Grooms and the wedding industrial complex
Offbeat grooms
Guestpost by
on February 01, 2012
74
Who says dudes don't care about flower selection!? Thanks to Alice for uploading this to the Flickr Pool! Photo by Paul F. P. Pogue
My partner, Alex, and I took a day off from work to attend to some wedding-related appointments. First, we went to the event rental place to look at linens, extra chairs, silverware, etc. When we got there, the "Wedding Specialist" introduced herself to me and shook my hand. She then turned around and started walking us back to the conference room without even acknowledging Alex. During the consultation, she addressed all the questions to me, without asking Alex his opinion on anything. After she asked a question, I would turn to Alex and ask his opinion (partially because he's better at things like color and design than I am, but mostly because IT'S HIS WEDDING TOO AND I WANT HIM TO FEEL INCLUDED). He'd give his opinion and she'd just stare at me like he hadn't said anything at all.
It was weird but we got through it, only to encounter it again!
He felt like everyone was judging him and he was afraid to give his opinions because he thought the sales associates would think he was trying to take away "my special day."
Next, we went to David's Bridal to look at a few dresses. When we walked in the sales associate that was assigned to us introduced herself to me (while squealing and smiling) and completely ignored Alex. She didn't even introduce herself. After I tried on the dresses, I (with Alex's help of course) decided on one and bought it. We left without the sales lady even saying a word to Alex the whole time. She did however congratulate me numerous times and thanked me profusely.
Now I know why men often don't want to be included in wedding related appointments. It's not because they're not interested, it's because they know that when they go they'll be ignored and treated like crap. This makes me so sad!
Alex and I talked about the events of the day that night and he told me how uncomfortable and offended he was. He said that he felt like everyone was judging him and he was afraid to give his opinions because he thought the sales associates would think he was trying to take away "my special day" and control me. It's just not fair that even when he tries to be a part of these decisions, he's basically told that this wedding has nothing to do with him. It seems the wedding industrial complex just wants him to shut his mouth and open his wallet.
In hindsight, I should have introduced him to the sales associates and forced them to acknowledge him, but I think I felt too shocked to do anything. I still feel really guilty about that.
But more-so, it hurts my heart that he's being excluded from this very important event in his life. The wedding industrial complex should be ashamed.
Who's got suggestions for ways to talk to vendors who may not acknowledge both partners' roles in wedding planning?
About kendallgiraffe
I just graduated from college with a degree in English Literature and a minor in Women's Studies. I'm hoping to start teaching high school English in low-income communities. I live with my fiance, his identical twin brother, and our three cats.
Andaluza said
So we need to challenge these people don't we, if we want it to change? I'll bet if we asked them 'why aren't you introducing yourself to my fiancé or speaking to him?', they'd actually be forced to realise what they were doing. You can ask that fairly politely, as a matter of interest, doesn't have to be a challenge.
If we do that upfront, we're giving these people an opportunity to change their behaviour. The ones that do change how they interact with you at the time, will probably think twice the next time a groom is interested enough to attend.
I for one, am completely frustrated with my groom insisting that every possible evidence (except what I say/do) suggests that its better if he doesn't have any opinions. I'd love to see this attitude change, so any grooms out there with an interest – Make people acknowledge you!!
Sandra said
To answer your question, my advice is to NOT talk to vendors who don't acknowledge my fiance
creepingminx said
When we started planning contacting the venues was one of things on his list. It's worked really well for us because the people at our venue have only meet me a couple of times but ALL communication is done through him. He is the point of contact and cannot be ignored.
We tried to split the list up as equally as we could and I think this has helped us feel like we are equally involved.
gealltanas said
I think I've been really lucky in that my husband to be has been treated, by in large, really well by any wedding related people we've spoken to. Some better than others, but I do recall particularly the ladies in the shop where I bought the engagement ring were lovely to him and offered to pop out and get him a tea and teased him gently and made him feel totally at ease.
The good ones are out there, buy from them!
Bethany said
JoeBear and I went to the Men's Wearhouse (emphasis on MEN'S), and still ran into this. I wanted to ask the lady "Do you think I pick out ALL of his clothes, or is this just supposed to give me a good feel of what it would feel like to care for him if he becomes a vegetable in an accident?"
Colleen said
This! We went to a privately owned men's specialty shop (they did suits, tuxes, and finer clothes)and they wouldn't listen to anything my husband had to say about his clothing choices. I finally told the guy that I never pick out his clothes any other time and I'm not about to start today. He finally conceded to let him pick out the style but not the colors. I threw a huge fit, but my husband insisted that we go there because they were very personable when selling him a suit earlier in the year.
J XD said
As for suggestions on how to deal with vendors, or anyone, who treats another person so rudely, I suggest you LET THEM KNOW! whether right then and there, or with an email or note if you are more comfortable that way.
with vendors, the bottom line is they want your $ so let them know that goes to the vendor who offers what you want – including respect. I repeat LET THEM KNOW because hey, they're (probably) not psychic.
