Commitment BDSM style: My vanilla, polyamorous, collaring ceremony
Ceremony Advice
Guestpost by
on January 18, 2012
95
Many of you have written to us, wanting more inspiration for BDSM and/or polyamorous wedding ceremonies. Well, here's a collaring ceremony that combines both!
Source: media.photobucket.com via Cecilia on Pinterest
This is sort of a collaring ceremony as a wedding. It will also be a polyamorous focused ceremony (with our spouses giving us away — in a manner of speaking). So, this is the draft for my vanilla, polyamorous, collaring ceremony…
Exodus 21:5 "But if the slave declares 'I love my master, and my wife and children: I do not wish to go free' his master shall take him before G-d. He shall be brought to the door or the doorpost, and his master shall pierce his ear with an awl; and he shall then remain his slave for life."Dominant: Today we are here to formalize our commitment to each other, but in doing so we must acknowledge its place amongst the other commitments of our lives. I am asking you to commit yourself to me and make me one of the highest priorities in your life, but your children and your marriage must always come first. Do you accept these terms?
submissive: I accept.
Dominant: And I am promising you that I am committing myself to you and making you one of the highest priorities in my life, second only to my children and my marriage. Do you accept this promise?
submissive: I accept.
Genesis 16:7 An Angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the road to Shur, and said, "Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" And she said "I am running away from my mistress, Sarai." And the angel of the Lord said to her "Go back to your mistress and submit to her domination."
Dominant: Today I offer you a collar and with it my love. I will [insert vows here].
In return I ask that you [insert requests here]
Do you accept my collar?submissive: I accept.
submissive: Today I offer you the key and with it my loyalty. I will [insert vows here]
In return I ask that you [insert requests here]
Do you accept my key?Dominant: I accept.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one; because they have good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Dominant: In binding ourselves to each other, we recognize that we are not merely making a commitment between two individuals. Each of us have families of our own and, as we intertwine our lives, so too do we intertwine theirs. In recognition of this, we now invite our spouses to speak.
[His wife reads something or gives a toast.]
[My husband reads something or gives a toast.]Dominant: Talmudic law requires that any legal contract or act of acquisition be concluded through an act of kinyan. For the acquisition of a person, the deal may be sealed by having the individual perform chazakah — an act of service for their new master. Let us now seal this contract.
[He carries me into the building]
About Drgnsyr
Drgnsyr is a theatre professional, and random day job holder.
Becky said
As a kink newbie (eager to explore further!), I found this absolutely fascinating. And awesome! Thank you so much for sharing.
Jacqueline said
I don't want to hijack this thread, but for those who have expressed interest, the best resources I know of are http://www.morethantwo.com/ for polyamory and http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html for BDSM. Just wanted to throw out some good material for anyone who wanted to go on a research spree.
Amy said
Thank you! I'll be sure to check these out when I get home.
jane said
Just out of curiosity, who is invited to this ceremony? D/s isn't my thing, but obviously you can and should do whatever you want with your life. But I would be mightily uncomfortable attending this ceremony. I think I'd feel like I was included in someone's sexual life without consent.
Again, I think that the meaning of the ceremony is important for the participants – just wondering who else is there and how they feel about it.
PixieSaurus Rex said
Not all D/s relationships are sexual, though many do have that element included.
As someone in the lifestyle (when I can be), I can't imagine inviting folks that would be made uncomfortable to a collaring ceremony. Then again, that's just me. Collaring is seen as a big deal by some folks who participate in BSDM and I would see those folks, or the ones who aren't kinky, but supportive, as guests at a public collaring ceremony.
Arkalem said
Jane,
I'm the sub in question.
We're inviting our closest friends, most of whom are either D/s themselves or are at least very familiar with both the lifestyle and my relationship with Drgnsyr. In no way will this event be sexualized. Truth be told, unless you know what you are looking at, the event will appear for all intents and purposes to be a wedding…or something like it anyway.
