The Onion skewers us: Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

This is the most awesome satire of offbeat wedding trends since Portlandia's "Cool Wedding":

Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

"We want it to be a celebration of our love," the unbearable woman continued. "But we also want it to be fun and quirky, just like us!"

The couple told reporters the insufferably precious ceremony will include readings from Walt Whitman's Leaves Of Grass, a 10-minute silent meditation on each wedding guest's own conception of love, and a forcibly lighthearted accordion wedding march expected to last for nearly 20 minutes.

And the video — HA!

Yes, it's mean-spirited as hell, but I think we can all recognize ourselves in there and laugh at our own ridiculousness. I mean, the part about how they want to "initiate the proceedings with an a cappella rendition of the Etta James song At Last"? Ok, that was exactly what we did at my wedding. Did someone at The Onion read my book?!

If you resemble that comment, as it were, you must see just how many other Offbeat Bride-inspired wedding trends are skewered in the whole hilarious article.

Oh and PS: If you haven't already seen Portlandia's "Cool Wedding", we're linking it again because it's SO SPOT ON. You must watch.

  1. This was SOOO funny! It's especially funny because I've considered doing at least 75% of the things in the article. I am in the heat of wedding planning so it's nice to step back and laugh at yourself and realize that you're not the most special snowflake ever, lots of people get married and like an article on here said (forgot the name) every wedding is awesome/special/unique.

    21 agree
  2. As someone doing a pared-back version of a traditional wedding/reception but trying to keep it laid back and authentic, I've felt almost as much pressure from the "offbeat" side of things as from the WIC. I didn't realize how good it would feel to laugh at the offbeat side. I love, love, LOVE this!!!

    19 agree
  3. Oh man, I loved this when it popped up on the book of faces! I actually considered how awesome it would be to have some driftwood bracelets, but alas, we've never been to Cambodia…

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  4. The Onion makes fun of everyone and everything, so it's all in good humor. I have to admit I liked the best man interview the best. ^^() Although score for me and my fellow geeky peeps, they didn't mention anything about videogames, Doctor Who, Star Wars, etc. Mwahahaha! (Although the Onion is bound to have numerous bits making fun of geek culture, too.)

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    • Yep: I referenced Portlandia's "Cool Wedding" in the post! :)

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    • Ha! I think I like the Portlandia one better, but this was still funny :-) . I also think I've 'actually' said some of the things in the Portlandia one ;-)

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    • LOL I love this bit.

      Wedding Planner: Well you know, it's a fancy occasion
      Guy: IS IT?
      big pause
      Planner: Yes…
      Guy: okay.

      2 agree
  5. This is why I love OBB. Rather than everyone getting their panties in a twist about someone poking fun, we laugh along with them! Yay for a good laugh after a week from hell!

    24 agree
  6. Funny! Though I have to admit "instead of trading wedding rings, the pair said they will wear bracelets hewn from teak driftwood the couple collected on a trip to Cambodia in 200" actually sounds pretty cool… ;D

    8 agree
  7. This was published at exactly the right moment for me. The other day I was contemplating whether I could incorporate a reading of the Molly Bloom soliloquoy from Ulysses into our ceremony because it is my fiance's favorite passage of literature. Then I realized what an utterly preposterous idea that was. Thank you OBB and the Onion for making me laugh at myself.

    18 agree
  8. Mao Ze-Dog!!

    I laughed at the bike idea, remembering my cousin's face when I said wouldn't it be funny to ride away in a rickshaw. (There is one for sale at an antique store.) Instead we should use their Lincoln Navigator … o.0 … At least the Dude thought it was funny, if I'd pedal & he could ride in the back.

    1 agrees
    • We had rickshaws as our wedding transport – it was actually a practical consideration, as one of the only ways anyone can get through the city (Oxford, UK) which has lots of cyclists and many restrictions on motor vehicles. It was great fun, especially for our nieces and nephews.

      1 agrees
  9. So many comments are saying that it made someone realize their own offbeat idea was stupid/silly/preposterous, and I didn't take that away from the article. I think what the Onion is satirizing is the posturing, pretension, and "conspicuous cleverness" that can often accompany such choices, not original ideas that actually make sense for the couple. (Also, instances where the couple shows marked inconsideration toward their guests.) If the groom was a professional banjo player who did a bluegrass radio show, that Appalachian band wouldn't be problematic at all (sans the 80s music)! It's just when people seem to cherry-pick the "quirky" tangents of their personality, or when their personality is itself highly pretentious and showy, that this behavior grates on me.

    Point being, don't throw out something you really love at your wedding if you could actually make it work! But also don't do it just because you feel like you either want to show off or stand out!

    27 agree
      • great article! I wish I would have found it during our planning process. It would have put my mind at ease!

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    • I definitely agree with you (and we're actually planning on having a bluegrass band and square dancing!) but the Molly Bloom thing – if I had really tried to do that and I sincerely hope that someone among my friends and family loved me enough to tell me it was a terrible idea.

      On the other hand, a very VERY short passage may works its way into the programs or maybe the invitations somehow. :)

      1 agrees
      • Doesn't that chapter begin and end with the word "yes"? Seems like the only excerpt you need. I've always liked the "Shall I wear a red yes" part, too…

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    • I had moments of this before my fiance was all "We don't need to be weird just to be weird." It's been my mantra ever since. I think you're spot on; it's not the authenticity that The Onion is making fun of, it's the idea that one must use all their quirky hobbies to BE authentic.