Andrea M said
I must be lucky or something cause I haven't found this at all! My MOH is a guy and every store we've been to, he's been acknowledged though we do have to explain that he's not the groom, lol. When FH came along for our cake tasting, the baker was great, involved us both, and was really excited about our design which we both had a hand in and is totally unisex in design rather than the usual girlie deal. I have found however that the smaller the operation is, the friendlier they are to guys. Perhaps this is because they're more of a boutique deal and thus are really attentive to personalized service, but either way, it has encouraged me to continue going with the little guys since I know I'll leave happier.
May said
It's not just men who are excluded. Try being the overweight bridesmaid, or even the lone bridesmaid of colour in an otherwise Caucasian bridal party. Imagine being the MOH in a wheelchair or with a walker for mobility. The whole industry is built on a fantasy, Prince Charming and Cinderella – and there is rarely room for anything that fits outside that pre-fabricated 'ideal'. Hence why so many brides and grooms are favoring 'alternative' weddings instead of going the traditional route.
Shaw Girl said
I 100% agree with you on this. We're an interracial couple and we've run into similar problems.
When we went to check out one venue, I came in first and was immediately acknowledged. My fiance, who is Caucasian, came in right after me and placed his hand on my shoulder. The venue manager gave us a quizzical look and then asked me if my fiance would be joining us. Because the guy with his hand on me is a total stranger?? When I told her the White guy with his arm around me was my fiance, she just blinked. We don't live in a small town and interracial couples aren't a novelty, so her attitude confused me. Needless to say, we opted not to use that venue. And I let her know her attitude was the reason we were going with another location.
Fast forward to us meeting a photographer. My fiance and I came into the shop together, holding hands. The photographer shakes my hand and then says he usually likes to meet the bride and groom together. Because I like holding hands with complete strangers.
My fiance is on the quieter side, so he often takes a back seat when we meet new people. But he's been very much a part of the planning of OUR wedding day, as he should be. So to have vendors negate him because of his gender and skin color burns my biscuits.
On the plus side, this behavior has helped us weed out a LOT of vendors and we now have a kick ass set of vendors we adore.
JP Reynolds said
What you've described is good old-fashioned bad customer service! The vendors behaved rudely when they did not welcome your fiance and inquire as to his relationship with you. And there's no excusing rudeness. Given the first impression they created, I'd be concerned about the quality and care of the work they'll do for you.
Are these people you want to do business with if they don't have the common customer sense to respect your fiance?
I'm writing from the perspective of someone who is a man, is a wedding officiant, and who does customer service training. While the wedding industry is a gender divide, with much attention focused on the bride, really good, creative, gracious professionals enjoy (and prefer) working with the couple as a couple. I'd like to believe that the folks you encountered do not represent the wedding industry in its rich breadth and diversity.
Emma said
I wonder if there is an assumption that, particularly in the case of dress shopping, he is not the groom. However I do think it is bad customer service not to acknowledge everyone in the shopping party.
tia said
I only experienced this when we took his sons to all get fitted for tuxes. My only input was no tails and something in our colors (brown and green)
Once I said anything the tux guy seemed to ask me everything from that point on. What kind of lapel do you like? (I don't know jack about lapels!) Pocket square or no? (Pocket whatnow?)
Finally I reiterated my few requests and said that I was only here to give the ok once FH picked something they liked, ask him.
Liz said
When it first happened to me I said "it's our wedding, not mine". Most got the hint and spoke to us both. A couple of vendors continued to speak to just me, at which point I got up and said" I just told you it's our wedding, not mine. You just continued to ignore my partner. Goodbye" It was actually kinda funny trying to watch them backpeddling as our business walked out the door.
Omitra said
I work in the bridal industry and unfortunately, Ive witnessed this happen to many couples. It truly sad because it is the union of two people, not just one…thats why we have so many "BRIDEZILLAS" walking around thinking that the wedding is all about her, because the groom isnt acknowledged. Also, its just just plain RUDE for anyone, bridal vendor or not, to meet two people and only acknowledge one person during your entire conversation. If anyone experiences this, SPEAK UP, businesses and vendors need to understand that this little mistake can have big disappointments for couples!
Maria Ann said
I was working and he was in school during the planning process so he sent most of the initial e-mails/made most of the first contacts. That said, when after all that prelude vendors ignored him and talked only to me that made it pretty clear which vendors we did and did not want to work with.
Sarah said
I encountered this the FIRST day I did anything wedding related. The owner of a venue we were interested was horrified when I mentioned my FH would prolly attend the open house as I had to work. After she chided me for 'letting him contribute to such an important decision' I politely informed her that it was OUR day, not mine. We will definitely not be using said venue, or any other that refuses to include him in the process.
