10 blunt-but-loving ways to tell people they're not invited to your wedding
Friends & Family Advice
By
on September 07, 2011
68
But…I thought we were friends? (Sad Face © by włodi, used under Creative Commons license.)
Oh, the trials of the wedding guest list. Especially if you're throwing a smaller wedding, dealing with frustrations from family and friends who aren't invited to your wedding can be grueling. You've sent out the invites, and then you hear from someone who isn't on your guestlist expressing confusion, concern, or even anger. WHY WASN'T I INVITED!?
I wrote about this in my book — dealing with your wedding's guest list can make you feel like a big mean club bouncer, deciding who's in and who's out of the VIP line. While there's no way to make everyone happy, I do believe that there are a few key phrases you can use to let uninvited guests to that you love them, you SO appreciate their interest, but no, they're still not invited. Below, I've wrassled up ten of my favorite copy 'n' paste guest list rejection responses.
How you want to approach your response can depend on which angle you want to take. Whatever you do, don't get into the specifics of how many people you're inviting or how you're choosing guests. Keep it vague and loving.
BLAME THE BUDGET:
Due to tight limitations on our budget, we've had to be pretty brutal in chopping down our guestlist. I'm so sorry that you can't be there with us on the day, but we look forward to catching up afterwards!
Since we are paying for the wedding ourselves, our budget is very limited. It's SO hard not to go into debt over this, because of course we want to invite everyone… but we're really trying to kick off our marriage by being financially responsible about the wedding.
We would love for you to be there with us, but because of our tight budget, we weren't able to invite as many people as we would have liked. But if possible, I would love to find time for a one-on-one visit after the big day!
POINT TO INTIMACY:
We made the difficult choice to keep our wedding pretty intimate, and unfortunately that means there are a lot of friends and family who won't be there on our wedding day. I hope you can understand that it's nothing personal, and respect our wishes to keep our sacred event small.
There are so many people we would love to have been able to invite, but we're trying to keep our wedding small. It means so much to me that you're interested, and I sooo wish I could have everyone there with us!
Oh, man. We SO wish we could invite everyone… but we made the difficult decision to just keep the wedding very small — mostly just close family.
We're keeping our wedding pretty small, so we're only able to invite our very closest family and friends. This means we just can't invite everyone we'd like, as much as we'd love to. I'm so sorry that we can't extend an invitation.
BLAME THE VENUE/FAMILY:
The venue we've chosen comes with some pretty stringent limitations on the number of guests we can invite. The process of making our guestlist has been really difficult for us, and I hope you can understand that it's nothing personal — let's make plans now to meet up after the wedding!
Our venue has a limited number of people they'll allow, and our guestlist is primarily taken up by very close family and the wedding party. I hope you can understand how difficult this process has been for us — there are so many people we wish could be there with us.
DANCE AROUND THE ISSUE:
I discourage the use of white lies, but some folks like going this route:
"While we don't have the guest list finalized yet, we're only planning for our families and closest friends, due to money and space issues."
Ultimately, remember that no matter how loving or articulate you are, people are entitled to their feelings of disappointment. Try to remember that their disappointment comes from a place of LOVE: they want to be with you on your wedding day! You're not responsible for their disappointment, nor can you control it — all you can do is try your best to be respectful and kind, and make sure they know that you understand how much they care. But then you've got to release it, and get on with your planning.
About Ariel Meadow Stallings
Author of Offbeat Bride: Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides, Ariel acts as the publisher of all the Offbeat Empire websites. She lives, loves, and dorks out hard in Seattle, WA.
Colleen said
Of course this is a lot easier if you don't mind meeting rude with rude. I had some people I hadn't spoken to in years ask where there invite was and I always was just like "We only sent invitations to those we have maintained contact with recently outside of asking for an invitation."
Rachel said
This is pretty much what I'm doing. Our wedding isn't tiny (approx 100) and it's mostly friends, but even with those numbers, it fills up very quickly with people we speak with on a regular basis – and in most cases, have known for quite some time. When people ask me why I haven't invited X, Y or Z random aquaintances or friends of friends, I just say I've only invited people I actually hang out with.
There have been a few people we both really like but couldn't invite because we needed to get numbers down, but most of the people I've been directly asked about are either a) people we haven't seen or spoken to in years, or b) people we were never friends with in the first place.
Rachael said
Great ideas! Except for the white lie deal. I really discourage this.
