The offbeat bride: Deyanna, Full-time mom and misc. artist (and Tribesmaid)
Her offbeat partner: Dustin, Structural Engineer
Date and location of wedding: The Gatehouse at Lionsgate Event Center, Lafayette, CO — March 31, 2012
Our offbeat wedding at a glance: We basically scrapped a cohesive theme and dubbed our wedding a "hodge-podge of awesome." We took wedding party photos at a graveyard. The groomsmen were Stormtroopers. Two zombies followed me down the aisle. We chopped up a zombie head with a machete in lieu of a unity candle. Our ceremony music included Guns N' Roses, The Beatles, Queen, and AC/DC.
We had a fajita bar for dinner. The open bar had five kegs of various home-brew and two kegs of homemade mead brewed by the groom and a couple of his friends. Instead of a champagne toast, we did car bombs (our favorite!). We booked Denver locals That Eighties Band to rock the dance floor.
Green man (who was actually our officiant!) crashed the party. We also did not do a bouquet toss, garter toss, cake cutting, or any sermons.
Tell us about the ceremony: We wrote the ceremony and vows ourselves. A good friend (and one of the reasons we met) was our officiant. We tried hard to make it light-hearted and funny, and had our maid of honor and best man do a reading from Calvin and Hobbes.
When you are hungry, I will fry you some thick-cut peppered bacon and slice up some nice ripe avocado to build you a rockin' sandwich and then bake a pineapple upside-down cake that you can have all to yourself.
When you are sad, I will pour you a tall black IPA and then try to recite quotes from Robot Chicken: Star Wars until you laugh beer out of your nose and hopefully forget why you were so sad.
When you are sick, I will sacrifice all my softest blankets to make sure that you are warm enough. Then I will bring you chicken noodle soup and a glass of ginger ale; I'll even hold the crazy straw for you.
When you are tired, I will finally stop talking so darn much so your brain can rest. Then, I will give you a back rub so that your body can rest too as you drift off to sleep.
When you are bored, I will invent silly new games for us to play so that only you and I know the rules. If that doesn't work, I will give you a list of chores you could do and suddenly the games will sound a lot better.
When you are mad, I will listen to you rant about your day at work, bad traffic, or whatever else is on your mind. I promise to nod and agree by saying things like "yeah, that guy is a jerk!"
When you are hurt, I will kiss your boo-boos better and cover them with cartoon Star Wars band-aids. Then, I will hunt down the butthead who did it and beat the living crap out of them.
When you are old, I will fetch you some prune juice and rub the bunions on your feet while we complain about how kids these days have no respect.
But when you are happy, I'll be happy too. And when you are laughing, I'll laugh with you. I only hope that in the years to come, and as our family grows, that I can find some way to make you happier and happier every day.
And when the zombies come, I'll stand back to back with you and fight off the hoard. But if you should be bitten, I'll hold out my arm so that you can bite me too. Then we'll share brains and laugh because being a zombie is more fun anyway.
I love you, Dustin. Not just because you are funny, smart, sweet, and a million other things that I could go on about… but because you make me feel like I matter. With you, the bad stuff doesn't seem so bad and the good stuff is a thousand times better. You've already been such a wonderful husband and father. I'm so lucky to have you and I promise to love you rain or shine. I can't wait for the rest of our lives together.
When you are Hungry, I'll use my finely honed culinary skills to turn our cupboard of ingredients into the most delectable meal you can imagine. A symphony for your taste buds to waltz to. Until I discover that all we've got is Hamburger Helper, and no burger. Then, I'll take you to Taco Bell.
When you are Sad, I'll give you my shoulder to cry on, and my ear to vent to. I'll bring you tissues and ice cream. And then I'll make silly faces and tell you corny jokes that you can pretend are funny.
When you are Sick, I'll give you thousands of milligrams of vitamin C and Echinacea, spoon feed you chicken noodle soup, keep the baby occupied, and temporarily relinquish control of the remote.