Holly said
I actually had kind of the opposite problem with a caterer. I'm planning a vegan wedding and after mentioning that the groom was not vegan he told me I should "talk to your fiancé" and decide if that's what I really want. Like somehow he would set me straight so we would serve chicken. I was completely offended. For one we already discussed it. Two he actually doesn't want to be really involved in decisions and is happy for me to get the wedding I want. Three, how can you tell a vegan to serve meat? Seriously?
KittyWrangler said
Being ignored by salespeople, used as an accessory, assumed to unquestioningly follow his bride-to-be's lead, movies that don't include any real male characters… gee, this sounds familiar! Women usually get treated this way in most non-wedding and non-"nesting" situations, like trying to buy a car or computer. The WIC seems to me like the exception that proves the rule.
That said, what these guys are experiencing DOES suck and it's wrong. And it sounds like you awesome commenters are doing your part to set things right. But this might be an excellent time to point out you two will probably face this situation again, many times throughout your lives, though often with the genders reversed (if y'all read as male and female, that is). After my husband & I married I was ignored when we were trying to get a mortgage. But I was glad we'd talked about the issue during the wedding planning because I knew my husband got it.
PDeb said
I sell wedding gowns, and while I hope I never ignore anyone, it is unusual in most circumstances for grooms to go shopping with the bride. Sometimes the bride really has no-one else to go shopping with (or has had a bad experience in another salon and needs some moral support), and there are also cultures where it seems to be part of the courting process (and where the groom's family is paying for it). However, wedding gown shopping can come across as "control freak", sometimes to a really scary degree. We think it odd, since not only is it not that common, for every couple of guys we see who are along to support their fiances, there's one who sends up red flags. We get men who are rude and dismissive to their fiancees, veto everything, try to flirt with the employees, etc. Of course there are guys that just want to be part of the process, but for the gown in particular, it can come across kind of strangely.
While you shouldn't ignore your husband's likes and dislikes (for example, he thinks halters are tacky), I always think it makes a nice surprise. You're going to look amazing, and it has more impact if he hasn't seen it before.
I have a friend who sells wedding photography, and she does expect that men will show up for appointments and have questions about the process, so it probably does depend on what aspect of the business you're talking about.
Anna said
Oh, my goodness, this happened to us, too! My fiance and I registered everywhere together, because, and here comes the shocker: we're going to use all this stuff TOGETHER, and we wanted to be sure it was stuff we could both use. We sat down with several registry consultants, one of whom looked at the information sheet we filled out for her and said, "Oh, we're just going to use Anna as the primary contact." When we insisted that my fiance was the better contact (I'm at work a lot of the time and can't answer), she laughed and said, "No, she needs to be the first contact. We wouldn't want a miscommunication!" My fiance is a master's candidate in writing. I'm pretty sure he knows how to communicate. We un-registered there and won't do business with any vendor that refuses to acknowledge and appreciate that my fiance is an equal part of this planning thing.
Dylan said
This is Dylan, a groom. GASP! I totally feel for Alex and was treated equally rotten at David's Bridal. The sales woman asked me to match up color swatches as her and my fiancee went around picking dresses. We put a stop to that immediately and I helped out but not without a bunch of strange looks. I felt like the sales woman thought I was a controlling man trying to not allow my bride any say. This sickened me as the reason I wanted to help was purely because picking out dresses are fun!! I have found some very offbeat vendors who embrace my involvement and I think that is the key to a happy wedding.
kla said
It's pretty rare for guys to be on the receiving end of being ignored & dismissed because of their gender. Aggravating as it is, I think this is a good opportunity to open up a conversation with your guy about what its like as a woman to have this happen ALL THE TIME OUR ENTIRE LIVES! Personally experiencing something really can give it more meaning than just knowing of and thinking you understand it.
Also – I am so impressed with all of you that can walk out on someone for being so rude. I usually have to process after the fact and identify what was going on to figure out why I was so frustrated in a situation.
alyssa said
This is really scary to me.
We just started planning, and I'm really not looking forward to experiencing any of this.
The decisions we've made about our wedding have been done as a team (me, my fiance, and usually one of my best friends who is also a guy). To be quite serious, my fiance is the one who put his foot down about the location and being in love with it, he also came up with the idea for the invitations, and the style of the cake. Everything I have chosen has been seen and approved or tweaked to match with what he envisions for us.
I don't want a wedding where the focus is me and it's so upsetting to hear that it's my day, his opinion doesn't matter, or whatever. I guess this is why I also never understood the point of a separate cake for the groom. I am definitely the planner in the relationship (I call/write emails/ask questions), so I guess I need to pay attention also to the way that vendors treat us more since I know he won't say anything even if they're completely rude.
This actually makes me want to find a local wedding expo to attend and see what the outcome is though!