I had a roommate/friend lie to my face and tell me I was invited to his wedding (after I asked him politely to tone down the wedding talk – as I would understand if I wasn't invited, but I didn't want to hear all the details of an event I wouldn't be attending).
He and his fiance then talked about their wedding with me for 9+ months and ended up not inviting me – completely disrespecting me and ignoring my wishes on the subject. They never once discussed their decision with me – though I would even have been fine with a "plans changed, sorry" conversation. It left me really raw and upset with them both – I would have completely understood if they had been honest with me from the start. It was just so unnecessary.
Ariel Meadow Stallings said
I'm totally with you. I offered the white lie as a compromise, for those who just don't feel empowered to tell the whole truth.
Anali said
I deinatley agree with Rachael, but at the same time understand why you've given white lies as examples.
I've always been a fan of the didn't ask, don't tell, idea. Meaning, if someone doesn't specifically ask why they aren't invited, don't bother insulting them with a lie(this even works in a work situation, meaning you don't have to tell your boss why your asking for the day off if they don't ask. And I'm not using insult in a negative way even though it sounds like it)
I find people are too apologetic about things that they don't need to be. My husband and I just ran away to get married last week and we are going to give out mini photo books to the people who weren't invited, but would liked to have been a part of it. The first page of the book says "sorry you weren't invited, but we didn't even invite our own mothers, how could you expect us to invite you and not them?"
J said
It "could" be useful with people you will not likely see again before hand and have not kept in contact with… as in you don't even have their address
Sarah said
The white lie answer could be useful with very distant acquaintances angling for an invite who you won't see again before the wedding, it's not appropriate with someone you see and speak to about the wedding every day! It sounds like your room mate told you a big black lie!
Mona said
I am not quite sure why I would send "uninvitations", does not getting an invite not say enough? I would be disappointed to find a letter in the mail or a card that then turns out not to be an invite but the opposite, even if I was not angling for an invitation. Telling people in person would be the best. I apologize if the replies you propose in the post are indeed the ones to be conveyed in person or by e-mail, I just did not quite get it at first. Is this in case invitations are sent out, and people know about it already? Otherwise, getting the "yes, you are a friend, but *just* not close enough" right without offending is difficult. To be simply left of the list would be almost better for me, personally.
How does one deal with a cost-defined maximum guest list of 100 and leaving of friends from the guest list, if very few from the original list can actually make it, even after us asking in advance? I had to tell good acquaintances in person that we could not afford to invite them, but promised to include them if others would cancel, we knew a lot of US guests would likely not make it to the wedding in Europe. Sadly by the time we knew the others could not get time off to attend.
Little Red Lupine said
I think this is more a way to deal with people who ask where their invitation is or who don't get the hint. Or who ask before invitations are sent out. I certainly won't expect anyone to send out "you're not invited" cards.
Natalie said
I don't think Ariel was suggesting you should make a point of telling people they are not invited. As in, she is not mailing letters out saying "Sorry, you are not invited to the wedding but we love you!". I think this advice is meant to field requests or hints for invitations from people who are not invited.
Ariel Meadow Stallings said
OMG, I am absolutely NOT suggesting anyone seek people out to tell them they're not invited. This post is offered for those dealing with the quite common experience of having coworkers, friends-of-friends, or other acquaintances ask point blank if they're invited.
M. said
Thank you for the clarification, I was sure you did not recommend sending actual rejection letters, and speculated on the possible effect of doing so, I hope my comment did not offend. Your advice on how to tell people nicely that they won't be on the list is really good.
ryvir said
If I got a HEY YOU'RE NOT INVITED SORRY card in the mail I think I would die laughing.
Kim said
We are having a very small wedding (38, including us), and basically were straightforward with people. Since we had originally planned for a larger wedding, but ran into budget issues, we simply let people know that we were only going to invite parents, siblings and spouses, and those friends who would have been the wedding party (and their spouses/significant others) in a larger wedding. People have been pretty understanding so far and nobody has pitched a fit yet (fingers crossed)
Jessica said
This is pretty much our exact situation. We had a whole big wedding being planned with 175 guests and then came to a sudden realization that it was way too much money. We ended up moving the entire thing from NJ to MA and saving us like 30K in the process. I have to now figure out how to tell people that thought they were invited at first (cause they were) that we are budget constrained and can't invite them. We are only inviting parents (unfortunately because of divorces and remarriages there are a lot of those), siblings (and only the close ones. I have some I hardly ever hear from), grandparents, 2 aunts and 2 uncles each, the bridal party, and 4 friends. We're pretty limited to 40 guests and at the rate it's going there isn't going to be a lot of elbow room.
