It may be worthwhile to talk to these girls over coffee, ask what their reservations are. Maybe they don't feel they can give the time and/or money to be the kind of BM you deserve and don't want to be in a position of letting you down. Maybe they needed a private forum with you to find out more about what you would expect from them. You won't know until you ask. 8 agree Reply Thank you oh so very much! I really appreciate it! Reply I can't believe how many relate to this post! Like others, I too need to demote a bridesmaid – all the way to – not invited anywhere near me on my wedding day. I am REALLY nervous about having to mention it, because the reasoning is based on her behavior over the last six years of our engagement. I would prefer if it was about me, and I could fall down apologizing all over the place. But, alas, I cannot fathom having a girl who sneaks liquor so she can be greatly intoxicated at the start of all social gatherings, (even ones where no one is drinking) and who, during a "bridesmaid night" at my home kept trying to wrap her arms around my fiance's waist while trying to offer him beer. (We're a sober couple.) You would think this would make it easier, but that was in 2011 and I haven't ever reconciled that night with her. She doesn't know that the wedding is back on, but thanks to social media, I can't hide this forever. Great help, this article. Reply I will never be a bridesmaid for anyone other than a sister EVER AGAIN. After being told that I was putting my life before her wedding and that that was a problem, I ended up organising the whole hen's do after the MOH totally out of nowhere said she wasn't going to be able to come or help with the hen's AT ALL. I jumped through so many hoops just to be treated like a servant. Brides, keep this in mind when talking to your bridesmaids. It is seriously off-putting. And maybe don't choose your bridesmaids too early in advance – you never know if someone is going to move, get pregnant and have enough on their plate, go through a financial crisis, have a big fight with you – just leave it til less than a year and you might avoid a lot of drama. But yeah – I wish I had turned down the offer to be bridesmaid – some of the stuff she said and did makes me fume to this day. 2 agree Reply I had a BM up and quit on me. I asked her early on to be a BM and she agreed…a month later she started saying she'd booked a holiday for the month of the wedding and when was the date again? She was really scatty and not at all interested in helping. My fiance said he didn't understand why I'd asked her in the first place. My other 2 BM's have really stepped up and been more amazing than I could have imagined. My MOH lives abroad so she's been on the end of FB messages and emails to help. Not this BM! Couldn't even get her interested in dress shopping. The final straw was their dresses. I'd offered to buy their dresses. One I liked went in a stupid crazy 60% off sale for one weekend only on a website so I wanted to snap them up (if the girls hated them when they tried them then we'd return them) and, having tried one on, I knew they came up small in the bust. So I advised my girls of this and asked if they'd want me to order more than one size for them to try. Te others all agreed that would be a good idea to make sure we got the dresses. She had a massive hissy fit at this suggestion; she is big busted and it seemed a sensible precaution. She started ranting and raving about how I "could find someone else to take this abuse" (all I'd offered was 'shall I order a 12 and a 14'? UK sizes) and then she deleted me off facebook and hasn't spoken to me since. I tried apologising but have heard nothing. I've known this girl since I was 5, but if that's how she feels then I guess it's better she isn't there. Only awkward as her sister is married to one of the ushers! I tried to take the high road and invited her to the reception but she didn't even have the courtesy to reply. Think I'd best out of this situation; she would have majorly stressed me out and I didn't want that. 1 agrees Reply Hi, I don't know if anyone is still following this post… but I could use some help! I asked a bridesmaid to be in my wedding, and I honestly felt a bit pressured because she kept asking about it and we were good friends once upon a time so I thought since she was so interested she would be eager to participate. I made it clear when I asked her that she would need to be able to financially afford it and that if she couldn't, there would be no hard feelings and I would still love to have her come as a guest. She said she could totally do it because it was important to her and then a couple days later I ended up buying her bridesmaid dress for her which she promised to pay me back. (NOTE: she lives out of state from where the wedding is taking place). A few months later, as we were talking I mentioned that there were a few hotels in the area that were of reasonable price that she could stay at. She got upset and said she had assumed she would