Avoiding engagement ring envy, or: How I learned to love the symbolism
Philosophizing
Guestpost by
on December 22, 2011
101
Thanks to KT Wilson for uploading this to our Flickr Pool.
Engagement ring envy — the stuff of legend and myth? Or a nasty side effect of being engaged and the wedding industrial complex?
Recently I met up with an acquaintance of mine after not seeing her for many, many years, and we were discussing her recent engagement (cue the typical "oohs" and "ahhs" from me). She then proceeded to wink at me and say her new fiancé was taking her to Tiffany on Bond Street in London. I am sorry to say that almost automatically that ugly little Wedding Industrial Complex demon was ranting in my ear…
Demon: You know… you LOVE Tiffany…
Me: I am well aware of that.
Demon: You know… you always DREAMED of having a Tiffany engagement ring.
Me: Your point?
Demon: Well… she has just got engaged, what if she will have the engagement ring that YOU always wanted?
Me: Fuck…
As you can see, it's a sneaky little demon that feeds on your wishes and fantasies. Or, in this case, the wishes and fantasies of twelve-year-old Sarah. The Sarah who was determined to marry a dark eyed, handsome man who had plenty of money in the bank and would ask her to marry him on top of the Eiffel Tower.
I have spent a few hours now considering my rather extreme reaction to her happy news and I have come to a conclusion: screw you, little demon.
- Am I getting married? Hell yes, I am.
- Am I having my dream wedding? Not exactly… but this wedding is more than I could ever dream of.
- Am I marrying a dark eyed, handsome man with plenty of money in the bank? Well, he is dark eyed, incredibly handsome and, alright, he doesn't have a lot of money, but he has a heart of gold and, last time I checked, the gold prices were rising. He is incredibly valuable to me.
So I started to think, why the hell am I so jealous?
It was then that I realized: the entire culture of engagement rings almost asks for it. Many women have reported that other women have almost demanded to see their engagement ring. Some have even had to endure murmurs of, "oh, it is not a diamond" if they chose to step outside the norm.
An engagement ring is not about how much money it is worth, it is about locking in a moment in time. When I am old and in my dotage, I can look at my engagement ring, reflect on the lifetime of love it symbolises and also remember what position we were in our lives when it was bought. I can remember the days where our love held us together, despite money woes and how he made sure that, despite these woes, he bought me a ring anyway. I will be able to look into the eyes of my children and grandchildren and tell them that mum and dad/grandma and grandpa were meant to be together because they rode the ups and downs that life gives and how you know you have found the perfect person the day you hold their hand and step forward to beat down all that life throws at you.
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About Sarah Eliza
Sarah was born and bred in Kent in the United Kingdom. She recently graduated from a university with degrees in Applied Criminology and Psychology and she's trying to job hunt as well as plan a wedding! Currently, she spends her days looking after their three cats, one dog with a Napoleon complex, and a giant rabbit, whilst painting too many pictures for their tiny flat to handle.
Perstaria said
No envy here. I got exactly what I wanted. I told him from the word go I wasn't into diamonds, I didn't believe they were ethical. I wanted Cubic Zirconia, and I wanted it to be simple, elegant, and lovely. My ring is a white gold setting, large stone in the middle, and four very tiny ones to either side. It's sparkly, but not over the top, and no one even questions whether it's real.
I love it. I love how it symbolizes not only the promise we have made to each other, but the idea that he understands and honours and shares my values, my wishes, and my desires. It's really quite beautiful.
Ade said
One thing I heard a lot was a dismissive"Oh its cute". Way to sound unimpressed! It is a symbol and not a true measure of how much I am worth because I am priceless to him. I enjoy having a ring that doesn't rip my curls out or snag on gloves when I am caring for patients (yes I work in healthcare). I am a practical person and I got the perfect ring to match my personality. I was never envious of the giant rocks of my friends because they seemed to mean the opposite of the intended. What is more important true love or a giant rock?
Jenny said
im in healthcare too! i dont need a ring that stands 4 feet of my hand and catches on my gloves! as if! the last thing i want is to be cleaning blood out from between my stones!
Alicia said
My partner and I decided not to have an engagement ring – partly for monetary reasons, partly because in his home country they don't have engagement rings so he never thought to buy me one. I was torn up at first – how important was this to me? I decided that I didn't need one – the marriage was more important than the engagement or the wedding.
I never expected the backlash from the (mostly female)people in my life. When I tell people about the engagement the first thing they want to see is the ring. When I say we decided not to have one, there is always an awkward pause followed by them telling me it's okay that I don't have one (Thanks, I really need your approval).
The worst, though, is my mother. She won't accept that I don't have an engagement ring. She keeps pressuring me to pressure my fiance into buying me a 'proper engagement ring' and has even offered to lend us money for a ring. Who would have thought something as simple as an engagement ring would cause so much trouble?
Sarah said
It was nuts that we met. It was nuts that we dated. It was nuts that we fell in love. Apparently we love nuts. He asked me to be completely nuts with him for the rest of our lives as he handed me a stainless steel ring with a hex nut soldered onto it. Yes; a hex nut, like nuts and bolts, like from the hardware store. It's perfection and I smile every time I look down. Outside of explaining to my dad and grandma that, no, we're not going to add a stone to it… even a fancy one you can screw in and change out by the seasons. When we wed in September, it will be my deceased mother's wedding set that I will put in that place; however, I know that there will be days, I'll prefer to wear my nut.