The "faux-ficial" Bridesmaids' Bill of Rights

Guestpost by Susan on Dec. 3rd

I'm planning to ask my girl friends (or as I have taken to calling them, the Valkyrie Force) to be in my wedding party by putting together a little envelope with "Will you be my bridesmaid? Circle YES or NO" on the outside and relevant data on the inside.

One of the things I had thought to put inside was a faux-official Bridesmaids' Bill of Rights, both for a laugh and to assuage any nervousness. Here's the language I came up with:

The Bridesmaids' Bill of Rights

I, the undersigned (BRIDEY MC BRIDERSON, hereinafter referred to as "the Bride,") agree to respect and abide by the following guidelines in partnership with my awesome rockstar friends, sisters, and sisters-in-law, hereinafter designated as "the Bridesmaids" or "Valkyrie Force":

  1. The Bride shall make no rules involving the length and color of the Bridesmaids' hair, the presence or absence of tattoos, piercings, leg hair, or makeup, or the shape of the Bridesmaids, and shall generally respect and affirm the Bridesmaids' decision to do whatever they damn well please with all of the above.
  2. The Bride shall not subject the Bridesmaids unwillingly to giant butt bows, hoop skirts, penis-shaped novelties, awkward dances with groomspeople, or anything lime green.
  3. The Bridesmaids may choose to wear whatever they like, within general guidelines for approximate color and level of formality; the Bride will not insist that everyone match or try to convince everyone to wear Renaissance costumes, Star Trek uniforms, or some combination of the two. (Although that would be kind of awesome.)
  4. The Bridesmaids will, of course, be earnestly welcome at any wedding-related events that may occur, but out of respect for scheduling conflicts and travel time, everything besides the wedding rehearsal and the wedding itself is completely voluntary. (But please do actually come to those two.)
  5. (Wheaton's Clause): The Bride shall generally promise to be pretty chill and not an inconsiderate jerk, on pain of velociraptor attack.

Any and all questions may be directed either to me or to the groom — our goal is to have a fun and meaningful day, and I would be honored if you would share in it with us!

Sincerely, (the Bride)

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About Susan

I'm a graduate student in English Linguistics who in her spare time (haha, WHAT spare time?) fronts a theatrical murderpunk band, plays a variety of tabletop RPGs, knits, cooks, reads, and occasionally pitches in on a theater project or two. I'm both terrified and thrilled to be embarking on the grand science experiment of building a life with my First Mate (who is, no joke, my childhood spelling bee rival. And yes, he calls me "Cap'n" instead of "honey.")