get to stay at my parents house (where I already told her the house was full since me, my sister and grandma were coming into town to stay there) I told her politely the house was too full and my parents did not want another guest because they had no room. She was infuriated that I could not accommodate her and was making her pay money to stay in a hotel when she already had to buy a plane ticket. I also confronted her during this conversation about having not even paid for the dress yet stressing I didn't think she could afford all of this, she got upset saying she didn't have the money at the time but she had it now. I asked why she hadn't sent it to me and she didn't have an answer just became more upset. (when i suggested she maybe come as a guest she said "it wouldn't be worth it", whatever that means.. We didn't talk for about a month after this. I was determined the next time we spoke to tell her I thought this was too much of a financial burden on her and that she should strongly consider just coming as a guest. But the next time we talked she was all apologetic and said she had found a cheaper way to come, have her parents drive her over after their vacation over there but she would arrive half a week earlier than I needed her there and she asked if she could stay at my parents house again. I told her I would talk to them again and reiterated that we did not have much room but she might be able to roll out a sleeping bag for a couple of days but after that she would need to get her hotel. My dad reluctantly said ok we will make it work and so I called her back. I told her if she was coming that many days early, she would need to be able to afford her own food and activities for those extra days because we had activities planned that we wanted to do. She assured me that if she "started saving now" (3 months before the wedding) she would be able to have money. A couple days later after speaking with disgruntled family members who were hoping to spend quality time with just me and fiancé during those days, I realized she would need enough money to cover those extra days that would be the equivalent to the other half of her plane ticket which would have her arrive on the day I had actually needed her there. So- my concerns: her finances have obviously been spotty; I don't feel she is coming for me but for the party and to be involved; she doesn't seem to care that she is inconvienencing my family at all; and she hasn't offered to help with any aspect of the wedding such as the shower or bachelorette party. Therefore, I am STRONGLY considering asking her to step down and just come as a guest. But, I do not think she will take this in a mature fashion and am concerned on how to word this. Basically she is the only stress I have for this wedding right now and I am dreading having her come because she is the only one we have to accommodate such as pick her up from her hotel every day and she always lets my family pay for her when we are out and with the amount of money they have spent on the wedding, I would not be pleased if that happened. I am sorry that was so long, but I am close to tears over all of this. THOUGHTS?! Reply I personally wouldn't even have her as a guest. That's not the kind of person I want in life, much less in our wedding. The best thing is to confront her on how you feel, be honest, but be kind. You don't have to stress over her, whatever her reaction is, will tell you wether she is someone you want in your wedding and life. If she cannot behave like an adult, then that's that. You have to do what's best for you, your fiancé and your family. I hope everything works out for the best, for all of you. 3 agree Reply I probably should have had a conversation like this with a few of my bridesmaids, at least to address the way they were acting if nothing else. I doubt it would have come to them stepping down or me "firing" them, but I always regret when I don't speak up for myself. My MOH is notoriously flighty and flakey, but she was so ridiculously happy when I got engaged and asked me if she was my MOH (I know, kind of rude, right?) that I thought her joy would win out. Many missed meetings and ignored texts later, it was me half-planning my bachelorette party, where I paid for everything (including the hotel!) and no one even offered to cover my very small bar tab. I'm very laid-back and non-confrontational by nature, so I've still said nothing about it, but it nags at me even now, two months later. Speaking up is usually the best course of action, since it didn't get much better on the day of the wedding. The girls were just interested in "being bridesmaids" and sitting at the bridal party table. No one even adjusted my veil when it went askew during the ceremony! It was kind of a wake-up call to being more assertive and finding friends who appreciate me. And not being ashamed anymore when people scoff at me having mostly guy friends 3 agree Reply Thank you so much for this awesome post! I am getting ready to have to fire my MOH (whose