I refuse to wear a fake smile on my wedding
Friends & Family Advice
Guestpost by
on January 16, 2012
38
Photo by Whitney Lee.
After a very hard year with lots of family drama I came to the realisation that the definition of family does not limit itself to one's blood line. With my upcoming nuptials many family members have been asking whether I will be including members of the family that they know for a fact have nothing but bad wishes for me. To which I have honestly said "No."
My reasons are simple.
I refuse to wear a false smile at my wedding.
I refuse to have that moment where I really don't want to go over to a particular table to greet them as a newly married woman.
My only fake smile should be directed at the photographer as I pose in every which way in my gorgeous dress. It will not be directed at individuals who would show up out of spite and maliciousness.
I want to feel gorgeous from the inside out, be beaming with love and affection for my new husband and newly adopted family. And while many think I will regret my decision, I truly believe that my wedding day is not a day to fix wrongs — that can be done in therapy.
So! To all those asking if I'm inviting those said individuals: again I say no. I am a woman of my word and I want to begin my life with my husband floating on a cloud of good vibes and best wishes. Save the drama for group therapy.
But what about those of you who didn't invite certain people and yet they RSVP'd anyway? Ariel has some advice for those of you in THAT sticky situation coming up later in the week. -Megan
About LaToya
I'm a great Caribbean woman, happy and proud to be married to a awesome man. Can't wait to contribute on my experience as a Caribbean, better yet, Barbadian Bride!
JoAnna said
Kudos to you! When it's time for me to get married I plan on having the same philosophy. Even if it means the only people on my side of the aisle are my parents
Enjoy your day!!
Kelly said
That's awesome. I did the same thing at my wedding. We just chose not to invite people that we knew were gonna cause drama and ruin the day for us and our family. If they choose to take that as an insult, well that's their choice.
Jessica said
Rock out girl!!
I did the same thing back at my first wedding and it was oh so worth it. Being strong and making it your day is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, your fiance and your guests because it will be the most relaxed and fun event ever.
Enjoy!! <3 <3 <3
TAFI said
Good philosophy. The people attending your wedding should know this. It will definitely make them feel special and contribute towards making the event more intimate.
Rebecca said
I applaud your courage, lady!
Shayna said
I am going to do the same thing, I'm glad I'm not alone. I always get the "You HAVE to invite your mother"…but actually I don't, because she never does anything but stress me out and make my feel guilty and tell me what a horrible person I am. Thank you for helping me not feel so alone.
vacantmuse said
I am also in your boat – "But it's your MOTHER!" "oh but you'll regret this looking back" etc etc… well no, actually, i won't regret not giving myself serious anxiety on my wedding day (and every living moment between then and now), and frankly she is not part of the family I am creating here.
I really needed an article like this right now, and I feel a lot better about being able to explain when people inevitably ask me why and how i could do that.
Jasmine said
I completely agree! There are certain family members who will not be invited to my wedding. I don't want to be around you any other day, so what makes you think I wanna start over on my wedding day???
Folks love to make things about them. Kudos to you for standing your ground!
Jess said
I didn't invite my own father to my wedding for similar reasons, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made during wedding planning. Good luck to all you ladies, and happy weddings!
Air Guitar Goddess said
I've never even met my husband's biological father, but from what I have heard, I don't blame my husband for not inviting him. Both my husband and my brother in law have told me that this guy was nothing more than a sperm donor and they consider their step-dad to be their real father. No one needs to deal with that kind of drama on their wedding day.
Ann said
Well done for taking a stand. Your wedding day is about YOU and your happiness.
There are no rules when it comes to your guest list, just a hell of a lot of old-fashioned expectation and familial obligation.
No couple should ever have to justify or even explain their guest list, even when the reasons aren't obvious to everyone else.
Tan'a said
Thank you x10000! The ONLY stress ive had during my planning process is the guest list and i refuse to let it anymore! I couldn't have said it any better
Kjirsten said
Anyone who truly loves you will continue to do so, invited or not. Anyone who doesn't, shouldn't be there anyway. Your day, your way.
nikki626 said
I'm not inviting them either! My stepmom found out on fb, "i have to tell your dad!" Reality check, he is the sperm donor as that is all he has ever done for me. Several people from that side of my 'family' have messaged me, "i heard you're getting married." "Yep, he's the most wonderful man I've ever met!" I have, for the most part, kept my bridal glee off fb so I don't have to field any further questions from the uninvited…
Stay strong! We're here for you!
In fact, as much as I love my mom, last week she almost got herself uninvited. She is too much drama for me most days…
Christen said
Good for you! I'm doing the exact same thing! There are a lot of people that "should" be there by tradition that won't even know it happened until it is too late, haha. Even the family members that barely made the cut are getting only invitations like everyone else, not a role in the wedding. I WILL NOT have the energy of my wedding tainted by people like that.
megan evans said
i did the same thing! i got many many rude questions from people about why i didn't invite my mother to my wedding. out of spite, pretty much my entire family didn't attend b/c i didn't have her there. but you know what? i was so relaxed and happy about the people there that were supporting me that i didn't have to deal with any nastiness. it made such a big difference to have only people there that loved us and supported us.