Evee said
I remember reading this on OBT, and being literally breathless at the beauty and intensity of it. Bravo for posting it on the main blog! This is something I may run into with my future spouse someday. He would love to be in a truly D/s relationship, and there could be a time when he makes this kind of committment to a different woman. We're getting married because we want to build a life together, but to us that doesn't necessarily mean we have to be everything to each other. I love that this is even a discussion on a wedding blog.
dentata said
Crazy-interesting. Like other readers, I'd like to know more about polyamory, and what these ceremonies are typically like… Suppose I'll be following those links provided by Jacqueline!
One thing: though I didn't even think about it at first, the wording here – of "collaring" – *is* potentially offensive. One really can't argue against that. The actual action aside, we cannot avoid the weight of history when it comes to the word "slave," and the use of "collar" in conjunction with that.
By no means am I arguing that BDSM folk should create a new language for themselves; it's part of the group's discourse. But whenever we use words that are emotionally charged, we can't be surprised by negative reactions. That's all.
PixieSaurus Rex said
Just because someone has a negative reaction to one of the most common and basic symbols of the lifestyle doesn't mean that they need to label it as "disgusting."
Arkalem said
Dentata,
The term collaring is offensive? I most certainly can argue that. Does the term "gay marriage" likewise offend you?
This is a type of bonding between two consensual adults that yearn for this sort of connection.
Sabina said
I was really impressed by this post. Not only that it is original but it is inspiring.
Lauren said
Hi all,
I'm an old timer to OBB but a first poster. I have to admit, my gut reaction to this whole idea was "ew" and I agreed with Wendy.
However, I took the time to read through everyone's comments, with an open mind, and I think I've been (somewhat) swayed. It's not my thing (I think someone said that before) but I believe all adults have the right to make these types of decisions, even if I (or others) don't completely understand it.
That being said, I wanted to weigh in on something. (And, Wendy, feel free to correct me.) Wendy is saying a collar reminds her of slavery and ownership. The couple and pro-commenters are saying the collar symbolizes slavery and ownership and submission. The only difference is Wendy finds the idea disgusting (maybe not a good word choice, as it's a bit offensive, Wendy).
I, personally, would NEVER choose to label myself as submissive or enslaved to another person. And, like Wendy, it makes the feminist in me squeamish/incredibly uneasy.
However, if another person (man or woman), wants to take on that role, it's not my right to judge it or look down upon it. I guess people 30, 40, 50 (heck even now) said gay love/marriage made them "squeamish/incredibly uneasy." It's their right to feel that way, but not their right to condemn it.
Sorry for rambling – just felt compelled to throw my two cents in (however unorganized it might be).
Amy said
Yes, I agree. A lot of things make me uncomfortable, but I can't make an argument against them beyond, "ew, that makes me feel icky." What's important to remember is that the words slave, submissive, ownership, are titles that have positive meaning and are used in a shared, respectful, and consensual way.
jessiej said
I think it's important to separate ourselves and our own life from those of others. I too admit that I'm uncomfortable with the word 'slave' and would not want it applied to myself or my loved ones because of the painful connotations of that word, but then again (a) I'm not in the scene and actively part of the evolution of that dialogue, and (b) if I was, I could choose to use other words that I felt were more accurate (for the same reason I choose to use partner and not 'husband' in an environment that favours the later). For that reason, although the dialogue and word usage doesn't resonate with me, I think it's important to separate that from my opinions on what's happening here, and that is: people formalizing and celebrating the relationship they have with each other, be it sexual, Ds, marriage, parent-child, or other. Maybe our world would be a more interesting, loving place if we had more common ceremonies to celebrate our various relationships/commitments in life, and not just marriage (wedding) and parenting (baptism/blessing way/other ceremonies that tend to center around child-having).
@jane, it's been my experience that people who invite you to their ceremonies have thought long and hard about who to invite, and do a fabulous job of preparing you for what you might see at their particular event, so you can make an informed decision.
Arkalem said
Hilariously enough, I vehemently do not identify as a slave. Still, Drgnsyr vehemently *does* identify as a Jew, and when she showed me this I couldn't turn it down. It's too perfect.
I'm not a slave, but I have no compunctions about belonging to her =D
mariegael said
ok i have a off the wall question, but i've never read vows like this so i was just wondering how this worked. hope it's not offensive, b/c it's about how divorce works in this arrangement.
if the d wants to stay in, but the s wants out, can they leave? b/c once they accept the collar, that seems like it would be it. so, can they change their minds or is that completely against this belief system. do they have to get permission from the d to leave? just curious.