husband is my officiant and whose son is our ring bearer…..) and it was so reliving to read that so many others have been through this. She and I have been friends for 8 years and I never thought it would be here but things have gotten so ugly I'm not sure where else to go with it. She's a bit of a dramatic person who likes to get her way, but I never expected this. From telling me that cupcakes are not an acceptable sub for a cake, to arguing with me about what the drink selection should be (when you start cutting checks you can dictate), to go so far as to tell me that she was pissed I wasn't having more DIY projects and "warned me not to try to plan a wedding from several states away". (We moved several states a year ago for my job and are having the wedding in our home state, because of that we've booked most vendors online and are leaving most things to the venue). The person that I expected to be my rock has become my nightmare. The fact that I will lose 3 party members in the process just makes it that much more stressful. My best advice to other brides in this situation is to lean on your family, your true friends – wherever you find them, and your partner and know that your day is about your love and happiness. Don't lose sight of that and it will all be awesome in the end 3 agree Reply … Any advice on a bridesmaid who is doing the, passive agressive not talking fight. I asked my childhood best friend because… Even though we only talked twice a year the connection was still there… But we faded, we went in exact opposite directions. I asked her when I first got engaged, 7 years ago… I haven't talked to her in 6 years…? >> Reply I'm so glad to have found this post and this comment thread. I'm having to decide whether to fire a bridesmaid at the moment. We just got back from my bachelorette party, and while we were away she turned into a complete maidzilla. We went to Las Vegas for the weekend. We'd been planning the trip for months, and I had repeatedly confirmed with her that the cost would be ok, she assured me that she wanted to go and that the cost would be fine. But once the trip came up it turned into nothing but drama. Once everything was planned and paid for (by myself) she started to complain about the trip and the cost. She actually haggled with me when I asked her to repay me for her plane ticket, and got mad that I expected her to reimburse me for the total cost of the ticket instead of the pre-tax cost. This wound up being the only expense she had for the entire trip. She made my co-maid of honors (sister and best friend, but were all like sisters to eachother and lived together, so I refused to pick one over the other) pay for nearly everything (she covered her coffees, a meal, and one of her drinks – she complained about having to pay for allow these things) and never thanked them. She complained about everything we did, whined about wanting to do other things, and would regularly stop while we were on our way to a scheduled event to gamble on the penny slots. She refused to not watch tv on the couch in the living room of our suite, insisting that she be allowed to watch in the bed I was sharing with her even though I told her that it would keep me up, to the point that I had to get out of bed and sleep on the couch because she wouldn't accept me repeatedly asking her to please watch tv in the living room or just go to sleep. The second night she also I insisted that she get her own bed, since my sister left for the airport early in the morning and intended to just stay up. We all took an old timey pictu together, and when when we decided on a print and were asked to pay ($20 each) she suddenly did t want a picture – she only wanted to dress up and pose. I had intended to pay for the pictures anyway as an early bridesmaid gift to remember the trip by, and when I did this and explained, she still insisted that she didnt want the gift I had bought for her. Se never thanked either of my MOHs. The last straw was the drive back home after our flight landed. I drove and paid for gas on the way to the airport. On the way back we had to stop for gas again and she asked if she could contribute for gas. I said "sure, that'd be great." She replied with, "Oh…do I have to." Then asked how much gas I was buying and explained that she this was cutting into her winnings from the slots. I told her she could do whatever she wanted. She gave me ten bucks, then asked me what the gas mileage on my car was and complained about how inefficient my car was compared the new Mini Cooper her mom bought her. On the drive back I learned that she was avoiding paying things so she could afford a manicure and pedicure before she left for Germany later in the week, and so she could buy herself all the presents she wanted while she was away. I'd never seen her behave like this before, but the way she treated me and my sisters is inexcusable. I kept apologizing to the for her. I don't know how to have a face to face talk with her about this, because this is a friendship-ending