Offbeat Divorce, Part 1: The Struggling
Relationship Advice
Guestpost by
on April 27, 2011
53
Photo by Caroline Welch of Constructive Tendencies
Nontraditional marriages end, just like traditional ones do. That in mind, I decided to ask a recently divorced friend to share some of her thoughts on divorce. This may not be what y'all planning weddings want to think about right now, but it's good information to have. -Ariel
Hi, my name is Kate and I failed. I had a somewhat offbeat wedding, was married for 8 years, ultimately failed at it, and got divorced. I'm starting this way because it's not something you hear people say very often. After a marriage falls apart (or serious problems are worked out), it's swept under the rug, put in the past, and never mentioned. This might make the newly-divorced feel better, but it creates a false impression that most people are happy and have never had these problems. When my marriage was exploding, I felt so alone and so defective in a world full of (apparently) shiny happy people.
In this post, I want to pass on a few of the things I learned while my marriage was struggling, before we decided to separate for good.
TALK TO PEOPLE
My initial instinct was to keep my problems to myself, for fear that people would judge or pity me. But I didn't want to perpetuate that illusion that marriages never struggle, so I summoned the courage to talk to my friends about what was happening. I didn't tell everyone all the details, but I gave at least a broad outline. Far from being judgmental, every single person I talked with was supportive and sympathetic.
To my surprise, three of my friends had previously been divorced that I hadn't even been aware of! Sharing my story led them (and several others I already knew about) to share their stories with me. I'd forgotten that it is struggles and challenges that bind friends together. During the hardest time of my life, I found myself blessed with a number of deeper friendships.
One word about this: everyone will react to your story through the lens of their own experience. If they struggled but made their marriage work, they'll assume (even if only subconsciously) that that's the best outcome for you. And vice versa. If you know this going in, you won't see their perspective as judgment; they're trying to help. I learned that everyone's situation is different, and nobody can know what's best for anyone else.
HANDLING THE GUILT AND ANGER
Chances are, one person in a struggling relationship is wrestling with guilt and the other is wrestling with anger. I don't want to share too many details about my situation, so I won't say which I was, but it was often unbearably intense. I had to learn to handle the feeling, both within myself and in my partner.
Just accepting that my partner was feeling his guilt/anger was a first step. I tried not to poke at it or make it worse. He did the same for me. But there's only so much we could do, and I had to come to terms with the fact that neither of us could make his negative feelings go away just by trying really hard. The emotions had a life of their own, and needed to run their course.
I'm going to ask you to bear with me as I use a couple of buzzwords: empathy and mindfulness. During my difficult times, I read two books about them that I found very helpful: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Radical Self-Acceptance by Tara Brach. Yes, the titles both sound kind of weird and new-agey; don't let that turn you off. They have a lot to say, but the very heart of what I got from them was that I needed to empathize with myself and my partner, and that means just HEARING what needs to be heard without trying to change it. And mindfulness is accepting and making room for the negative emotions instead of ignoring or fighting them. Letting them pass through. That may sound counterintuitive, but it made the difficult stuff seem smaller and more manageable.
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME
Beyond this, all I have to give is sympathy. When your life feels like it's falling apart, maybe permanently, it can be excruciating. In retrospect, I don't know how I kept my life functioning on a day-to-day basis. Cling to whatever things help you get through the moments. Some of the things I relied on were: a single song I must have listened to a thousand times, vodka, mundane housework, my job, writing things down, and walking on my slackline. Time moved so slowly that I often experienced a week's worth of emotions in a day or even less. But life went on, somehow.
Eventually, we decided to call it quits. In my next post, I'll share a few things I learned during that part of the process.
Part 2 will be coming next Wednesday.
About Kate Leroux
Kate Leroux is a thirtysomething mother of one living in Seattle. She works in the software industry and seeks out high places when she wants peace.
