How buying a new car with my partner triggered cold feet #Relationship Advice#relationships March 12 | Guest post by Vegancupcake Vegancupcake wrote a wonderfully honest post touting pre-marital counseling, and now she's unleashing more wonderful honesty about the freaky experience of joining finances. Photo by 85mm.ch. Used under Creative Commons license. I never would have expected that my first bout of chilly feet would be triggered by a beautiful new car. I know cold feet can mean many things, and has an alarming sound to it. So let me define my version of it. Lately I have been looking at my fiancee and seeing him as if I just met him — less in a cute, romantic way and more like he's suddenly an alien. I have been feeling cooped up in our apartment at times that would normally be relaxing and cuddly. I have been craving time with girlfriends and feeling claustrophobic when my guy wants to join us. I have had thoughts like "How do people do this?" I have been aware of his faults. I have felt self-conscious and overly accountable about mine. I have wondered what life would be like if we weren't getting married this year. I have wondered where I might move if I wasn't in a relationship. For the first time ever, I have hoped we can just hang out in silence and won't have to talk. Let me back up to before this set in. Between Christmas and New Years, my fiancee and I took a few days to deal with business. We opened a joint bank account and bought a car! I have only ever owned hand-me-down cars from family members that were almost ten years old, so I have never owned a brand new car. Let me tell you, I have never felt so sentimental about a vehicle: I have a huge, sloppy, shmoopy crush on our car. We put no money down and will be paying off our car loan for years, but we both feel great about it. Related Post Do I really want to marry you? When doubts are a good thing. I have doubts. I wanted to blame them on the stress of planning the wedding but I couldn't lie to myself. I have always had... Read more The opening of a joint bank account and the negotiating of our own financial independence has been such an unsexy part of this pre-marriage time. And we are splitting it. The original plan wasn't to split it. Somewhere along the way, I guess since we were simultaneously considering the fusion of our finances into one bank account, we decided to co-own the car. When we drove the car home, we were giddy. But I was also… stunned. Completely overwhelmed. I have never put no money down on something. And I'm pretty sure I was only able to do this because of his help and willingness to take part in financing it. I now feel more accountable, not just for my personality quirks, but for the way I spend and save my money. By the time we got home, I was no longer giddy. I wrapped up in a blanket, opened our window (it was frigid out but I just needed AIR), and cried… hard. I'm sure my fiancee was totally alarmed at my fast switch from celebratory to crushed, but I have never been one to postpone waves of unexpected tumultuous feelings. I am no longer at the window crying, but I still feel strung out, big-eyed, and disoriented. Of course, it helps to sort out that being daunted in the face of a huge turning point is different than being ambivalent about my partner. But, the opening of a joint bank account and the negotiating of how much to retain our own financial independence on the side has been such an unsexy part of this pre-marriage time. How do you stop tallying who bought what and who owes more? How do you deal with the self-consciousness of someone else getting such a front row seat while you grow up? Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo Guest post written by Vegancupcake I am a yoga teacher and high school English teacher. I moved to Philly from Brooklyn to be with my fiance (we are a long-distance relationship success story!). I enjoy writing, cooking, knitting, biking. I can play the blues on the harmonica. http://TalkingTreeBodywork.com PREVIOUS Wedding party madness, two kinds of castles, and some nom-tastic cakes NEXT Nancy & Chris' electric ethereal fiery wedding Show/Hide comments [ 70 ] This post is such a good reminder to me that a marriage is not all about love, and romance, and mushy crap. It's also about learning to live with another being who is not perfect, who makes mistakes, and having to wade through all the trickery of life with that person. The financial aspect of marriage is one we haven't thought too much about. We have a silly system of who "owes" who what. If he buys dinner one night then I buy the next time. If he picks me up a soda on his way home I grab something small for him and so on. We have one joint checking account that is currently marked "Wedding Fund" that we both contribute to. Since I at this point make a substantial amount more than him most of the contributions come from me and that's okay. He puts in what he can afford to put in. He's never not paid his share of the rent or any other joint bill. I am planning to maintain as much financial independence as possible though. Joint bills are joint bills that will be split 50/50. My cell phone, car payment, netflix, medical bills, glasses, clothing, etc? Those are my responsibility and his personal bills and luxuries are his. It's worked for the whole time we've been living together and I don't see a need to change it after we're married. Reply The FH and I have a hybrid financial plan. We have the joint account that we pay bills, go out to dinner together, buy cars, get groceries with, etc. Then we each retained our personal accounts were we give ourselves a monthly allowance to do with as we like. He is a gamer, I'm a shoe-aholic. We also use our personal accounts for girls/boys night out etc. This is also what we use to get each other gifts so it can still be a surprise. If we want something and we don't have the money for it in our accounts, then we will talk about it to see if we can do (our get) it with the main account. We have a plan that if this happens often then we will discuss bumping up our allowance. Reply Read more comments ‹ 1 2 Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked * Comment Participate in this conversation via email No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. 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