When you are Tired, I'll pour you a glass of Cab-Franc, bring you your comfy clothes, turn the TV on to 'Friends' reruns, and tell you what I did at work today.
When you are Bored, I'll offer suggestions like crocheting, baking cupcakes, and Facebook. I'll wander the aisles of Hobby Lobby with you, and I'll point to random places in the Yellow Pages to visit. And, I'll tell you stories of growing up in Montrose, so your boredom doesn't seem so bad by comparison.
When you are Mad, I'll hunt down that no-good, rootin' tootin', sunnuva varmit that made you angry, and bring 'im back to you with a bow on, so you can kick 'im in the shins and give 'im a wedgie. Man, I hope it isn't me that caused your anger.
When you are Hurt, I'll probably tell you to buck-up and walk it off. But, after that, I'll clean the ouchie, and kiss it until it's better. It actually will hurt me more than it hurts you, sprinkling rubbing alcohol on it.
When you are Old, well, I'll be really old. But, I'll try my best to help you chase the high-schoolers off our lawn, and to remember to tell you to turn off the blinker.
But when you are Happy, I hope that means that, somehow, by the grace of God, I've managed to fulfill some of these things I've listed. And, it also means that I'm happy, for having you in my life, and just having the opportunity to bring joy to your life.
When the zombies come, I'll stand with you, watching your back, knowing that you've got mine, fending off brain-eaters with machete and 12 gauge, until we find a nice abandoned castle to live out our days. Together.
Deyanna, I am, without a doubt, a much better person for having you in my life. Be it our inside jokes, our Sundays watching football or running errands, our crazy imaginations creating together, or our handsome son. Can't imagine spending another day without you, and truly love you.
Here is the full video of our ceremony:
Our biggest challenge: The biggest challenge was definitely people. It was incredibly hard to keep my cool during disagreements sometimes. We also questioned whether people understood that they have to RSVP. One guest never RSVPed, showed up two days before the wedding, and then asked if they could crash on our couch!
My favorite moment: We had a lot of really great moments, but I would have to say that the most meaningful was our vows. We're not usually the mushy-gushy types, we're really more the fart joke types. So to have such a "real" moment in front of all those people gave me crazy butterflies. We both teared up ever-so-slightly, but we made it through.
My funniest moment: Definitely our zombie unity "candle" FAIL. We tried to chop the head with a machete but the latex skin was so thick that the machete just bounced off. Then, Dustin decided to just knock it off the table and stomp on it. I was afraid to stomp lest my heel get stuck and I fall on my ass. So I thought I'd give it a gentle kick down the aisle, but it bounced off my toe and flew straight for my mother's head (and our friend holding the camera)! Oh, and there's a video:
My advice for Offbeat Brides: I've seen a lot of Offbeat Brides talk about how their friends or family don't like their wedding choices. We were also concerned about that, so we saved a lot of headaches by keeping as much as possible a "surprise." We made sure to avoid saying "We don't want your opinions," but instead just put the emphasis on excitement and surprise.
Care to share a few vendor/shopping links?
- Photography: Rachel Kriegshauser
- Band: That Eighties Band
- Venue: Lionsgate Event Center
- Hair: Niki Vox
- Flowers: Miranda Gaudian
- Peacock hair clip: daniAWESOME
- Bride's dress: Venus Bridal
- Necklace: Jewels by Park Lane, Nicole Strimbu
- Earrings: Swarovski
- Shoes: Fergalicious
- Fajita Bar: Hacienda Colorado
- Tuxedos: Men's Warehouse
- Zombie head and wedding party gifts: Cori and Jesse, Etsy seller MischiefMaker
- Ceremony Music: Vitamin String Quartet
- Wine: Garfield Estates Winery
Enough talk — show me the wedding porn!
This post features Offbeat Vendors! Check out their vendor listing to see how they cater to Offbeat Brides:
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