Suz said
As a twice-divorced person now preparing for my third (and LAST!!) marriage, I found myself recognizing and nodding along with this article – particularly the part about allowing the emotions to run their course instead of trying to fix right away. This applies ALL the time at all stages of a relationship: before, during and yes… after. *sad sigh*
Must have been very hard for you to revisit and slightly reopen some of those wounds. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Brittany said
As someone going through a rough stage of a committed relationship, thank you for this. I literally had to talk myself through letting my anger and frustration go last night because, consciously, I was aware of how little they were helping. I think empathy and communication help at any stage of the relationship, not just the bad ones.
Chris said
No, this is good. I feel like we're supposed to have "eventualities" in mind for every other area of life, but with marriages one doesn't speak of a "what if." As someone who cannot turn off her "what ifs" in ANY situation, I say thank you.
Silfailwen said
*hugs Suz* Wow, you sound like me: I'm twice divorced but have now been happily married for longer than both prior marriages put together. Sometimes it takes two or more times 'round the rodeo to get it right, but I think it shows strength and courage to not give up on love. Best wishes to you in your last and best!
Benita Wheeler said
On the journey on becoming divorce, I am learning it is not a failure, but it is a new chapter of discovery. I have learned a lot about myself, how strong I am. I never knew this person was in me. Sometimes a curse becomes a blessing.
Crystal Rae Horton said
I can totally relate to feeling like getting divorced is admitting failure. But you are completely right it is a new chapter of discovery, sometimes it just takes some time to see that. I'm finally seeing my divorce as a blessing because without it I would not be where I am today, and the place I am at today is worth all the heartache from the past. It is my life now and going in the direction that I finally want it to.
Lisa said
Great article, and bravo to you for coming clean about how much it hurts. I am a wedding photographer, and shooting other people's happy day was BRUTAL during my own divorce (after 13 years and one child). SO, I decided to start doing a little Divorce Photography and let it all play out on my (no longer current) blog: www.sunset-pig.blogspot.com. I can't tell you how many people said that hearing that they weren't alone in their pain helped them, and it was a super-cathartic experience for me. Hang in there.
Kate Leroux said
The idea of Divorce Photography is very intriguing! Are any of your photos still available to see anywhere?
Thanks (to you and the other commenters) for your kind words about the post.
Althea wiles said
I'm a wedding florist. Brutal is a perfect description of the year surrounding my divorce!
Through my whole divorce, I kept wishing for a divorce coordinator. Not someone to do the lawyer stuff, but someone to remind me of all the details like getting the utilities switched out of his name and when bills were due.
Love that you were able to use your skills proactively!
Shannon Osborn said
Thank you for writing this. I am divorced, and about to go into my second marriage. I appreciate your words, and I'm sure many other people will, too.
LM said
Thank you for posting this. Although I am not divorced myself, a close family member is and although she has never said it outloud to anyone – the line, "I failed" pretty much sums up the way she seems to have felt about her divorce. I look forward to reading the next part and hope that it will help me to better understand how I can help my family member through her struggles.
Justine Johnson said
I've only been married a year and a half (and never divorced) and honestly, can't imagine what you went through (and must still be going through) but I, too, wanted to thank you for sharing this. Marriage, like anything else, needs to have both sides shared to truly appreciate it.
Ruthie said
I'd like to echo all the gratitude pouring out in the comments. I'm not divorced, actually I'm newly engaged, and I think these life lessons can benefit everyone. What I appreciated the most is that you focused on what we can do for ourselves during times of relationship turmoil. Usually, articles explain how to communicate with the partner, or how to "make it better." Those articles completely leave out what we can do to take care of ourselves. So, thank you for sharing your experience and reminding us to focus on our own well-being during times of struggle.
Rancidgirl3875 said
Yeah, I failed too. I think that was one of the darkest and certainly longest feeling parts of my life and unless you go through it, you can't really understand that feeling of dread and tension that lives in your house with you. Massive kudos for being brave enough to talk about this in the open and for your kind words of advice.
suzanimated said
Thank you for posting this. Divorce and the emotional fallout that comes from it don't come up in honest discussion enough.
Candace Jurban said
Thanks for posting this. I am about to be married for the second time and I know exactly how each of these things worked. I've learned so much from my first marriage. It's good to have someone put the words "I failed" out there. Some of my friends would get angry when I would use those words but they were truly the words needed. I think it was harder since I have a son and the learning to deal with his feelings too. However, I didn't just fail I learned and I think that's the good part of it all.