      8 agree
    • I dunno, there's an amazing bluegrass band in my hometown that does 80's covers. I'd want them to play at my wedding if i could afford them. And even better is the fact their name is Love Canon. :)

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  10. "Furthermore, instead of trading wedding rings, the pair said they will wear bracelets hewn from teak driftwood the couple collected on a trip to Cambodia in 2009."

    Bwahahahahaha! Oh my–this sounds so much like my wedding planning process/explaning my wedding to everyone I met that I had to blush and laugh at myself. :)

    0 agree
  11. Isn't it interesting how the word "fuck," in all it's many configurations can change a story about something fun and quirky into satire? I do love the Onion and this article, but it made me realize how happy I am that this word is not a regular part of conversation among my friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances. It stings every time I hear it.

    1 agrees
    • …and you're able to read Offbeat Bride? We're quite foul mouthed around here.

      18 agree
      • Oh yes! It's because the Offbeat Empire isn't about sticking your middle finger up the collective arse of society, it is, as you've pointed out many times before including in another post here, about being authentic!
        And Offbeat Bride in particular celebrates love. Love between people of all gender combinations and colors and incomes and ages and oddness levels, and between communities of people supporting these couples and yes, even a healthy dose of self-love. No one here looks down on me because I am an atheist Christian Kansan who doesn't say the f word and waited till I was married to have sex and am now trying to plan a wedding to my beloved Mexican husband seven years later while we are forced to live apart for immigration reasons. (Trust me, others do.) And I get to throw my verbal support behind people whose weddings are steam punk/partially religious-pagan/2nd-3rd-4th marriage/vows with expletives/lesbian bhuddists.. I could continue, but all of you probably already know how breathtakingly wonderful this community is. Thank You for just letting me say it.

        20 agree
  12. "Invitees said they eagerly anticipate the bride and groom's bitter divorce, which will much more authentically capture the couple's shitty personalities."

    LAWL.

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  13. I think the Onion poking fun at mason jars and sparklers and such is more about how those are probably the biggest wedding trends right now and yet the Horrible Couple insists they're unique.

    9 agree
  14. I find this hysterical… but there is the other side…
    Some people really do find offbeat wedding couples "insufferable" and "horrible"(gotten THAT sideways look, even though I'm "lite"). It is really annoying when someone that doesn't know you in the slightest, rolls their eyes or groans because you don't want flowers… or you want a gluten free cake.
    It is important to laugh at ourselves… I admit that… I just hope the other side equally sees this as satire. The being true to you as a couple vs. wanting to shock people or get attention is very important. Of course all that matters is the knowledge that those that love you as you are… and know your wedding is an expression of you. Personally, an equal satire can be made about couples that are afraid to think outside the box for fear of how their family will react. If your wedding incorporates who you are… whether its mason jars or giant rose topiaries… whether you are in red or white… if its you… its you.

    Why am I ranting? we all know this… :-I I need more coffee…

    3 agree
    • The best part part about the Onion is that it gives you free-reign to laugh at anyone who doesn't realize the Onion is satire. There's even an entire site (called Literally Unbelievable) about people on facebook who take Onion posts seriously.

      3 agree
      • This is very true. I have to check out that site now.
        Too many people are just gullible… or dumb.

        1 agrees
  15. Oh, man, did I need this.

    I was totally having a SPECIAL! SNOWFLAKE! moment yesterday–thank God for OBB and The Onion to knock some humour back into me.

    :)

    7 agree
  16. I love satire and am not offended in the least by the article or video…but am totally crying right now (seriously…tears down my face). I think it's because I'm not a confident off-beater (and lite to boot); I'm not in away way trying to show-off (read: attention) but have never felt comfortable with most wedding traditions (resulting in our "off-beatness"). But this really made me feel bad about myself! Must be the three-week to go stressness. Right now I want to feel loved not judged! I'll come back in September and have a good laugh!

    0 agree
    • Oh, lady, lady.

      *hug*

      It's okay. You're okay. Your partner is okay. Your wedding is also okay–whackadoodleness, offbeatness and all.

      Go treat yourself to something–a nap, a good book, a glass of wine. You'll get through this!

      :)

      8 agree
  17. Ahahaha! That's every wedding I've been to lately! Ahahaha! "Quirky" is the new conformity! Ahahaha! Do you know how many "fun" poses I've had to come up with for all the Instagram photobooths I've been pulled into? Ahaha! I'm obviously on this site, so I obviously have an appreiation for fun weddings, but I've gotta say… this site and the weddings in it seemed alot more fun and unique and alot less contrived a few years ago when I first discovered it. Maybe it's time to shake up the trend of being "unique" with something actually new and genuine.

    2 agree
    • If you've been reading for a while, you may be familiar with this post, which touches on a lot of the sentiments you're talking about.

      1 agrees
  18. i wonder if this is a lot like musical artists and weird al…you know you've made it if weird al has a parody of one of your songs. so OBB must be for realz yo, because the onion is making fun of it! lol

    0 agree
  19. Perhaps we should just consider modern weddings "performance art." I'm ready for the naked wedding, the silent wedding, the reverse wedding, the superheros wedding, the masquerade ball wedding, the dolphin wedding, the dueling banjos wedding, the poi wedding, the flash mob wedding, the trapeze wedding, the surprise wedding, the bowling wedding, the dogsled wedding, the Stanley Kubric wedding, and let's never forget "the 9-11 remembrance wedding." If you're not pushing the envelope, you're just following the trends. I'm ready. Give me a damn mustache, your signature cocktail, bag of rice, bottle of bubbles, paper cranes, tambourine, glitter, pop-gun, light saber, disposable camera, and some sparklers… and get outta my way… I'm heading into the photo booth. :)

    3 agree

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