Kim said
Amen! I'm not inviting my paternal grandparents to my upcoming wedding. I was kind of worried about that decision so I asked my Dad what I should do. He actually looked relieved and agreed that I shouldn't invite them because of how they have treated my family. They didn't even come to my parents wedding 30 years ago because they thought my mom was too 'low class' for their family and my dad was making a huge mistake. Mom and Dad are still happily married so nanana to them. Haters gonna hate.
Caroline said
I was *that* person, I was going through a crappy time dealing with abuse and as a byproduct, got uninvited to my fiance's friend's wedding.
I'd make it clear that you as the bride and groom made the decision.
I ruined those poor people's wedding because I was told first by the bride that I was indeed invited, and then told by my fiance that her dad wanted me out. Because of my history with an abusive, controlling father, I decided to show up instead.
If she'd just told me the truth outright "I don't want you here" I'd have backed out right away no questions asked.
I guess what I'm getting at is to PLEASE be honest if you don't want someone there.
There are stupid people like me out there.
Erika said
I think you have a great attitude. The only thing I'd suggest is not faking your photo smile, either. I'm a photographer and, trust me, it comes through when you're faking it. (Looks less like a smile and more like a grimace. No one wants that…) It sounds like you're going to have an awesome day, so just be yourself. It's your photographer's job to capture your genuine, newly married, joy.
MapleBay said
I applaude your strength. My family drama almost ruined my reception and I wound up going back and forth between two sides trying to keep the peace when all i wanted to do was drink and dance.
There is a stark difference between being selfish and simply refusing to be a doormat. Sending you mad love and peace.
Izzy said
GOOD. Why be miserable just be someone expects something of you? That's stupid. Those people would've been miserable and so would you. Might as well make yourself happy on the day that counts!
Jessi said
This is exactly the way I feel. My wedding isn't even until next year, and I already know I'm going to encounter this problem.
"Why didn't you invite your aunt and uncle?"
"Because they're overly religious and judgemental."
"But they bought you things."
"And that was very kind of them, but they only did it out of obligation to the family."
So, I'm very much behind this. Stick to your guns. It's your wedding. Yes, your families are coming together, but it's you and your to-be-husband that really matter in the moment.
Smerby said
Like others, I really needed this article. Unfortunately, I legitimately can't imagine not inviting certain members of my fiance's family… my big stress is trying to not have his incredibly religious, incredibly bigoted/homophobic, and incredibly intolerant sister be a bridesmaid…
Charis said
I had a similar situation…with both my immediate family members, and the church organist, believe it or not. My approach was to ask a close friend or relative to be the "handler" for each difficult person, and keep them under control and out of my way. Biggest regret: Not assigning someone to myself to make sure I relaxed!
Emma said
I guess its a cultural difference, I understand having your own siblings as your bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I don't get having each others. Unless you really want them of course x.
Smerby said
We come from pretty FOB-ish European families, where having anyone outside of the wedding party is generally "odd," but the newer generation is veering from that.
Karebear said
Yes. Thank you for writing this.
I truly believed our wedding (and time around it) would be drama-free as me and my now husband aren't drama people, and neither is my big (awesome) family.
My husband has always had some issue with certin members of his family, but little did he or I expect to have to un-invite the best man aka his brother from the wedding the morning of! It was painful, and we wished we had realized it would be an issue beforehand (esp. because they all flew from across the Atlantic!) but we had no idea that our wedding could bring out such drama in people. We are still unsure of what happened but I will say, as selfish as it may sound not knowing all the details, we are confident in the decision we made. We would have dealt with drunk drama and an explosive temper.
My sister's healer gave us some advice post-wedding since we were going through lots of emotions: Because of our society we feel the need to invite people out of obligation, but these types of ceremonies and events should only include people who love and accept you. And thank fully we did end up feeling that in the end!
Sarahatoz said
Good for you! Thank you so much for writing this. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I too have found the meaning of true family outside of blood relations. And I too value their live and support, and see them as far more worth my time and energy than some of my family. I've decided not to invite my mother after years of painful, awful things she's done, and thankfully, everyone who knows me accepts this decision. Best wishes to you on your big day, may it be filled with lots of genuine love and smiles!
Shannon said
Thanks for this post. I have to say I am looking at it from a different viewpoint. Now I am not engaged or married but I have been talking seriously with my bf about getting married and the wedding. He does not want his family there at all and I have always dreamed of having my family at my wedding so we are trying to find a compromise. And this just may be part of it. We make a pact to only invite people we want to be there and who love and support us. And that may not include his family. Anyways, thanks for the support.