KittyCatCorn said
Currently going through the "legal" divorce (since we've been apart in heart and mind for almost 2 years now) with a man I met when I was 18 and didn't understand the difference between pity and love. It was harsh, and it continues to be so, but ultimately I an happy knowing that we made the best choice for both of us. And had it not all panned out the way it did, I wouldn't be here reading OBB because the charming British gentleman (that I met soon after becoming seperated) and I are in the "let's talk about weddings and babies" stage.
Sunny said
Thank you so much for doing this – reading this was a powerful moment of clarifying for me what happened to us. I've been surprised how little talk there is in the Tribe, even though so many seem to be preparing for their second marriage. I wish I would have read this while my (offbeat!!) marriage was ending. Because neither one of us would acknowledge the guilt/anger, it became an abusive relationship. I found it so hard to talk about things to friends, who thought we had a model relationship, and a model though incredibly nontraditional wedding that was so tremendously meaningful.
Nougat McPhee said
Kate, I applaud you for "coming out" as a divorcee. I failed once, too, and it was so, so hard to admit to people. My husband dumped me, and I don't know how I got through it. I talked to people I hadn't talked to in way too long, even though it scared me, and they were kind and wonderful and supportive. I drank a lot more than I should have, and had a short, intense affair with a sweet guy who offered himself as an "excellent rebound" (his words). I moved 600 miles away and met lots of new people and my new husband. Somehow the whole thing still hurts to think about, but it's easier than it was.
Sharon said
So glad to finally see this talked about on here. As a previously featured Offbeat Bride I think I actually once said out loud "How come there are no blogs for Offbeat Divorce?" I related to a lot of the emotions in this post (and the advice about remembering that everyone will view this with their own lens is spot on). But at the same time I also felt much differently after my separation. I think because I'd been so miserable in the last 6 months+ of my marriage I felt this crazy relief when it was done. Nobody seemed to get that and it made my feel like I was cold-hearted or not processing my emotions correctly.
But the fact is while a lot of the feelings are universal it's also different for everyone. You'll heal at your own pace. Now that I'm planning my 2nd offbeat wedding some friends and family seem to think it's too soon. But for years I didn't think I was entitled to happiness. Now that I've found it I want to celebrate it and have learned a lot of lessons about making it last.
Althea wiles said
By the time I got to the place where I could file for divorce, I had already grieved the end of the relationship. It was over and there was no going back. To everyone on the outside, it looked like I jumped into a new relationship after only a couple of months, but inside, it was over a year of being alone. Time just works differently during stressful periods of life.
Even knowing I made the best decision and the right decision, I still (7 years later) feel like I failed. Not that I failed in the relationship, or that I let someone down, but that I failed myself by having to break a vow I made; the most important promise I ever made!
Katie said
I'm halfway to my divorce (In New Zealand we have to be seperated for 2 years before we can get divorced) in about 2 weeks. Its so strange to think that a year has gone by already. We had a very angry dramatic break up, On the night of a huge birthday party for me. I had to turn up to my party and explain to people what had happened. which took away a lot of the hard stuff of having to tell people individually or let the grapevine do it. I think it almost helped because i could tell everyone exactly what had happened and noone heard dstorteed versions from gossip. Then surprisingly i had an awesome night with my friends. they took my phone off me. made sure i didnt drink myself into a stupour. kept me dancing and eating. i barely even cried. that all came the next day. But looking back i always think it shows how well my friends know me. They know i'm a pick myself up and keep going kind of person. Noone tried to constantly talk about it. They just let me have a fantastic night and ignore it for a while. It really was a time for me to strengthen and deepen what were already pretty solid friendships. But what really bit at the time was noone else was even surprised. i felt like my life had just been one huge joke to everyone else. what could they all see that i couldnt. So yes. Failure was a word i had buzzing around for a very long time. I saw a counsellor at the time who said that that is a very female reaction – what was it about me that was wrong? what didnt i do right? Then my Father told me something that has become so incredibly important to me for amazing reasons. he said to me 'Men are essentially selfish creatures. Until they find the ones they will give it all up for. You just werent his one' I look at my Parents who have been together for 34 years and i know my father would give everything up for any one of us. So i found myself a guy like that.
