On vow renewals and getting weddinged
Ceremony Advice
Guestpost by
on August 11, 2010
49
Offbeat bride Sophie (aka. OBT member Squirrel) has written an great post about the struggles and culture behind elopements, vow renewals and getting weddinged.
Sophie and Derik on the day of their Canadian Thanksgiving elopement
Life being what it is, not everyone has a year and a half to plan the wedding of their dreams. Military deployment, immigration, health insurance, pregnancy, student loans, or just being flat broke, are only a few reasons why some couples have speedy courthouse nuptials. The legitimate question is: are they still entitled to the wedding they always wanted? Is a big wedding a right or a privilege? There is unfortunately no black or white answer to this.
Most elopements or other small civil ceremonies featured here somehow mention the idea of getting weddinged or having a renewal at a later date. And overall, comments have been very positive. It is often not the case, however, among the couple's family and friends, and on more conservative websites such as the wedding section of Yahoo Answers. Your wedding, they argue, is the day you sign the papers. Having a big and/or religious wedding with all the trimmings at a later date is, among the few insults I've read: "playing pretend" by "parading in a dress," a gift-grab, and is just done to get the attention. Some say it is okay as long as they do not call it a wedding.
No one would think of screaming "gift-grab!" or "just playing pretend!" Why? …because it was in the groom's culture to do it that way.
Those reactions are extremely North American-centric. In most European countries, all couples who wish to get married first have to do so in a civil ceremony. Then, they are free to have a religious wedding if they want. The city hall wedding is often very simple, with only immediate family and witnesses present, and the bride wears a nice but casual short dress, saving the long white dress, veil and big reception for their religious wedding. The most famous example known to us here in America is certainly Eva Longoria's wedding to French basketball player Tony Parker. She was wearing a short pink Chanel dress to her civil ceremony officiated by the Mayor of Paris, but wore a white and satin silk designer dress with a fifteen foot train for the religious ceremony in a Catholic church the next day. Yet, no one would think of screaming "gift-grab!" or "just playing pretend!" Why? No, it's not just because she's a celebrity. But because it was in the groom's culture to do it that way. In France and almost all of Europe, a bigger wedding after a civil one is not only accepted, but expected.
Where do I, the hoodie-wearing eloping bride, stand on this issue? I have to say that I contemplated the idea of getting weddinged. I never dreamt of a wedding straight out of The Knot, and never cared for favors or chair covers. but I had some music and readings in mind since college, which I could not use at the courthouse. This, and not inviting parents and grandparents, are my only regrets.
So I decided to be content with having followed my childhood dream, even if the internet, movies and friends' weddings often give me a big case of the should-haves.
But then I think of my 13-year-old self watching Braveheart, the part where he secretly marries his beloved in the forest, and thinking: "If I get married one day, it will be that way. Just my beloved and I." So I decided to be content with having followed my childhood dream, even if the internet, movies and friends' weddings often give me a big case of the should-haves. I have to remind myself that this feeling only comes from the pressures of the outside world and the industry.
But it lasts only a moment, and I remember the beautiful October day when I said "I do" to the man of my life. It doesn't matter that my outfit came from a department store, my bouquet was made of silk daisies from my craft box, and the music in the background was of the elevator kind. That day, and no other, was my wedding day. The only option I am considering would be a blessing of our union by the priest during the baptism of our first child (I even found a gay-friendly Catholic church, which is very important in my values as I have many gay friends and I support marriage for everyone).
I acknowledge that not everyone feels the same way as I do. I know there are couples who will not feel married until they have said their vows in front of all their loved ones and had the reception they always dreamed of. Or others who do so because it is their culture, like a Romanian friend I met on another forum, who eloped to Cuba as her legal ceremony and is now planning a big Orthodox wedding and reception. So it all comes to the same conclusion as every OBB article: just do what is right for YOU, and don't listen to the naysayers.
About Sophie
Sophie and her husband Derik got married by the Justice Of Peace in Montreal, QC on their Canadian Thanksgiving day elopement.
FlamingoHug said
We're planning a religious ceremony next year in Mexico. But legally, that wedding won't count, so we're going to be legally married in the US by the same officiant. Both sets of parents know about the plan.