J said
This is what we did (same amount of people too) except it is my family and his family & friends – though we just call them family.
Amy said
Same here. Our wedding is going to be about 40, and we are mostly only inviting family. The few close friends that we invited meet the following criteria: we both know the friend relatively well, and at least one of us has been friends with the person for years. I am inviting my best friend of 15 years and another close friend I've known for 10. He's inviting a few friends he's known since high school. Everyone else is a relative.
Everyone who has asked if they're invited has been polite and understanding when I mention that we just want a small, intimate ceremony with mostly family.
Colleen said
If you're going to blame the budget, venue, etc., make sure that your friends don't later find out something to the contrary. If you told them that the venue was small but then they see Facebook photos of a huge ballroom, they might be hurt if they were already a little stung by not being invited. Or if you say you're aiming for a small, simple affair and then they see photos or hear stories of this big lavish event, you might damage their trust. It's good to set limits about who you invite, but be careful not to get yourself caught in a white lie. Stories and photos from weddings circulate for so long (and your friends may share them even if you yourself keep mum) that the "evidence" will betray you.
Amanda said
YES! THIS!
) but regardless, it really stung that she would lie. Since the 'net makes what you would want to have intimate, public, be careful of what you weave in order to back out of awkwardness….
Gah. I made the mistake of asking how my Little in my sorority's wedding was going and saying it would be lovely if there was room for me (totally understanding if she didn't have a place since it was late in the game, and we were catching up at a mutual friend's wedding) She bowed out citing space issues, then come to find its a HUGE wedding.
Now, shame on me for fishing for an invite (I have since learned my lesson thanks to OBB
M. said
Sometimes even a huge wedding may have "space" issues. I attended the wedding of my friend and coworker withh 300+ guests, but most people were friends of the parents, and the respective families were huge. The number of friends and acquaintances of the couple attending was comparatively small. Another friend wanted to invite me, but in the end had to stick to her parents' guest list since they were paying, and was very honest in telling me about it.
Jessamarie said
This is exactly the fear that I am having. I have a huge family, we have a ton of friends and we struggled to get the guest list down to 300 (we're aiming for 250 people actually attending). Plenty of people I genuinely like and see on a regular basis got bumped to the C list and probably won't get an invite. I feel like no matter how honest I am about money and space limitations, people will still be hurt because "We could only invite 300 people" sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Colleen said
I think you can explain that "we have a huge family" and most people understand. If there are parental or cultural factors (such as your fourth cousin is invited and they aren't) explain that it's what your family/community does.
Noleeniebeans said
I'm having the same issue. Our venue can hold 160 people comfortably, but we currently have 200 people on our guest list (that's with some people cut from it)! We both have huge families and it's really hard to pare down the list even more.
And of course, we have more people that pop up. GAH!
Nikki said
I am NOT looking forward to figuring out who to invite, since I have at least 50 people on my father's side of the family alone, then there's my mother's side (which I'm not as close to but still), HIS family, our friends, etc. Eloping starts to look better and better, I swear.
Jac said
One of our relatives is no longer speaking to us because of our invitation decisions – because we didn't invite his (adult) daughters. We tried the "closest family and friends" line suggested and his response was that family comes before friends. Never mind the fact I have never met the two daughters in question, and wasn't even aware of the exitence of one of them. Apparently, my dear friend of almost 25 years isn't as important as they are, because they happen to share some genetic material with my husband.
I think some people just WANT to get upset about stuff. Le sigh.
Kortnee said
I'd be hard pressed not to go ape on him if I were in your shoes. That whole "family before friends" mindset just boils me. You shouldn't have to invite people you've never met and didn't even know about until recently just to appease realitives. I'd rather invite ten friends than ten realitives I've only met once or twice.
The guest list is definitely the main thing I'm not looking forward to about wedding planning. The thought litterally makes me want to crawl under a rock.