Jo said
Your father's words just gave me chills. That is so simple and profound. Thanks for sharing…
Landry said
A different perspective: I absolutely reject the idea that my divorce means I "failed". To me, that word implies the possibility of success. But staying with someone with whom you are horribly incompatible is not success. Being married for 50 years but hating each other the whole time is not success.
A good marriage (or any relationship, really) builds up both people, makes them better in some way than they were before. Owning the fact that people and circumstances can change to the point where you are NOT building each other up, and responding to that by letting both people move on…that was a huge success for me and my ex. I did not fail, at all. I succeeded in moving from a bad marriage to a good life.
KathyRo said
Hi Kate, I'm Kathy and I don't think you failed.
More to the point, I'm tired of pretending that two people staying together for the rest of their lives is the "norm" when every statistical and personal evidence I've gathered is to the contrary. I'm tired of seeing guilt and self-loathing heaped on people during a difficult time. I'm tired of hearing long-running marriages dismissed as "failed" because, after 30 years, the couple decided to part. Oh, the whole 30 years didn't count because they parted? Pft.
From my perspective staying married to the same person your whole life is not automatically part of a person's makeup and you're not "flawed" if you can't do it. I like to think of it like singing : some people can do it and some people can't. Some people can't but work at it until they can. Some people work at it but still can't. Some people sing but then later in life their voice gives out. Whatever. Nobody says "I failed" because they can't sing.
I know that you're using the words "I failed" to take the sting out of them, to show people they can admit "failure" and survive. But I still maintain you didn't fail!
I reject your failure! LOL…
Amber said
Exactly. When I read her words about "failing," it reminded me of a chapter in Dan Savage's "The Commitment." He writes about how we only measure the success of a marriage on whether or not someone got out alive, ignoring the fact that that one unhappy marriage might be replace by two amazingly happy ones. Kate, you didn't fail.
Lori Del Genis said
Absolutely agree with the above 2 comments. Kate, you did not 'Fail', nor does divorce necessarily mean failure. I see people like puzzle pieces; some fit with each other better than others. But unlike puzzle pieces, people are not static. They grow and change. And they don't always grow together or even in the same direction. Relationships evolve and the failure is when people don't do what they need to to allow everyone involved to be happy. Any child of a divorce will tell you that staying together 'for the kids' can be even more damaging to them in the long run. I say that staying together for any reason other than 'it makes us happy' can be damaging to everyone involved.
Kate, thank you for this post. Not merely because it was very brave of you to come forward, but because by doing so you're making it more okay for other people to talk about what they've been through. Your post has the potential to heal many, many people.
Go you, Kate.
Raven said
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm thankful to read an article speaking openly about divorce. I haven't been married before, so I don't know what it is like to be divorced. However, I do know what it is like to have parents who are divorced. My future husband's parents are also divorced. I struggle with feeling like wedding planning is supposed to be a purely happy process, or at least if I am upset it should be related to planning the wedding. Yet being a child of divorce brings up a lot of internal struggles for me, and the sad feelings I have had more often have to deal with my childhood and the worries that I have about those experiences being repeated in my (future) marriage, despite having a wonderful relationship currently. These feelings are intensified because I feel like I can't speak to them with anyone. That I am some sort of freak for even thinking so much about it. (I'm sure it doesn't help that when my parents divorced, despite the large statistics of how common it was, I was the only one out of my close friends to not have married parents.) I wish more people spoke openly about divorce, and so I really appreciate seeing that the word divorce does have a place on a wedding blog.
Summer said
Thank you thank you thank you. It really is wonderful to hear the other side of life. All I can say is thank you.
Anonymous said
Thank you so much for this. My husband dropped the divorce bomb on me last weekend, exactly two months before our anniversary. I am having to take everything day by day by day by day… Some days I have been strong and kickass and fuck-him, other days I have cried, today I wanted to puke all day because I think he's been cheating on me and I have no way to find out… Who knows how tomorrow will be? I know that he is not good for me and every day I see how his energy contaminates mine on contact and poisons it.