issue. I also keep thinking that I'm maybe being petty of selfish myself for expecting her to cover her own costs, and I have trouble getting past that guilt, even though I know deep down that its completely unreasonable. I think I know what needs to be done, I just don't know how to do it. 2 agree Reply What strangely fortuitous timing on this post. My fiancé talked to his parents last night and found out his brother got another DUI and has to go to jail and it might be time to set him free from the wedding. I've kind of been hoping something would happen to spur that response anyways, seeing as his brother has a tendency to manipulate his parents (who bailed him out of jail and hired a lawyer after swearing they weren't going to help him anymore) and make everything about him and his woes, but he is my future husband's brother and it's his decision to cut him loose. Still, I'm glad for the tips in this post and hope it'll help with that awkward conversation. 1 agrees Reply Ugh. This is so hard! I am literally dying for advice on this topic. My bachelorette party ended this weekend and I'm thanking god it's over. MY MOH planned it all, but the night before the real "hens night" we went out with my fiancé and some of his groomsmen who were in town. She had been talking to one of the guys and we thought it would be fun. Well the guy that she had been talking to wasn't interested in her and she got so drunk and lost all composure. She cussed out me and my fiancé and told us to go f*** ourselves for trying to set her up and "putting too much pressure on her" I don't know if that is true. And I apologized, but I never tried to put pressure on her I told her I was so sorry if I did put any pressure on her and tried to help her compose herself. There was no composure. . They had just asked us to set them up with someone and we told them about each other. She cornered him in the bar we went to and tried to force him to kiss her and then cussed him out when he wouldn't. She screamed at my fiancé and all of his groomsmen in the middle of the bar and told them all to go f*** themselves too. She is gluten intolerant and drank beer and then started screaming and crying that she was gonna be sick and ran around screaming and crying. She told all of my fiancé's groomsmen that she hated them. It was her first time meeting them. Her behavior was literally so poor that my fiancé and his friends had to leave and go somewhere else so she would stop acting like a maniac. Two of the other BMs were literally trying to hold her back from following them into the second bar and attacking the groomsmen again. I turned around to see her running up the stairs and out on the porch and literally holding both her arms in front of the door to the porch so that the poor groomsman couldnt get away from her. We went home, and she took off all of her clothes and ran around the cabin and got in a freezing cold hot tub buck naked. The rest of the night she was either puking or crying to her mom on the phone that I was mean and told her that she made the night all about her. Literally every member of our wedding party has come to me and asked either why I am her friend, why she is in the wedding, or why she is so crazy. We were friends in college and she had some stupid moments, but I felt sure that this all was behind us. She has done so much for me for the wedding and driven allot and spent a lot of money. I don't know what to do?! My whole wedding party hates her and thinks she is crazy. My feelings are so hurt and I'm so frustrated. Also my wedding is in 20 days. I literally do not know what to do. The thought of having her in my wedding has me so stressed. How is she supposed to see those guys again?! Will she make a scene like that at the wedding?? And then she was mad at me for standing up for my poor fiancé and his friends!! Reply Well, I won't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do. If anyone had behaved that way at my bachelorette, there is no way I would allow that person at my wedding. Not as a guest, and certainly not as a member of the wedding party. Unless she has contacted you since the incident and offered a sincere apology and reasonable explanation as to why this all happened, I would advise you to find another MOH. 4 agree Reply Ok so my boyfriend's sister asked me to be in her wedding (her brother is not in the wedding). We'll we went to the Bachelor and Bachelorette parties separately but in neighboring cities. My boyfriend and I decided that after all of the partying (separately) that he would pick me up and we would stay at a hotel together. He picked me up at 430am, whereas most of the girls were passed out or puking. I paid for her dinner and all of her drinks that night. It was somewhat uncomfortable the whole evening because I knew no one but I put on a happy face and madelete it a good time anyway. There was also a bridal party earlier that day where I was also in a situation where I knew no one and spent the day with all of her family and friends and was