HelenBesoe said
It depends on the individuals involved and what agreements they've made.
Many subs and slaves (probably "most", but I haven't done the research to confirm) are free to leave the relationship if they wish. They have consented to submit. That consent can be withdrawn. The relationship may change or end.
Some slaves do make an agreement that they may only leave the relationship with the permission of their Master. It depends on what the people involved are looking for.
Usually (but not always) there is some negotiation on equal footing before any power exchange occurs so that all parties involved have a chance to state their desires and expectations and agree upon how to proceed.
Hope this helps clear things up somewhat!
Regards,
– Helen
mariegael said
yeah, totally clears it up. thanks!
Arkalem said
Mariegael,
Specifically in the contract of this ceremony, we will revisit our decision every year on our anniversary to assess where things are going. 7 years from the ceremony day, I have the right to walk away from the whole thing without question, or dedicate myself to another 7 years.
Talmudic law for the win! (Says the Catholic…)
Amy said
Very interesting! I think that any committed relationship would do well to have a re-evaluation meeting on the anniversary. I think the problem with many relationships of any form is the individuals don't communicate enough about the relationship trajectory.
Arkalem said
I agree. In polyamory specifically, this type of open communication is critical. Failure to explain expectations or explore potential weak points can easily lead to the failure of a relationship.
Drgnsyr and I are, I think, above average at communicating troubles and getting them aired. Must be something about that whole fate thing…
Phenix's kitty said
As a collared kitty girl of a wonderful man, this post makes me so happy that I cried. With people who may or may not understand the lifestyle but are supportive of it,it just makes me happy.
But to those who don't understand and think our life is disgusting, we are happy regardless and we don't fight as much as some of our non-lifestyle friends. We have assigned roles in our household which makes it easier to not get upset because 'someone isn't pulling their weight'. I see so many couples fight over who does the laundry vs who does the dishes or whatever it may be, but we don't because I do the housework while he brings home a paycheck. All fights resolved no need to bring it up.
Amy said
Love. Rock on with your collared self
Jennifer R. said
I admit, I'm very offended by some things here–not because of your choice to live your life as you please, but for other reasons that I'd be interested to hear polite, thoughtful responses to–as I will be careful to express myself politely and thoughtfully.
First, I am deeply uncomfortable with the use of Scriptures in this ceremony–I have no doubt there are modern readings that address your lifestyle, but to use Scripture that was produced in a specific historical context in this way feels very wrong to me. Second, I cannot believe no one else has addressed the racially charged nature of words like "slave" and "collaring". As a Black person, it feels like you are play-acting with what is, to me, a deeply painful set of highly charged terms. I am NOT saying that is your intent, but it feels really, really bad to see the language of forcibly enslaved persons conflated with kinky fun-times in this manner.
Ariel Meadow Stallings said
While I'm way out of my cultural comfort zone here (being a white woman who's got zero interest in BDSM) I do know that the racial complexities of BDSM play have been explored pretty extensively. A few links:
http://www.racialicious.com/20…d-negress/
http://colorlines.com/archives…_race.html
http://kinkresearch.blogspot.c…acism.html
Jennifer R. said
Thank you for the links. They do explain, although they change nothing for me. It's a little like the way I feel about language: I know that people, many people, use words like "the n word", "the c word" etc. and say they are reclaiming them, making them their own. I respectfully but completely disagree. There is nothing empowering in hate speech to BE "reclaimed". There is nothing empowering about slavery to reclaim either, to me. If the people here have grappled with that and it works for them, that is their right. But I'm having a major feeling of "check your privilege" here, you know? It's a very serious thing to take that language, that history, and make it all about you and your consensual lifestyle. I'm not saying it's impossible to navigate that minefield, but it's mighty tricky and, I'm sorry, not working for me here.
Ariel Meadow Stallings said
Yep, I'm totally there with you: I'm not personally comfortable with it either, but I also acknowledge that kinky sex is, well, kinky. Ultimately, these are much larger and more complex issues than we could ever hope to address in a post on a silly wedding blog (there are academics writing their dissertations on bdsm/race issues as I type), but it's always interesting to see the questions raised.