I am trying very hard to inject some sparkles and cupcakes into my attitude, so here goes: we never had a wedding (of course, he uses that to rationalize it) and I never got to wear my grandmother's wedding band.… I am trying to get him out of my life and out of my head so I can focus on the important stuff and maybe meet my future Offbeat Husband in the process! <– selfish? maybe. But I need every bit of "on the bright side" that I can get. And right now is a "do me" time and I have every right to it.
Anne Woods said
Hang in there. Every day your husband spent with you not wanting to be married to you was a waste of your limited time on the planet. If you can be thankful for anything, be grateful he told you he wanted out now and not 5 miserable years from now, during which time you could have turned yourself inside out trying to fix things. I have a friend whose husband almost left after 4 years (he actually moved out briefly). But then he came back. Six unhappy years later he left her for another woman. She feels like 10 years of her life were wasted and she wishes he had just had the courage to really leave her at the 4 year mark.
bbrry said
I just want to say thank you for sharing your feelings, and the reason I say this is because 1 year ago I took a pregnancy test on what turned out to be the same night my partner was unfaithful to me, which I found out 5 days after having an abortion. The unbearable pain which ensued over that year was undoubtedly the worst experience of my life, one from which I thought I could never emerge. What does this have to do with your post? The grief and loneliness you experienced during your divorce was the same grief and loneliness I experienced — and what countless other people in terrible, heart-wrenching situations are experiencing. The most valuable thing we can do for each other is reach out, and let each other know that we are not alone in our grief. If by just reading someone's story of pain, one person can realize that grief is truly a process, and can stop feeling alone even for one second.
Sharing your story is so brave, but I want you to realize how kind it is as well. Thank you.
Lauren said
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know it's not easy, but you are very brave. And, you did not "fail". People change. Life happens. I'm sure you did the best you could. Just yesterday I began looking for pre-marital counselling books in order to help my partner and I communicate better. Our wedding is coming up this summer, and although I feel very happy about it, I come from a divorced family (my mother just finalized her 3rd divorce) and I have to face the reality that problems do come up. Thank you for your book suggestions. NVC is a really useful tool. Good luck to all the future brides.
Jo said
If you find any good pre-marital books, let me know! I'm another engaged woman from a divorced family who has been petrified of the institution of marriage (thus my first marriage coming at age 36!). I agree — I'm happy and excited about my wedding, but I am also scared! I have to remind myself that sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith…but I wouldn't mind a parachute
freckles said
Thank you for posting this. I was married for the second time 6 months ago. I first got married when i was only 22 (way too young for me) and it lasted all of 2 years, but started to fall apart almost immediately. We seperated over 5 years ago and to this day i still feel embarassed and ashamed and racked with guilt. I didn't even tell my parents until at least a month after we seperated as i felt so guilty that they'd paid for our wedding & now i was walking away from it (they were 100% supportive) The most difficult part for me was our mutual friends virtually desserted me when i needed them more than ever, they thought i was fine & didn't need support as i was the one who ended it so they thought i must now be happy. They didn't understand how much i was hurting. To this day i don't always admit that i've been previously married. The big reason our marriage fell apart was lack of communication, that is my advice to anyone getting married, make sure you can communicate with your partner about anything & everything or it just won't work.
Liz said
I could have written this whole comment. I got married at 23, we made it work for about 2 years, and it just fell apart. I was the one who walked away, and I was the one who made my new relationship public first (he was right on my heels, though), so our mutual friends pretty much abandoned me. Being the one to leave meant I was clearly the bad guy, because it's all very black and white, right? I also felt horribly guilty because my parents paid for the wedding, and they were very supportive (having just gone through their own divorce). I think I might have ended things sooner without that serious wedding cost guilt, which is a terrible reason to stay married to someone.
It's nice in a weird way to see that I'm not the only one who felt that way. Hell, I *also* omit the fact that I'm going through a divorce when I meet people now. Your comment is reassuring, and I appreciate you sharing your experience because it makes me feel a little less weird and embarrassed.