introduced to them all as being a bridesmaid. I spent $230 on the dress and after the weekend was over, the bride calls me and withdrawals me as being a bridesmaid because since I left with her brother (at 430am) and didn't stay with her and the other girls I didn't know, that she "didn't think I was being there for her and felt she needed to eliminate me from the wedding party." Then she has the balls to send me a text asking the size of my dress (obviously trying to replace me bc it is too late to order another dress in time). This whole situation has really hurt me bc I have tried to be a good friend to her and she is my boyfriend's sister. I don't want to draw a wedge between them either. I have forgiven her on 2 separate occasions in the past where she has done me wrong and this is just the icing on the cake. I feel embarrassed in front of their whole family and friends. My dilemma right now is if I should still attend the wedding ad my boyfriend's guest or if I should not go to the wedding at all. I want to do the right thing but I don't really know what that is and I certainly don't think I owe her an apology (even though I already gave her one). I didn't do anything wrong to her. I went to her festivities like she wanted but I also needed to do what was right by my own relationship and go home with my boyfriend because that was the compromise we decided on. Please help me figure out what I should do. Any advice would be very helpful. Thanks! Reply I'd be direct about it, but take the high road. I'd very nicely, and maturely let her know that leaving with her brother at 4:30am after taking care of her tab did not spell disloyalty to you, but you respect her wishes, and if someone wants to buy the dress from you, you'd be more than happy to recoup the funds. I wouldn't say whether or not you'll be attending – you handled that on the RSVP card, presumably – in which case you made a commitment, and if I were you, I'd keep it with respect for my own integrity and in light of being her brother's date. I say dance like you mean it, pretend you're a party crasher and drink up! Whatever makes you feel like it's a fun party instead of her special day which you are now just a spectator in. I always find that making the best of a shithead situation is a sure way to feel good about your place in it all. You can't make her understand, nor would it be a worthy pursuit during her wedding planning. My attitude is that people have to live with their bridal behavior after the wedding, so those who think they reign queen will certainly fall from their self-instated throne. 1 agrees Reply Finding this article has been a life saver for me!I'm about to go crazy thanks to one of my bridesmaids wanting to take over every single detail of my wedding one minute then disappearing for weeks at a time.Planning has already been hell due to family drama, and her boyfriend has been a constant source of drama for most of the wedding party. I'm honestly almost to the point of postponing it for another year or two and starting from scratch just so I can get my life back in order (my guy feels pretty much the same way I do). Reply I, too, am glad to have found this post. The part about assessing your own responsibility is especially hitting home now. I had a friend whom when I told her we were engaged, announced, "Oh, good. I've never been in a wedding before!" Then when she asked if we'd set a date, again reiterated how excited she was to be in our upcoming wedding. Against my better judgement, because she's flakey, my fiancé convinced me I could not leave her out of the bridal party for fear of hurting her feelings or risking the friendship. Someone told me early on weddings bring out the best and worst in people. So true! As a first-time bride in her 30s, I'm keeping things to a bare minimum because I realize people have busy lives of their own. When I asked the bridesmaids to find a dress, ANY dress they feel pretty in, as long as it is close to the wedding shade of blue, she said she'd prefer to wear green instead. On her last visit, she reminded me of the divorce rates, suggested I get a prenup (umm…we don't have any money), and condescendingly told me she's so glad she was never dumb enough to get married, but knows "it's important to me." She's even been making fun of the other bridesmaids for being "too organized." Again, shame on me. I suspected she might be flakey, but I didn't see the Mean coming. I've been giving her "outs," letting her know I understand if she's changed her mind or would prefer not to be in the wedding and that it won't affect our friendship, but instead, the passive-aggressive b.s. continues. It's causing a lot of anxiety. I'm guessing I feel as many others do, you invite your bridesmaids to be by your side because you want them to share in a day that should be joyous and fun and instead, discover its bringing out all sorts of ugliness. It's sad to have someone I thought was a friend sharpening pins to burst my bubble and make it all about her issues. Like many