PlanningAhead said
My childhood next-door neighbor saw me at an event last weekend when I was visiting my family, and asked me straight out, "So, can I invite myself to your wedding?" Thankfully, I'd considered that she and her family (including the children I babysat for) might be interested, and had time to think of a response (a variation on the one I've been using, although no one else has been quite so blunt). I treated it with the same sense of lightness and said, "Oh, we're keeping it down to about 20 people" — funny how that concrete number seems to reframe people's expectations! — "but let's get together sometime so we can catch up." And I found out that she and her son are often in the city where my fiancee and I live, and would be happy to meet up one evening. There we go! (Although she did insist on saying, "Well, I'm buying you a present anyway!")
Tina O said
Whatever happens don't ignore it. My husband and I weren't invited to his best man's wedding (and he was marrying one of my bridesmaids) and J is really hurt by it. I hate seeing my husband bummed out like that. Makes me want to go Tinazilla on them, but I know that wouldn't be productive.
Emma H said
Oh Tina, that is awful. I hope I am not rubbing salt in a wound by saying this, but how could you be left off that guestlist?
Julie said
In that type of situation, you always wonder what happened that you (or in this case, your husband) weren't invited. A formerly very close friend didn't invite me to her wedding years ago. It put a definite chill in the relationship, and I hardly see her anymore. We were both part of a large community, and "everyone" was invited. There was a roommate disagreement right around that time, and I think she lumped me in with the other roommates. But she didn't even talk to me about it, which I think was cowardly.
Ricky Shetty said
We had only 70 guests at our wedding so had the same problem – thanks for your insights!
brarydog said
From someone who expanded her list from 15 to 22 guests: when talking to the not-invited, DO express the desire to connect in your first year of marriage, and DON'T be too apologetic. (and if you are prone to guilt, avoid talking to the not-invited too much before the wedding.)
If you apologize too much, or give too many different reasons (stage fright! budget! venue! timeline!) it just reminds people that they aren't invited. People are way more insulted by NOT being invited, than by having to turn down an invite because it's far away/expensive/whatever. Also, apologizing too much gives the less scrupulous a signal that you feel guilty. They will then work on you (or your mom, or your spouse) to make you feel bad until you invite them or whomever they're angling for (their kids, aunts, new boyfriends, etc).
My wedding was 2 weeks ago and it was tiny – 22 people. My hundreds of friends and family who WEREN'T invited were very accepting and supportive the first time I told them that we were having just nuclear family and local friends who were "like family" to BOTH me and my husband. I think I over-explained, giving too many different reasons, in stead of Shutting The F Up about it until after the wedding was over. Thus, a family friend who's a pain the arse worked on my mom's guilt triggers HARD. We still didn't invite her, and I'm glad, but it was uncomfortable because my mom is a compulsive apologizer.
Having a 4-month engagement helped me out – less time to waffle on the list. It also helped that my parents are planning a big, laid back anniversary party next year in their town (where I grew up – across the country).
Leaning on the budget or venue excuse is tricky. Miss Manners, whose philosophy is very "people first, money/pomp second," advises to figure out the guest list FIRST, and then figure out where to host them and how to feed them. She says that if you have a large list, it's better to serve punch and cake than to cut people based on dollars. So if you try to lean on the budget or venue, expect that people might say (or think), "well, if you can't host all your guests there, you should find another venue."
C Lane said
Agreed! Keep it simple!! I too am having a microscopic wedding (16 guests). There are have several close friends and any family beyond immediate who are not invited. I just explained that it was for immediate family a couple of old friends, and that while I loved them, they were not invited. This includes couples from 3 weddings we've been to in the last year. While if felt awkward, they all have been wonderful, many saying they wish they'd done the same for their weddings, regretting they'd let the wedding mania get away from them. Honesty with love is the way to go, even if it gives you a squirmy tummy at the time.
IppyHooray said
Perfect timing for this post! Our invites went out on this week to our 42 guests (significant creep up from our initial goal of 30). We have been really strong in some areas – like informing some of our guests that their partners aren't invited (because either I or Mr Hooray have yet to meet them).
But one area I'm struggling with is when you have invited only one member from a group. I have a group of three girlfriends but I'm extremely close to one so only invited her. However, she lives in the same city as the other two women and sees them/ talks to them much more regularly. I feel that to make things easier for her, I should say something to the other two about why we haven't invited them but don't know where to start.
