Kids plot their grand wedding escape: a bedtime story

By on Mar. 14th

Once upon a time, in a land of tulle and sequins, young children donned tight suits and itchy dresses. They bumped into legs on dance floors, and found nary a puppy to pet or game to play. Vegetables were offered, kissing was happening, and the cake seemed like it would never get cut. They were at… a wedding.

Beth and Jay tortured the children with their cooty-spreading ways. No circle, circle, dot, dot was going to help here.

Lauren and Stan attempted to hypnotize them with cotton candy. Some of them even succumbed to the temptation. It was pure, delicious evil. There had to be a way out of this.

"Hey, sheep: send for help! You guys, these sheep are doing nothing." There seemed to be no escape at Rebecca and Andrew wedding.

Patty and Frank's wedding had a fatal flaw: the rainbow tube escape route. "This is your mission, kids, should you choose to accept it."

"We'll hold them back. Save yourselves."


Lindz and Jack's punk wedding. Photo by the groom's brother, Ian

The children made their break while others selflessly sacrificed themselves to hold back the grown-up horde.

They may take our video games, but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!

And so the children had escaped the vegetables, the kissing, and the terrible dancing from uncle Jim. But as soon as they breathed the sweet air of the outside, they heard that cake was being served. Screw freedom.

Highly classified anti-escape documents:

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About Catherine Clark

Catherine Clark (aka Superman) is Offbeat Bride's Editor and a Chicago-based freelance web consultant. In her spare time, she loiters at her local library, makes art, and overshares on Twitter and Instagram.