of you, I don't look forward to the talk that may be unavoidable. Reply I feel your pain Gigi, only mine has been through all this before but called off her wedding, and has said she wants to live vicariously through me since she's never going to get to have the kind of wedding she wants (she's Hindu and follows it to a T).Her boyfriend has been a major point of contention during all this with his inappropriate comments to pretty much the entire wedding party (he had the balls to tell me, in front of my husband and brother in law that I shouldn't get attached to a dress, seeing as how I would probably be 8 months pregnant by the time the wedding rolls around),and here lately she's been blowing everyone off for him.My other bridesmaid just started nursing school so I'm not expecting her to jump in and do everything since that was in the works before I asked her to be in the wedding.Things are to the point that when the girl in question finally does come around, all she wants to do is try to bully me into doing everything on her time table and what she wants, no matter the cost to me. At this point I'd rather do everything alone than have to deal with this crap constantly. Reply Shelby, I hope things are going better for you! That sounds horrible. My troublesome bridesmaid was making so many comments and being so difficult, I finally turned it around. I started agreeing with her and telling her how horrible it was to be a bridesmaid, that I'd done it before and it was tough. How I didn't know if I'd ever want to do it again, how I had another friend who said she loved me and would do whatever, but just don't make her be a bridesmaid. I empathized over how much work/money/time it would take and let her know I would COMPLETELY understand if she didn't feel she had the time for it. I really tried to make it sound as unappealing and time consuming as possible all the while letting her know we'd still be friends if she'd prefer to support me at the wedding in other ways. Luckily, it worked and she backed out and is going to help with other things. Best of all, she felt it was her decision. I feel a little guilty steering things that way intentionally, but I also feel relieved that the anxiety about her behavior is gone and that no ones feelings were hurt and we are still friends. I'm hoping by sharing maybe it might help you in your situation. Good luck and you have my empathy. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Reply My partner and I have discussed getting wed and my friends are mostly just waiting for when we make it official (not for a couple of years yet – I have some home issues that need taking care of first). One of my biggest worries though is deciding on my bridal party – I have two best friends who I love. One of them I've known three years longer than the other and is arguably my closest friend. However, she's been very tetchy about the subject of relationships, particularly over me being in one (thanks to something an ex of mine told her in private) and her own opinions on "standard" relationships. She's not been very complimentary about couples, particularly ones who are very affectionate and who use the terms "other half" or "significant other" because she deems them derogatory. Anyway, well before my partner and I even got together, my best friend said that she'd hope she'd be my bridesmaid at my wedding. I thought at the time that this would be great – it made sense for my closest friend to stand with me on my wedding day. But as the possibility is getting nearer, she's more aggressive over the idea of me and my partner and of couples in general (she and I went on holiday together and I got a pendant minted for my partner as a gift. She critisised the images I had imprinted on the pendant then ranted almost the whole afternoon about couples before refusing to acknowledge me properly the rest of the day, whilst telling me about her two relationships (she's polyamorous) and how serious they were becoming). Basically, I'm having a hard time reconciling with the idea of having her beside me when I get married. The role of bridesmaid/MOH to me isn't just about helping out with the wedding, but a statement that the person stood with the bride is someone who endorses the relationship and is happy for us as a couple. I'm already having to think about what to say to her when I tell her the other friend will be my MOH – not just because I was MOH at her wedding, but because I know when she signs our marriage certificate as my witness, she is fully behind my and my partner's relationship. Reply I had a bridesmaid slowly but surely take herself out of my wedding and it was heartbreaking. I had suspected it was going to happen, but when I posted on another forum, people blew up at me and told me I was the one being rude. My friend accepted being a bridesmaid, and I didn't have the bridesmaids wearing matching dresses, told them they could wear something out of their closet, I just wanted them to be there with me on the day. She accepted, then said