Anyone else been in this boat? Would love to hear what worked for you…
Emma H said
This time last year I would have been thankful for this post. We had a relatively small wedding (it was intended to be 100 guests)and in order to keep within numbers we decided not to 'plus 1' everyone and not to invite new boyfriends of old friends of my husband (who all knew each other going back some ten years anyway). However, we had a phenomenal amount of regrets, or at least it felt like that to me, (and quite a few who didn't bother to reply at all), and we had locked ourselves into a number with the venue where we ended up paying for nearly twice the amount of people that were actually there.
Sometime after I was chatting to a colleague in work and she suggested that perhaps the reason a lot of people did not want to come was because they were not given a plus one. She said she wouldn't go to a wedding where she couldn't bring a boyfriend/ guest and to be honest looking back on it I wish I had given those people a plus one because leaving aside the unavoidable regrets we probably would have arrived at about our number anyway and it would have been a lot more of a pleasant experience for myself and my husband.
Now I am not criticising people's right to decide who they do and don't invite to their wedding, but when I saw this post I couldn't help but comment, don't be too rigid with the guest list, keep in mind that some people will not be able to come (someone on OBBT told me only 60 -70% of people invited to any event turn up) and try to make it as pleasant an experience for those who can/ do want to come. I say this only from my personal experience.
MB said
I wouldn't rely on the 60-70% figure. I had about 100 guests at my wedding, having invited about 100. As far as I can remember we had only one couple decline as they were due to have a baby (far, far away) shortly before the wedding, in fact they announced it while our invitation was in the post.
You'd need some flexibility in your budget to take this risk I think.
Ariel Meadow Stallings said
I mention this in my book, but the RSVP rate tooootally depends on the wedding. We invited 100 guests — and had 110 show up.
Nicci said
I have to admit that I have not been invited to a wedding recently that I fully intended on being invited to, just based on our friendship, the size of her wedding, me letting her know she's welcome to come to my wedding, and the fact she was flying from her hometown to the town I'm living in halfway across the country to have her wedding where I know not that many of her local friends can fly out to. Most of my friends end up being really late in sending out invites so I didn't think anything of it when time passed and her and I kept exchanging wedding planning ideas and I kept telling her I can't wait to see her when she flies in, but alas, no invite – not even a "come to the after supper party" that doesn't cost money if you have a cash bar. I did feel offended and hurt, even though I acknowledge it's her right to invite or not invite who she chooses. And in return, I have taken her off facebook, as is my right. Weddings are tricky like that… it totally is people's right to be selective and in turn to feel disappointed, and there unfortunately may be such consequences to omitting people, such as them dropping you off their friends list.
What resonated with me from this experience though, was that for myself, I don't want anyone to not feel welcome to my wedding and we are having a very open door policy. Some people will get "after-supper invites" from us to help us budget on our catering costs, but an invite nonetheless and a very crasher-friendly zone.
I say all this fully acknowledging people are entirely entitled to crafting their guest list in any way shape or form that makes them happy and in the end that's what matters most, even if you have a friend or two defriend you on facebook or real life.
Rebecca said
Nicci, I had a similar experience to you. A friend of mine from my school days – we have kept in touch having gone to the same college and moved to the same city – recently got married and I was not invited, even to the evening reception. I would not say that I fully expected to be invited, but I thought that perhaps I would be seeing that I had invited her and her now husband, whom I had only met on one occassion, to my wedding some 6 months previous. I was very hurt by this and I have to say it has changed my opinion of her.
It also changed my opinion on restrictions I made to my own guestlist and I wish I had been more open. I left other friends off my guestlist to accomodate her and I hope they didn't feel the hurt that I did when I was not invited to her wedding. I am not challenging anyone's right to decide who they invite to their wedding, but I changed my opinions somewhat being on the other side of the equation so to speak.
Katee said
Has anyone avoided inviting family to their wedding in order to accomodate for friends?
I have a very large, extended family, who I know have never understood my offbeat ways, and who I don't see and don't like! I would much prefer a wedding surrounded by the family I love and the friends I see everyday who understand the relationship I have with my partner – not spend thousands of dollars on a bar tab and favors for a bunch of relatives I could care less about, and who could care less about me!!
Any opinion?
Jenny said
Katee –
Be brave: Invite the people you want, and don't invite the ones you don't want. It doesn't matter whether they're related to you.
And if you're worried about being bullyragged about your choices, pick one of the messages Ariel mentions, tailor it to fit, memorize it, and repeat it as needed ad nauseum.
Good luck!