But now, my fiance's parents want to come to the legal paper signing. If they come, my family will want to come, and I know it will spiral out of control…To me, the only one that really matters is the wedding, and I'm just doing the legal one because it makes financial sense. We don't want a big event for the legal one. I have no idea what to do!
cynzilee said
My husband and I got married at a local park and it was only a few people there. we met with my minister to have at my favorite park and not at a church or court house because I love nature. Because we did it at the park only a few came so my husband felt bad because I did invite like 30 only three showed up. His side of family could not make the trip to see us marry so for our second wedding anniversary his family is throwing us a wedding and no one ( thankfully) has given us any grief for calling it second wedding or wedding renewal. I guess everyone knew our situation and felt bad about so many things went wrong with our park wedding. So sometimes its the people who give others negative comments because they either jealous or just mean people. I would just ignore them and not invite those negative people because who really needs them??? life is tooooo short to worry about people like them. Enjoy life and if you want to have a second wedding and call it whatever you want wedding or renewal or celebration… its your choice and your life not theirs. Besides who says its require to bring gifts to a wedding ??? Im not asking for gifts or expect them either, but if I do get gifts I will make sure I thank them for it.
Kim said
I totally agree that civil and religious marriage are two different things and that people should do what they want, but I have a caveat that people might want to take time to talk to their families about what's going on rather than springing it on them. My husband's brother was engaged and had a wedding planned for the spring, but because of immigration troubles he married his gf in a civil ceremony, without telling anyone, right before showing up at his mom's for Christmas (she lives in a beach town and puts guests up in a property she manages). Problem was, unbeknownst to them, the rest of the family was showing up too! So the couple was expecting a super-romantic honeymoon getaway, but the fam had arranged togetherness plans for every day. Friction. Plus the mom was pretty p.o.ed at having this dropped in her lap. If they had mentioned it beforehand, instead of saying "guess what we did," I think she would have been much less upset. It was very uncomfortable for all. Not a great start to the marriage. And they were divorced 3 months later. Just saying.
Emma Eiraina said
We are legally marrying in November, on the anniversary of our first date, in order to have the tax returns pay for the big wedding later. We just bought a home, and the savings account is empty… To have the ceremony and reception we both want, we need cash! So, a good friend is Internet-ordained to legally marry us… We will stay at a nice hotel and celebrate with them. Haven't decided whether or not to even tell my parents yet. Not sure how they will react…but, it's nontraditional, just like our relationship and the proposal!
Naomi said
I have to admit while I love Offbeat Bride, as an introvert I am struggling with the idea of his family being at the registry office.
I want a low key affair where nobody judges us, being married is a big deal to me but the making a big deal out of signing a piece of paper really puts me off (as while it is nice to have legal recognition, in my mind we are married whether we get around to signing papers or not).
So for those who feel it is dishonest to not let family know about courthouse marriages, well, I don't quite understand where all the hurt comes from, especially if it is going to be as deliberately low key as ours (in my mind, there's nothing worth gawking at, and if the families come they'll just be disappointed at how anti-climactic it is).
We already had an engagement party for people to celebrate with us, which was enough of a nightmare for me (being in the spotlight). I don't know why but I feel like my marriage is so private and needs to be protected from scrutiny, yet after hearing that we wouldn't be having a proper wedding, countless friends and family are begging to be present at the courthouse and be witnesses etc. I hate the idea that they will be disappointed by just how much of a non-event it turns out to be, but I hate the idea of putting on a show even more.
I just want to sign the damn papers and be married, but apparently since we're cheating everyone out of a real wedding they're going to try and turn our courthouse paper signing into a bigger deal than it is.
I guess I just have to put up with it for the sake of making people happy, and then find a safe place to complain about it later. But if it was up to me, it would be secret so that we could sign the papers in peace.
While I love Offbeat Bride (and admire those brides who can ignore judgement and stand up for the wedding they want), I hate the fact that some people in the world (like those in my family and friends) can't conceive of just skipping the wedding part altogether and just being married, and take personal offence if a couple decides to do that.
Gayle said
This post was a real eye-opener. I had no idea that these sort of things go on. How intrusive and rude to give opinions on how someone should celebrate their love?
If they don't like it, then perhaps they aren't the supportive, loving people that you would want at your wedding anyway?
Perhaps that is me sprouting ignorance, but in Australia these things are done without anyone blinking an eye and we can also choose the venue we desire too (that UK one floored me!)
I can't believe that some people are so bigoted in their own beliefs that they choose to try and make other loving couples miserable too.
Your wedding. Your choice (as long as it is morally right and with the best interests of all involved). It should be simple.
Shannon Mock said
I'm having a secret wedding. This is to let me destress with my controlling mother at the helm of my wedding in a year. We will marry and then decide if we will tell. I know my family very well and I know that 80% of my family wouldn't come to a vow renewal but would love to come to my "wedding." My mother would be upset at first but I think she'd get over it. She'd also probably pressure me NOT to have a renewal here.