she was coming to the wedding and returned her RSVP card. She never RSVP'd for my bridal shower, nor did she show up. A few days later, she sent me a Facebook message saying she was so sorry but she couldn't wait to see me on the big day. I told her I was excited to see her as well. After that, it was impossible to get a conversation going with her. On Facebook, they were one or two lines before she stopped responding. She didn't respond to texts. Her phone went right to voicemail. I felt backed into a corner and pressured to leave an uncomfortable message somewhere. After I asked for advice on another forum and people told me I was terrible and rude, I decided to just let her be a bridesmaid if she showed up that day and if she didn't want to be, that was fine. Well, two days before the wedding, she posted on my Facebook wall that she 'forgot' about my wedding and couldn't come. Claiming that she couldn't get out of work due to her new job and forgot to ask off because it slipped her mind and she only remembered 'two minutes ago'. There I had been, feeling guilty and horrible, not to mention sad and lost because one of my closest friends no longer seemed to care about my wedding day, and she casually posts on my wall in public that she totally forgot about the wedding and wouldn't be coming. My best advice is to be polite and kind to all during your wedding, but when push comes to shove, deal directly with people who are bringing you down and causing you stress. This isn't kindergarten, and we don't have to give hugs to people who are being passive aggressive, immature, and causing us anxiety and sadness on what is supposed to be the happiest days of our lives. Don't be mean, but don't be a bridal doormat either. 2 agree Reply I had to fire my MOH. She refused to get her hair done, complained about the dress, complained that my budget wasn't enough because I was paying for it myself, tried turning my wedding into hers and was in love with my husband! Reply I had looked out this post as I felt one of my bridesmaids was a bit off with me, but just left it. Today she ended our friendship by text and refused to meet with me and discuss it. I am heartbroken at loosing a friend over a miscommunication and can't process the fact she isn't coming to my wedding. She was also arranging my hen do and doing the hair for all the bridal party so I have to arrange both these things now. I have just spent the day crying because I just don't understand what I could have done to end our friendship and not realise it. Reply Sam, I'm so sorry about about your bridesmaid. This post may help you feel better: http://offbeathome.com/friendship-breakups Lots of love. Reply Thank you so much for that link. It has helped. I still wish she would have been willing to work it out or at least try and let me understand what it is did to hurt her. However it has been stressing me out and I don't have the mental space to be dealing with her and the wedding so maybe it was for the best. Reply I wish that I had the courage to tell my sister-in-law that I no longer wanted her our wedding months ago. I initially asked her because #1 She is my sister-in-law and #2 I thought it would be a great bonding experience for us. We always got along, but have not had many opportunities to become closer. However, when she agreed to be a bridesmaid, we began having issues from the very beginning. She told my MOH she didn't want to go the bachelorette party, she was very outspoken and negative about dresses before I had even decided, etc. My fiancé and I started to get the feeling that she just wasn't into it. We considered giving her an opportunity to opt-out, but were to worried about the drama that the conversation might create. Well months and months went by and it was finally time to buy dresses. I gave the ladies 3 different options and, even though she had multiple opportunities, she chose to just order the dress online w/o trying any of them on. She suddenly seemed positive and fairly enthusiastic about it so I just tried to go with the flow. Well, yesterday she called and told me the dress is horrible on her and it isn't going to work. I was sympathetic and was more than willing to work on a solution (such as trying one of the other dress options). However, she just jumped to saying that she can't be in the ceremony, but that she still wants to help and be an "invisible bridesmaid". She also suggested that I give her dress to someone else. This is 4 months before the wedding and we have been engaged for a year and a half. In the end, I know it is for the best and I would rather have these issues now than on the wedding day. However, I regret not speaking up when I should have and then being too nice and understanding over something that made me very upset. Reply Read more comments 1 2 › Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked * Comment Notify me of follow-up comments by email. No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy. 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