Kitty said
I have a huge family, and I'm not inviting at least half of them. There's an annual 'family day' and only the people who I see there every year are invited. I think the fact that the uninvited aren't interested in these family days says enough. Plus, most of them I haven't even spoken to in years, so I don't think it's a problem.
On the other side, my FMIL expected me to invite her nieces – I've never even knew they existed, and FH couldn't remember their names. They ended up on the guestlist anyway, because it's not worth it to get into a fight with FMIL.
Kim said
Katee: the monster size of my family is exactly why we are having such a small wedding. I have almost thirty first cousins, all of whom would expect to bring a guest, not to mention all of the aunts and uncles. I am not close with the majority of my extended family, but if I were to invite any of them I would pretty much have to invite all of them to keep the peace in the family. If I were to invite all of them, I would never be able to afford to invite ANY friends, many of whom are close like family members. So, we opted to not invite any extended family on either side and only immediate family and a few close friends. Anyone who is pissed will either get over it or not, but really there was no way to do it without pissing someone off, so we figured we would just piss everyone off instead
brarydog said
YES we did exactly this and it was a lovely day. again, we're having another, bigger, cheaper-per-head party next year, but the actual wedding was immediate family and 7 friends.
Christina said
Katee – my fiance and I have been working on our guest list recently too. Neither of us are super close to our extended family, and if it were really up to us, we would not invite any of them (except my one aunt who I am close with). Neither of our parents are pushing to invite family which makes things easier too. So in the end – we have decided to invite only aunts and uncles from both sides and no cousins (this cut about 30 people from the list)…we are aware that some of our aunts will likely not come because cousin's aren't invited…but since we don't have a relationship with them anyways – we aren't going to let that bother us!
SabrinaBee said
I had this dilemma as well. I have an Aunt and Uncle that live in the same city I do that I want to invite, however, I have no sort of connection to my other aunts and uncles at all. However, you invite one and you invite them all, so in order to not upset the all important "family order" everyone is getting an invite…for a WEEKDAY WEDDING. I know for certain that they won't be able to make it, so no one is offended and I get my small wedding.
Lilly said
my FH is the youngest of 11 children- both his mother & father had children from previous marriages: we only have active relationships with about 4 of them, 3 i've never even met, and the others are only involved with us if we go to them & make the effort, even then sometimes no. given the amount of siblings, his family is GIANORMOUS & our reception venue is limited to 120 people at max capacity- we are not inviting everyone, in fact, we're not inviting some siblings. we talked a lot about who to & not to invite (some of my family doesn't get along well & i really don't have much to do with them) and we ultimately decided that it is our wedding, we will have the people who mean the most to us there- albiet blood family or heart family
you don't have to be rude about it, but if someone pointedly asks (like we've already had & our wedding is over a year away)i've used these two responses respectivly: for people we are NOT inviting "We're focusing on having a small wedding, as we're paying for everything ourselves so it's going to be hard to include everyone." for people we're not sure if we can but would like to "We really haven't got the guest list figured out yet, but i'm glad to know you're interested in being a part of our big day!"
Sarah said
My other half and I have the same problem. I just want to invite more fiends then family to our wedding which is only a guest list of 40. I would much rather be surrounded by people I see all the time and am very close with rather than a family member who I only see once a year at the least and dont really talk to.
Erri said
this has been a bit of a help – but maybe you guys can help me too…..
were having an extremely small destination wedding – about 12 guests will come, and not even family to the reception (it will be an intimate dinner)
my highschool best friend has always announced that she would be my maid of honour if i ever got married. We have lived in different cities for years, Ive had a child with my partner and settled down, while shes still on the party circuit – we still keep in contact and get together, but we live very different lives.
while we would like to invite her (not as a bridesmaid – that is my sister in law) we dont know how to approach this. we dont want her to bring her boyfriend either to such a small wedding (whom neither of us have met, and most likely will not be with her for much more than a few months)
but we dont want to expect her to pay for flights and accommodation, just to be there, and she dosnt know any of the other guests.
help!!
Colleen said
If she's a close friend, be honest. Tell her that unfortunately the maid of honor role went to a family member and that you're not having a big wedding party. I think she'd still be honored to be invited to such an intimate event, though she may see it differently. Tell her who else will be there and explain that because this is so intentionally tiny, you'd rather she not bring a date. (Though if you really want her there and can throw out this concession, do–as others have said, it might make the difference between her coming or not.) If there's another solo guest who might welcome a roommate, offer to pair them up to cut their costs and help them meet other guests.