Hayley said
Jennifer's really hit the nail on the head here. In my opinion, it's offensive to justify these terms and acts (collaring, calling someone slave, etc) by talking about consent, when they are based on a long history of non-consensual tragedies.
Arkalem said
Hayley and Jennifer,
I'm so sorry that you were offended by our ceremony. I'll put your RSVP down as a "no" then?
In seriousness, I understand that some people are uncomfortable with those phrases and concepts. The BDSM lifestyle isn't for everyone just as the vanilla life isn't for everyone.
Nonetheless, it is a thriving subculture that deserves the right to speech just the same as any other. We use charged language and imagery for sure, just as many other subcultures do.
And we're entitled to. We aren't invoking horror or tragedy. We're invoking subservience and obedience and devotion.
Also, I have checked my privilege. As it turns out, I can call myself whatever I want. That's the privilege of being an American.
Nikki said
I will admit, this post makes me somewhat uncomfortable – it depicts something completely outside of my comfort zone, in part because of my background as a black female feminist.
HOWEVER, I am SO glad to see it on Offbeat Bride! If I wanted to only see bland, let's-keep-everyone-comfortable posts, I'd stick with the mainstream.
Thanks OBB!!!
Drgnsyr said
I think it is important to realize that the scripture of the Old Testament belongs to many faiths, and to many varied sects with in those faiths. I am a Jew.* Any commitment I make is going to be with in that context. I am also a polyamorist. I do not believe that my lifestyle choices are in violation of my faith (as a reading of the Old Testament shows many examples of, at least, polygamy). At the MOST they are as "wrong" as premarital sex – a sin I have known very few individuals not to commit. Any commitment I make is going to be with in the context of my faith, and I believe there is nothing wrong with including scriptural passages that I feel support my decisions.
I also ask that you realize that the term "slave" was only used with in the scriptural passages. While African slavery in America is our most recent experience with slavery, the term applies to many cultural manifestations through out history, including biblical times (Jews have a holiday every year where they remind themselves that they were once slaves in Egypt). The traditions incorporated in this ceremony are all drawn directly from the (non-Egyptian) biblical idea of slavery, which is much closer to what we might think of as indentured servitude. While the term may conjure up images of the Old South and auction blocks for you, there are many other contexts for slavery through out history and through out the world.
For people concerned about the symbolism behind the collar, it is supposed to identify ownership and, to whatever degree you want, a loss of autonomy. The idea is that you are handing yourself to another person and trusting them to make the decisions that are right for you. If you are a person who finds the idea of losing your autonomy unsettling then of course this imagery will bother you. However, there are many people who feel a sense of relief and even freedom in knowing that their lives are someone else's responsibility. Some people feel more valuable as a prized possession than as a person. It is objectifying because the submissive wants to be objectified. This is the symbolism that makes them feel loved and, ironically, empowered.
Some people felt that inviting someone to this would be like inviting them into our bedroom. The truth is that, for many, BDSM isn't just something that happens in a sexual context. If Arkalem and I are both sitting down and I want something from the kitchen, I will probably ask him to get it for me rather than getting it myself. Doing things to make me feel important makes him feel important. There is nothing sexual about him getting me a glass of water, but it is still submissive. These roles define our interactions with each other no matter the context. As a result, even our non-kinky friends are somewhat aware of them.
However, to answer a particular question, many collaring ceremonies that weren't trying to be vanilla friendly would involve more kink than this one. Some might include a flogging or a piercing. Many are usually held during, or right before a "play party," which is BDSM in a sexual context. Ours will just be followed by a pot luck where we'll have some friends sing and spin fire. Think of it as more of a commitment ceremony that uses a BDSM framework.
These communities are still very fringe. Being so tied up in sexuality its hard to think of them outside that context. But polyamory and BDSM are both about more than who and how you have sex. They're about love. And expressing that love. Thank you Offbeatbride for helping us show that. We don't expect everyone to get it all at once.
* Polyamory is no more commonly accepted amongst the Jewish faith than the Christian one. I only speak of my personal beliefs here.