Brittany said
I love this post. And I am sorry but honestly, it is the couples business on whatever they do. Me and my husband got married 5 years ago for our own reasons at the court house and have been happily married.
However, for our 5th anniversary coming up we decided to have a vow renewal for ourselves to celebrate our marriage. I have gotten so much negative feedback from family and as everyone else, on-line community that we decided for it to be just me and him.
This is my honest take on vow renewals:
They are for the husband and wife. It does not matter what they do and how they do it. It is for them, celebrating their marriage, which to me so many people do not take the time to do so. It is not in poor taste or take away the significance of weddings, because they are celebrating their marriage! The whole reason weddings happen!
We are going to have our 'first' dance we never got, our cake we did not get to shove in each others faces, a photographer to capture memories and all the other fixin's.
I wish people would be happy for others and be excited that they wish to celebrate something as beautiful as their marriage, no matter what.
Laila said
The animosity toward people that have secret ceremonies puzzles me. IMO Most people don't say anything for this very reason, they don't want to deal with the drama, not because they are interested in pulling off some fantastic ruse.
My fiancé and I are going to have a civil ceremony and then have the big wedding in 2012. We can't tell his parents because they would FLIP, they are old school and believe that you aren't married in the eyes of God until you have a religious ceremony(plus he's their oldest and only son).
I told a co-worker of mine and she really let me have it. It would be a lie yada yada… her cousin did that… it was wrong not to tell people she was already married… blahblahblah.
So I asked her this: Would you have gone to the wedding if you knew she was already married?
Her response: yes.
Would you have bought her a gift if you knew that she was already married?
Her response: Of course.
So in the end did it really matter?
Her response: No, but…
Me: Exactly. So what is the big d*mn deal. Are you mad because you feel excluded from the legal part of the ceremony? Or is this a temper tantrum because you weren't let in on her secret?
In the end it doesn't matter. If you are going to support your family and friends, do it. Celebrate with them, however and whenever they choose to celebrate.
Guambry Cranford-Santillán said
Oh I completely agree!
DH and I were just talking about this recently.
We got married a lil over a year ago after he returned from his tour in Iraq. It all happened so suddenly only my best friend, mom and sister attended the JOP ceremony…sooooo, we didn't get our big White Wedding.
We've both expressed that we want to have "some sort of ceremony" since no one else was able to share our special day with us.
My mom was the first one to say "whats the point now?"
Husband and I really want something, and being non-religious we obviously dont want something at a church. So what do we call it?
"wedding"? "vow renewal"?
We plan to do this after he returns from his next tour to Afghanistan.
We'll be married almost 3 years by then.
So I guess until then, we have almost 2 years to decide.
Sarah H. said
Thank you so much for writing this. My soon-to-be husband and I have decided to just elope next month for a few reasons (health insurance, finances, we've waited since we were 16, etc). I have been worried about how to respond to people that may give me a great deal of grief over eloping and then doing the big shindig next year (we're going to phrase it that we're "solidifying our vows in the presence of family and friends"). I bought a simple cocktail/party dress from Torrid, he's going to polish up his shoes and press a tie, and we're driving to the place on the Columbia River where he proposed and make it official. Thank you for showing me that we aren't alone in taking this route.
ginnigirl said
I appreciate this post because I am currently debating the same thing. I became engaged in Feb, and did a civil ceremony in June – strictly to have my fiance-husband on my health benefits. Had I not, I would continue to be heavily taxed on the value of the benefit,which took more than significant chunk of my paycheck. This would happen on the 1st of the month making things like rent etc almost impossible. I felt that I had to do this out of necessity, so that we could get things settled (he relocated to my area) and start saving so we could have a wedding we both wanted. There is a teeny part of me that thinks it was kinda cool – we did it on the fly and it was something that was truly "ours". But there is another part that wishes that I had the means to have the ceremony/celebration/bride-y type things that I want. We were aiming for June of next year but it doesn't really seem feasible.
So, we will have to wait to have our party until we are able and have the means to do so – whenever that is. Even though we are official, we both feel that it won't be "official" until we do it the way we wanted to – a party with friends, family, invitations, flowers and the like.
Angie said
Sooooo happy to see supportive people on here!!! My FH and I are doing this. Getting married in June at the JOP for financial reasons. We both have children from previous relationships, but tax laws changed… And we just bought a house so we are broke!!! We are having a big shindig next June on the same date for our family and friends. My family is soooo supportive and understands entirely, even my grandparents, who are helping me with the hall! It all depends on your own situation. And we aren't registering or asking for anything except our loved ones to be there for us.