Let her know that she is absolutely welcome but not obligated to come… and then let her make her own decision like the adult she is. If she can't make it, try to plan a get-together or a trip to her city after the wedding so you can enjoy some special time together.
Lauren K. said
If you want your friend there, invite the boyfriend. As you said, they would be paying for flights and accommodations, and probably using up vacation time. So think of it as a trade off. And, they might not come at all.
Elyn said
I have not yet had anyone uninvited assume they are invited. I've actually had the opposite scenario with friends assuming they might not be invited and me saying, "Of course you'll be there, silly!"
However, shortly after announcing my engagement I made a Facebook filter for only invited guests and whenever I talk about the wedding publicly, I do it there. This was so worth the 10 minutes it took me to put it together!
Amanda said
Can someone (a reader or anyone OBB perhaps) make a quick tutorial of how to do this???? I'm sure it would go a long way to help brides! I'm not too tech savvy…so I thought to ask on here.
PlanningAhead said
(Reposted from an OBM thread)
It's really easy to create a filter to divide groups of people on your friendslist. Just make a smaller list (or more than one) and assign friends to it.
You can filter *incoming* content to avoid seeing status updates from your list at large — put your 20 best buds on a list and then use that as your news feed. Put your family members on another list and switch over to that to see what's up with distant cousins before you head to Grandma's for Thanksgiving.
You can also filter *outgoing* content to protect sensitive eyes/ears. I have one list for my older or more distant family members and their friends, for example — my aunt and uncle don't need to see party photos my friends tagged, or be able to comment on everything my coworkers post on my Wall. If you want, you can even post status updates that are visible only to some people or some list(s). (That's a quick recipe for drama if you don't say that right out, though! Let people know that the status is Bridesmaids Only or what-have-you.)
The UIs in these articles may be outdated, but as far as I know, the features are still available. Read and review!
http://www.allfacebook.com/fac…cy-2009-02
http://www.allfacebook.com/fac…ew-2009-12
At http://www.facebook.com/settings/?tab=privacy, use the Custom settings to block certain lists or individuals from seeing or doing X, Y, or Z on your profile. Also use View As… on your profile page to check, if you're not sure, whether Mom can see your latest photo album.
Mary Spiro said
A Facebook filter is one way to go, but another is a private event on FB. Only those invited to see that event will see it, not the whole FB world. I am also trying to deal with people who I either have not seen in a long time or those who I know casually who ask what's new and I say oh well I got engaged, then they say, when's the wedding and I say, next summer and they say, oh, I could probably make that. They ASSUME they are invited. It's a long way off so what I am hoping is by the time I get around to sending out the actual invitations like 6 months or more from now, they will have forgotten all about it.
Kate said
My wedding is in 3 weeks time… eek!
We had almost 70 family invited first up, both from large Irish families, some of whom announced way before we even thought about a date they wanted to come from overseas. I am also Catholic, so there was no way we could run away so to the church it is.
We kept a B list and sent them out in order of importance as relatives said they couldn't make it. Our limit was 100, though we booked tentatively to 120 in case. We came in at 94, with only one couple failing to respond at all. So with the fiance and I, looking at 98 at the most.
I absolutely HATED people continually asking if they were invited, I brushed most of it off with the "we're concentrating on family, then we'll think about friends". Now we're 3 weeks out, we're going with "If you were not invited, please don't be offended. We had to make some hard choices between family and friends, as well as keeping numbers reasonable. You are more than welcome to come celebrate with us at the Church!!".
So everyone is welcome to come to the church and celebrate with us, just the reception that is invite only.
Aside from people asking if they could come, it was people who were invited asking if they could bring their bf's/gf's we've never even met, because they knew x,y,z friend couldn't make it and figure their partner could have their spot
. Fiance approved them before I could say no, in the end, thankfully it worked out that we haven't gone over or I'd really be angry…
Bria said
I was using the tight budget response when people were trying to invite themselves and every other person in the entire world that they know, but I actually had to stop using it because everyone I said it to responded with "well, we/he/she just won't eat anything!" Gah!
brarydog said
exactly why Miss Manners advises "guest list first, what to feed them second."
Monica said
I was a little surprised at the few people who bluntly asked if they would be invited to our wedding. I know how expensive (and emotionally charged) a wedding can be so I would never put a friend or family member in the position of having to defend their choice or budget just to soothe my hurt feelings. For my own I just simply stated that since my family was so large and my husband's family rather small that we decided to keep it small so it didn't end up being all about my side. Anyone who protested further was then also told that if I didn't invite my last living grandparent I wasn't going to invite a cousin or a friend I didn't regularly spend time with. That seemed to make the few people who were really pushing for an explanation realize that maybe they were being a little insensitive. Please don't read this thinking I wasn't touched that family and friends I didn't really think I was close to wanted to celebrate with us but I felt that the day needed to be about my husband and I and not everyone else.
Hannah said
I was just about the drama queen of my best friend's wedding (forgive me, I was 18 at the time). She and her husband met because he was the driver for my car-less loser boyfriend from another town. I invited her when they'd come over and sparks flew. Then my boyfriend and I broke up, and it was REALLY not pretty. It took me many years to get over the way he treated me and about nine months into the aftermath came this wedding. I was a bridesmaid, and he, being an asshole, was not in the wedding party. I was told that he was invited to the reception, but not the wedding, and he showed up anyway, and I had a fit. She explained to me later that they felt like they had to invite him since he was part of the reason they got together, and even though I HATED IT, I saw her point. I don't know how I could have been so selfish on my best friend's wedding day, but um, bridesmaids, don't do that.
Flic said
I definitely think honesty is the best policy. As brides, my wife and I definitely did not want to offend anyone, but also had a very tight budget and venue capacity. A long-time friend of hers (in the UK)was invited to our Wales wedding without a plus one,(as were all our friends – even some with partners we'd met) and when he initially received the invitation he texted to ask her if his girlfriend could come (we planned from Australia). No explanation was given and we didn't even know her name at the time.Then, months later when someone else couldn't make it we let him know that yes, his girlfriend was welcome to come – but he still hadn't even confirmed his own attendance. Long story – in the end he saw it that we were rude in not inviting his girlfriend (who we didn't know) because at the time she was pregnant (which he hadn't told us)and apparently he couldn't afford to come unless she drove him (again this wasn't explained until about a week before the wedding.
I was pretty stroppy on my wife's behalf – this guy was meant to be one of her closest friends. Unfortunately he didn't make the effort and neither of them came.
I guess my point is that if you ask for someone to come for a genuine reason – tell the couple because they can't read your mind!
That is all
Kat said
This is an excellent topic and one I'm very interested in – I'm planning an intimate wedding with about 35 guests. We decided on something small to make it less complicated and so that we could really be with our guests for the weekend rather than just visiting tables for five minutes.
I do have to disagree with one part of this post though. I feel like the last 3 statements provided under "point to intimacy" are a bit off… They all seem apologetic and contradictory.
They state that it's about wanting a small wedding, but then say that "I sooo wish I could have everyone there with us!"… or "Oh, man. We SO wish we could invite everyone, but we made the difficult decision to just keep the wedding very small — mostly just close family."…
If you SO wanted everyone there, then you could make that happen. Those last three, in my opinion, belong in the "White lie" category because they just aren't true.
I say this because I have had to be very careful about what I say around my fiancee's extended family. While I haven't even met all my first cousins, he sees his third cousins regularly. I've seen his aunt 3 times in the last year and I haven't seen mine in 5 years. It's safe to say that they feel left out, because they are, but if I tried to pull off one of those lines on them, they would certainly call my bluff. You can be truthful without being rude – own your decision and let them know you still love them and will celebrate with them later.
Laura said
This is exactly the subject I've been kind of annoyed with lately…Since my guy and I go to different colleges, the "friends" list mainly only consists of mutual friends–from high school, etc–besides a few in the bridal party. Unfortunately, I have a friend who is insistent that I invite him to my wedding. He is not a particularly close friend, and my fiance, at most, might have met him once. He's already told me a couple times that he "better be invited." When I respond honestly that we haven't set the guest list but are really only inviting the friends we both know (seems to me like this should be a good hint?), he tells me that "If I don't get an invite, I'll cry!!" Joking about the crying–I think–but still serious enough to give me stress about my guest list. UGH.
Jenny said
Wow, this guy sounds like someone you don't want around *anywhere*, let alone your wedding. If it were me, I'd exclude him just because of his being a brat/stalker-in-training.
andrew said
Its your wedding…you can choose to invite whomever you wish….however if you leave people excluded who may consider you a good friend…be prepared to lose them…this is a real slap in the face…it just is.